Tuesday, October 25, 2011

Treatments, not Truces

We’re back again friends to discuss the happenings, the going-ons of the blinged out broads of Beverly Hills.  I have a lot to say about this episode so let’s get started…
We open with Lisa strolling across the street to assist her neighbor Adrienne in Cooking 101.  Lisa is going to help Queen Maloof build a bird, yes that’s right folks, they’re going to get cray and cook a chicken.  Julia Childs would be so proud.  The best part of the entire scene was how Adrienne’s regular private chef Bernie was giving Lisa death stares from around the corner during the entire lesson.  Bernie HATES Lisa, and her little dog too.  The whole time he was thinking, “Why wouldn’t Adrienne want me to teach her how to cook a chicken??  I’m professionally trained in chicken cooking, I cook all of her chickens, and the British can’t even cook chicken!”  Oh Bernie, crawl back around the corner, it is not your moment…yet.

After we see Adrienne wash her chicken with soap and water and stand him up like a headless cartoon in the baking pan, it’s fair to say that she will probably stick with Mad-Dog Bernie as the family chef.  I think it’s a good idea since she mentioned several times she has contracted salmonella in the past from her own chicken.
Dana and Kyle meet at Taylor’s house for a play date with the kids.  Of course they’re contractually obligated to discuss the now infamous Game Night while their innocent children color on the table.  No, not on paper on the table, just on the table.  They don’t need paper in Beverly Hills, they just buy a new damn table. 
Kyle asks the ladies, “How do you come up with crystal meth?”  I’ll tell you Kyle.  Your sister was definitely hopped up on uppers of some sort.  Brandi seemingly has knowledge on uppers, and went straight to crystal meth.  This would not have been my strategy.  If I were Brandi it would have come out as, “Your sister’s snorted enough coke tonight to kill Charlie Sheen!!” or “Your sister’s consumed enough Adderall in there to choke a donkey!!” but only because I watch “Intervention” on A&E enough to know that if Kim was on meth she would have a better complexion.  I’m sorry, that was so mean.  I was going to say that if Kim was on meth she would be as paranoid as Lindsay Lohan during a court ordered drug test.  She would have thought the random unnecessary bartender was vice (he may have been) and the drivers in the limos outside were waiting to take her to the place with the white padded walls.  No no no.  Kim wasn’t methed out.  She was something’d out, but she wasn’t methed out.  But I’m going to say again that Kyle denying she’s ever even heard of meth is highly suspect.  And Kim was definitely on something so Brandi’s point, though slightly off-based, was at best valid and at worst arguable. 
Can we talk about Brandi saying “I will f***ing kill you?”  Yes Kyle, let’s talk about that.  If one word about my Chihuahua escaped your quippy little mouth that night I would have killed you.  Had you said, “Well at least my sister doesn’t pee on the grass like your little dog!” I would have flown across that hideous table and you’d be wearing all of those full glasses of bubbly.  So though I’m not taking sides here, you’re lucky you weren’t killed.  And I think that’s only due to the woman having only the one good leg.
Taylor, ever the surface diplomat/closet shit-stirrer, does give a perspective of Brandi not yet explored by Kyle.  The day she made that nasty comment to Dana about her fiancée having a woman in every city, the same day that she said the word COCK and didn’t shoot to kill when her four-year-old dropped trou’ at a kids pool party, was the SAME DAY her ex-husband was getting married to his side-piece.  Oh, and the same dude is giving her shit about her parenting lately so she’s a bit sensitive.  Kyle does acknowledge that maybe she could stand to give her a little slack.  We soon see if she does… (she doesn’t)…
Let’s change the pace a little.  Let’s take in a deep breath, let it all out, and do a little transcendental meditation shall we?  It’s Tuesday after all.  Let’s close our eyes and imagine that we live in Mohammad’s mansion.  Yes, close them and picture yourself walking through the hallways like you live at the Met.  Picture for a moment that your mansion has special secret mansion rooms with giant beds in them “just in case”.  Now picture for a moment that your girlfriend is a Victoria Secret model half your age (girls, you too) who wears evening gowns every day and follows you around in case your Cialis kicks in and you have a need for one of those secret beds.  Ah yes, welcome to Mohammad’s home, a modest 60,000 square foot cottage where dreams come true and the floors are actually made of gold.  Mohammad is going to throw a modest little engagement vanderparty for Lisa’s daughter Pandora (who I’ve heard from a reliable source is faking her British accent) with just a few amenities; camels, belly dancers, secret rooms, no biggie.  Ah yes, it will be an Arabian Nights theme, because isn’t that just the sexiest?  There’s nothing sexier than a camel, I’ll tell you that right now (it’s the spitting that does it for me).
Onto a much more modest setting:  The Maloof/Nassif mansion, where Adrienne is preparing to host a Spa Day Event for her lovely lovelies.  You guys, I would seriously give both of my plastic, perfectly sculpted legs to be at this party.  Here’s Bernie’s moment, back where he belongs, making tiny delectable treats dusted with edible gold powder (be still my heart) and other fancy finger foods.  Kyle wondered aloud where the edible diamonds are…they’re at Mohammad’s.  Adrienne spouted off that she has hired two “nestiticians,” three masseuses, and a stream of other help that can work a mean face-laser while knocking back the champs.
***Sidenote: I would literally kill someone to have a spray tan booth in my house so watch out Kyle, I told you it doesn’t take much.
The ladies enter one by one.  They change into robes and adorable wedge slippers for the day of rest and relaxation.  Four hours later, in bee-bops Kim, geetered as ever, never knowing what time any party ever starts.
“They must have given me the wrong time for the party…or else my Mickey Mouse watch stopped working back in 1988…or maybe it’s because coke always makes me lose my sense of time…or that mysterious power outage that keeps plaguing me…bouncy bouncy bouncy…”
