Tuesday, October 4, 2011

“Two Boobs and A Tiara: The Story of my Life”

Welcome back RHBH fans!  Last night’s episode was tons of frivolous fun.  Let’s get started, shall we?
Dana Wilkey is our newest addition to the Beverly Hills gang and boy oh boy did she make an entrance, huh?  As Kyle said, when she opened the door two boobs and a tiara greeted us.  And to that I said, All hail the queen.  Who would have guessed that that was a possible wedding dress choice?  To each her own I always say, but I believe it’s safe to assume they are not tying the knot in a church.  Taylor and Kyle were definitely not prepared for what greeted them at the door.  Dana is a little bubble of energy, which I find all successful event coordinators must be, and she flitted from one end of the house to the other spouting off little heres and theres: “I’m just finishing up trying on wedding clothes!” “This is my house, do you love it?”  “This is just one option!” “My son knows Thai!”  “Squirrel!”  Slow.down.Bubbies.
Ok so once they finally sit down to eat, Dana explains her little hints of chatter.  Her son, who is an eighteen month old model (he’s just about past his prime, just sayin’) can read, speak Thai, study the encyclopedia, argue gay marriage, knit a mean scarf, and give financial advice.  It’s cray.  Kyle is of course trying to gage whether or not she should be totally “jeally” (her word not mine) by assessing the situation in her head.  “Well, her kid is clearly more talented than mind but I do have that hot husband, and I have much better style than her so…”  A dilemma Kyle.  One which will not be so hard on your mind with our friend Brandi.  More on that later…
What Dana clearly lacks in a sense of fashion, she makes up for in her obvious lack of worry about what anyone thinks.  I like this about her.  She seems nice, sweet even maybe, but unrefined.  When the chef serves lunch she says, “This is a…umm…what is this?” about a piece of salmon.  When her lunch guests arrive, she’s still trying on dresses and jewelry with an entourage and rather than make her guests feel welcome, waits until they say they’ll go somewhere to wait for her before they wonder aimlessly through her foyer.  See?  Unrefined.  But as always, I’m not judging but merely observing.
Cut straight to Adrienne and Paul doing what they do best.  Adrienne’s making calls to all the girls to invite them to a fancy BBQ at the Maloof Mansion and Paul’s annoying the shit out of her.  Poor Paul.  He’s not really allowed to talk.  He’s cool with it.  Adrienne’s dog gets to sit on her lap in the giant leather chair that graces the marble mahogany 14 carat gold desk in their office or whatever, and Paul’s dog can’t even be let in the house, why you ask?  Because Jackpot, after going what I fondly refer to with my pup as “big potty” in Paul’s closet (if he did this in Adrienne’s closet, he would be a handbag by now) will annoy the hell out of Paul’s dog so he can’t come inside.  Oop!  And here he is.  When the German Sheppard enters the home it’s chaos and disaster to where –GASP- Adrienne cannot even leave a decent message for Taylor about the BBQ.  It’s so hard. 
“Taylor, BBQ. Come. Dogs biting, leg hump.  Call, no. Yes, do.  It’s Adrienne.”
The woman assists in running several multi-million dollar companies and she can’t multi-task a phone call and two dogs.  Cray.
It seems to yours truly that they’re really playing up the whole “bickering couple” angle on the Nassif-Maloof’s storyline.  I know they got a lot of feedback last season about how relatable Adrienne and Paul were with their constant back and forth, and I think it got to Andy Cohen’s perfectly coiffed head.  Andy, darling, we’re not trying to watch “The Honeymooners” here, why don’t you scale it back a notch or two.  You might as well have Adrienne in an apron with Paul shouting “One of these days Alice, (fist shake, fist shake) straight to the moon!” 
Moving on, we have Taylor meeting Brandi for a drink in a murky bar at like two-o-clock in the afternoon.  You guys, it is painfully awkward to have Brandi hobbling through these episodes.  Crutches are so not fabulous.  Let’s face it, when she broke her ankle rolling off her damn stiletto or whatever she should have been recast with someone who can walk.  But I digress…
So Brandi’s sitting (obvi) and Taylor walks in.  I think it was really nice for Brandi to invite Taylor out to drinks.  She was really the only one remotely kind to her at the charity event so I can see how she would be the lucky winner of this gimpy date.  Soon after they order their white wine, they delve into talk of marriage, divorce, counseling, and consequences.  No one knows about a failed marriage like Brandi Glanville.  This poor woman’s husband was cheating on her the ENTIRE time they were married??  At least his Playboy show that he and Skinny McHasBeen moved to Chicago for got cancelled, at least there’s that.  Karma’s a bitch, eh pretty boy? 
Brandi may be projecting a tad (though who could blame her, and in her defense she ended up being right in this case) when she says that marriage counseling often ends in divorce.  Well, yes, when your husband has cheated on you throughout, I highly doubt counseling is going to make a huge dent.  I think though that she could just tell by the way Taylor talked about it that things weren’t looking good.  It’s nice that Brandi wants to bond with Camille and Taylor over their failed and almost-failed marriages.  We women should stick together, isn’t that what this show is about?  Well, partly what it’s about anyway, the other part is coming.
