Thursday, October 13, 2011

Let the Games Begin, I Mean End!

Welcome back friends.  Sorry I’m a few days late and $25,000 short, I had to watch this episode twice in order to get everything.  I even hosted my friend Skipper to watch with me last night so we could be sure to catch every ounce of bitch.  I think we got it all, so let us begin…
We open this episode with Lisa preparing dinner for Jason’s parents.  How cute is Lisa with her hair up and her little apron?  I love that she was double dipping in that potato salad with all the love in her British heart on national television.  Also, carrying a dog around other people’s food who unfortunately suffers from alopecia is maybe not the best idea Ken.
Dana comes over to Taylor’s house to help bake cookies that will not be eaten by Taylor.  Dana’s apron cost $4,500, did you know?  Apparently Taylor was planning a Game Night at her house but after her nervous breakdown on the mountain she’s wary of playing hostess, so she asks Dana if she would host instead.  Dana’s excited about this, I mean she’s a party planner for crying out loud so of course she is. 
Adrienne and Kyle meet up to eat tomato caprese for dinner.  Somewhere in Beverly Hills there is a “celebrity trainer” or “trainer to the stars” if you will, who is telling everyone to only eat tomato caprese salads for dinner.  All the housewives order this when they go out to dinner.  All of you can afford an entrée, I promise you.  Did you all notice that monster around Adrienne’s neck that was trying to eat her?  It was the pink lovechild of a scarf and a necklace.  A barf-lace I believe they are called.  I love Adrienne, I do, but she and I do not have the same taste in fashion. 
Adrienne asks Kyle what she thought of Brandi and Kyle being the delicate flower that she is, basically admitted she wasn’t her cup of tea.  It’s her word usage she is offended by (Kyle, I used to think we could be friends, but after this revelation it’s clear we cannot) and the way she just lets her son “whip out his penis” at parties.  I think it has more to do with the fact that she wears a size zero and has 3 mile long legs, but who am I?  Adrienne agrees that Brandi speaks before she thinks, but is that not what “real” is?  See this is where I feel these women are just swimming in a vat of hypocrisy.  In addition to the annoying increase of the word “Classy” being thrown around (by the way, if you say the phrase “I’m a classy bitch” you are not classy) I don’t know if I quite understand the desire for everyone to “be real”.  Is anyone else with me on this?  These women all claim that they’re “real”.  What does that even mean?  I am not in favor of just saying whatever comes to your mind.  It’s rude.  I don’t see how that makes you “real”.  I do see where Brandi is “real” because she is who she is and seems to own it.  But if they all value being “real” then what is the problem with Brandi again???
Adrienne and Brandi meet up for a cappuccino and a milkshake.  Why hasn’t anyone invited me out for a cappuccino and a milkshake??  This is a brilliant date!   OK so the ladies need to discuss the infamous fancy BBQ and discuss it they did.  Adrienne thinks the girls need to see a more fun side of Brandi, and what better way than Game Night!  That sounds fun right?...
Ok this is where it gets good.
It’s game time folks.  Kyle ring-a-dings the bell and up walks Dana two hours later to answer her call.  “Sorry, I know that took like two hours hee hee ha ha,” chirps Dana.  Next to arrive (nicely planned Bravo producers) is Brandi with her crutches and the infamous left wedge.  She compliments Dana's outfit to which Dana replies, “Oh did you know? Valentino.  He was just here.  Sometimes he comes over just to try on my sunglasses which, did you hear?  $25,000.”  When Brandi clarified that Dana was talking about her stylist (didn’t she say she didn’t have a stylist and wanted Kyle to dress her??) not Valentino, Brandi said, “Oh ok, ‘cause I was going to say, I thought he died.”  He is not dead.  But if he heard Dana bragging about wearing his clothes, he’d wish he was.
Never one to disappoint, Dana escorts Brandi into the awkward waiting room mentioning nonchalantly she just has tons of trouble walking in her Fendis.  Is that a problem that plagues all of my ladies out there as well?  I know I just have tons of trouble with my Fendis.  How ‘new money’ is this chick?!?  First of all, why is your house so barren and spattered with random smatterings (I must attribute that line to Skipper who made me spit out my dirty martini with her witty use of the word “smatterings”).  Secondly, when someone compliments one’s clothing or shoes, who points to the item and announces the price??  This woman needs a serious lesson in etiquette.  More on that later…
For an event coordinator, Dana threw the worst party ever.  I know everyone in Beverly Hills is fashionably late, but at the point at which you are waiting two hours (Dana said on her blog that Kim was two hours late) you don’t wait to start the party.  Also, how about a little music, I don’t know.  I mean, isn’t that what humans like at parties?  Also, the way the chairs were placed was so awkward.  And then there was the fact that Brandi and Kyle just sat there mad-dogging each other without any convo so that made it awkward times a million.  Dana hired a bartender for a seven person party so that dude was all awkward because he had nothing to do all night.  The desserts were random and the “décor” left something to be desired.  I mean, how does this woman throw parties in her professional life??