Oh Kim.  Come down from Witch Mountain, it’s good down here.
Alrighty so Kim comes in and Kyle’s like, shit, because now she has to pay full-on attention to her cray-ass sister.  I do feel bad for Kyle in this regard.  You can tell she gets so nervous and frazzled when Kim comes in.  She clearly feels responsible for the jibberings and the willy nillies and gets embarrassed by her.  Kim takes a good look at all the amazing spa treatments that Adrienne is offering and says, “Let’s go bouncy on the trampoline!!” and so Kyle of course has to go with her to make sure she doesn’t bounce so hard that her heart bursts, having nothing to do with the ephedrine pumping through Kim’s visible blood veins of course.  Kyle’s a bit apprehensive as her bladder’s just not been the same since birthing Portia but at this point she will support her sister in all she does and says blindly because after last season’s limo fiasco, she’s got some major kiss-assing to do.   
Ok so Kim just luuuuuuuuuurves to bounce.  She describes her love for bouncing in her one-on-one interview where she’s wearing a wedding present.  The bow is trying to eat her and I’m scared.  I think Kim is making every effort to have a childhood in her late forties, bless her heart.  Wearing silly frillies and jumping and giggling and making no sense, and shaking and using the bathroom thirty times in two hours (if it ain’t drugs, it must be potty training).  Just being young, or trying her best anyway.
At some point, Brandi has arrived in an ADORABLE pink romper.  I want this romper folks.  Ok so Brandi decides to get some treatments done that require her to not mingle because she’d rather “break her other leg” than hang out with these women again.  While she’s hiding under the laser, Adrienne tries to convince her to apologize to Kyle and Kim.  Brandi says she’s not comfortable apologizing to Kim because she’s cray because she hardly knows her.  She says she’s pretty sure Kim doesn’t even know what went down, and she’s right.
Cut to Kyle doing the VERY SAME THING she did at Game Night.  She goes over to Kim who’s getting a nice, relaxing massage, and says, “Brandi’s here, did you see Brandi?  OMG Brandi’s here, did you see her??” and Kim’s like, “I don’t even want to acknowledge someone who I can’t remember why I don’t like or recall the precise day in which I ever even met them…but…I was defending you and she was mean!”  Ummm….I think it was actually Kyle who was defending Kim.  Yeah, pretty sure that’s what it was.  But that’s ok.
Kim rejects even the thought of hearing Brandi out but Kyle’s interested in what she has to say.  This works out because Brandi’s finally been convinced by the peanut gallery that now is a great time to hash this all out so she’s going to apologize to Kyle.
Here’s where I think this goes a bit downhill.  Brandi and Taylor are sitting outside together and Kyle saunters up, gifting them with her esteemed presence.  Taylor awkwardly asks if she would like to sit down or stand.  Kyle never even acknowledges Brandi, which is the point at which if I were Brandi I would have gotten up and crutched away.  Here come Adrienne, and Lisa and eventually at some point Camille and Pam.  The cast is standing square on their marks.
Brandi actually gives an apology that I could really get behind.  I know it sounds like I’m siding with Brandi, but you guys, seriously.  I’m actually an expert on apologies, as a communications major with a B.A. in communications (Communication BarbieTM) but it’s no big deal, no applause needed.  What was I talking about again? 
Oh yeah.  Brandi says, “Look, my trigger is my kids and yours is obviously your sister, and I’m sorry I completely lost it on you both.”  Ok, as apologies go, that one was actually pretty good.  She took responsibility for her actions as well as tried to show she understood Kyle’s perspective in relation to her sister.  Kyle could have responded with, “Well thank you, I appreciate that.”  BUT NO.  She instead opted to list the rules and regulations which will allow them to be cordial in the future (“Don’t ever talk about my sister again”) and defended her position in PottyGate (“I was attacking your parenting on an isolated incident NOT your parenting as a whole, gawwwd”) and then all the other women jumped in including Adrienne and Lisa who were not even there to say that Brandi should just suck it up and take it all in in front of all of them.  And while she’s at it, stop her damn fake belly-aching and put the crocodile tears back in her handbag.
I wanted to jump through the TV and protect Brandi Mufasa-style when he protects Simba from all the hyenas at the elephant graveyard.  Again you guys, I’m not siding with Brandi.  This is basic maternal instinct kicking in.  The woman was crying, she was surrounded, clearly defeated, only had one good leg.  Someone get Brandi the hell out of this Spa Day paradise!!
Meanwhile, back in Crazytown, Kim is mad at Kyle for even hearing Brandi out.  She thinks she was just protecting Kyle and Kyle is not being loyal.  What party were you at Kim?  I want to see Kim’s inside-head version of this story.  Needless to say, Kim and Brandi didn’t kiss and make up and gab about boys and movies in their PJs while munching on popcorn that evening.  Adrienne said goodbye to Brandi privately in her bedroom before Brandi hobbled out the door still in silent tears while the Witchard sisters whispered and Lisa noted in that famous British sarcastic tone that she hoped the door didn’t hit her on the way out.
Wow, I’m so pissed you guys.  This was supposed to be a relaxing evening of me living vicariously through these freakin’ chicks so that I could attend and enjoy what is sure to be the only in-home Spa Relaxation Paradise Massage Laser Botox Day party that I will ever get to attend.  But no.  Instead I’m sitting here having to feel sorry for Brandi, being icked out by Mohammad, and worrying about whether or not Kim’s wedding present blouse bow is going to eat her face!  This was not relaxing at all.
Next week we have Pandora’s Arabian Nights engagement party complete with dancers, snakes, camels, and their toes.  We also find out that Kim has a new drug dealer -I MEAN- boyfriend that we get to meet which as you know is totally cray.
I’m deciding whether or not to blog on Atlanta.  Let me know if you have opinions on the matter/watch Atlanta/think Phaedra is cray.  Until next week my pets…same time, same place.

