Tuesday, December 20, 2011
This episode was a doozy. I thought I was going to need a valium about halfway through. I haven’t felt like that since Part Two of Game Night. There’s lots to cover so let’s get started…
We open with Adrienne and Paul in the study. Paul doesn’t know how to send a fax because no one has done it since 1999. Adrienne brings the news to Paul that she just got off the phone with a very distraught Camille who told her that Russell sent her a threatening email saying he intended to sue her if she opened her mouth about the Armstrong’s relationship again. Boy, Taylor has really put these ladies in a pickle this time. Adrienne tells Paul she’s worried that he’s going to threaten to sue all of them now since Taylor told them all about her physical abuse allegations. This is scary for any Maloof you see, because they have more money than Trump. Paul is upset at this and wonders: How are they all going to be at the White Party together? How are they all going to be in Hawaii together?? Adrienne must stop it and stop it she does.
Wedding wedding wedding bleck. Lisa wants a band, not a bloody orchestra. But yet here sit not a band or an orchestra, but a group really. A group that plays Spanish music…? Not really the sort of thing I would think Lisa would be into but ok. Oh actually she likes it a lot. She starts dancing with the grasshopper named Franc, and Pandy and Serial Killer Jason start swaying together as well. They’re all terrible dancers. They’re into it though. Me, not so much. Whatever, I don’t care. This is a good time to tell you all though that my friend and I think Lisa has had butt implants.
It’s White Party time so of course Kyle’s running around having minor freak outs over Fatburgers and chandeliers and lilacs and whatnot and whathaveyou. As her hairdresser uses a medieval metal curling iron on her lustrous locks (WTF? Ever heard of ceramic??), Kyle vented about her sister bringing the not-up-to-par boyfriend to her shindig. She thought that was the worst of her White Party problems, then suddenly without warning Adrienne called her to tell her the even worse news. Adrienne tells of the Russell lawsuit threat scandal and tells Kyle that her and Paul are not comfortable attending either, but will out of the kindness of their hearts, but just not if Russell and Taylor are there. PAUSE. Why is everyone freaking out that if they all attend the White Party together Russell will sue the pants off of them??? I mean, I get that they’re pissed, but if you can’t get a hold of someone before the party, should you just tell them not to talk to Camille and leave it at that? Ok I’m jumping ahead here. Let me reel it back in. Kyle decided she must inform Taylor that she can’t white out tonight. There will be no white for Taylor. Only black. Eyes. Ohhhh that was SO WRONG. Forget that joke. Unless you thought it was funny.
Cut to Kim and her daughters. Hey, it’s Kim’s cray world, we’re just living in it. So they’re having some brunch or something and discussing, what else, the White Party. Kim’s nervous to bring Spike cause he’s just such a loveable dino lug, and Kim’s daughters are wondering just why in the holiest of hells would a grown woman be wearing a promise ring that looks like an engagement ring on her ring finger. Kim, you’re not in the Mickey Mouse Club anymore alright? You can have sex. Kim’s like, “Poof woof moof, who cares. What? I like shiny when it shines and that’s my shinier hand so yeah, now pass me a croissant.” Kim’s daughter, either the one also named Kim or the other one, tells the others that last night she took two doses of NyQuil and fell asleep in the shower that morning. Kim of course totally understood this and showed no worry whatsoever. She actually held a hint of pride and a gleam in her wonk eye. Careful Kim II or other one, whichever one you were. It’s a slippery slope I tell you, just ask your mom.
Oh heyyyyyyy everyone, it’s White Party Time! Brandi and her swollen-faced friend show up. Brandi, could your body kick any more ass? Camille and D.D. arrive and Camille looks smashing. I mean, holy alimony batman. Divorce looks simply divine on this woman. Lisa arrives, Adrienne, and finally Kim walks up with Ken. Kim is seriously coked out you guys. She thought they called it a White Party for different reasons. Kim, they called it that in the eighties for that reason, now it’s because everyone wears white, get it? No? Ok. So Kim is cray cray, and she’s going on about how she may have worn too many necklaces (YESSSSSSSSSS!!! YES YOU DID!!!!!!!! IT LOOKS LIKE THEY’RE TRYING TO EAT YOU!!!!!) and then she finally introduces Spike. Kyle and Adrienne exchange awkward dinosaur hugs with Spike. Kim proves to Lisa that she’s been sick by hacking up her lung right in Lisa’s face. Charming.
Alright so Kyle takes Lisa aside and tells her of the Taylor drama that is about to ensue. Lisa’s like, “Orrr norrrr” and readily comes to Taylor’s defense. They had just seen naked men gyrating on couches together so she was feeling rather close to Taylor at this time. But yet, her feelings of fright won over her feelings of sympathy because Lisa didn’t want to be sued either! Because Russell might sue them all just for being in his presence! This is where I’m starting to feel bad for Kyle because she’s freaking out.
For the record: One thing the ladies all agree on is that Camille repeated only what Taylor had told them.
