Friday, June 29, 2012

As the World Turns and the Fur Flies: A Very Orange County Finale

Aren’t the finale parties just the best you guys?  Tamra Barney knows how to stay on a TV show doesn’t she?  I mean, two years ago at the Four Seasons she decided she was divorcing Simon and told him to go f**k himself, last year she threw wine in the face of the woman who not only got her on the show but actually was the reason the show ever existed, and this year she causes a shouting match over the “evil eye” accusation of the century.  Do you think an evil eye ran over Tamra’s puppy when she was a child??  She has extreme emotional reactions to evil eyes.  Let’s begin…

We open with the “Sha aat ma baw” saga coming to a close.  Sarah is still having vodka-induced anxiety over the fact that “it was just a tiny piece of the bow” so she bombards Heather in her kitchen to talk about it some more because when you’re hammered, you think talking is a good thing.  I’m sorry, and I’ll admit this probably makes me a bad person but I’m made out of plastic, right, so f**ck it.  How funny was it when Sarah was drunk-crying with her face all shocked-like and her hair all askew and pathetically demanded of Heather, “Really Heather??  Over a bow???”  Heather is just like, “SOMEBODY GET THIS CRAZY BEEZY THE HELL OUTTA HERE!”  She calls in the Calvary, “I need my husband!  Terry!  Tamra! Gretchen!  Bubbies!”  And like little minions they all come a’runnin’. 

How awesome was Bubbies with her indignant, “What’s the major problem here?!?  What’s the serious problem?!?!”  The serious problem, my dear Bubbies, is that you brought a drunk crazy bitch to the party and left her alone to verbally slur-attack the hostess in her kitchen.  To all of our surprise, our favorite “dead beat dad” Slade steps up and tells Bubbies to tone it down seventeen notches and that Sarah has GOTSTA go.  Heather says, “The Sarah chapter is closing now.”  I’m going to start saying that ALL THE TIME.  The chaotic scene in the kitchen was comical to say the least.  You had the catering staff who were like, WTF?  Then you had the entire cast huddled around Sarah with her yelling, “REALLY??  Over a bow????” and Bubbies putting her hands in peoples’ faces going, “Can someone tell me what the serious problem is here?!?” and Gretchen telling Bubbies to get her hand out of Slade’s face, and Tamra cheering on the drama, and Heather just wants to drink her champs.

Ultimately, Slade escorted Sarah out along with some random who clearly really wanted to be on camera that evening.  There, on the front porch, came the best line ever to come out of someone’s mouth in Real Housewives history and yes, I am including, “Prostitution Whore!” and it was Sarah who let these words pitifully escape her filler-filled lips:
“Really, over a cake?  Is this the world we live in?”
I literally couldn’t even type that without cackling.  If you don’t watch the show, please know this was one of those “you had to be there” moments.  It was SO DRAMATIC.  I wanted to be like, “Hey Crazy, is this the world we live in where getting kicked out of a party warrants a line like ‘Is this the world we live in?’”
After Sarah left there was no more drama and everyone had a great time.  JUST KIDDING.
But there was a happy moment with Gretchen and Tamra, and by happy I mean vomit-inducing.  Gretchen took Tamra aside privately to give her a….you guessed it.  A friendship bracelet!!!  It’s black because Tammy allllllllways wears black and it has a key that opens the heart box on the friendship bracelet Tamra gave Gretchen in episode one, and it’s sparkly cause they’re both sparkly and weeeeeeeeeee special friend time.  What did I tell you guys last season?  Think back.  I said Tamra and Gretchen would make peace this year because otherwise they would get kicked the hell off this show for having the same story line for twenty-three seasons.  You’re welcome.  It’s a gift, really.  I tell Housewives future.

Just when everyone is all bunny tails and rainbow tutus, who shows up but the all-mightly Jim-God himself, in the flesh.  He struts straight up to Bubbies and Bubbies’ little brain makes a poo poo when she sees him.  She’s so excited because who is she without her Lord and Savior???  Heather and Terri feel a liiiiittle differently though.  You would think Jim-God was either really God or was built like Hulk Hogan with how scared Terry appeared.  Heather just had a hard case of the awkwards, as Jim-God came upon them and blessed uponst them hisith greeting.  Both Terry and Heather were stammering, “We’re just so glad you came, we’re just so glad you’re here.  Can we get you anything?  A drink?  The blood of your son perhaps??  Ha ha, bad joke, sorry.  We’re a little nervous because we talk shit about your wife all the time and now you’re here and you’re eerily calm and we are expecting a locust army to fly overhead any minute now and ha ha ha is that Ferragamo you’re wearing??”

