Welcome back my luuuurves! I know I missed last week’s episode so I’m going to sum it up for you all really quick, ready? Tammy Sue’s getting married! She got the ring betches!! That is all. Moving on to this week’s episode which was diamonds in champagne fabulous….
Disclaimer: I didn’t take notes you guys, I’m winging it this morning. I know, I know. So please, if I miss anything important, let me know in the comments section and I’ll add it in and give you all the credit. Or I’ll take all the credit for myself.
Tamra is meeting with Heather and Gretchen to show off the new clam bling and chatter about the proposal. She had already called Heather from Bora Bora, so the surprise was only for Gretchen. Gretchen arrived with two sparrows hanging from her ears, excited to hear the excitement of the exciting excitement. Tamra, busted out a photo album and flipped through the pages, only getting through a few before Gretchen starts shouting, “Bora Bora! OMG Did you LAWVE IT?? I LAWWWVE IT!” and then Tamra gets to the clam picture (for those of you not caught up, the ring was in a clam, you heard me) and she yelled, “AND THAT’S WHEN HE PROPOSED!!!” And the fireworks went off and everyone is hugging and, but wait…where’s Vicki? I hear no WOOHOOs. Apparently, Vicki didn’t return Tamra’s calls because she was too busy admiring Brooks’ new grill so she couldn’t be there which, in reality TV world, makes her Enemy #1.
A limo pulls up to Vicki’s house and Brooks crawls out carrying a large garment bag. Whatever could it be? Vicki (who always wears a scrunch butt dress to the final party, or am I imagining that?) flitters down the stairs to the door where she is greeted with a hug because, did you know? Brooks is a hugger. Her knight in shining armor then gifts his fair maiden with the fur of the animal he slaughtered just a few hours ago. Sometimes I feel like Vicki has amnesia. She’s always says things like, “That’s the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me,” after Brooks says something mundane and cliché like, “Well you deserve happiness,” and “This is the nicest thing anyone has ever given me!” but I seem to remember a six carat diamond ring that Donn gave her at that lunch where the bird shat on the waitress and Vicki laughed at her. I’m not saying a diamond ring is better or worse than a fur coat, I’m just saying a diamond ring is better than a fur coat. Plus I thought that fur coat kind of made Vicki look like a bear. Or a Russian. Not that there’s anything wrong with bears or Russians.
Next we have Bubbies meeting Krazy Sarah for drinks (because Sarah needs more drinks). Bubbies tells Sarah of the tragedies that occurred in Costa Rica, and drops the overused phrases, “She didn’t have my back,” and “Bullied,” and Sarah was like “Hiccup! What?” and Bubbies was like, “I know who I am, that’s why I called everyone I know and asked them if they thought I was fake and pretentious and all of them pretended they didn’t know what I was talking about so do you want to come to the final party with me?” and Sarah was like, “I mmmmean, I’ll gooooo if you goooo, I meeeannnn if you go I’ll gooooo,” and it was settled. Was that like watching two mosquitoes trying to get out of a closed window, or was that just me?
Can we talk about the Debrow Manor for just a bloody second? Holy Chanel you guys. That place is insane. Heather had about 100 people on staff. She had cascading roses in the entryway, glass bars and white tables and cray fire blower thingys and a view that trumps the Montage on a good day. And then came my dream: Heather proclaimed that each of the women will get a glass of champagne with a diamond in it and one of them is real. ONE OF THEM IS REAL YOU GUYS. Heather, allow me to send you my address as I would be honored to come to your next event. Diamonds and champagne are my favorite.
While the village of staff members prepared the house, Heather and Terry got ready for the party. Terry, bless his heart, is worried that Bubbies and/or Jim-God may approach him at the party. But Heather discounts this worry as she does not believe Bubbies would be so rude. Heather strolls down to check out the progress downstairs. She’s disappointed in the cake she had put so much effort into designing out loud to Cinderella or whatever that chick’s name was. The cake was supposed to be black and sparkly on the bottom, it was not. It was supposed to be grande! It was not. It was pretty, most definitely, and looked like a cake so that was good, and Cinderella did have the decency to include the promised edible diamonds so that was good too. There stood the cake as she looked on in disappointment, a picture of what was to come.
Tamra and Eddie arrived first, then Bubbies and Sarah. Sarah looked like if Jessica Rabbit spent her entire divorce settlement on becoming a non-toon and had to walk the streets of Vegas to make ends meet. Bubbies looked great though, I like that hair-do on her. Vicki entered the vast entryway hugging tightly her new boyfriend-bought fur and exclaimed to the young man who opened the door, "Hi! I'm Vicki!! Brooks bought me this fur coat just now!" and the poor lad, taken aback mumbled in a confused tone, "I'm...just the caterer."
Everyone was wearing fur which was kind of funny, I wonder if that was a requirement on the invite.
“Dead Animal Attire Required”
Everyone seems to be having a nice time, who wouldn’t! The place is incredible, everyone looked furry fancy, there were name-changing gifts (ok how did I not get the memo that you can throw yourself a party for that?!?!) and champs with diamonds and it was like Orange County heaven. Also, Vicki walked around and told every guest at the party that Brooks got his teeth done and bought her a fur.