Did I mention Kim looks wasted? Kim is horsing around with Spike and Dana, oh yeah, Dana’s there. She mentioned in her blog that her dress was Chanel, in case any of you were wondering. Did Chanel also do your 1980s hairdo Dana? It was business in the front, White Party in the back. Ok so Kim in all her geetered glory starts telling Kyle she’s about to go off on Brandi if the beezy looks in her direction one more time. Which is strange because it doesn’t seem like Brandi is instigating anything, but you wouldn’t know that by listening to Kim. She’s ready to pounce like a Chihuahua on steroids. Kyle begs her not to do it at the party given all the other crap she’s dealing with but the coke drowns out Kim’s ability to hear stuff she doesn’t want to and she marches right over to the staircase. It went like this:
Kim- “You’re a disgusting slut pig and I hate you and you can take all your sorries and stuff ‘em in a sack you white trash piece of shit.”
Kim- “No you bitch, you will hear what I have to say. You’re an awful person and a bitch and you can’t call my sister a bitch because calling people a bitch is wrong you bitch.”
Kim- “We were just minding our own business and Kyle whispered ‘It’s your turn now, me lady,’ and then you called her a bitch! And we did nothing! You hear me?? NOTHING!!!”
Brandi- “I apologized and I accepted Kyle’s apology and I don’t make excuses for who I am and I say the F word a lot.”
Kim- “Oh go ahead and give yourself a hug for all the wonderful things you do you Slut Pig. Yeah, you’re an awesome person, NOT!” [insert six forceful finger wags]
Brandi- “Watch your finger, literally.” (Haha)
Then Kim says she will not watch her finger. Then Brandi says in a high pitched voice, “Are you kidding me?” and Kim mocks her, “Are you kidding me?” and we’re all wondering how in a party with 300 people this ended up happening and with two adults no less. So finally Kyle and Lisa walk over there and Kim’s like, “Oh, I am so done with her she doesn’t even exist!” and then Kim’s daughter looks at her mom like she’s cray, and Kim yells back to Brandi, “Oh and my daughter has something to say to you too!” Dear Gawd, Make me a bird, so I can fly far, far far from here.
Cut to Russell and his peacock bride getting into the limo to take them to the doomed party. Am I the only one who felt sorry for Russell here? I mean the guy’s all set to redeem himself for leaving Taylor’s ass at the party last year because he wanted to catch Law and Order: SVU, by staying the whole time this year. He says he’s going to be the last to leave!! Oh Bravo editors, you evil evil bastards. Oh, and they flew back from Vegas specifically to go to this party. And they brought Mauricio a bottle of vodka for his birthday. Ohhhh this is going to suck.
I was soooo nervous waiting for them to arrive. At the front door, a mob had developed. It was the “Turn the Armstrongs away at the door” mob. I do not understand why they needed a mob. Could it not have just been Kyle? Or if Kyle was too upset, maybe Lisa? Or Adrienne? But then it was too late. It was too late for all of them. Taylor and Russell’s limo pulled up and our hearts sank. They approached the door but were abruptly stopped by almost the entire cast of characters in this tragedy. Kyle tried to speak but only sobs came out. Adrienne tried to speak but she wasn’t making any sense. Mmmmmauricio was drunk and not sure what was going on. Lisa tried but no one could bloody understand her. It was eventually Paul who came to the rescue. He told Russell that because of his threatening email to Camille, none of them felt comfortable being around him and the best thing to do would be for them to leave. Taylor was clearly in shock. Who wouldn’t be? Russell remained eerily calm and claimed that his email was nice. Paul came back again (where did this assertive Paul come from? I like him!) and said he read the email and it was NOT nice. Whoa, called out. Russell asked, “What is the best thing for us to do then?” Uh, leave I think is what they’re saying here Bro. So then Taylor and Russell take off for the limo and Kyle, in an evening gown and sobbing, runs after them yelling “Wait! Wait!” She proceeds to climb into the limo and tell Russell that Taylor has told them all that stuff that Camille word-vomited at the Tea Party. Ummm….Whaaaaaaat? Isn’t that what we didn’t want Russell to know? How is it better to make this huge scene, kick these people out of a party they flew into town to be at, then proceed to call out the guy that you’re afraid may sue you for defamation, though up to this point you hadn’t said anything, on being a wife beater?? And in a confined space such as a limo no less? CRAY. Taylor asks that Kyle let them go, and let them go she does. She tears through the front door back into the white abyss, and the Armstrongs suffer a long and silent ride back to their dungeon.
Next week we see the conclusion of the White Party, as well as the ladies set off for Hawaii. It should be an interesting trip since Taylor calls to inform Lisa and Kyle her marriage is officially over… DUN DUN DUNNNNN.
Until next week my sweets. Have a very Merry Christmas, and I say that with no religious connotation so just enjoy it.
Thursday, December 15, 2011
In this case, what happens in Vegas is aired on national television approximately six months later and boy, are we lucky it does or what. This episode was Bravo’s attempt to give us a breather after last week’s atrocity. Mission accomplished Bravo. This week offered naked men gyrating, club-dancing, room bowling, and some good old fashioned boozing. Oh, and one breakdown courtesy of Kim. Let’s get started, shall we…
Taylor meets Lisa for lunch at Villa Blanca. They’re BFFs now. Taylor tries to sort of not really explain what happened at Brandi’s party but –oop!- can’t really explain what you can’t remember now can ya. May I just say that Taylor actually looks like a normal person without any make-up on? She looks like a real person! She needs to stick with one coat of top mascara and a little foundation because the joker lipstick is really not doing her face justice. Anywhoo, Taylor ate pizza to prove to her new bestie that she eats, and told the tale of the Malibu Party as best she could tell it through the haze of white-wine-black-out. She says D.D. was volatile. She doesn’t mention starting the whole thing with her shit-talking within earshot of her subject, pretend-climbing over the rail to jump in the ocean to end the misery, crawling up and over a table screaming at the top of her lungs “It’s not fair!” (I’m not even sure what that means in this context by the way) and then verbally assaulting the limo driver for a cigarette light. Lisa believes her since she’s trying this new “blind support” shoe on for size, and then invites her to Pandy’s bachelorette party because that’s a good idea.
