Tuesday, December 11, 2012
We could sit here all day talking about how I missed you, and how you of course missed me, but let’s just cut to the chase, as they say…
I trust you are all up to date on our Beverly Hills ladies. Kim is back after she and her Christmas bow blouse got sober, and she seems to be doing well. She’s not afraid to do things anymore like go on a girls’ trip to Ojai, openly rub her lady bits in a mud bath room on camera, make chicken salad, etc.
We’ve welcomed Yolanda to the group, whose name I like to pronounce with what I call, “Fancy Accent.” You have to say, “Yo-laaaaaah-ndha,” because she is cray fancy you guys. Her hair does a bump-it without even needing a bump-it. She color-coordinates her produce that she grows in one of her seven backyards. She looks like she’s always riding a horse, but in a good way. She is: The Most Interesting Woman on the show right now.
We also have new besties, Lisa and Brandi, who are fun to look at and listen to, if you like the color pink and the F-word. Clearly I’m a huge fan. Camille is making “guest appearances” but mainly only to give subtle “fuck-yous” to Kelsey Grammar along the way, mainly by saying his penis is tiny over and over again and showing off her new younger Greek boytoy, Dimitri? Atreyu? Odysseus? Who cares, he makes a mean spanakopita, I hear.
Of course Kyle and Taylor are still around, air kissing and ass kissing.
And then there’s Adrienne Maloof, the victim of the infamous Maloof-Hoof joke. The world’s most uptight and hungry rich person, and the center of all the drama this season, as it seems…
We open this episode with Kyle’s house getting egged (you’re welcome). Mauricio takes his harem outside to see what the fuss is about and reveals to their newly sixteen-year-old daughter her brand-spankin’ new Mercedes!! I’m sure giving your rich teenager who lives in Beverly Hills, whose cousin is Paris Hilton who is famous for a sex tape and being an idiot, a brand new $60,000 vehicle will turn out well in the end.
Lisa throws a little Tasting Lunch for all the ladies except Adrienne who she hates, and Yolanda who is doing something wayyyyy more fancy. A couple of the husbands are there, the usual stowaways, Mauricio and Ken. Everything is la-dee-da, as Lisa asks Kim about her recovery and small-talk is made over treats being served. Oh, and somewhere in there Lisa scolds a blonde waitress named “Stassi,” for having gotten drunk on the job the evening before and for having told the host of the party she was working that his party “sucked” and that was why “everyone was leaving.” But did Lisa fire this little wretch? Nope, because she’ll be starring in Lisa’s new spin-off, “Days of Our SUR,” or “The Bold and the SUR,” or “The Young and the SUR,” I can’t remember the name of it which is funny because they promoted the shit out of it last night, and I thought it was burned into my plastic little brain for all eternity. I’m dramatic.
Amidst all the pleasantries, Kyle asks if Lisa invited Adrienne. Lisa says no, and Brandi facetiously says that maybe Adrienne’s too busy working on her new book deal. Everyone’s like, “Whaaaaa?” and then Brandi says, “Just kidding, she has no book deal, she lied about that.” And then Kyle (notice a trend here?) says, “So Brandi, what actually happened between you and Adrienne that caused so much tension?” and Brandi starts going into how Paul and Adrienne tried to get her to turn against Lisa, how they called and tried to intimidate her into retracting some tweets, and then to prove that Adrienne lies, she told them that she lied about __________________. And everyone gasped, and we were all like “WTF?” because Bravo fucking cut out the thing that Brandi said that will be the center of the drama for the rest of the season. Et tu, Bravo? You’re really going to mess with us like that, aren’t you. Ok fine, we’ll play that game. Luckily I’m 99% sure I know what the secret was, and I’m about to tell all of you.
Basically, Adrienne used a surrogate to have her boys. She didn’t actually birth them herself. Why is this so controversial?? You got me, but clearly it was supposed to be a secret. Apparently, there’s a chance her eggs weren’t used meaning the boys are only biologically Paul’s. This would actually make a little more sense as to why Adrienne would try to allege that Paul physically abused the boys in order to get custody. I wondered why she went into that custody battle with all shiny-hair strings a’blazin’, and that could be why. At any rate, Brandi was irritated when, at the dinner table in Ojai, the ladies went around the table saying how they gave birth and Adrienne claimed c-sections. To make her point that Adrienne lies, Brandi said something to the effect of, “And she didn’t even have her own kids!” Now none of you go out and tell Adrienne that I spread this rumor any further because she will sue me, Mattel, Ken, Toys-R-Us, and pretty much everything and everyone else I am affiliated with. Then I’ll have to be Lawyer BarbieTM, and let’s be honest, no one likes her.
So everyone’s like, “Buuuuuuurn,” but no one says anything to defend Adrienne. Kim makes a tiny squeak noise that if you were to rewind the DVR and turn up the volume as high as it will go would sound like, “I feel like we shouldn’t be talking about Adrienne.” But other than that, no one says a word about it, and the next thing we viewers know, everyone’s up and left, and we’ve just been SURed.