Jim-God was polite, but indeed jarringly composed for this group.  He took the beverage and greeted the people.  As they stood in a circle trying to be civil, Bubbies exclaimed (in my best Marilyn Monroe mock voice, no offense to Ms. Monroe) “You guys should talk because it’s just uncomfortable otherwise,” which is kind of ironic because it wasn’t really that uncomfortable until she said that.  Jim-God bestowiths upon her his wrath and says, “So I guess you wear the pants now?” Whoaaaa, cray.  If Ken said that to me in front of a bunch of people I’d snap, “So I guess you have to purchase your sex on a street corner from Hooker Barbie now since you won’t be getting any from me.”  But alas, Jim-God succumbed to Bubbies’ request and stepped aside to have a mano-a-mano chat with Terry.  They sat down, assigning positions on the white couches like manly men: “You sit there.  I sit here.”  And then it went a little something like this:
Jim-God:  I heard you said my wife was the phoniest person in the world.
Terry:  Well, not the whole world…

And before they could even attempt a glove slapping match or a sword fight in Bubbies’ honor, Heather comes over and has a seat next to her husband.  Do the Dubrows think Jim-God is going to resort to violence?  They seem a little paranoid, no?  The gentlemen continue to have a relatively gentlemen-like conversation in which Terry tries to explain where he was coming from on his “phony” comment instead of trying to deny it entirely which I think we were all respecting, and then it all comes to an abrupt end when Tamra the Drama-Tornado blows in and with the smuggest grin on her face pops a squat next to Heather.  Jim-God pops up like a pogo stick with hemorrhoids and announces he’s outta there.  He doesn’t want a huge scene, an ambush, a he-said-she-said bullshit sandwich.  He straight takes off without even telling Bubbies even.  He was in a hurry.  Can you blame the guy?  I mean did you see the look on Tamra’s face??  Bubbies finds out he took off, runs out after him, chases down the car that is about to pull out of the driveway yelling, “Babe!  Babe?”  and climbs inside to support her man, her God, the legend that is Jim-God.  The one person on this show who can walk away before a fight even occurs.  Bravo Jim-God.
Meanwhile, back at the party, the remaining cast members and their significant others sit down for a toast.  All seems to be well at this point.  Everyone has their champs and there are laughs a-plenty.  They raise a toast to something I can’t remember, and then Vicki (who has a new fur coat btw, did you hear? $25,000) toasts to Bubbies who was the only housewife missing.  Apparently when she does this, Tamra rolls her eyes at Vicki because she hates Bubbies with every fiber of her being for no justifiable reason.  Hating Bubbies is like hating a kitten with Alzheimer’s.  It’s just like, why?  Ok so it’s a little fuzzy at this point because the camera didn’t really catch the infamous eye roll, but when Tamra made her sour face at Vicki, Brooks said something to her like, “You don’t wanna go there.”  Then he began murmuring in Vicki’s ear, “She’s giving you the evil eye.”  Tamra laughs it off a bit at first and says, “I’m not giving her the f**king evil eye.”  But then, seemingly without much build up, all hell breaks loose.  Tamra’s yelling, “I DIDN’T GIVE HER THE F**KING EVIL EYE!!!” and Brooks just keeps whispering to Vicki, “She’s giving you the evil eye” (excuse me for a moment so I can laugh at this nonsense, ok moving on) and then Tamra just completely loses her shit altogether.  She stands up and almost clears the table and is in Brooks’ face pointing her angry little finger yelling, “YOU QUIT TELLING HER I’M GIVING HER THE EVIL EYE!!”  While this was starting Vicki was sort of quiet, but at this point she pipes up and says, “Eddie, control your woman,” at which point Tamra’s head spins all the way around and as she’s projectile vomiting pea soup she screams, “HE DOESN’T CONTROL ME!!  I DON’T LET MY MAN CONTROL ME!!  STOP TRYING TO CONTROL HER!!!!!!” and then Vicki jumps onto her feet and completely outdoes Tamra’s childlike temper tantrum scream voice with an adult, scary scream voice and screams, “HE DOESN’T CONTROL ME!!!  WE’RE LEAVING! WHO ARE YOU, YOU PSYCHO!!!!”  And with Tamra yapping behind them like a Chihuahua that’s just been bitch slapped by a Bichon, Vicki and Brooks attempt to make their exit.  The best part of this was the looks on Heather and Terry’s faces.  They were CLASSIC.

So as Vicki and Brooks try to find their way out of the gigantic house, Tamra is chasing after them yelling terrible nothings in their direction.  Vicki whirls around and tells a bitch off.