Tuesday, October 18, 2011

Game Night Nightmares: The Second Installment

Greetings fellow housewives fans!  Look at me all on schedule!!  I know, so cray.  I can’t wait to get started so let us begin…
We return to the exact sun spot in time where we left off.  Brandi, Kyle and Kim are screaming like banshees, “You’re a Slut Pig!!” (I’m going to use that ALL the time now, know that) and “I will kill you!”  Really forty-something year old women who have children???  REALLY??  Brandi actually tried to call a “time-out” to which Kim responded by blubbering, “Oh so you’re our mom now?”  This reminds me of an argument I witnessed once on the playground when I was eight.  It was horrific.
So Kyle’s schooling Brandi on how to parent her four-year old because the whole Grass-Pee scandal was just too much for Kyle to take.  Brandi says she doesn’t think it’s even a bad thing and Kyle says, “I bet where you come from it isn’t.”  Oh no she di’n’t.  OK so at some point Brandi starts crying and I’m yelling, “Stop the madness!!” at my TV because as much as I thrive on watching other people’s drama, this was just too much.  I mean for Jim-God’s sake, the woman’s crying now and she’s on crutches.  Shouldn’t we all calm down??  Kim Richards says NO!  Brandi, in all her defensive glory, throws caution to the wind and says, “Well your sister’s been doing crystal meth in the bathroom all night!!!”  The hair extensions just officially hit the fan folks.
As if a strong gust of wind blasted them up and out of their seats, the Richards sisters were on their feet pointing, howling, screeching like hyenas.  Brandi stands up to them, one-footed, and tells them to “bring it”.  And they do.  Kim tells Brandi she’s a “goddamn bitch” and gets all up in her shiznatch, pointing her shaky little finger right in Brandi’s shaking little face.  Taylor jumps up and gets in between them (as if she could stop either one of those women, yeah right) and yells her signature “Enough!” but not before Brandi slaps Kim’s finger right out of her face, like whoa.  Brandi, if you actually think the woman’s on meth, do you really want to go up against her in a brawl with one foot?  The fact that she even stood up makes me more afraid of Brandi than any of them.
Once Taylor breaks it up kind of, Dana FINALLY gets up and says to Brandi, “I’m sorry you had a bad night.”  WHAT DANA?  I’m sorry, WHO?  WHERE?  No seriously, where in the holy realms of housewife hell were you this whole time?? 
“I’m sorry I threw the worst party in the history of party-throwing and then didn’t mediate when you grown women starting verbally punching each other in the faces and then actually made it worse by making snide little remarks while burying my face like a toddler in my friend who weights all of thirty-five pounds and is super emotionally unstable.”
Thanks Dana, you really are such a gem.  She actually says these words to Kyle (get your barf-bag ready): “Let’s go.  Let’s go on this journey, we’re together forever.”  Kyle’s like, “And this is the one I chose to like?  Yikes.”
Alright, so not really much closure at the end of this scene.  The ladies all disperse and leave and we’re all left with shocked looks on our faces and the phrase “Slut Pig” running through our minds.  What is a “Slut Pig”?  A pig that whores herself around in the mud like the hoe that she is I suppose.  Brandi strikes me more as a slut rabbit or a slut mongoose.  She’s a resourceful and stealthy slut with a dirty little mouth on her.
Alright, let’s get out of Dana’s house for the love of Jim-God.  Over at the Vandermansion (prounouced Van-der-man-seeon) Adrienne, Lisa and Kyle convene to discuss the night’s tramatic events.  As expected, Kyle’s version was just a tad bias and Adrienne was diplomatic.  Lisa of course sided with Kyle and Adrienne pondered whether or not Kyle may be in denial about some things.  Adrienne is always the voice of reason, an interesting dichotomy because her clothing choices rarely make any sense.  Adrienne, blondes should never wear fluorescent green.  It makes us look fluorescent green.
Taylor and Brandi meet for lunch at some Joe Schmo café.  Alrighty Andy Cohen my dearest, we tune in to Beverly Hills to see the glitz, the glam, the sparkle.  Not a bunch of harpies throwing swings and a freakin’ lunch date at Max’s Diner!  But I digress…
Taylor and Brandi talk about stuff I can’t remember and don’t solve anything.  I remember Taylor complimented Brandi’s hair and Brandi responded, “Thanks, it’s called dirty.”  Brandi, that’s my line you line-stealing Slut Pig.  Taylor says, “Maybe you should speak to Kyle,” cause Kyle is so level-headed and easy-going.  Brandi says that she may just be over it, but you know she is not.  We’ll see how this one plays out.
The Richards witches -I MEAN- sisters go on a little family vacay with their murder of daughters (like murder of crows, get it?).  Kim tries to explain to Kyle how she mistook air freshener as breath freshener and has been spritzing it in her mouth before, after and during meals, morning, noon and night.  WE KNOW WHAT KIM IS ON NOW YOU GUYS!!!!!!  Holy Slut Pig.  You have GOT to be kidding me!!!  This whole time Kim’s drug-o-choice has been available in any supermarket chain and none of us knew!  The random ramblings, the sliding liquid liner, the stumbling through darkness of made-up power outages:  ALL due to spraying chemicals in her mouth from a bottle that clearly states on the back that once ingested one should contact poison control immediately.  Just the other day, Kim was “working” in her office (looking at old kids photos and crying) and used some of that “breath freshener” which can also be used to clean dust off the keyboard.  And right before the trip to Sacramento with the Maloof/Nassifs she thought her breath smelled stanky so she just sprayed a little 409 in there to clean in right up!  By sprayed I mean drank.  Ahhh, mystery solved.  It wasn’t crystal meth, it was lemon pledge.  I can now sleep soundly at night.
Kim and Kyle, Kyle and Kim.  They visit their mother’s former home in Palm Desert, and, ANOTHER REVELATION!  You guys remember the infamous limo attack on last season’s finale where Kyle called Kim a “liar and an alcoholic” (only she can say it folks, nobody else) and Kim called her, I don’t know, a Slut Pig or something.  And then Kim yelled, “YOU STOLE MY GODDAMN HOUSE!”  and we were all like Whaaaaaa?  Ok here’s the skinny.  Momma Richards left her Palm Desert home to all the sisters and Kyle bought the other two out for a price that seems, at least to Kim, unreasonable.  Here’s where I think this got hairy:  Kyle bought Kim out for a ridiculously low price ($20,000, didja know?) when Kim was down on her luck and needed the cash for household cleaning products/her chase of the dragon.  Then when Kim got on her feet again (sort of, not really) she was like “Waiiiiit a tick, my share was 1/3 and Kyle paid me like 1/8 so that’s not right….” And so here we are.  In the desert.  Deserted with the two witches that escaped the mountain.
Meanwhile, back at the Vandermansion (prounouced Van-der-man-see-on) Lisa and Pandora met with… something.  It looks like if a man and a rhino beetle had sex, and the result of their union mated with an Avatar from the James Cameron blockbuster.  His name was Franc, or France, or Francois, or maybe none of those.  Who gives a Vanderpump?  Anyway, this creature has chosen “wedding planner” as his Earthly career.  Apparently he’s all the rage.  Lisa, Pandora, and Creature take a walk around the Vandergrounds.  There are like, I don’t know, fifty places to hold a 150 person wedding in the backyard, but Lisa would prefer that her little angel get married in a church in front Jim-God and Camille-Jebus because that’s just what angels do.  Ohhhh unless they’re living with they’re soon-to-be betrothed in sin.  I guess garden wedding it is! 
The creature was unhappy with Pandora’s request to have pink hearts and bows and rhinestones on her wedding dress and décor (as was I, and I’m Barbie for crying out loud) and Lisa was equally unhappy at the notion that this wedding should have a one million dollar budget.  You guys, a ONE MILLION DOLLAR BUDGET.  For one day.  And it’s at their OWN FUCKING HOUSE.  Cray.
Kim and Kyle again.  Ugh.  Someone pass me a bottle of Febreeze so I can get through this.  Ok they go out to lunch.  Kim wants to move AGAIN.  AGAIN, she wants to move to a place that makes no sense for her and AGAIN Kyle tries to tell her she’s wrong.  According to Kim, Kyle has this problem where she thinks she’s always right.  Kim has this problem where she thinks she’s always in a video game tripping on mushrooms.  So anywhoo, they go back and forth, and Bravo reminds us again that –Oop!- sometimes sisters don’t get along but they will bash your skull in with your crutch if you try to go against them.
That’s it folks!  Another week down.  Next week looks juicy as Adrienne hosts a relaxing spa day that seems to turn into anything but!  I love a little jujutsu with my Juvederm, a little raging with my Restylane, and little boxing with my Botox.  Until next week friends…