The next “last episode discussion” took place at Camille’s humble abode. Brandi and D.D. joined Camille out on the veranda-terrace-lawn for a glass of sauvignon blanc and a period of reflection. They agreed that Taylor needed an exorcism; well actually, Brandi said Taylor was the exorcist but then Camille slyly corrected her. Brandi darling, Winston Churchill was white and the exorcist was the good guy.
Can I just say, I would be PISSED if I were Camille and knew Taylor was saying that I put Kennedy in jeopardy. I’m going to say it one more time: NO ONE PUT A GUN TO YOUR HEAD AND FORCED YOU ONTO TELEVISION! If you don’t want people to know about it, then don’t tell people about it. If you want help, take it when it is offered. If you want to have your cake and eat it too, then you get what you get. Is that terrible of me? Please remember that my heart is made of plastic and that I’m a bitch.
Ok happy times now. Paul Nassif and Adrienne MAloof (prounounced Mah-loooof) are scheduled to appear on some daytime TV show called “The Doctors”. They’re supposed to talk about how to stay fit when super busy. Hint: It helps to be a millionaire with a personal trainer and a private chef. Paul’s like a fourth child. He can’t pack his own bag, he can’t eat himself. The two love/hate birds bicker over who’s a better driver and whether or not Adrienne should make eggs for breakfast. Then they get there, Paul eats a plate of chocolate before publicly giving advice on how to be healthy, and they are interviewed by a panel of what I can only assume to be doctors on what I now refer to as “The Most Awkward Show on Television”.
SURPRISE! It’s the morally corrupt Faye Resnick aka “Kyle’s friend/Interior Designer”. As if they hadn’t beaten that into the ground yet, Faye is helping Kyle pick out chandeliers for the White Party at Chandeliers -R- Us. Oh how they shined and shimmered and hung and it was just marvelous. So this is how the upper-echelon spends their time. We had the Event Planner Slave trying to slide in his input ever-so-carefully as not to be noticed, Faye, the friend/designer spouting off “oohs” and “ahhs” and trying to apply mathematical equations to chandeliers to make herself sound smarter, and then Kyle the host literally shouting, “BUT IT’S MY PARTY!!!” Kyle couldn’t go to Vegas with Lisa because she had to decorate for her party. Oh, and also she’s shooting for her book cover for a book she hasn’t written yet that she won’t actually be the writer of, which makes her about the sixth housewife to do that. The scene ends with Faye dropping a $750 chandelier, the ladies both cackling at such a funny little silly, then walking out of the store. How could you not love them? They’re peaches.
Oyyyyyy picking out mi dress! Ok I’ll cover this for those of you who enjoy this kind of thing. Lisa and Pandy go to some powder puff of a store to try on wedding dresses and boy, is it the sweetest or what. Pandy’s like, “Ayre you going to cry Mum?” And Mum’s like, “Norrrr why?” And then Pandy comes out in a wedding dress looking like Pandy wearing a wedding dress. The best part of this scene was Giggy getting stuck in his clothing and struggling to break free. It symbolized exactly how I was feeling at the very moment.
Pandy wanted more diamonds and roses on her dress. To me, that’s like someone wanting more salmonella on their mold. Well, it’s not that bad, that’s an exaggeration. But really, could it get any barfier? Anywhoo, we never find out if she says yes to the dress, but something tells me we’ll find out soon…
Alrighty so in retaliation for Lisa having her daughter’s bachelorette party NOT at the Palms, Adrienne decides to have Camille, Brandi, Dana and D.D. over to her bowling suite at the casino. That’s right, she’s hosting an “In your face Lisa!” weekend. The ladies arrive sans Kim Richards, who sadly pulled her whole neck muscle while moving. Is this bitch still moving?!?!?! Sweet Jebus, the woman needs a moving intervention I’m telling you, in addition to an all other things intervention of course.
Over on the opposite side of Sin City, Lisa and Taylor and a murder of twenty-five year old gigglers arrive at the enemy casino: Planet Hollywood. They settle into their perspective suites: The young women suite and the old lady suite. And then there’s Taylor’s room. She doesn’t get a suite. Did you hear that it was her birthday?
“Happy Birthday, you get the shitty room. Now let’s go celebrate someone else who isn’t you!”
Let’s talk about Kyle for a minute. Ok ok, thirty seconds. As I mentioned earlier, Kyle couldn’t go to Vegas because she had to buy chandeliers and shoot the cover of her book she hasn’t written. She wants Kim to come support her because she likes being supported, not supporting, being supported. Get that straight. So she’s calling and calling but it keeps going to Kim’s voicemail.
“Hi you’ve reached former Disney child actress star Kim Richards. Please leave your name and number but especially your number because I dropped my last phone in a bucket of vodka and lost all my contacts. Also, I don’t listen to my voicemails. Thanks, and have a Disney day.”