“YOU DO NOT TALK TO HIM OR ME LIKE THAT!  YOU BE QUIET NOW!!  YOU’RE SUPPOSED TO BE MY FRIEND, MY SOULMATE, MY SISTER!!!  WE’RE OUTTA HERE!!!!”  And then Vicki tells us, the audience, “No more friendship.  I’m done.”

Vicki and Brooks get as far as the driveway because whenever Vicki gets pissed and threatens to leave she only gets as far as the driveway.  Tamra runs back into the party and tries to cry, but her face won’t allow it.  The botox is rebelling against the moment.  She runs to Briana (Vicki’s daughter for my readers who don’t watch the show) and tattle tales on Vicki.  Briana agrees with the fact that her mom is blind, deaf, and dumb to anything not Brooks.

Briana and her new husband Ryan go to the driveway in search of her mom who she knows would have only gotten as far as the driveway.  There, Heather is trying to convince Vicki to stay just long enough to hear Heather’s special toast.  Briana tries to explain to her mom where Tamra is coming from in her concerns about Brooks, which Briana agrees with even if she doesn’t agree with Tamra’s delivery.  She tries to convince Vicki to come back to the party, calm down, and try to hear out her long time friend.  When that proved to be impossible, Briana tried to convince Vicki to just come back to the party.  That didn’t work either, Vicki flat out refused.  That is, until Brooks was like, “Let’s go back to the party,” and then Vicki was like, “Ok!” and Briana was like, “WTF, you listen to him but not your own daughter?  This is bullshit!” and everyone goes back to the party, but no one is happy.
Heather gives her special toast in which she quotes the old song where new friends are silver and the old ones are gold.  Then she makes a very Heather-like analogy as she looks around the group in which she says that she sees a lot of precious metal.  Awwwwww.  Then she announces that all the glasses of champagne have a diamond in them and one of them is real!  As if that were not fancy enough, she has a jeweler at the party who will weigh each to find which one is, and guess who wins.  Think of the person who least deserves a prize at this party.  It’s TAMRA!!!  In all fairness I feel I must mention Tamra is giving the diamond away to an engaged couple with the best love story posted on her “Wines by Wives” web page, so that’s nice Tammy Sue, your heart three sizes grew.
Just when we thought the crazy train had made a maintenance stop, Vicki comes up to Heather at the head of the group right after her toast and makes her own toast.  Now, mind you, it’s not only the housewives at this point, it’s all of Heather’s other guests as well.  Vicki walks up in all her furry glory and says with her head and her glass held high, “And I’m with Brooks and he’s my man and we’re together and you’re either in or out.”  And everyone was thinking, “What is this Russian Bear talking about??”
And so we end with the little epilogues that tell us either nothing or something we already knew thanks to the internet.  As Gretchen said, they are one big dysfunctional, f**ked up family, and that’s why we luuuuurve them.  I can honestly say I will miss the ladies of Orange County.  They are ten kinds of cray, and oh soooo divinely entertaining. 
Next week is the reunion and it promises to be a big one.  I’m stoked.  I may or may not write on the reunion depending on the material.  I’ll probably just project my opinion on all of you and disguise it as something factual.  Until then my friends, enjoy your summer weekend!

Friday, June 22, 2012

Let Them Not Eat Cake

Welcome back my luuuurves!  I know I missed last week’s episode so I’m going to sum it up for you all really quick, ready?  Tammy Sue’s getting married!  She got the ring betches!!  That is all.  Moving on to this week’s episode which was diamonds in champagne fabulous….
Disclaimer: I didn’t take notes you guys, I’m winging it this morning.  I know, I know.  So please, if I miss anything important, let me know in the comments section and I’ll add it in and give you all the credit.  Or I’ll take all the credit for myself. 

Tamra is meeting with Heather and Gretchen to show off the new clam bling and chatter about the proposal.  She had already called Heather from Bora Bora, so the surprise was only for Gretchen.  Gretchen arrived with two sparrows hanging from her ears, excited to hear the excitement of the exciting excitement.  Tamra, busted out a photo album and flipped through the pages, only getting through a few before Gretchen starts shouting, “Bora Bora!  OMG Did you LAWVE IT??  I LAWWWVE IT!” and then Tamra gets to the clam picture (for those of you not caught up, the ring was in a clam, you heard me) and she yelled, “AND THAT’S WHEN HE PROPOSED!!!”  And the fireworks went off and everyone is hugging and, but wait…where’s Vicki?  I hear no WOOHOOs.  Apparently, Vicki didn’t return Tamra’s calls because she was too busy admiring Brooks’ new grill so she couldn’t be there which, in reality TV world, makes her Enemy #1. 