UPDATE!  I forgot to talk about Camille's charity event.  Mostly it was boring in that 'actual' classy, lovely event where nothing goes wrong kind of way, but I must say one thing.  Dana.  Dana, Dana, Dana.  She buys a hideous fur coat with the most tacky rhinestone accents and then (of course!) brags about it to everyone.  THEN tells the world how it's real fur.  I wear real fur, but I don't tell people when it's real because people will throw shit at you.  And did you hear?  $25,000.

Thursday, October 13, 2011

Let the Games Begin, I Mean End!

Welcome back friends.  Sorry I’m a few days late and $25,000 short, I had to watch this episode twice in order to get everything.  I even hosted my friend Skipper to watch with me last night so we could be sure to catch every ounce of bitch.  I think we got it all, so let us begin…
We open this episode with Lisa preparing dinner for Jason’s parents.  How cute is Lisa with her hair up and her little apron?  I love that she was double dipping in that potato salad with all the love in her British heart on national television.  Also, carrying a dog around other people’s food who unfortunately suffers from alopecia is maybe not the best idea Ken.
Dana comes over to Taylor’s house to help bake cookies that will not be eaten by Taylor.  Dana’s apron cost $4,500, did you know?  Apparently Taylor was planning a Game Night at her house but after her nervous breakdown on the mountain she’s wary of playing hostess, so she asks Dana if she would host instead.  Dana’s excited about this, I mean she’s a party planner for crying out loud so of course she is. 
Adrienne and Kyle meet up to eat tomato caprese for dinner.  Somewhere in Beverly Hills there is a “celebrity trainer” or “trainer to the stars” if you will, who is telling everyone to only eat tomato caprese salads for dinner.  All the housewives order this when they go out to dinner.  All of you can afford an entrée, I promise you.  Did you all notice that monster around Adrienne’s neck that was trying to eat her?  It was the pink lovechild of a scarf and a necklace.  A barf-lace I believe they are called.  I love Adrienne, I do, but she and I do not have the same taste in fashion. 
Adrienne asks Kyle what she thought of Brandi and Kyle being the delicate flower that she is, basically admitted she wasn’t her cup of tea.  It’s her word usage she is offended by (Kyle, I used to think we could be friends, but after this revelation it’s clear we cannot) and the way she just lets her son “whip out his penis” at parties.  I think it has more to do with the fact that she wears a size zero and has 3 mile long legs, but who am I?  Adrienne agrees that Brandi speaks before she thinks, but is that not what “real” is?  See this is where I feel these women are just swimming in a vat of hypocrisy.  In addition to the annoying increase of the word “Classy” being thrown around (by the way, if you say the phrase “I’m a classy bitch” you are not classy) I don’t know if I quite understand the desire for everyone to “be real”.  Is anyone else with me on this?  These women all claim that they’re “real”.  What does that even mean?  I am not in favor of just saying whatever comes to your mind.  It’s rude.  I don’t see how that makes you “real”.  I do see where Brandi is “real” because she is who she is and seems to own it.  But if they all value being “real” then what is the problem with Brandi again???
Adrienne and Brandi meet up for a cappuccino and a milkshake.  Why hasn’t anyone invited me out for a cappuccino and a milkshake??  This is a brilliant date!   OK so the ladies need to discuss the infamous fancy BBQ and discuss it they did.  Adrienne thinks the girls need to see a more fun side of Brandi, and what better way than Game Night!  That sounds fun right?...
Ok this is where it gets good.
It’s game time folks.  Kyle ring-a-dings the bell and up walks Dana two hours later to answer her call.  “Sorry, I know that took like two hours hee hee ha ha,” chirps Dana.  Next to arrive (nicely planned Bravo producers) is Brandi with her crutches and the infamous left wedge.  She compliments Dana's outfit to which Dana replies, “Oh did you know? Valentino.  He was just here.  Sometimes he comes over just to try on my sunglasses which, did you hear?  $25,000.”  When Brandi clarified that Dana was talking about her stylist (didn’t she say she didn’t have a stylist and wanted Kyle to dress her??) not Valentino, Brandi said, “Oh ok, ‘cause I was going to say, I thought he died.”  He is not dead.  But if he heard Dana bragging about wearing his clothes, he’d wish he was.
Never one to disappoint, Dana escorts Brandi into the awkward waiting room mentioning nonchalantly she just has tons of trouble walking in her Fendis.  Is that a problem that plagues all of my ladies out there as well?  I know I just have tons of trouble with my Fendis.  How ‘new money’ is this chick?!?  First of all, why is your house so barren and spattered with random smatterings (I must attribute that line to Skipper who made me spit out my dirty martini with her witty use of the word “smatterings”).  Secondly, when someone compliments one’s clothing or shoes, who points to the item and announces the price??  This woman needs a serious lesson in etiquette.  More on that later…
For an event coordinator, Dana threw the worst party ever.  I know everyone in Beverly Hills is fashionably late, but at the point at which you are waiting two hours (Dana said on her blog that Kim was two hours late) you don’t wait to start the party.  Also, how about a little music, I don’t know.  I mean, isn’t that what humans like at parties?  Also, the way the chairs were placed was so awkward.  And then there was the fact that Brandi and Kyle just sat there mad-dogging each other without any convo so that made it awkward times a million.  Dana hired a bartender for a seven person party so that dude was all awkward because he had nothing to do all night.  The desserts were random and the “décor” left something to be desired.  I mean, how does this woman throw parties in her professional life??
Ok, so Camille comes in and both Kyle and I have never been so excited to see her.  Ahh Camille, you are a breath of fresh air in an otherwise smoggy cloud of filth.  Camille comes in, looks around the barren house with random smatterings (thanks again Skip), looks at the ladies who all have their own miserable corners and are not speaking, and says to the audience, “Ok so what is going on here?”  EXACTLY Camille.  What IS going on here?? 
Next Taylor rings the bell.  Taylor keeps wearing these figureless dresses so we can’t see how emaciated the poor woman is, but we can still tell.  So she comes in all, “What’s going on? La lalala,” and it’s STILL awkward.  Dana is in the midst of crawling into a secure crevasse in Camille’s…What?  Kim’s here??  KIM’S HERE YOU GUYS!!!!
Dana answers the door, “You must be Kim!” to which Kim replies, “Pam.  Dana?”  Oh, this is going to be good.  Kim looks like she's about three sheets to the oxycodone.  She’s not quite dressed, has make-up running down her face, and is desperately grasping a random iced coffee drink.  Caffeine is not good for anxiety, who is Kim’s doctor for Camille-Christ’s sake?  She is just beyond a hot mess at this point.  She’s a burning disaster.  She’s a torched clutter jumble. 