Lisa’s husband and Giggy’s man-slave, Ken, has to go in for a hip replacement, bless his little British heart. Lisa is super nervous, but Ken has pretty much the same disposition he has when he can’t find their yard turtle. He’s slightly on edge, but confident in a happy ending (which he kind of gets after it’s all said and done, doesn’t he). The kids show up and everyone kisses Ken goodbye like he’s being wheeled to the electric chair.
*I like to talk a big game and joke about this, but if my Ken were going into surgery for so much as an ingrown toe nail I would literally have to be sedated. So they did well.
Meanwhile, back at the farm…
Kyle’s husband Mauricio has opened his own real estate agency called simply, “The Agency.” Sounds like someone else is gearing up for their own spin-off…
So Mmmmmm-auricio is throwing a little client party on the roof of the Ritz Carlton residences which he is also conveniently trying to sell. He intros by telling us how many homes he’s sold to date, how much each of those homes were worth, how much he made in 2010, how much that watch on his wrist cost, and how he was named “seventh” in Realtor Forbes Digest, whatever that means.
All the ladies are invited. Camille brings her boyfriend d’Artagnan, Brandi brings a man who we do not know, Kim shows up on time (woot!) and Taylor’s there because she figures free food and booze for the afternoon so why not? Lisa is with Ken and his new hip, and Yolanda is doing something wayyyyyy more fancy.
Adrienne and Paul are faking their marriage for the cameras -I MEAN- walking in together. But, like a determined honey badger, Kim scurries over and pulls them aside. She whips her ponytail in a dramatic fashion - first to the left, then to the right- to check for spies. She then begins to fill them in on a dark, torrid tale of a Tasting Lunch gone awry, the only innocent left being a half a glass of rosé.
Kim tells Adrienne and Paul how Brandi said she was a liar, and that got them pretty huffy. Adrienne puffed out her 1980 Vegas-esque peacock feathers and began squawking, “She’s the liar! She’s the liar!” Kim interrupted the squawking by delivering the dreadful news that Brandi told that terrible no-good, very bad something that none of us are allowed to know because Adrienne will sue the pants off of Andy Cohen if Bravo so much as whispers it on our television sets. That’s right Maloof/Nassifs. We know. Oh wait, no we don’t. But those five or six people who were at the Tasting Lunch table know. Oh wait, no they don’t. They only heard it from Brandi, so really, if you wanted to squash this thing you could have just denied it. Unless it’s true. But it can’t be true because the next words out of Adrienne’s mouth were, “Let’s slap a big fat lawsuit on her for slander and libel and defamation!” Can you sue for defamation and libel and slander about something that is true? Newsflash: You can sue for anything if you have a good lawyer.
Side note: Remember last season when Camille outed Taylor’s domestic abuse allegations and Russell threatened to sue Camille and Adrienne said, “That’s not right, you don’t sue friends. You don’t just sue people.” Yeah, so do I.
So Paul and Adrienne have decided they are so pissed off at Brandi that they’re going to just leave and not cause a scene. Just kidding! They go in to the party and cause a huge scene. As the Maloof-Hoofs are making their grand exit, within earshot of Ms. Glanville Paul tells Kyle they have to leave because of something, “That bitch,” said. Brandi hears him and, after seeing Kim having a very serious conversation with the two of them, can pretty much establish he’s talking about her. So then Brandi says, “Who, me?” and Paul goes, “Yeah, you, you bitch!! You bitch!”
Paul is clearly irate and pretty much out of control at this point. He stutters, “You…you….you don’t even know what I want to do to you.” Brandi, being the delicate wall flower she is, motions him to “bring it.”
Paul is in her face at this point, spitting and sputtering, and no one’s really doing anything, even though he’s a grown man shouting “BITCH!” in a woman’s face. Adrienne’s in there too with her finger pointing and her repetitious threats. It’s quite the scene. Meanwhile, Mmmmmauricio’s just trying to move up to “sixth” on Realtor’s Forbes Digest’s list of the most successful realtors in the US, not counting Alaska or Hawaii or Oregon. How is he supposed to do that with this spectacle? Kyle’s standing behind everyone, biting her nails in a panic and complaining to us in her interview about how embarrassing it all was. Did anyone else want to jump through the TV, grab her shoulders and shake her while yelling, “THEN DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT!!!!” I mean, helllllllo?? Kyle?? Are you in there behind those beautiful tresses? I would have gotten right in between them, put MY finger/s in all of their faces, whisper-shouted, “WRONG TIME, WRONG PLACE!” and shooed them all the hell outta there. I mean come on people, at the Ritz? What are we, animals?? Instead, Kyle yells at Kim. But that’s next week’s episode.
I missed you all. There, I said it.