A limo pulls up to Vicki’s house and Brooks crawls out carrying a large garment bag.  Whatever could it be?  Vicki (who always wears a scrunch butt dress to the final party, or am I imagining that?) flitters down the stairs to the door where she is greeted with a hug because, did you know?  Brooks is a hugger.  Her knight in shining armor then gifts his fair maiden with the fur of the animal he slaughtered just a few hours ago.  Sometimes I feel like Vicki has amnesia.  She’s always says things like, “That’s the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me,” after Brooks says something mundane and cliché like, “Well you deserve happiness,” and “This is the nicest thing anyone has ever given me!” but I seem to remember a six carat diamond ring that Donn gave her at that lunch where the bird shat on the waitress and Vicki laughed at her.  I’m not saying a diamond ring is better or worse than a fur coat, I’m just saying a diamond ring is better than a fur coat.  Plus I thought that fur coat kind of made Vicki look like a bear.  Or a Russian.  Not that there’s anything wrong with bears or Russians.
Next we have Bubbies meeting Krazy Sarah for drinks (because Sarah needs more drinks).  Bubbies tells Sarah of the tragedies that occurred in Costa Rica, and drops the overused phrases, “She didn’t have my back,” and “Bullied,” and Sarah was like “Hiccup! What?” and Bubbies was like, “I know who I am, that’s why I called everyone I know and asked them if they thought I was fake and pretentious and all of them pretended they didn’t know what I was talking about so do you want to come to the final party with me?” and Sarah was like, “I mmmmean, I’ll gooooo if you goooo, I meeeannnn if you go I’ll gooooo,” and it was settled.  Was that like watching two mosquitoes trying to get out of a closed window, or was that just me?
Can we talk about the Debrow Manor for just a bloody second?  Holy Chanel you guys.  That place is insane.  Heather had about 100 people on staff.  She had cascading roses in the entryway, glass bars and white tables and cray fire blower thingys and a view that trumps the Montage on a good day.  And then came my dream:  Heather proclaimed that each of the women will get a glass of champagne with a diamond in it and one of them is real.  ONE OF THEM IS REAL YOU GUYS.  Heather, allow me to send you my address as I would be honored to come to your next event.  Diamonds and champagne are my favorite.

While the village of staff members prepared the house, Heather and Terry got ready for the party.  Terry, bless his heart, is worried that Bubbies and/or Jim-God may approach him at the party.  But Heather discounts this worry as she does not believe Bubbies would be so rude.  Heather strolls down to check out the progress downstairs.  She’s disappointed in the cake she had put so much effort into designing out loud to Cinderella or whatever that chick’s name was.  The cake was supposed to be black and sparkly on the bottom, it was not.  It was supposed to be grande!  It was not.  It was pretty, most definitely, and looked like a cake so that was good, and Cinderella did have the decency to include the promised edible diamonds so that was good too.  There stood the cake as she looked on in disappointment, a picture of what was to come.
Tamra and Eddie arrived first, then Bubbies and Sarah.  Sarah looked like if Jessica Rabbit spent her entire divorce settlement on becoming a non-toon and had to walk the streets of Vegas to make ends meet.  Bubbies looked great though, I like that hair-do on her.  Vicki entered the vast entryway hugging tightly her new boyfriend-bought fur and exclaimed to the young man who opened the door, "Hi! I'm Vicki!!  Brooks bought me this fur coat just now!" and the poor lad, taken aback mumbled in a confused tone, "I'm...just the caterer."
Everyone was wearing fur which was kind of funny, I wonder if that was a requirement on the invite.
“Dead Animal Attire Required”

Everyone seems to be having a nice time, who wouldn’t!  The place is incredible, everyone looked furry fancy, there were name-changing gifts (ok how did I not get the memo that you can throw yourself a party for that?!?!) and champs with diamonds and it was like Orange County heaven.  Also, Vicki walked around and told every guest at the party that Brooks got his teeth done and bought her a fur. 
Then, and without warning, who arrives but Jeana Keough and her obnoxious daughter Kara (who looked great btw).  Tamra summons Gretchen, her new bestie.  She’s clearly distraught over the arrival of the Keough women.  But even that bullet seems to be dodged, as they are able to avoid each other.  Jeana and Kara greet their hosts Heather and Terry, and in their peripheral vision they catch Vicki and Brooks.  Kara cries, “Viiiiiiiiiiick!” and throws her arms around our favorite Russian bear.  Then Vicki does this wavy thing, waving Jeana over to her so they can embrace.  She tells us that she has had zero contact with Jeana and misses her.  I’m pretty sure she lives next door and the last time you saw her you let someone throw a drink in her face at your party so the ball’s in your court Vick. 