Ok, so Camille comes in and both Kyle and I have never been so excited to see her.  Ahh Camille, you are a breath of fresh air in an otherwise smoggy cloud of filth.  Camille comes in, looks around the barren house with random smatterings (thanks again Skip), looks at the ladies who all have their own miserable corners and are not speaking, and says to the audience, “Ok so what is going on here?”  EXACTLY Camille.  What IS going on here?? 
Next Taylor rings the bell.  Taylor keeps wearing these figureless dresses so we can’t see how emaciated the poor woman is, but we can still tell.  So she comes in all, “What’s going on? La lalala,” and it’s STILL awkward.  Dana is in the midst of crawling into a secure crevasse in Camille’s…What?  Kim’s here??  KIM’S HERE YOU GUYS!!!!
Dana answers the door, “You must be Kim!” to which Kim replies, “Pam.  Dana?”  Oh, this is going to be good.  Kim looks like she's about three sheets to the oxycodone.  She’s not quite dressed, has make-up running down her face, and is desperately grasping a random iced coffee drink.  Caffeine is not good for anxiety, who is Kim’s doctor for Camille-Christ’s sake?  She is just beyond a hot mess at this point.  She’s a burning disaster.  She’s a torched clutter jumble. 

Kim is introduced to Brandi.  Kim compliments Brandi’s shorts, “Those are cute, I almost wore shorts, but aren’t you cold?”  Brandi replies, “No, not yet, but you never know.”  That’s true, you do not ever know.
Kim immediately excuses herself to the restroom and Kyle scuttles after her to assist her with her hair/make-up/clothing/motor skills.  Meanwhile, Dana has continued in her quest to be invited to Camille’s vacation home in Hawaii.

Dana: “No seriously, if you ever want to go there but not with family or friends you should call me.  Like if you ever want to take a complete stranger and put her up in your house in Hawaii for free, like I’m super down with that.  No really.  Did you know?  $25,000.”
Camille:  “Heh heh, yeeeeah….”        *insert creeped out face
After Kyle wipes the eyeliner tears and listless dreams off of Kim’s face, they enter the party.  Oh excuse me, after Kim loudly insults Dana by proclaiming that her house is filthy and tries to wipe the dust off of an antique mirror (seriously though, no one lives in this house) THEN Kyle wipes off the eyeliner tears and listless dreams and they join the party, if you can even call it that.
We find out that Adrienne can’t come.  She’d rather pull her toe nails out one by one using a rusted pair of tweezers, so sorry, she can’t make it.  Brandi’s like, “Ohhhh shiiiiit,” because she is now clearly outnumbered.
In the bathroom we learned that Kim is suffering from severe anxiety and is coming off of a seven day binge –I MEAN- anxiety attack during which she has not eaten or slept.  IN SEVEN DAYS!  She’s had only random iced coffee drinks as sustenance at this point.  No wonder she cray cray.  If I don’t eat for like three hours I will rip your damn head off for your chicken nuggets.  It’s a totally accurate comparison as I also suffer from anxiety so we’re pretty much the same person, Kim and I.  Well, minus the meth.
Alrighty so FINALLY they enter the Game Room which is just another baron room, minus the random smatterings, with some cray couch-lounge chairs and a tray on the coffee table holding about ten untouched champagne glasses full of champagne.  They start with the game “Celebrity”.  We all know how to play so I won’t explain it.  The teams were as follows:  Kyle, Kim, and Brandi vs Camille, Taylor, and Dana.  These teams were supposedly picked randomly but we all know Andy Cohen rigged it, that sneaky little devil.  Dana, the world’s worst hostess, made it so that the sisters were together which makes no sense given that Kim was making bathroom trips to touch up her liquid eyeliner (???) every five to ten minutes, and had they been separated the whole night wouldn’t have to stop every time Kim excused herself.  Oh no wait, it still would because Kyle had to go with her every time.  My question is, Kyle: If you don’t think your sissy is doing something naughty in the bathroom then why do you run after her every time she goes?
Kyle gets up and starts describing her celebrities in sister code with descriptions no one would understand but her and Kim. 
“He was my ex-boyfriend!  We went to this person’s party two days ago!  I gave this guy crabs!”
Brandi was like, “OOhhhhhhhhh how did I not get that?!?!”  Brandi, I know you’re pissed off but you catch more flies with honey.
BEST THING EVER:  Brandi goes next and describes a famous person who is “a black man but not Martin Luther King.”  As I scream at my television, “Bill Cosby!  Malcolm X!  Obama!” she gives the next clue.  “The place where you go to worship is part of his last name!”  Huh?  As you can imagine, no one guessed Winston Churchill, the obvious answer, duh.  I mean, famous black guy, c’mon people, know your history.  I kept guessing other famous black people, “Abraham Lincoln!  Adolf Hitler!” but to no avail.  Everyone sighed and guffawed like 7th grade nilly willies because Brandi is sooooo stuuuupid and they giggled and whispered and it was terrible.