Then, and without warning, who arrives but Jeana Keough and her obnoxious daughter Kara (who looked great btw). Tamra summons Gretchen, her new bestie. She’s clearly distraught over the arrival of the Keough women. But even that bullet seems to be dodged, as they are able to avoid each other. Jeana and Kara greet their hosts Heather and Terry, and in their peripheral vision they catch Vicki and Brooks. Kara cries, “Viiiiiiiiiiick!” and throws her arms around our favorite Russian bear. Then Vicki does this wavy thing, waving Jeana over to her so they can embrace. She tells us that she has had zero contact with Jeana and misses her. I’m pretty sure she lives next door and the last time you saw her you let someone throw a drink in her face at your party so the ball’s in your court Vick.
Anywhoo, Vicki proudly introduces Jeana and Kara to Brooks who is a hugger you guys!! Brooks, if you have to tell everyone you meet you’re a hugger, you should by now have realized that not everyone is into hugging when they first meet some dude and maybe you should go case by case. Also, the whole, “Is this your sister?” to the mother of a daughter half her age doesn’t fly anymore evidently, since Kara called him out by saying, “Oh thanks a lot. You compliment her and insult me at the same time.” Gawd, that girl is so obnoxious.
Speaking of Kara being obnoxious, let’s get this all out of the way right now. Kara strategically dons a parka as a jab at Tamra to make sure she knows she threw a drink on her mom last year. She says loudly, “Tamra’s here so I need to make sure I don’t get anything on my new dress! It’s like being at Shamu but she’s a very tiny and angry Shamu.” Ok, credit where credit is due, the tiny, angry Shamu line was funny. So Tamra, being the shrinking violet she is, goes up to Kara and says, “Looks like you have something to say to me,” and Kara’s like, “I do,” and then they go sit on the fountain and I wonder, why not keep the parka on while you sit next to the fountain? Seems like a good idea to me.
The conversation went like this:
Kara: Why you gotta be so mean to my mom?
Tamra: Why your mom gotta be so mean to me?
Kara: Our families used to be friends.
Tamra: Yeah but then your mom talked shit and only I can talk shit.
Jeana comes over and asks who is being hard on whom, in her fake-sweet “I’ve already forgiven you” voice that I luuurve. And with a blink of my made-up plastic eyes, the three of them were crying and hugging and apologizing and it was beautiful. And with that, another of Tamra Barney’s enemy caterpillars is turned into a TV-friend butterfly.
FINALLY on to the best part. Heather is chatting with a random friend telling her where the food is being served. Said random friend then says the following precious little nugget:
“I don’t know who anyone is and I don’t want to cause any drama, but that slutty gold-digger chick with bad breath in the red sparkly dress who is dating a sixty year old just broke a piece of the bow off your cake and ate it.”
Heather, Jim-God love her, totally freaks. You guys, let me set the record straight before I go on any further about this. If one of my friends got wastey-faced at my fabulous partay and drunkenly broke a piece off my $500 cake that was the center piece of my décor and ate it, I would think it was hilaaaarious. But if some drunk chick who I already didn’t like and didn’t even invite drunkenly broke a piece off my $500 cake that was the center piece of my décor and ate it, I would freak the fuck out.
Needless to say, when Heather ran over to her crew shouting, “Terri! Tamra! Vicki!” I was right there with her. I wish I could say that I would have confronted Sarah solo but it’s just not the truth. I would have told EVERYBODY. I’m just being honest. #1 BEST moment in Real Housewives history is the moment Heather tattled in the brattiest, most awesome tone accompanied by the BEST bitch facial expression I have EVER seen.
“OHMAHGAH. SHA AAHT MA BAW.” (Translation: Oh my God. She ate my bow.)
When Heather told her people what Sarah had done, the greatest thing happened. Terri began shouting, “No fucking way! No fucking way!” and Heather, as angry as she was, would not tolerate the potty mouth. She interrupted her tantrum and mumbled, “Stop cursing.” It was an awesome moment.
The group approaches Sarah and confronts her about the atrocity:
“Did you break off a piece of the bow and eat it?” Tamra demanded.
“Yeah, I did,” said Sarah with not an ounce of humility and with all the love in her heart. And thus ensued what my dearest friend Skipper has deemed, Drunk Girl Reasoning:
1. Because I wanted to
2. Get over it
3. I only ate a part, a taste
4. Honestly, I have a sugar problem
5. Honestly, it's a bow
6. Honestly I'll replace the bow
7. Here's my fucking credit card, go get yourself a new cake
It’s 1/3 defensive, 1/3 accusatory, 1/3 solution-based. Thank you for the help with the fractions Skipper. Notice there has never been a Math BarbieTM.
And so I will leave you hanging right here, until next week when Part Two of the Finale airs. We see if Heather tears Sarah apart or just kicks her the hell out of her house for “aating ha baw.” We’ll find out who doesn’t know that Brooks bought Vicki the bear she’s wearing (spoiler alert: everyone knows), and if we can make it through the rest of the party without all hell breaking loose (spoiler alert: we can’t).
Thank you as always for reading my friends. Until next week…
XO,
Barbs
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