Anywhoo, Vicki proudly introduces Jeana and Kara to Brooks who is a hugger you guys!!  Brooks, if you have to tell everyone you meet you’re a hugger, you should by now have realized that not everyone is into hugging when they first meet some dude and maybe you should go case by case.  Also, the whole, “Is this your sister?” to the mother of a daughter half her age doesn’t fly anymore evidently, since Kara called him out by saying, “Oh thanks a lot.  You compliment her and insult me at the same time.”  Gawd, that girl is so obnoxious.
Speaking of Kara being obnoxious, let’s get this all out of the way right now.  Kara strategically dons a parka as a jab at Tamra to make sure she knows she threw a drink on her mom last year.  She says loudly, “Tamra’s here so I need to make sure I don’t get anything on my new dress!  It’s like being at Shamu but she’s a very tiny and angry Shamu.”  Ok, credit where credit is due, the tiny, angry Shamu line was funny.  So Tamra, being the shrinking violet she is, goes up to Kara and says, “Looks like you have something to say to me,” and Kara’s like, “I do,” and then they go sit on the fountain and I wonder, why not keep the parka on while you sit next to the fountain?  Seems like a good idea to me. 

The conversation went like this:
Kara: Why you gotta be so mean to my mom?
Tamra: Why your mom gotta be so mean to me?
Kara:  Our families used to be friends.
Tamra:  Yeah but then your mom talked shit and only I can talk shit.
Jeana comes over and asks who is being hard on whom, in her fake-sweet “I’ve already forgiven you” voice that I luuurve.  And with a blink of my made-up plastic eyes, the three of them were crying and hugging and apologizing and it was beautiful.  And with that, another of Tamra Barney’s enemy caterpillars is turned into a TV-friend butterfly.

FINALLY on to the best part.  Heather is chatting with a random friend telling her where the food is being served.  Said random friend then says the following precious little nugget:
“I don’t know who anyone is and I don’t want to cause any drama, but that slutty gold-digger chick with bad breath in the red sparkly dress who is dating a sixty year old just broke a piece of the bow off your cake and ate it.”
Heather, Jim-God love her, totally freaks.  You guys, let me set the record straight before I go on any further about this.  If one of my friends got wastey-faced at my fabulous partay and drunkenly broke a piece off my $500 cake that was the center piece of my décor and ate it, I would think it was hilaaaarious.  But if some drunk chick who I already didn’t like and didn’t even invite drunkenly broke a piece off my $500 cake that was the center piece of my décor and ate it, I would freak the fuck out.
Needless to say, when Heather ran over to her crew shouting, “Terri!  Tamra! Vicki!” I was right there with her.  I wish I could say that I would have confronted Sarah solo but it’s just not the truth.  I would have told EVERYBODY.  I’m just being honest.  #1 BEST moment in Real Housewives history is the moment Heather tattled in the brattiest, most awesome tone accompanied by the BEST bitch facial expression I have EVER seen.

“OHMAHGAH.  SHA AAHT MA BAW.”  (Translation: Oh my God.  She ate my bow.)
When Heather told her people what Sarah had done, the greatest thing happened.  Terri began shouting, “No fucking way! No fucking way!” and Heather, as angry as she was, would not tolerate the potty mouth.  She interrupted her tantrum and mumbled, “Stop cursing.”  It was an awesome moment.
The group approaches Sarah and confronts her about the atrocity: 
“Did you break off a piece of the bow and eat it?” Tamra demanded.

“Yeah, I did,” said Sarah with not an ounce of humility and with all the love in her heart.   And thus ensued what my dearest friend Skipper has deemed, Drunk Girl Reasoning:
1.       Because I wanted to  
2.       Get over it
3.       I only ate a part, a taste
4.       Honestly, I have a sugar problem
5.       Honestly, it's a bow
6.      Honestly I'll replace the bow
7.       Here's my fucking credit card, go get yourself a new cake
It’s 1/3 defensive, 1/3 accusatory, 1/3 solution-based.  Thank you for the help with the fractions Skipper.  Notice there has never been a Math BarbieTM.

And so I will leave you hanging right here, until next week when Part Two of the Finale airs.  We see if Heather tears Sarah apart or just kicks her the hell out of her house for “aating ha baw.”  We’ll find out who doesn’t know that Brooks bought Vicki the bear she’s wearing (spoiler alert: everyone knows), and if we can make it through the rest of the party without all hell breaking loose (spoiler alert: we can’t).
Thank you as always for reading my friends.  Until next week…

Friday, June 8, 2012

Jungle Fever: Cat Fights, Monkey Thieves, and Fear

Welcome to Paradise Hell everyone!  This is a place that looks serene and beautiful, until you carefully peel back the layers to find it’s really filled with your worst nightmares.  Shall we get started?
We left off last week in the middle of Bubbies’ “Intervention.”  Now you guys know I’m the expert on Interventions as I am an avid Intervention viewer (not because I have drug problems, Barbie doesn’t do anything that can affect her skin negatively) so I know that this would not have been approved by Candy Finnigan and Jeff VanVonderen.  Interventions are not supposed to be accusatory or make the person feel bad about themselves; so please ladies, don’t call something a rose when really it’s shit.  We’re smarter than that.  Intervention my plastic ass.