Kim is introduced to Brandi.  Kim compliments Brandi’s shorts, “Those are cute, I almost wore shorts, but aren’t you cold?”  Brandi replies, “No, not yet, but you never know.”  That’s true, you do not ever know.
Kim immediately excuses herself to the restroom and Kyle scuttles after her to assist her with her hair/make-up/clothing/motor skills.  Meanwhile, Dana has continued in her quest to be invited to Camille’s vacation home in Hawaii.

Dana: “No seriously, if you ever want to go there but not with family or friends you should call me.  Like if you ever want to take a complete stranger and put her up in your house in Hawaii for free, like I’m super down with that.  No really.  Did you know?  $25,000.”
Camille:  “Heh heh, yeeeeah….”        *insert creeped out face
After Kyle wipes the eyeliner tears and listless dreams off of Kim’s face, they enter the party.  Oh excuse me, after Kim loudly insults Dana by proclaiming that her house is filthy and tries to wipe the dust off of an antique mirror (seriously though, no one lives in this house) THEN Kyle wipes off the eyeliner tears and listless dreams and they join the party, if you can even call it that.
We find out that Adrienne can’t come.  She’d rather pull her toe nails out one by one using a rusted pair of tweezers, so sorry, she can’t make it.  Brandi’s like, “Ohhhh shiiiiit,” because she is now clearly outnumbered.
In the bathroom we learned that Kim is suffering from severe anxiety and is coming off of a seven day binge –I MEAN- anxiety attack during which she has not eaten or slept.  IN SEVEN DAYS!  She’s had only random iced coffee drinks as sustenance at this point.  No wonder she cray cray.  If I don’t eat for like three hours I will rip your damn head off for your chicken nuggets.  It’s a totally accurate comparison as I also suffer from anxiety so we’re pretty much the same person, Kim and I.  Well, minus the meth.
Alrighty so FINALLY they enter the Game Room which is just another baron room, minus the random smatterings, with some cray couch-lounge chairs and a tray on the coffee table holding about ten untouched champagne glasses full of champagne.  They start with the game “Celebrity”.  We all know how to play so I won’t explain it.  The teams were as follows:  Kyle, Kim, and Brandi vs Camille, Taylor, and Dana.  These teams were supposedly picked randomly but we all know Andy Cohen rigged it, that sneaky little devil.  Dana, the world’s worst hostess, made it so that the sisters were together which makes no sense given that Kim was making bathroom trips to touch up her liquid eyeliner (???) every five to ten minutes, and had they been separated the whole night wouldn’t have to stop every time Kim excused herself.  Oh no wait, it still would because Kyle had to go with her every time.  My question is, Kyle: If you don’t think your sissy is doing something naughty in the bathroom then why do you run after her every time she goes?
Kyle gets up and starts describing her celebrities in sister code with descriptions no one would understand but her and Kim. 
“He was my ex-boyfriend!  We went to this person’s party two days ago!  I gave this guy crabs!”
Brandi was like, “OOhhhhhhhhh how did I not get that?!?!”  Brandi, I know you’re pissed off but you catch more flies with honey.
BEST THING EVER:  Brandi goes next and describes a famous person who is “a black man but not Martin Luther King.”  As I scream at my television, “Bill Cosby!  Malcolm X!  Obama!” she gives the next clue.  “The place where you go to worship is part of his last name!”  Huh?  As you can imagine, no one guessed Winston Churchill, the obvious answer, duh.  I mean, famous black guy, c’mon people, know your history.  I kept guessing other famous black people, “Abraham Lincoln!  Adolf Hitler!” but to no avail.  Everyone sighed and guffawed like 7th grade nilly willies because Brandi is sooooo stuuuupid and they giggled and whispered and it was terrible.
Next up we have Camille.  Have I mentioned I love Camille this season?  Kim needs to visit Camille’s doctor, he’s got the good stuff.  His stuff is so good that it makes Camille really bad at this game.  She’s so chill, there’s no sense of urgency.
“She’s a woman with cheek bones, very classy.  She was in movies, dressed amazing.  She had hair that was brown and brown eyes as well.  She has skin and hands…”
It was Sophia Loren which somehow someone guessed which makes me think that they could have gotten Churchill even if Brandi did mistakenly think he was the guy in “Different Strokes”:  “Whatchu talkin’ bout Winston?”  It was Willis, Brandi.  It was Willis.
The ladies played their games whilst they played their games.  Kim mentioned, in between bathroom “anxiety attacks” that she didn’t like Brandi and didn’t want her on her team.  To this, Kyle threw her head back and cackled as though that (did you know?) $46,000 coffee table was a bona fide cauldron.  Brandi was sitting about 4-5 feet from them and could hear every word.  This isn’t cool you guys.  We’ve all been there.  Everybody knows everybody but you, you got picked last in dodge ball, whatever the case it’s not fun.  It was especially cruel because it was such an intimate setting.  Also, these are grown women.  I’m not saying Brandi is the friendliest, but sweet Camille Jebus.  Speaking of Sweet Camille Jebus, this woman was so calm throughout.  While Kim made one of her bathroom fix –I MEAN- trips, Brandi asked Camille what in Jim-God’s green Earth Kim was on.  Camille whispered something about “none of my business” and tried to dodge the subject altogether.  Brandi, if you think someone is hopped up on drugs, do you really want to confront them?  And with one non-working foot?  The answer my friends, is yes.
DUN DUN DUNNNNNN.  Dana (or Pam if you’re someone whose ass she’s trying to kiss) announces they’re moving onto the IQ Test Game.  Kyle gets up and in all her cray-bitch glory points her finger at Brandi with a smirk and shouts, “YOU FIRST.”  Now we know what makes Brandi snap. 
“Good, bring it bitch.”
Ok here’s the thing folks.  Unless you’re looking for a fight, when a fellow lady says, in a Game Night setting, “Bring it bitch,” most of us are going to quote our most favorite gets-naked-in-every-movie actress Jamie Pressley’s mockery of the movie “Bring it On” and respond with, “Oh, it’s already been br-ough-ton” but not Kyle, no not Kyle.  Instead she comes back with, “Are you calling me a bitch??” and then Brandi literally says, “Yes, you’re a bitch.”
Whooooa this just got cray!  So then Kim jumps in all cracked out and is like, “Well you’re a slut and those shorts that I complimented earlier are slutty!  And you sleep with a lot of guys!!  And you’re a goddamn whore!!”  Holy.$25,000.Shit.
This is when all hell breaks loose folks.  Kyle starts in about the four-year-old peeing again (Was Kyle peed on by a four-year old as a youth and permanently traumatized??) and Brandi’s like, “Don’t talk about my babies!!” and then Kyle’s like, “YOU’RE the parent!!” and then Brandi says, “Your sister is wasted out of her fucking mind!!” and then both Richards sisters stand up simultaneously and point their wrinkly fingers and yell, “YOU BETTER NOT GO THERE!!  YOU SHUT YOUR F**KING MOUTH YOU DIRTY MOUTHED SLUT B***H!!!”  Holy hell, are we watching New Jersey??  Are we watching Atlanta??  I know this isn’t Beverly Hills!!
But it is.  It is.  And meanwhile Kim had hidden Brandi’s crutches so whatever happens next, Brandi is immobile for it.  We have to wait until next week to see how this thing shakes out.  I don’t know what’s going to happen, I don’t know if they all survive.  I think this could have all been avoided had Dana just served food.  OH YEAH, let us discuss Dana/Pam AGAIN.  She was the absolute WORST because she as the hostess could have defused the situation or at least attempted to, but instead she jumped on the Mean Wagon like a fourth grader on Ritalin and was all, “Kyle I don’t like herrrrrrr. Make her stoppppppp,” and “Don’t call me Pam!” and other asinine throw-ins.  Dana, this is all your fault.  You and your sunglasses.  You’re making everyone crazy.
Another thing happened in this episode but it was just so painfully boring compared to all of this I am going to dedicate no more than two sentences to it:
1.        Lisa’s daughter Pandora gets engaged to long-time boyfriend Jason.
2.       I think Jason might be gay, can’t put my finger on why, just a feeling.
Next week is going to be AMAZEballs.  I can’t wait to see Adrienne’s reaction to all of this.  Do the Richards sisters break Brandi’s other foot and then turn her into a toad forevermore?  Does Brandi actually kill Kim like she threatens in the previews?  Does someone knock Dana off of her Fendis once and for all?? 
Until next week my sweets…