So Kyle gets her picture taken in an evening gown on the kitchen table….what does that remind me of…OH YEAH. Sonja Morgan’s (of the Real Housewives of New York of course) photo shoot for her toaster oven recipe book that SHE never wrote! Are you sensing a pattern?? I wonder what Kyle’s book is about…
"And then I flipped my hair. And then I did the splits. And then I rolled my eyes as hard as I could. Did I mention my husband is hot? Where's my friend Faye? The End.”
Vegas with Adrienne is nothing short of Dana’s most favorite dream come true. As the ladies dine, Dana tells us about her newest ridiculous piece of designer nonsense that makes her feel validated. As if it couldn’t get more ridiculous than $25,000 sunglasses, Dana takes her tig ol’ bitties and slaps us right in the face with a dose of the opposite of reality. That’s right folks, it’s a million dollar diamond lollypop holder necklace. For my readers who just read the blog and don’t watch the show, that is not a joke. I couldn’t even make that up, and I’m cray. Seriously you guys, is this freaking chick just on a long audition for HSN? What the hell is she doing on my TV?? What the hell is she doing in the presence of Camille-Jebus??? She has no business. I mean Brandi may be a little off-white trash, but at least she brings the drama and says funny stuff. This Dana/Pam whoeverthefuck has got to go. That doesn’t mean you’re in Faye, sit the hell down.
So the cool group goes bowling in the hotel room. Of course they all wear high heels so many balls met the gutter. They had a grand ol’ time and no drama was to be had. Oh, life is good at the Palms when you’re with a MAloof.
The other group headed out for their night on the town. Why doesn’t Pandi have her Mum help her with her wardrobe? She dresses like a fourteen year old girl, always with the blousy floral prints. It’s not flattering, and I mean that in the nicest way possible. Lisa is ready and raring to go. I knew that demure act was a load of crap. They’re heading to the Chippendales Male Stripping show and Taylor can hardly keep it together, but in a good way this time. They get to go back stage to meet the dancers one on one. Lisa complains that Ken never wears his cock sock anymore (yikes, what a mental picture) and Taylor big-mouth laughs oddly which I gather is her flirting style judging by that horrible display with AJ or AT or AIF or whoever the damn singer was at Kennedy’s rodeo party.
If watching male strippers fling their junk every which way is wrong then Lisa doesn’t want to be right. And if watching male strippers fling their junk every which way is thrilling and horrific at the same time, Taylor wants to be thrilled and horrified. Pandy has her body turned full-on the opposite of her mum. Oh, you thought that you would be comfortable watching penises fly around with your mum sitting next to you Pandy?? I can’t even watch “Jerry Maguire” with my mom, Vintage Barbie, without feeling like I want to crawl out of my skin and die. Episodes of “Sex and the City”? Out of the question. Live naked men gyrating on couches to strobe lights? Definitely out of the question.
Cut to the cool group dancing at a club at THE PALMS (you’re welcome Adrienne). Brandi and Camille are getting down with their bad selves. We all know how Camille just luuuurves to shake her groove thang and now she has a partner in crime! Dana rolls around the floor, and Adrienne and D.D. look like they’re fighting off a seizure. It’s good times. There are even creepers that want to rub up on the ladies. Did you see those guys trying to weasel their way in there? You know how you’ll be dancing with your girls all in the zone (“I just wanna dance!”) and some freakin creeper will come up all “Night at the Roxbury” style and start making moves. But I think these ladies liked it, oh yes. Our favorite jilted housewives Camille and Brandi may have enjoyed that just a little.
Cut to the Chippendales party where Lisa, Taylor, and Pandy (I wonder how much $$$ Bravo paid to set that one up) had to get up on stage and compete in a lap dance competition. As if this couldn’t get more awkward. First up was Pandy who was awful, which was to be expected. Next up was Lisa who was pretty good, which was to be expected. Next up was Taylor who…please no, oh good, she didn’t do anything. Lisa was the clear winner and as a prize got to take home a Chippendale who she named Cedric #2.
Finally we have a shopping scene with the sisters of witch mountain. Kyle and Kim are in a nice store and everything seems well but then Kim begins to talk. Apparently her kids aren’t cool with Spike. It’s not his DUI that bothers them, or the fact that he’s a dinosaur, but the matter that he is kind of controlling. He tells Kim when to pack boxes and then when to unpack boxes, when to fold laundry and eat cheetoes, when not to fold laundry and eat cheetoes. So Kim’s little rugrats do not approve of the relationship. Something tells me the word “enabler” has crossed their minds once or twice. Kim sobs uncontrollably at the boutique while Kyle tries to comfort her even though she agrees with the rugrats. Not even Disney could save our little witch now.
Next week is the White Party and for some reason Kyle has to turn Taylor away at the door!! Ahhh excitement is running through my plastic little veins! Also, Kim and Brandi face off in white, AND Russell threatens to sue Camille! The drama is coming back my friends and I feel the same as Taylor does about naked men: thrilled and horrified.