I luuuurved when Bubbies called out Tamra for carrying a Louis Vuitton through the jungle.  I thought all of their handbag/shoe/attire/jewelry choices were rather ballsy really.  Can we take a moment to reflect that Bubbies wore a fake seven carat diamond so as not to lose a real one should it be stolen?  It’s great that she thinks the culprit will walk up to her politely and ask for the ring in a civilized manner.  She’s clearly never heard of things like “kidnapping” or “ransom” or “cutting one’s hand off.”  Anywhoo, I get what they’re trying to say about Bubbies.  It’s like when she pulled up at the airport at 4:30am and asked the skycap why on Earth he would want to do this every day because it’s sooooo terrible, as if this is his dream job and he enjoys it thoroughly and wouldn’t rather be getting up at that time once in a blue moon to bask in the sun of an adventurous Costa Rican vacation.  She just says stuff that sucks sometimes, but I really think it’s because she’s not that bright, not because she’s trying to be mean. 
So anyway, Tamra’s yelling, “BE A TRUE PERSON!” and Vicki’s saying, “I probably have more money than you,” and Gretchen’s saying, “You’re my friend, but they’re right, you’re totally shallow,” and Heather’s like, “I have friends from all walks of life but they don’t talk about their walks, you know?” and basically the theme is that Bubbies is just terrible and then they go, “Ok now let’s hug!”  I’m sorry, come again?  What was that?  Bubbies understandably doesn’t feel like singing Kumbaya around the campfire with these women and leaves the table to be alone in her room.

Gretchen tries to go down and talk to Bubbies in her room, but Bubbies just won’t have it.  Gretchen didn’t “have her back” (what are we, the Bloods and the Crypts btw? Why do all the housewives insist upon using that phrase) and so Bubbies wants her to stuff her sorries in her Louis Vuitton sack.  Gretchen comes back to the table, defeated by Bubbies’ nonwillingness to listen to how she feels about what just went down in the infamous Costa Rica Dinner Party form Hell (It had to happen folks).  Vicki says, “I don’t have any problems with Bubbies, I think she’s a great girl.”  Sooooo, why didn’t you say something when she was at the table?  But then she says she’ll go down and try to comfort her.  Oh Gretchen doesn’t like this one bit.  She knows Bubbies is going to let Vicki in just to spite her.  And spite her she did, as Vicki barged in and began the healing process for herself -AHEM- I mean for Bubbies.  This is how Vicki’s little comfort sesh went:

“I know how you’re feeling, this happened to me, remember?  You did this to me a couple years back in San Francisco when you all ganged up on me and I felt totally attacked by all of you and I feel inferior, you know?  I don’t have the perfect body and I have acne on my face and I don’t have perfect fingernails but I have a good soul, you know?  I just have a hearty soul with sunshine in it and that makes me feel real good so I try to be happy every day but sometimes it’s just hard, but I get through it because I work! Woooohoooo!  What were we talking about again?”
What is funny is that when Gretchen went down to the room making it all about her feelings saying, “Do you know what this is doing to me?” Bubbies would have none of it, but when Vicki came in and gave a thirty minute monologue about how her feelings were affected Bubbies said to us, “Vicki did make it all about herself but she was just trying to make me feel better so it’s ok.”  Bubbies, do you know what a “double standard” is?  Didn’t think so.
Alright, enough of that.  The next morning Bubbies looks like she got socked in the face by the Cry Monster.  Poor Bubbies.  Heather comes in and tries to make nice, and they all head to the beach.  Bubbies makes sure to thank Vicki in the van in front of everyone for coming into her room to comfort her the night before, and none for Gretchen Weiners.
Everyone is playing nice because it’s daytime and huge fights can only break out at dinner parties.  They get to the beach where Bravo has provided a lovely amount of “champs” to get the ball rolling while the cameras are rolling.  I luurve Heather, and I luuuuuuurve champagne, but if I had to hear her say “champs” una mas tiempo…