Tuesday, October 4, 2011

“Two Boobs and A Tiara: The Story of my Life”

Welcome back RHBH fans!  Last night’s episode was tons of frivolous fun.  Let’s get started, shall we?
Dana Wilkey is our newest addition to the Beverly Hills gang and boy oh boy did she make an entrance, huh?  As Kyle said, when she opened the door two boobs and a tiara greeted us.  And to that I said, All hail the queen.  Who would have guessed that that was a possible wedding dress choice?  To each her own I always say, but I believe it’s safe to assume they are not tying the knot in a church.  Taylor and Kyle were definitely not prepared for what greeted them at the door.  Dana is a little bubble of energy, which I find all successful event coordinators must be, and she flitted from one end of the house to the other spouting off little heres and theres: “I’m just finishing up trying on wedding clothes!” “This is my house, do you love it?”  “This is just one option!” “My son knows Thai!”  “Squirrel!”  Slow.down.Bubbies.
Ok so once they finally sit down to eat, Dana explains her little hints of chatter.  Her son, who is an eighteen month old model (he’s just about past his prime, just sayin’) can read, speak Thai, study the encyclopedia, argue gay marriage, knit a mean scarf, and give financial advice.  It’s cray.  Kyle is of course trying to gage whether or not she should be totally “jeally” (her word not mine) by assessing the situation in her head.  “Well, her kid is clearly more talented than mind but I do have that hot husband, and I have much better style than her so…”  A dilemma Kyle.  One which will not be so hard on your mind with our friend Brandi.  More on that later…
What Dana clearly lacks in a sense of fashion, she makes up for in her obvious lack of worry about what anyone thinks.  I like this about her.  She seems nice, sweet even maybe, but unrefined.  When the chef serves lunch she says, “This is a…umm…what is this?” about a piece of salmon.  When her lunch guests arrive, she’s still trying on dresses and jewelry with an entourage and rather than make her guests feel welcome, waits until they say they’ll go somewhere to wait for her before they wonder aimlessly through her foyer.  See?  Unrefined.  But as always, I’m not judging but merely observing.
Cut straight to Adrienne and Paul doing what they do best.  Adrienne’s making calls to all the girls to invite them to a fancy BBQ at the Maloof Mansion and Paul’s annoying the shit out of her.  Poor Paul.  He’s not really allowed to talk.  He’s cool with it.  Adrienne’s dog gets to sit on her lap in the giant leather chair that graces the marble mahogany 14 carat gold desk in their office or whatever, and Paul’s dog can’t even be let in the house, why you ask?  Because Jackpot, after going what I fondly refer to with my pup as “big potty” in Paul’s closet (if he did this in Adrienne’s closet, he would be a handbag by now) will annoy the hell out of Paul’s dog so he can’t come inside.  Oop!  And here he is.  When the German Sheppard enters the home it’s chaos and disaster to where –GASP- Adrienne cannot even leave a decent message for Taylor about the BBQ.  It’s so hard. 
“Taylor, BBQ. Come. Dogs biting, leg hump.  Call, no. Yes, do.  It’s Adrienne.”
The woman assists in running several multi-million dollar companies and she can’t multi-task a phone call and two dogs.  Cray.
It seems to yours truly that they’re really playing up the whole “bickering couple” angle on the Nassif-Maloof’s storyline.  I know they got a lot of feedback last season about how relatable Adrienne and Paul were with their constant back and forth, and I think it got to Andy Cohen’s perfectly coiffed head.  Andy, darling, we’re not trying to watch “The Honeymooners” here, why don’t you scale it back a notch or two.  You might as well have Adrienne in an apron with Paul shouting “One of these days Alice, (fist shake, fist shake) straight to the moon!” 
Moving on, we have Taylor meeting Brandi for a drink in a murky bar at like two-o-clock in the afternoon.  You guys, it is painfully awkward to have Brandi hobbling through these episodes.  Crutches are so not fabulous.  Let’s face it, when she broke her ankle rolling off her damn stiletto or whatever she should have been recast with someone who can walk.  But I digress…
So Brandi’s sitting (obvi) and Taylor walks in.  I think it was really nice for Brandi to invite Taylor out to drinks.  She was really the only one remotely kind to her at the charity event so I can see how she would be the lucky winner of this gimpy date.  Soon after they order their white wine, they delve into talk of marriage, divorce, counseling, and consequences.  No one knows about a failed marriage like Brandi Glanville.  This poor woman’s husband was cheating on her the ENTIRE time they were married??  At least his Playboy show that he and Skinny McHasBeen moved to Chicago for got cancelled, at least there’s that.  Karma’s a bitch, eh pretty boy? 
Brandi may be projecting a tad (though who could blame her, and in her defense she ended up being right in this case) when she says that marriage counseling often ends in divorce.  Well, yes, when your husband has cheated on you throughout, I highly doubt counseling is going to make a huge dent.  I think though that she could just tell by the way Taylor talked about it that things weren’t looking good.  It’s nice that Brandi wants to bond with Camille and Taylor over their failed and almost-failed marriages.  We women should stick together, isn’t that what this show is about?  Well, partly what it’s about anyway, the other part is coming.