Until next week…
Tuesday, December 6, 2011
Well, last night was cray. This episode provided us with wine-fueled antics topped off with some potent doses of anti-depressants, no doubt. When will these women learn that they need to lay off the booze while filming? Ken will tell you, when I drink white wine I get bat-shit cray. So at [omitted] years old, I DON’T DRINK WHITE WINE. See how that works? You learn these things about drinking and then you apply them when drinking. It helps prevent things like getting fired, getting pregnant, or completely losing your shit on national television. Ok with that, let’s get started…
More wedding crap. Vomit. Somebody shoot me. Why does anyone think it’s entertaining to watch someone pick out colors and napkins? Am I alone in this? It’s very possible. Maybe I’ve been too many renditions of Bride Barbie. I mean how many do you need Mattel, really. I marry the same freakin guy over and over again for gawd’s sake! But I digress…
Lisa and Pandy the Faker are choosing a “tablescape” for the wedding of a lifetime (ooooh ahhhh). I’m typing all of this in a British accent by the way. Ooooh Lisa just luuuuurves the crystally pinkness of it all! You know, Pink Crystal was Pandy’s favorite crayon in the Crayola box growing up. She would only color with Pink Crystal. So they mix and match with the flowers and the plates and the….Oh sorry, fell asleep for a moment.
Next we have Kyle taking her mother-in-law for her check-up appointment to let Dr. Paul Nassif take a look at the progress her face is making after being lifted. Mama Estella seems like a really nice lady. Dr. Paul pokes and prods and gives her a fair prognosis that it will be about six more months before she can feel her cheeks, but it’s worth it! Kyle laments that she wishes that Botox and fillers never existed and the women of Beverly Hills could all just play on a level playing field. She also wished for world peace, the end of hunger, and for all the puppies on the planet to have luuurving homes. Yeah right, she didn’t wish for any of that. I wish Paul would stop telling women what they need to have done surgically to improve their faces, that’s my wish.
Adrienne and Brandi are this episode’s ladies who lunch. Brandi talks about her little party she wants to have, and this time around “blow job teacher” has been modified to “belly dancing teacher”. She’s learning folks! She’s getting it!! Housewife parties can endure palpable sexuality, just not outright slutiness. Adrienne expresses concern that Camille and Taylor may not be ready to partay yet, but in the end they decide Brandi could use the airtime anyway so fuck it, let’s invite ‘em!
Kyle is running around her house all stressed out because she’s having people over for Cinco de Mayo. Apparently Mmmmmmmauricio is Mexican?? Anywhoo, Kyle’s telling her “lady sitter” (he sits on the ladies) she’s too busy to be so busy, telling the caterers how to carnitas, and telling her hubby to change shoes. She tells us she’s going to start laying his clothes out like she does with her three year old. Oh MMmmmmm. Come towards the light. Leave the dark side. It’s good over here, we promise.
So the people come over and of course we have the morally corrupt Faye Resnick because she would literally clean the toilets with her tongue if it meant she got to be on TV. And then some other people showed up that we care nothing about. Estella showed off her new face. Portia was scared. “Grandma got a new face, dooya like it?!?” How scary would that be if you were a kid?? Anyway, Kyle was scared in a different way. She was scared that her publicist would want her to say she doesn’t believe in plastic surgery for herself, but she would never say never and she’s not judging those who want to get it. That’s what they all say Kyle. Is that not the staple plastic surgery quote??
“I don’t personally believe in it for me, but I wouldn’t rule it out for sure, I mean who knows right? Hehe. But I’m not judging women who do get it, I mean to each her own, right? Tee hee. But I would prefer to be able to move my eyebrows and turn my head at the neck, but I’m not judging. Tee hee mcGee.”
Vomit again. I’m actually losing weight watching this episode.
This leads into Kyle making fun of her mother-in-law not being able to turn her still healing head at the neck, prompting her to comment that Estella now “fits in with all the women in Beverly Hills”. And proving that she could do what we thought the impossible, Kyle proves she can even be jealous of a woman in her sixties with the (clothed as a joke but we know she meant it) comment, “Only in Beverly Hills can your mother-in-Law look younger than you.”
Everybody is getting ready to party now! Camille climbs into her limo with sidekick D.D. and her friendly giant Liz. While they discuss Taylor’s cold, thin shoulder she’s throwing Camille’s way despite her many attempts at an apology, we are in Taylor’s bathroom watching her get ready while tiny mice spin a wheel of cray in her head. Taylor’s thinking, “Do I take my meds? Do I not take my meds? It says don’t mix with alcohol so maybe I should just…but then…oh dear…” You should have taken the meds Taylor. You should have taken the meds. Actually you shouldn’t have gone. There, problem solved.
Alright well Kyle gets in Taylor’s limo so you know those drama mice are a’spinnin’. Taylor’s bitching about Camille, Kyle’s not saying how she really feels (shocking), and Camille, Friendly Giant and D.D. are discussing Taylor’s antics in the other limo across the 90210.
Finally the ladies arrive at the party and a party it is! A party of about ten people, plus four on staff and the homeowner. Not a huge party, but a nice party and a sweet house on the ocean. Oh but Taylor thought it would be a more grand party at a much larger home and with many more important people! So now she’s super nervous about the Camille thing. She’s soooo nervous that when she sees her she gives her a thirty minute hug. The whole time we are thinking, WTF? And then D.D. or Friendly Giant says, “Aw that was nice,” and Camille’s face literally embodies my exact feelings. Which are, WTF?