The beach was beautiful.  I’ve actually been to Playa de Manuel Antonio in Costa Rica with Ken, and I can attest to its beauty.  It’s certainly enough to make you forget your troubles.  Unless you’re Bubbies.  There were little monkeys and raccoons that came to check out the housewives (you guys should know I have an irrational fear of both monkeys and raccoons) and it reminded me of last night’s dinner.  Bubbies takes Gretchen aside to talk about the night before.  Bubbies tells her how she felt Gretchen was making it all about her, Vicki barged in and she had no choice, and Heather is carrying a $1200 Chanel bag in the jungle (did you know? $25,000) so really, what sets Bubbies aside from the rest of the gang?  Gretchen’s like, “I love you and you’re my friend and I don’t want you to be hurt.  But sometimes you come off as snobby and pretentious.  Just sayin’.”  Bubbies asks her for specific examples, then doesn’t give her time to give them (good war tactic Bubbies, perhaps we’ve underestimated you) and then tells Gretchen that she can’t just make presumptions and accusations and modifications and allegations and salutations without hard evidence.  Good talk ladies.
A lesson in appropriate and inappropriate behavior, by Vicki Gunvalson:
“It is inappropriate to run around in your swimsuit on the beach.”
Thanks Vicki.

Bubbies left for her early flight so she could take care of her children and husband because she doesn’t have any nannies, in case you missed that.  After Bubbies left, a sense of peace fell over the group and they laughed and played and tickled each other.  Tamra and Gretchen sufficiently embarrassed Heather and Vicki by rubbing their butts on them and humping their faces.  The look on the monkey’s face said it all.
Next the plan was to plant trees in the rainforest.  There were different types, and each woman got to choose one.  Tamra chose  the “Stinking Toe” tree because Eddie’s feet are ugly.  I’m sure he appreciated her saying that on national television.  While planting the trees, Vicki goes into one of her emotional breakdowns that she’s become quite known for this season.  She realizes and points out that one day all of them will die.  She decides to plant a tree for Bubbies since they’re all going to die and everything.  While sobbing, she digs the hole and before she can place it in, Bubbies tree makes a flying leap off if itself and plunges to its death.  The irony of the whole thing is not lost on Heather, nor is it lost on me. 

Vicki thinks the whole tree planting thing is romantic and intertwines them with nature and heaven.  She puts her arms up like a tree (have any of you seen the movie Nell with Jody Foster?  Vicki does the “teees in da wiiiiiiiiin” move- it’s glorious) and talks of foreverness and friendship, and then they all walk away carrying their Chanel totes and their Louis Vuitton clutches, as the baby trees look on at them in horror.
The last adventure of the trip is white water rafting.  The ladies get a quick lesson in survival by a guide who is secretly hoping they all get dumped in the river where only the strongest survive, and learn that there are piranhas in the water that carry the same hope.  Reluctantly, they climb in the raft and are immediately swept out, and the adventure and the fear ensue. 

Let me tell you folks, between the piranhas and the screaming, I would choose death by tiny bites.  The women were howling as they flew down the rapids, wildly pumping their oars to no avail.  I luuuurved Heather, the Buddist Jew, who kept yelling “Jesus Christ!”
After surviving the river, the ladies park the raft and disembark.  Vicki is crying (AGAIN) saying that she’s done a lot of adventurous things, including sky diving, but this time she really thought they were all going to die.  Is Vicki menopausal?  Her crying fits are highly suspect.
Heather has to leave for her flight, and they all say their goodbyes.  Vicki tells Heather to fly safely, and to call her every day for the rest of her life, which was clearly the best line of the season thus far.  I’m going to start saying that to people. 
“This was fun!  We should do it again sometime!  Now call me every day for the rest of your life.”

Only three remain, and they are Gretchen, Tamra, and a highly emotional Vicki.  As they enjoy a cold beer, Vicki begins to talk about Donn.  She’s worried he’ll be sad without her, that he’ll miss her cooking that she never did, and that he won’t be able to move on even though whenever someone calls her out about how quickly she’s moved on she is quick to point out that Donn has also been dating.  Oh Vicki, Donn needs to find his own happiness which happens every time he opens a Corona, so not to worry.  Vicki sobs that she only has one life, and she’s happy.  For now.
Next week Vicki gets Brooks’ teef fixed because she’s not his sugar momma, Bubbies makes more news bubbles, Eddie takes Tamra to Bora Bora to propose supposedly, and Gretchen tells Slade off hardcore.  Until then my sweets, it’s good to be back!

Wednesday, June 6, 2012

Barbie's Back Betches!