Ahhh we interrupt this program to show you a clip of a crazy lady talking to her housekeeper who is closing her eyes and wishing herself someplace else.  Why is Kim showing her housekeeper (I assume that was her housekeeper) pictures of her kids when they were little?  Kim, strangers do not care to hear stories of when your kids were but wee, nor see pictures of them to accompany those stories.  You guys, I cannot wait to find out what Kim is on, seriously.  Like, WHAT IS SHE ON?  Does she get it from Mexico brought in by donkey back through the desert of San Diego/El Cajon area straight up through the hills of Hollywood?  Has she been on it long?  Does she simply order it off the internet??  I think we get some insight on this next week, and I for one cannot wait.  I may just go to sleep Rip Van Winkle style and not wake up until next Monday.  But to do so I would need some of whatever Kim is on….a catch 22, dammit!
Ken, Lisa, Mauricio and Kyle have a nice dinner at either Sur or the other one.  I’m assuming it was one of their restaurants at least given the flippant response Lisa gave to Giggy peeing in the booth.  Kyle goes bitch-status (her role this season apparently) on Dana saying the lunch at her house was “awkward” and making fun of how she spoke of her child prodigy.  Who am I kidding, I would have done the same.  But who says their eighteen month old speaks Thai??  What was his name again?  It’s probably something all “rich people” like Braydon or Ethan Allen or Lutz or something but I wish it was Jack.  I wish it was Jack so that she could say, “Oh Jack talk Thai.  Jack talk Thai reeeal good.” (Meet the Parents reference, who’s with me?)
Anyway, Mmmmmauricio is at this dinner so heyyyyy.  Oh sorry, lost my train of thought.  Oh yeah, Kyle goes, “Why you gotta be mean to Taylor?  She fragile!” to Lisa and Lisa’s all, “I’m not, I simply said I’m not ‘masquerading’ as her friend,” but Kyle thinks that’s real mean girl of her.  Whatever, this is lame.  I get what Lisa’s saying, she just doesn’t want to be fake.  You know those people in your life who you know could really give a running fuck about you but when something bad happens to you they act like they’re your best friend when really all they want is for you to trust them and tell them everything so they can go talk shit about you to other people making them feel less insecure about themselves??  Oh you don’t?  Nevermind.
Lisa, as far as I’m concerned, is in the right here.  I feel like Kyle takes it upon herself to insert into drama where she can and that’s what is happening here.  At the dinner party, she could have defused the situation by saying something to the effect of, “Ken, Taylor’s very sensitive right now just to give you a heads up.”  I don’t know, aren’t they friends?  Can’t she say something helpful instead of fueling the fire?  Oh heyyyyyy Mmmmmmmmmmauricio…sorry what?  What was I saying?  Moving on…
Oh the fancy BBQ.  The wear-your-25K-sunglasses-cause-it’s-that-fancy-BBQ.  You know how I know Brandi was right about Dana’s fiancée slippin’ around on her in every city?  Because he doesn’t want to be on camera and he bought her $25,000 sunglasses.
My favorite line of the episode came from the 7 foot tall gimp, B-Money.  I’ll paraphrase but still put it in quotes so as not to confuse:
“Camille’s break-up was the A List version of my D List break-up.”
I appreciate self-awareness folks.
I also like, and this is behind-the-scenes info so pay attention PUH-lease, that in Brandi’s blog she calls out Kyle for saying that she’s only famous for having a husband who left her for LeAnn Rimes to which Brandi responds by wondering aloud if that’s better or worse than being famous for having a much more famous niece and a sister who did a couple movies twenty-something years ago.  I may be starting to like this Brandi character.
Let me for a minute address why I love Adrienne.  Did you see how huffy she got when she saw the champagne glasses the “bartender” chose to serve at a BBQ?  She was so pissed.  Where did this bartender come from?  He was so painfully stupid.  Who chooses that glassware for a BBQ?  It was probably like $25,000 per gold plated champagne glass that he chose for outdoor dining, which brings us to…
Anyone who spends $25,000 on sunglasses, this is addressed to you.  Whatever you decide to spend your money on is none of my damn business.  I once forked out $80,000 for a pink convertible, who the hell does that?  Everyone thought I worked for Mary Kay, it was awful.  Ok but here’s the thing.  When you do spend a horrifically insane amount of money on something so material, so trivial, you do not say you did on national television.  You especially do not say it like six or seven times.  Had I just seen those sunglasses on her I would have been like, “Wow, those are fabulous.”  Well, scratch that.  Did you see what Dana was wearing with her 25K eyewear?  She was wearing hot green shorts and a black v-neck, both of which she got for $5.95 at Target.  So actually, the sunglasses she paid enough money for to feed several cities worth of starving children (Hi Dana, you pay only $400 for a silent auction prize for kids with cancer but are ok with wearing 25K sunglasses and telling the whole world??) looked fabulous on Camille when she tried them on.  On Dana they slightly resembled lipstick on a pig…oink vey.