Brandi’s there and in all her glory. Heeyyyyoooo! Brandi’s nipples were wonderful hosts; they got everyone a glass of wine upon arrival, showed the home in a lovely tour, and were largely the entertainment for the first part of the night. Ok so Brandi’s dress was a tad see-through, but she has awesome bubbies so why not? It was an all-women party! Only vaginas allowed!! No one’s husband/brother/son/father was there to ogle (I think there was a dude caterer, but he deserves a little fun at a party too, right?) so what’s the harm?!? The only reason a woman would be mad that another woman wore something revealing to an all-women party is because that woman wishes she had the other woman’s body….Kyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyle. Case in point: Camille saying, “Nipples are in!” See, even Camille’s secure this season.
There must have been a ton of wine because everyone got hammered. Brandi’s going on and on to a friend about how Kyle is married AND to a guy that doesn’t cheat on her AND he’s hot!! Kyle doesn’t like it when people say her husband’s hot. She likes it if you say it only once so she can get the attention and only if she likes you but otherwise keep the hot husband talk off your filler lips, you hear?? Personally I luuuuuuurve when people tell me how hot Ken is because I know no matter what we will be together forever and also, if I absolutely have to, I will cut a bitch. But typically, talk away about how hot my husband is. Talk away.
If you can’t tell, I’m completely over Kyle. The only one I loathe more than Kyle is Waste-of-Space Dana. On the couch when Kyle said to all of the girls, “Apparently it’s a wedge and a no-bra party (cackle cackle cackle)” I wanted to throw something at my TV. Kyle, the woman you’re talking about is THE HOST OF THE PARTY. It’s just rude. I think what bothers me most is that all of her jokes are at the expense of other people. Well, now that I think about it there’s nothing at all wrong with that….allow me to rephrase. Her jokes aren’t funny. Ok there it is. I mean, a wedge and a no-bra party?! What is this, amateur hour? And then she bursts into hysterics like she’s starring in the Blue Collar Comedy Tour alongside Larry the Cable Guy and the angry dude who drinks a lot. Is it just me? I’ll move on…
Brandi’s belly dancer friend starts the belly dancing class. No one listens to a word she says, they just start dancing like a bunch of wild banshees. Kyle rejects the first three skirt-wrap thingys she’s offered, and then does the splits again (if you didn’t agree with the above paragraph before, are you warming up to the idea yet?) and Taylor’s bouncing around like one of those blow up things at your local car dealership. The whole scene is slightly disturbing.
After hours of drinking, the women are gathered in the kitchen and Taylor is talking shit about Camille within earshot of Camille and Camille’s entourage. D.D. steps in to ask Taylor to talk to Camille and accept her apology, but Taylor rejects her request stating that what she did was unforgivable and she put her child in danger. You mean like when you get abused by your husband but stay with him and star in a reality show that airs your dirty laundry to all of America because back at the farm in Oklahoma you always dreamed about being on TV???
So D.D. is, first of all, too yellow for a Monday night, but then also a bit too persistent. Dedre, darling, you were there for the psychic dinner from hell, you know how these things turn out. But D.D. didn’t care, she was going to defend her friend. In her sloppy state she slurs, “I love her, I love you, why don’t you go talk?!?” and Taylor points her death finger at Camille and commands, “YOU. OUTSIDE. NOW.”
Camille just walks outside seemingly without a care in the world, but D.D. will not take that tone to her dearest friend! D.D. follows Taylor around getting all up in her grill about how she needs to talk to Camille, accept Camille’s apology, but most of all: CALM DOWN. This reminded me of when Kim G. told Danielle in Real Housewives of New Jersey to calm down after the Great Weave Pulling by shouting in her face, “CALM DOWN!!”
The entire group of women end up outside. How did this happen?? So then Taylor tries to climb over the ledge to end the suffering by throwing herself into the ocean but then Kyle talks her off the ledge. Only literally though. Taylor is actually having another complete meltdown before our very eyes. She’s sobbing, screaming, crawling around tables. D.D. keeps coming at her but then Camille tells her to stop and she walks away only to reappear seconds later. This repeats several times. Adrienne is covering Taylor’s mouth like she’s a four year-old while Kyle says, “Don’t do that!” You see, Kyle promised Taylor she’d have her back on the limo ride there and have her back she did. She held her back by holding onto her back while telling everyone to back it up. D.D. is like a terrier though, she does not back down. Meanwhile the Friendly Giant is saying things like, “See this ocean? This ocean will be here long after we’re gone.” Oh nice giant lady. Your existentialism is completely lost on this crowd.
Finally Brandi says, “Taylor, I need you to leave this house,” and that’s when Kyle’s like, “Hey! That’s rude!” and points her finger in Brandi’s face. Well we all know that Brandi hates finger-pointing so she slaps Kyle’s finger away (that’s two Richards now that she’s slapped) and Kyle threatens, “Don’t you touch me like that ever again or you’ll be sorry.” My money’s on Brandi, that bitch be cray.
Kyle and Taylor leave, oh no wait. Taylor’s got to find her shawl. Have you ever noticed how after a breakdown Taylor gets eerily calm and has this uber creepy smile on her face? It’s so scary. Watch for it after the next breakdown. Kyle and Taylor’s limo leaves and Taylor is sobbing uncontrollably and uttering nonsense. Then she starts yelling that she needs a light. At first I thought she needed to read something back there, but no! She needs a cigarette!! The woman is yelling, “I need a light!! I need a light! I need a cigarette, I NEED A FUCKING CIGARETTE!” and when they show her flailing around in the back of that limo, sure as I suspected, she smokes Virginia Slims. I bet she wears coats made out of Dalmatian puppies too.