First of all, I apologize for my cray hiatus.  I needed a break from these screeching bitches.  Second of all, so much to talk about.  I will post a structured blog on Friday about last night's episode.  But as a teaser, here are ten points of cray...
1.  Does Gretchen not have any closer friends Slade could have chosen to go shopping for engagement rings with?  Call me cray, but should he have called someone who has known her longer than a month?  Also, if you're going to give a girl a fake rock, don't discuss it on national television.  The word is bound to get out.
2.  Vicki's apology to Gretchen:  "I'm sorry.  You're supposed to say it now.  It was actually your fault so I just said it so you would say it so why aren't you saying it.  SAY IT!  SAY IT!  Ok that's it, I'm not sorry.  Here's your birthday gift, I hope you choke on it you apology grubbing skank."  Vicki, you are SUCH a good friend (Mean Girls reference, you're welcome).
3.  Bubbies' speech at her twins' birthday princess/puppy party. WTF. Only Bubbies would stand there in a gawddamn pink tutu and give a toast (at a four year olds birthday) about her almost dying while giving birth to them.  I've never given birth, as you all well know, so I don't know the placenta mumbo-jumbo she was talking about but holy Jim-God, she was using medical terms like she was guest-starring on Grey's Anatomy, and thanking doctors like she was accepting an Oscar.  The looks on those poor children's faces were priceless.  "Mommy, what's a vaginal tear?" CRAY.
4.  Bubbies letting four year olds hold a bunch of puppies and is telling their parents RIGHT IN FRONT OF THEM that they can take them all home.  Had I been a mom at that party I would have strangled her, probably right after my four year old child accidentally strangled one of those innocent puppies.
5.  Tamra's little rant to Bubbies while decked out in Lululemon was rich.  I mean, modest- let us not use the word rich in front of Tamra unless something is actually rich.  I get it folks, Tamra thinks Bubbies is a phony.  That's fine, she is in a lot of ways.  But let's be real.  Do you go up to every single person who rubs you the wrong way and list all the shit you hate about them?  I do, but that doesn't make it right!!  Just kidding, I don't do that.  I avoid them like any normal passive-aggressive person does and if I have to encounter them then I smile and nod to their face and immediately roll my eyes as far back in my head as I can as to make a statement to myself about how much they annoy the shit out of me. 
6.  Let's talk about Brooks for a minute.  Ok, wow.  How does that crow taste Vicki, is it sort of rotten?  Like the way you criticize EVERYONE else's man but no one can even tell yours he has something in his teeth without you freaking out?  The shit he says....I can't.  Like, what was he saying in Vegas?  That little antidote that NO ONE got about how when you love someone you shout it from the rooftops and whisper it in their ear at the same time or some shit?  I think it's his voice for me.  I like a manly man.  I know you guys think because Ken comes with a fabulous wardrobe and always wears a smile that he's a softy, but let me tell you something about Ken.  When he tells me to do something, I do it.  I do it because he doesn't sound like a kindergarten teacher trying to tell me how to color within the lines.  Reminds me of George from Of Mice and Men.  "I wanna pet the Vicki, and love the Vicki and squeeze the Vicki until she stops breathing."  Cray.
7.  Briana's elopement was a shock to us all, but to no one more than her mother.  Vicki seriously lost her shit when Briana told her that she and her military boyfriend Ryan had done a drive-through Vegas wedding without telling her first.  Here's why I love Vicki.  She says, "How could she take that away from me?  I'm the mother of the bride, she's taken everything away from me like the bridal shower and the engagement party and the day before brunch and the bachelorette party I was going to throw her and be the star of and why would she take this special time away from me, I mean this is my time, and she just took it for herself and it's supposed to be about me!"  Vicki, you've had two weddings and a fairly elaborate vow renewal ceremony, and I'm pretty sure there are more weddings in your future.  Take it down like nine notches.
8.  Bubbies in her newscasting lesson.  How great was that lady, remember her?  "Mayyybe don't wear a top that accentuates your nipples on morning television when criticizing the over-sexualization of children.  And don't say hi."  I luuuuurved how Bubbies could not be trained to not say hi.  Every clip she started, "Hi!"  I mean, Jim-God love her, I know she's trying but, "Hi!"  And then she gets all serious, "There's a fire at this house that I'm making hand gestures towards and there was a cat."  Bless her heart.
 9.  I luuuurve Terry Dubrow.  That is all.
10.  This Sarah person.  This mystery member.  Who is she?  She shows up in episode 1 and is like, "My fiancee and I are engaged but he doesn't know it yet," and then in episode 3 or 7 or 5 or something and gets plastered off expensive champagne while bowling and then thinks it's a good idea to verbally assault Vicki, and where is she now?  I don't know if you guys on a regular basis or not, but she's literally ALWAYS the first "housewife" to blog.  And her blogs goes like this, "Rainbows and puppies and kitties and sunshine and I like to wear my cowboy boots when I roll down hills."  It's cray.
That's all for now my friends.  Thank you for sticking with me, it's good to be back.