Our darling Lisa has been offered a spot as a CNN correspondent for the royal wedding!  I don’t really get it, I have no understanding of why the royal wedding was as big of a deal as it was, and I was bored through this segment wanting to get to what the previews showed which was Brandi saying “cock” at the BBQ so all I’m going to say about this segment is Lisa looked and sounded great as usual.  I bet she was happy to not have been at that BBQ table…
Where’s Kim?  Wherever is Kim?  Could her power have gone out in the whole neighborhood again yet she can mysteriously still use her neighbor’s power outlet to give herself a professional blow out?  Do you need light in the middle of the day to see your closet?  You do if you’re seven Special K and a bottle of whiskey in.  Well, as usual, Kim’s a no-show at the fancy BBQ.  She doesn’t have any kids –WHAT?- I mean she couldn’t find her blouse –WHO?-  I mean she couldn’t get a ride –WHERE?- ok ok she’s plastered.  Can’t come, don’t ask.  Don’t worry, she’ll call the hostess to let her know as soon as she can remember who that was.
Alright, onto the good stuff.  So all the ladies are sitting around the table and chatting and Camille makes a little snarky joke about her ex’s equipment quoting the old adage, “Big hands, big feet…” but ending with “big disappointment”.  Hardy har, who can blame her, right?  Ok so then Kyle’s all, “Whatever could you be referring to??”  (Yeah right, like you don’t know) and Brandi just goes, “Cock!”
Well hello Brandi!  I love a woman who can straight up say “Cock!” in the middle of a family BBQ, I mean that takes balls.  Cock!  Balls!  Sorry mom. 
Ok let me be real for a minute, well relatively speaking given as I’m a plastic doll who comes alive only in your imagination.  We’ve all heard the word.  We’ve all put on our dirty little hats while gossiping with our girlfriends or best gays and used naughty words.  So for Kyle and Taylor to be like, “Holy Majolley!  I’ve never heard such a word!” is just forced and lame.  How is it that Camille has turned out to be the coolest one next to Adrienne?  Ok I get it, there’s a time and place for everything, but had I been sitting at that table and she just blurted out that word I probably would have spit my sauvignon blanc all over her crutches in full-bodied laughter.  Because it is the setting that makes it funny, get it?  I also have what some might consider a questionable sense of humor and the last thing someone could call me is a prude, so maybe I’m out on a limb here.  The reactions she got from that word, I could kind of see where Brandi was coming from when she asked if everyone thought she was “slut” but I definitely wouldn’t have said that.  I probably wouldn’t have said “cock” either, but I would have been the first to shout “She’s talking about his penis!” and then succumb to a bout of third-grader laughter.  I mean Camille-Jebus, they were at a table for six and they are supposed to be friends or at least friend-ly, we’re not in church here Kyle.  Also, if you are opposed to dirty talk, you do not deserve Mmmmmmauricio, ok Sunshine?  So get your head in the game, pull that princess wand out of your stuffy rear-end and have a little fun you jealous beezy.
Ok the other thing to address:  Brandi’s son peeing on the grass.  I don’t want it to sound like I’m defending Brandi here, these are just my opinions on the subjects at hand.  The poor little tyke just turned four years old.  He gets out of the pool and drops his pants in front of everyone and proceeds to pee in the grass.  Should Brandi have ran over there and told him that was wrong, sure of course, but SHE IS ON CRUTCHES!  By the time she got over there ten minutes later he would have been like a puppy with a pee spot; she would have disciplined him and he would have zero idea what she was referring to.  I don’t have children, but I’m pretty sure at that age their memories last like 30 seconds.  Or is that puppies…
Anyway, I believe that if you have never raised little boys then you are in no position to be shocked about how people raise their little boys.  Snips and snails and puppy dog tails, right?  I mean, for Jim-God’s sake, the kid just turned four!  Let him pee in grass.  Ken will applaud our little nugget when he pees in grass, I guarantee you that.  And if I’m on crutches, I’m telling you right now, let that grass be dead and sue me for the damage, cause I’m enjoying a glass of wine over here.  Cock!
Why is Kyle being such a biotch this season?  Come back to us Kyle.  The power of Camille-Christ compels you!!
Paul comes out in his scrubs (is this his lounge wear? Because what an idea!) and jumps in the pool.  Adrienne made some comment about how every morning she wakes up and Paul still doesn’t look like Mmmmauricio.  I LOL’ed.
In the finale scene Dana says to the men that her fiancée really wanted to meet them but he had to leave the BBQ because he’s always away.  She doesn’t know why or what he’s doing, he’s just never around.  To this Brandi jokingly says, “He’s probably got a woman in every city.”  This is never a good joke folks.  No one likes this joke directed at them.  The joke does not go over well (shocker) and Dana comes back, a little too offended (hence my suspicion) with, “Actually he has a sick mother in Brooklyn and a dead father in Paris, and his dog died in Cleveland, OK BITCH???”
Whooa Sunglasses, you said you didn’t know where he was.  Reel it in.
Next week looks to be oh-so-promising with accusations of drug-doing and slut-being and it seems like an all-around good time.  I’ll see you next week right here my lovelies!