Cut to Brandi crying on her friend’s shoulder, “I just wanted to have a nice party….” Welcome to the group Brandi.
There was other Lisa stuff but I can’t anymore with the wedding and who cares about the construction of her Sur addition, I mean really. There was also a random (is there any other kind?) Kim clip but I can’t remember what it was. I remember wanting to touch on it, so if you remember, help a sista out.
Also, if you haven’t heard, Kim has checked herself into rehab for meth addiction. Just kidding, but only about the last part. We don’t know what she’s in for yet.
OK kiddos, tune in next week to see the aftermath of the wedge/no bra party, as we all know there will be aftermath.
Until next week…
Addition: A special shout-out to my friend and birthday girl Cat (meow!) for reminding me oh-so prompty that the Kim clip was of her randomly doing laundry and eating cheetos. Thanks Cat!
Addition: A special shout-out to my friend and birthday girl Cat (meow!) for reminding me oh-so prompty that the Kim clip was of her randomly doing laundry and eating cheetos. Thanks Cat!
Thursday, December 1, 2011
OK sorry I’m behind, the holidays are throwing me off. This episode wasn’t the best but you know what that means: Next week will be epically drama-filled! Let’s get started on this week’s episode before I think of something I should be doing instead of this…
More of Pandora’s wedding planning. I’m a little biased because I hate weddings, but I’m already soooooo over this. So I’m going to skim through. First the invites. The 6X6 foot invitation boxes were just too much, so Lisa and “Pandi” (barf) went with the 4X4 boxes instead. Also in lieu of red roses they went with white. Ohhh it made the awful gawdy things so much classier! But they are still thirty-seven kinds of ridiculous so the cat-faced wedding planner was happy. They had a mixologist audition in their kitchen where he displayed exploding cocktails. If I was made to wait in line for 45 minutes for a drink so everyone could watch their cocktail explode, I would explode. Consider yourselves warned.
I’m so excited to move beyond the wedding. Let’s talk about Adrienne. Adrienne has always dreamed since she was just a breath of a Maloof of designing her very own shoe line. Which means that now there is no longer one franchise of housewives left that doesn’t have at least one housewife hawking something. She’s planning a fashion show to showcase her new line with some other designer named Kevan with an A instead of an E between V and N so he must be fancy. The fashion show will be held in Adrienne back yard since it’s pretty much the size of Central Park and it will benefit young girls who will eventually grow up and hopefully wear Adrienne’s perfectly practical seven inch heels. There was no sarcasm in that last sentence.
OH Sweet Oklahoma Jebus, Bravo didn’t cut the Armstrong’s therapy footage. How awkward was this you guys? I was actually speechless. I was wordless! I had to stop taking notes because I quite literally had no words. But I’ll come up with some now. Clearly the entire time the therapist is trying to get Russell to admit he has an anger problem that may be leading to violence. Speaking of the therapist, did you catch that he’s actually a licensed chiropractor and not a doctor in psychology? Something about how mind and body go hand in hand? I don’t know. This must be a Beverly Hills trend. If I were being abused mentally, emotionally and possibly physically, I feel like I would want the hardcore ‘what the fuck is going on in your head’ doctor. But I’ve never been abused so I can’t really say that. But I was wondering it to myself in my head where I can think whatever I want. And why would either of them agree to having their therapy sessions taped? How awkward was their hand-holding? Did you notice how Taylor didn’t really have an answer when the doctor responded to her statement, “Clearly we love each other,” with “Do you?” Yikes. Knowing how the whole thing plays out made it cringe-worthy to watch to say the least. I hope they don’t have any more of those. I mean, my heart may be plastic but even I have to draw a line.
Back to wedding hell. Is this going to last all season? Moving on…
Brandi and Kyle are supposed to get pedicures with Taylor but Taylor drops out last minute leaving Frick and Frack to figure out how to play nice on their own. I actually think one-on-one time is the only time these betches aren’t fighting for the lime light by fighting. They seem to be getting along which is a relief because I was still reeling from the therapy session I had zero business being involved in. Brandi must be feeling confident because she throws out a naughty little idea to Kyle, this season’s biggest prude. Brandi wants to have a get-together at her friend’s house in Malibu and was brainstorming entertainment ideas.
“I was thinking……what if we bring in a porn star who will teach us how to give B.J.s!”
Know your audience Brandi. It will get you far in life, trust me. I’m level on Brandi’s playing field, but I know who to suggest BJ Lesson Parties to and who to not. Kyle’s eyes roll all the way in back of her head, down the street and hop on the I-5 freeway to the I-10 east, all the way through Arizona and continue down the I-25 until they get stopped at customs trying to cross the border. Even a drug-war border town in Mexico is a more desirable place to live than Kyle’s head.
Kyle, it would be best to keep in mind who your niece is when you get all “Judgy Wudgy was a Bear” on us. Bitch please.
