Care for some Wine with that Whine?

Well, last night was cray.  This episode provided us with wine-fueled antics topped off with some potent doses of anti-depressants, no doubt.  When will these women learn that they need to lay off the booze while filming?  Ken will tell you, when I drink white wine I get bat-shit cray.  So at [omitted] years old, I DON’T DRINK WHITE WINE.  See how that works?  You learn these things about drinking and then you apply them when drinking.  It helps prevent things like getting fired, getting pregnant, or completely losing your shit on national television.  Ok with that, let’s get started…

More wedding crap.  Vomit.  Somebody shoot me.  Why does anyone think it’s entertaining to watch someone pick out colors and napkins?  Am I alone in this?  It’s very possible.  Maybe I’ve been too many renditions of Bride Barbie.  I mean how many do you need Mattel, really.  I marry the same freakin guy over and over again for gawd’s sake!  But I digress…

Lisa and Pandy the Faker are choosing a “tablescape” for the wedding of a lifetime (ooooh ahhhh).  I’m typing all of this in a British accent by the way.  Ooooh Lisa just luuuuurves the crystally pinkness of it all!  You know, Pink Crystal was Pandy’s favorite crayon in the Crayola box growing up.  She would only color with Pink Crystal.  So they mix and match with the flowers and the plates and the….Oh sorry, fell asleep for a moment.

Next we have Kyle taking her mother-in-law for her check-up appointment to let Dr. Paul Nassif take a look at the progress her face is making after being lifted.  Mama Estella seems like a really nice lady.  Dr. Paul pokes and prods and gives her a fair prognosis that it will be about six more months before she can feel her cheeks, but it’s worth it!  Kyle laments that she wishes that Botox and fillers never existed and the women of Beverly Hills could all just play on a level playing field.  She also wished for world peace, the end of hunger, and for all the puppies on the planet to have luuurving homes.  Yeah right, she didn’t wish for any of that.  I wish Paul would stop telling women what they need to have done surgically to improve their faces, that’s my wish.

Adrienne and Brandi are this episode’s ladies who lunch.  Brandi talks about her little party she wants to have, and this time around “blow job teacher” has been modified to “belly dancing teacher”.  She’s learning folks!  She’s getting it!!  Housewife parties can endure palpable sexuality, just not outright slutiness.  Adrienne expresses concern that Camille and Taylor may not be ready to partay yet, but in the end they decide Brandi could use the airtime anyway so fuck it, let’s invite ‘em!

Kyle is running around her house all stressed out because she’s having people over for Cinco de Mayo.  Apparently Mmmmmmmauricio is Mexican??  Anywhoo, Kyle’s telling her “lady sitter” (he sits on the ladies) she’s too busy to be so busy, telling the caterers how to carnitas, and telling her hubby to change shoes.  She tells us she’s going to start laying his clothes out like she does with her three year old.  Oh MMmmmmm.  Come towards the light.  Leave the dark side.  It’s good over here, we promise.

So the people come over and of course we have the morally corrupt Faye Resnick because she would literally clean the toilets with her tongue if it meant she got to be on TV.  And then some other people showed up that we care nothing about.  Estella showed off her new face.  Portia was scared.  “Grandma got a new face, dooya like it?!?”  How scary would that be if you were a kid??  Anyway, Kyle was scared in a different way.  She was scared that her publicist would want her to say she doesn’t believe in plastic surgery for herself, but she would never say never and she’s not judging those who want to get it.  That’s what they all say Kyle.  Is that not the staple plastic surgery quote??

“I don’t personally believe in it for me, but I wouldn’t rule it out for sure, I mean who knows right?  Hehe.  But I’m not judging women who do get it, I mean to each her own, right? Tee hee.  But I would prefer to be able to move my eyebrows and turn my head at the neck, but I’m not judging. Tee hee mcGee.” 

Vomit again.  I’m actually losing weight watching this episode.

This leads into Kyle making fun of her mother-in-law not being able to turn her still healing head at the neck, prompting her to comment that Estella now “fits in with all the women in Beverly Hills”.  And proving that she could do what we thought the impossible, Kyle proves she can even be jealous of a woman in her sixties with the (clothed as a joke but we know she meant it) comment, “Only in Beverly Hills can your mother-in-Law look younger than you.”