Ahhh we interrupt this program to show you a clip of a crazy lady talking to her housekeeper who is closing her eyes and wishing herself someplace else.  Why is Kim showing her housekeeper (I assume that was her housekeeper) pictures of her kids when they were little?  Kim, strangers do not care to hear stories of when your kids were but wee, nor see pictures of them to accompany those stories.  You guys, I cannot wait to find out what Kim is on, seriously.  Like, WHAT IS SHE ON?  Does she get it from Mexico brought in by donkey back through the desert of San Diego/El Cajon area straight up through the hills of Hollywood?  Has she been on it long?  Does she simply order it off the internet??  I think we get some insight on this next week, and I for one cannot wait.  I may just go to sleep Rip Van Winkle style and not wake up until next Monday.  But to do so I would need some of whatever Kim is on….a catch 22, dammit!
Ken, Lisa, Mauricio and Kyle have a nice dinner at either Sur or the other one.  I’m assuming it was one of their restaurants at least given the flippant response Lisa gave to Giggy peeing in the booth.  Kyle goes bitch-status (her role this season apparently) on Dana saying the lunch at her house was “awkward” and making fun of how she spoke of her child prodigy.  Who am I kidding, I would have done the same.  But who says their eighteen month old speaks Thai??  What was his name again?  It’s probably something all “rich people” like Braydon or Ethan Allen or Lutz or something but I wish it was Jack.  I wish it was Jack so that she could say, “Oh Jack talk Thai.  Jack talk Thai reeeal good.” (Meet the Parents reference, who’s with me?)
Anyway, Mmmmmauricio is at this dinner so heyyyyy.  Oh sorry, lost my train of thought.  Oh yeah, Kyle goes, “Why you gotta be mean to Taylor?  She fragile!” to Lisa and Lisa’s all, “I’m not, I simply said I’m not ‘masquerading’ as her friend,” but Kyle thinks that’s real mean girl of her.  Whatever, this is lame.  I get what Lisa’s saying, she just doesn’t want to be fake.  You know those people in your life who you know could really give a running fuck about you but when something bad happens to you they act like they’re your best friend when really all they want is for you to trust them and tell them everything so they can go talk shit about you to other people making them feel less insecure about themselves??  Oh you don’t?  Nevermind.
Lisa, as far as I’m concerned, is in the right here.  I feel like Kyle takes it upon herself to insert into drama where she can and that’s what is happening here.  At the dinner party, she could have defused the situation by saying something to the effect of, “Ken, Taylor’s very sensitive right now just to give you a heads up.”  I don’t know, aren’t they friends?  Can’t she say something helpful instead of fueling the fire?  Oh heyyyyyy Mmmmmmmmmmauricio…sorry what?  What was I saying?  Moving on…
Oh the fancy BBQ.  The wear-your-25K-sunglasses-cause-it’s-that-fancy-BBQ.  You know how I know Brandi was right about Dana’s fiancée slippin’ around on her in every city?  Because he doesn’t want to be on camera and he bought her $25,000 sunglasses.
My favorite line of the episode came from the 7 foot tall gimp, B-Money.  I’ll paraphrase but still put it in quotes so as not to confuse:
“Camille’s break-up was the A List version of my D List break-up.”
I appreciate self-awareness folks.
I also like, and this is behind-the-scenes info so pay attention PUH-lease, that in Brandi’s blog she calls out Kyle for saying that she’s only famous for having a husband who left her for LeAnn Rimes to which Brandi responds by wondering aloud if that’s better or worse than being famous for having a much more famous niece and a sister who did a couple movies twenty-something years ago.  I may be starting to like this Brandi character.
Let me for a minute address why I love Adrienne.  Did you see how huffy she got when she saw the champagne glasses the “bartender” chose to serve at a BBQ?  She was so pissed.  Where did this bartender come from?  He was so painfully stupid.  Who chooses that glassware for a BBQ?  It was probably like $25,000 per gold plated champagne glass that he chose for outdoor dining, which brings us to…
Anyone who spends $25,000 on sunglasses, this is addressed to you.  Whatever you decide to spend your money on is none of my damn business.  I once forked out $80,000 for a pink convertible, who the hell does that?  Everyone thought I worked for Mary Kay, it was awful.  Ok but here’s the thing.  When you do spend a horrifically insane amount of money on something so material, so trivial, you do not say you did on national television.  You especially do not say it like six or seven times.  Had I just seen those sunglasses on her I would have been like, “Wow, those are fabulous.”  Well, scratch that.  Did you see what Dana was wearing with her 25K eyewear?  She was wearing hot green shorts and a black v-neck, both of which she got for $5.95 at Target.  So actually, the sunglasses she paid enough money for to feed several cities worth of starving children (Hi Dana, you pay only $400 for a silent auction prize for kids with cancer but are ok with wearing 25K sunglasses and telling the whole world??) looked fabulous on Camille when she tried them on.  On Dana they slightly resembled lipstick on a pig…oink vey.