Alright, the fashion show set-up. Considering Adrienne’s attention to detail at the Family Friendly BBQ she threw a few episodes ago you knew this was going to get cray. She checked every detail, yelled at some people, played the whole “I trust you but not really” game (As Event Coordinator Barbie, I can tell you that is the WORST game clients play). Adrienne’s event coordinator has flamboyant hair and a skeezy fake smile and his name is Shay. Never trust anyone named Shay. He’ll make your backyard look like Liberace ate a Zales store at Christmastime and then threw it all over your trees and bushes. I like Adrienne as a person but, especially for a millionaire, her taste level leaves something to be desired. Proof: Glitter extensions reside in her hair.
Next up we have yet another awkward Armstrong moment. I’m going to say it again: WHY DOES THIS WOMAN WANT TO BE ON TV??? OK so I thought Russell was rather supportive. He complimented her when she came down the stairs (she seemed to purposefully react as though he’d never done that before, as if to prove her accusations of bad husbandtry to us, the viewers) and he was nice in the car ride about the fight with Camille that Taylor had over “blatant lies”. I am willing to bet her Louboutins (not mine, obvi) that Taylor didn’t disclose to Russell that she’d told ALL the ladies on the show how he beats her when he’s mad. Yeah, no. Something tells me Russell got a rather edited version of the run of events. But Taylor, ever the calm one, is not prone to getting angry. I mean, there have only been like twelve episodes in two seasons where she’s gotten angry. One of those caused two sisters to break up, and in another one she threatened an 80 pound, emotionally unstable woman with the words “I’m bout to go Oklahoma on your ass!” But yeah, anger’s not Taylor’s thing.
Finally the actual Fashion Show. Taylor and Russell arrive and Kyle is surprised to see Russell at one of these things. She goes all Christina Crawford on everyone and outs their asses. She tells us that she’s unsure why Taylor’s twisted as a pretzel over Camille just saying what Taylor has been telling them all. DUN DUN DUNNNNNNN. This is the second time someone has openly admitted that Taylor told them Russell beats her. Cray.
Lisa arrives with Ken, Mohammad and Giggy in tow. Adrienne immediately gathers up Lisa and whisks her off to the confrontation hall (every Maloof has one) to confront her about the bachelorette betrayal.
“Why you gotta let your daughter and her friends stay at another hotel in Las Vegas?”
I actually felt sorry for Lisa, she looked genuinely confused, as well she should. She tried to sputter some stuff about how the owner of Planet Hollywood was an old family friend….
“We’re old friends! We’re neighbors!!” Whoa Adrienne. Take it down a notch.
Then Lisa tried to tell her how she really had nothing to do with it, it was supposed to be a gift and she never would have felt comfortable asking for such a favor. Then we get the real beef behind the beef:
“Well, yes you would,” snips Adrienne, “Remember when you asked us to carry your wine?”
Ohhhh no. she. did’ent.
So Lisa was just like, “Sorry Dahhling, I had no idea but next time I will come to you.” As they walked away though, each threw tiny insults over their shoulders like salt for good luck. And I’m pretty sure this whole wine scandal is sitting on Bravo’s editing room floor.
Taylor was hoping not to run into Camille because of the anger she doesn’t have, but run into her she did. And outside the ladies room of all places. The ladies room is like the watering hole for animals in Africa: off limits to fighting/eating each other because there’s a mutual understanding that you need to be there in order to survive. Taylor looked as though she wanted to disappear into the wall, but even as thin as she is, she just could not. She did some funny twirls though before realizing there was no place to go. Camille was the picture of elegance, acting as though nothing at all was wrong between them, and dancing away with an effortless ease that you know just ate at Taylor’s non-angry core. Taylor said ominously, “We’ll talk. Later…” but Camille was already half way up the staircase waving like a 1950’s beauty queen.
Ok now the Fashion Show, I know I keep saying that. The CEO of the charity Adrienne’s show is helping is apparently Adrienne’s biggest fan. Kiss Ass McGee gave a great motivational speech to Adrienne right after our favorite Maloof threatened the lives of the help if they confused her about which side she would be accepting champagne from. That’s what I call in my world a “fancy problem”.
“Frederick! Which fucking side will I be accepting the fucking champagne for the fucking toast from?!? WHICH SIDE?!?! Don’t tell me the right side and then the left side!! TELL ME WHICH SIDE!!!!!!!!”
The fashion show starts and it’s exactly like any other fashion show held in a giant backyard. Light! Dark! Music! Models! Ooh! Ahh! The women bitched that you couldn’t see the shoes the models were wearing because they were sporting long gowns but so what? Who cayes? Are you really here for the shoes that Adrienne could show you anytime at any of the millions of luncheons ya’ll have or for the camera time? Dana was there for the camera time. What a waste of time for Dana.
Lisa says to the camera that the Vanderpump could kick the Maloof Hoof’s ass so I’m guessing she’s never seen the Maloof Hoof in a boxing session because she would keep her bloody mouth shut if she had. Also, as fabulously pumpy as you knows Vanderpumps are or would be, Lisa’s tasteful four inch would stand no chance against Adrienne’s seven inchers with the sharp-ended studs on the heel. Ouch.
Well that pretty much does it folks. Next week someone on this show is a narcissist (close your eyes and point at the screen- you’re right) and Kyle is doing the splits at a party again. Kyle and Brandi get into a straight-up cat fight with full-on slapping of the slaps and titting of the tats. Oh yeah, and Taylor Armstrong has yet ANOTHER breakdown.
Can’t wait, see you next week my lovelies!