Everybody is getting ready to party now!  Camille climbs into her limo with sidekick D.D. and her friendly giant Liz.  While they discuss Taylor’s cold, thin shoulder she’s throwing Camille’s way despite her many attempts at an apology, we are in Taylor’s bathroom watching her get ready while tiny mice spin a wheel of cray in her head.  Taylor’s thinking, “Do I take my meds?  Do I not take my meds?  It says don’t mix with alcohol so maybe I should just…but then…oh dear…”  You should have taken the meds Taylor.  You should have taken the meds.  Actually you shouldn’t have gone.  There, problem solved.

Alright well Kyle gets in Taylor’s limo so you know those drama mice are a’spinnin’.  Taylor’s bitching about Camille, Kyle’s not saying how she really feels (shocking), and Camille, Friendly Giant and D.D. are discussing Taylor’s antics in the other limo across the 90210.

Finally the ladies arrive at the party and a party it is!  A party of about ten people, plus four on staff and the homeowner.  Not a huge party, but a nice party and a sweet house on the ocean.  Oh but Taylor thought it would be a more grand party at a much larger home and with many more important people!  So now she’s super nervous about the Camille thing.  She’s soooo nervous that when she sees her she gives her a thirty minute hug.  The whole time we are thinking, WTF?  And then D.D. or Friendly Giant says, “Aw that was nice,” and Camille’s face literally embodies my exact feelings.  Which are, WTF?

Brandi’s there and in all her glory.  Heeyyyyoooo!  Brandi’s nipples were wonderful hosts; they got everyone a glass of wine upon arrival, showed the home in a lovely tour, and were largely the entertainment for the first part of the night.  Ok so Brandi’s dress was a tad see-through, but she has awesome bubbies so why not?  It was an all-women party!  Only vaginas allowed!!  No one’s husband/brother/son/father was there to ogle (I think there was a dude caterer, but he deserves a little fun at a party too, right?) so what’s the harm?!?  The only reason a woman would be mad that another woman wore something revealing to an all-women party is because that woman wishes she had the other woman’s body….Kyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyle.  Case in point:  Camille saying, “Nipples are in!”  See, even Camille’s secure this season.

There must have been a ton of wine because everyone got hammered.  Brandi’s going on and on to a friend about how Kyle is married AND to a guy that doesn’t cheat on her AND he’s hot!!  Kyle doesn’t like it when people say her husband’s hot.  She likes it if you say it only once so she can get the attention and only if she likes you but otherwise keep the hot husband talk off your filler lips, you hear??  Personally I luuuuuuurve when people tell me how hot Ken is because I know no matter what we will be together forever and also, if I absolutely have to, I will cut a bitch.  But typically, talk away about how hot my husband is.  Talk away.

If you can’t tell, I’m completely over Kyle.  The only one I loathe more than Kyle is Waste-of-Space Dana.  On the couch when Kyle said to all of the girls, “Apparently it’s a wedge and a no-bra party (cackle cackle cackle)” I wanted to throw something at my TV.  Kyle, the woman you’re talking about is THE HOST OF THE PARTY.  It’s just rude.  I think what bothers me most is that all of her jokes are at the expense of other people.  Well, now that I think about it there’s nothing at all wrong with that….allow me to rephrase.  Her jokes aren’t funny.  Ok there it is.  I mean, a wedge and a no-bra party?!  What is this, amateur hour?  And then she bursts into hysterics like she’s starring in the Blue Collar Comedy Tour alongside Larry the Cable Guy and the angry dude who drinks a lot.  Is it just me?  I’ll move on…

Brandi’s belly dancer friend starts the belly dancing class.  No one listens to a word she says, they just start dancing like a bunch of wild banshees.  Kyle rejects the first three skirt-wrap thingys she’s offered, and then does the splits again (if you didn’t agree with the above paragraph before, are you warming up to the idea yet?) and Taylor’s bouncing around like one of those blow up things at your local car dealership.  The whole scene is slightly disturbing. 