Our darling Lisa has been offered a spot as a CNN correspondent for the royal wedding!  I don’t really get it, I have no understanding of why the royal wedding was as big of a deal as it was, and I was bored through this segment wanting to get to what the previews showed which was Brandi saying “cock” at the BBQ so all I’m going to say about this segment is Lisa looked and sounded great as usual.  I bet she was happy to not have been at that BBQ table…
Where’s Kim?  Wherever is Kim?  Could her power have gone out in the whole neighborhood again yet she can mysteriously still use her neighbor’s power outlet to give herself a professional blow out?  Do you need light in the middle of the day to see your closet?  You do if you’re seven Special K and a bottle of whiskey in.  Well, as usual, Kim’s a no-show at the fancy BBQ.  She doesn’t have any kids –WHAT?- I mean she couldn’t find her blouse –WHO?-  I mean she couldn’t get a ride –WHERE?- ok ok she’s plastered.  Can’t come, don’t ask.  Don’t worry, she’ll call the hostess to let her know as soon as she can remember who that was.
Alright, onto the good stuff.  So all the ladies are sitting around the table and chatting and Camille makes a little snarky joke about her ex’s equipment quoting the old adage, “Big hands, big feet…” but ending with “big disappointment”.  Hardy har, who can blame her, right?  Ok so then Kyle’s all, “Whatever could you be referring to??”  (Yeah right, like you don’t know) and Brandi just goes, “Cock!”
Well hello Brandi!  I love a woman who can straight up say “Cock!” in the middle of a family BBQ, I mean that takes balls.  Cock!  Balls!  Sorry mom. 
Ok let me be real for a minute, well relatively speaking given as I’m a plastic doll who comes alive only in your imagination.  We’ve all heard the word.  We’ve all put on our dirty little hats while gossiping with our girlfriends or best gays and used naughty words.  So for Kyle and Taylor to be like, “Holy Majolley!  I’ve never heard such a word!” is just forced and lame.  How is it that Camille has turned out to be the coolest one next to Adrienne?  Ok I get it, there’s a time and place for everything, but had I been sitting at that table and she just blurted out that word I probably would have spit my sauvignon blanc all over her crutches in full-bodied laughter.  Because it is the setting that makes it funny, get it?  I also have what some might consider a questionable sense of humor and the last thing someone could call me is a prude, so maybe I’m out on a limb here.  The reactions she got from that word, I could kind of see where Brandi was coming from when she asked if everyone thought she was “slut” but I definitely wouldn’t have said that.  I probably wouldn’t have said “cock” either, but I would have been the first to shout “She’s talking about his penis!” and then succumb to a bout of third-grader laughter.  I mean Camille-Jebus, they were at a table for six and they are supposed to be friends or at least friend-ly, we’re not in church here Kyle.  Also, if you are opposed to dirty talk, you do not deserve Mmmmmmauricio, ok Sunshine?  So get your head in the game, pull that princess wand out of your stuffy rear-end and have a little fun you jealous beezy.
Ok the other thing to address:  Brandi’s son peeing on the grass.  I don’t want it to sound like I’m defending Brandi here, these are just my opinions on the subjects at hand.  The poor little tyke just turned four years old.  He gets out of the pool and drops his pants in front of everyone and proceeds to pee in the grass.  Should Brandi have ran over there and told him that was wrong, sure of course, but SHE IS ON CRUTCHES!  By the time she got over there ten minutes later he would have been like a puppy with a pee spot; she would have disciplined him and he would have zero idea what she was referring to.  I don’t have children, but I’m pretty sure at that age their memories last like 30 seconds.  Or is that puppies…
Anyway, I believe that if you have never raised little boys then you are in no position to be shocked about how people raise their little boys.  Snips and snails and puppy dog tails, right?  I mean, for Jim-God’s sake, the kid just turned four!  Let him pee in grass.  Ken will applaud our little nugget when he pees in grass, I guarantee you that.  And if I’m on crutches, I’m telling you right now, let that grass be dead and sue me for the damage, cause I’m enjoying a glass of wine over here.  Cock!
Why is Kyle being such a biotch this season?  Come back to us Kyle.  The power of Camille-Christ compels you!!
Paul comes out in his scrubs (is this his lounge wear? Because what an idea!) and jumps in the pool.  Adrienne made some comment about how every morning she wakes up and Paul still doesn’t look like Mmmmauricio.  I LOL’ed.
In the finale scene Dana says to the men that her fiancée really wanted to meet them but he had to leave the BBQ because he’s always away.  She doesn’t know why or what he’s doing, he’s just never around.  To this Brandi jokingly says, “He’s probably got a woman in every city.”  This is never a good joke folks.  No one likes this joke directed at them.  The joke does not go over well (shocker) and Dana comes back, a little too offended (hence my suspicion) with, “Actually he has a sick mother in Brooklyn and a dead father in Paris, and his dog died in Cleveland, OK BITCH???”
Whooa Sunglasses, you said you didn’t know where he was.  Reel it in.
Next week looks to be oh-so-promising with accusations of drug-doing and slut-being and it seems like an all-around good time.  I’ll see you next week right here my lovelies!

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