After hours of drinking, the women are gathered in the kitchen and Taylor is talking shit about Camille within earshot of Camille and Camille’s entourage.  D.D. steps in to ask Taylor to talk to Camille and accept her apology, but Taylor rejects her request stating that what she did was unforgivable and she put her child in danger.  You mean like when you get abused by your husband but stay with him and star in a reality show that airs your dirty laundry to all of America because back at the farm in Oklahoma you always dreamed about being on TV???

So D.D. is, first of all, too yellow for a Monday night, but then also a bit too persistent.  Dedre, darling, you were there for the psychic dinner from hell, you know how these things turn out.  But D.D. didn’t care, she was going to defend her friend.  In her sloppy state she slurs, “I love her, I love you, why don’t you go talk?!?” and Taylor points her death finger at Camille and commands, “YOU.  OUTSIDE.  NOW.”

Camille just walks outside seemingly without a care in the world, but D.D. will not take that tone to her dearest friend!  D.D. follows Taylor around getting all up in her grill about how she needs to talk to Camille, accept Camille’s apology, but most of all: CALM DOWN.  This reminded me of when Kim G. told Danielle in Real Housewives of New Jersey to calm down after the Great Weave Pulling by shouting in her face, “CALM DOWN!!” 

The entire group of women end up outside.  How did this happen??  So then Taylor tries to climb over the ledge to end the suffering by throwing herself into the ocean but then Kyle talks her off the ledge.  Only literally though.  Taylor is actually having another complete meltdown before our very eyes.  She’s sobbing, screaming, crawling around tables.  D.D. keeps coming at her but then Camille tells her to stop and she walks away only to reappear seconds later.  This repeats several times.  Adrienne is covering Taylor’s mouth like she’s a four year-old while Kyle says, “Don’t do that!”  You see, Kyle promised Taylor she’d have her back on the limo ride there and have her back she did.  She held her back by holding onto her back while telling everyone to back it up.  D.D. is like a terrier though, she does not back down.  Meanwhile the Friendly Giant is saying things like, “See this ocean?  This ocean will be here long after we’re gone.”  Oh nice giant lady.  Your existentialism is completely lost on this crowd.



Finally Brandi says, “Taylor, I need you to leave this house,” and that’s when Kyle’s like, “Hey! That’s rude!” and points her finger in Brandi’s face.  Well we all know that Brandi hates finger-pointing so she slaps Kyle’s finger away (that’s two Richards now that she’s slapped) and Kyle threatens, “Don’t you touch me like that ever again or you’ll be sorry.”  My money’s on Brandi, that bitch be cray.

 



Kyle and Taylor leave, oh no wait.  Taylor’s got to find her shawl.  Have you ever noticed how after a breakdown Taylor gets eerily calm and has this uber creepy smile on her face?  It’s so scary.  Watch for it after the next breakdown.  Kyle and Taylor’s limo leaves and Taylor is sobbing uncontrollably and uttering nonsense.  Then she starts yelling that she needs a light.  At first I thought she needed to read something back there, but no!  She needs a cigarette!!  The woman is yelling, “I need a light!!  I need a light!  I need a cigarette, I NEED A FUCKING CIGARETTE!” and when they show her flailing around in the back of that limo, sure as I suspected, she smokes Virginia Slims.  I bet she wears coats made out of Dalmatian puppies too.

Cut to Brandi crying on her friend’s shoulder, “I just wanted to have a nice party….” Welcome to the group Brandi. 

There was other Lisa stuff but I can’t anymore with the wedding and who cares about the construction of her Sur addition, I mean really.  There was also a random (is there any other kind?) Kim clip but I can’t remember what it was.  I remember wanting to touch on it, so if you remember, help a sista out.

Also, if you haven’t heard, Kim has checked herself into rehab for meth addiction.  Just kidding, but only about the last part.  We don’t know what she’s in for yet.

OK kiddos, tune in next week to see the aftermath of the wedge/no bra party, as we all know there will be aftermath.

Until next week…

XO,

Barbs

Addition:  A special shout-out to my friend and birthday girl Cat (meow!) for reminding me oh-so prompty that the Kim clip was of her randomly doing laundry and eating cheetos.  Thanks Cat!