Next up we have Camille.  Have I mentioned I love Camille this season?  Kim needs to visit Camille’s doctor, he’s got the good stuff.  His stuff is so good that it makes Camille really bad at this game.  She’s so chill, there’s no sense of urgency.
“She’s a woman with cheek bones, very classy.  She was in movies, dressed amazing.  She had hair that was brown and brown eyes as well.  She has skin and hands…”
It was Sophia Loren which somehow someone guessed which makes me think that they could have gotten Churchill even if Brandi did mistakenly think he was the guy in “Different Strokes”:  “Whatchu talkin’ bout Winston?”  It was Willis, Brandi.  It was Willis.
The ladies played their games whilst they played their games.  Kim mentioned, in between bathroom “anxiety attacks” that she didn’t like Brandi and didn’t want her on her team.  To this, Kyle threw her head back and cackled as though that (did you know?) $46,000 coffee table was a bona fide cauldron.  Brandi was sitting about 4-5 feet from them and could hear every word.  This isn’t cool you guys.  We’ve all been there.  Everybody knows everybody but you, you got picked last in dodge ball, whatever the case it’s not fun.  It was especially cruel because it was such an intimate setting.  Also, these are grown women.  I’m not saying Brandi is the friendliest, but sweet Camille Jebus.  Speaking of Sweet Camille Jebus, this woman was so calm throughout.  While Kim made one of her bathroom fix –I MEAN- trips, Brandi asked Camille what in Jim-God’s green Earth Kim was on.  Camille whispered something about “none of my business” and tried to dodge the subject altogether.  Brandi, if you think someone is hopped up on drugs, do you really want to confront them?  And with one non-working foot?  The answer my friends, is yes.
DUN DUN DUNNNNNN.  Dana (or Pam if you’re someone whose ass she’s trying to kiss) announces they’re moving onto the IQ Test Game.  Kyle gets up and in all her cray-bitch glory points her finger at Brandi with a smirk and shouts, “YOU FIRST.”  Now we know what makes Brandi snap. 
“Good, bring it bitch.”
Ok here’s the thing folks.  Unless you’re looking for a fight, when a fellow lady says, in a Game Night setting, “Bring it bitch,” most of us are going to quote our most favorite gets-naked-in-every-movie actress Jamie Pressley’s mockery of the movie “Bring it On” and respond with, “Oh, it’s already been br-ough-ton” but not Kyle, no not Kyle.  Instead she comes back with, “Are you calling me a bitch??” and then Brandi literally says, “Yes, you’re a bitch.”
Whooooa this just got cray!  So then Kim jumps in all cracked out and is like, “Well you’re a slut and those shorts that I complimented earlier are slutty!  And you sleep with a lot of guys!!  And you’re a goddamn whore!!”  Holy.$25,000.Shit.
This is when all hell breaks loose folks.  Kyle starts in about the four-year-old peeing again (Was Kyle peed on by a four-year old as a youth and permanently traumatized??) and Brandi’s like, “Don’t talk about my babies!!” and then Kyle’s like, “YOU’RE the parent!!” and then Brandi says, “Your sister is wasted out of her fucking mind!!” and then both Richards sisters stand up simultaneously and point their wrinkly fingers and yell, “YOU BETTER NOT GO THERE!!  YOU SHUT YOUR F**KING MOUTH YOU DIRTY MOUTHED SLUT B***H!!!”  Holy hell, are we watching New Jersey??  Are we watching Atlanta??  I know this isn’t Beverly Hills!!
But it is.  It is.  And meanwhile Kim had hidden Brandi’s crutches so whatever happens next, Brandi is immobile for it.  We have to wait until next week to see how this thing shakes out.  I don’t know what’s going to happen, I don’t know if they all survive.  I think this could have all been avoided had Dana just served food.  OH YEAH, let us discuss Dana/Pam AGAIN.  She was the absolute WORST because she as the hostess could have defused the situation or at least attempted to, but instead she jumped on the Mean Wagon like a fourth grader on Ritalin and was all, “Kyle I don’t like herrrrrrr. Make her stoppppppp,” and “Don’t call me Pam!” and other asinine throw-ins.  Dana, this is all your fault.  You and your sunglasses.  You’re making everyone crazy.
Another thing happened in this episode but it was just so painfully boring compared to all of this I am going to dedicate no more than two sentences to it:
1.        Lisa’s daughter Pandora gets engaged to long-time boyfriend Jason.
2.       I think Jason might be gay, can’t put my finger on why, just a feeling.
Next week is going to be AMAZEballs.  I can’t wait to see Adrienne’s reaction to all of this.  Do the Richards sisters break Brandi’s other foot and then turn her into a toad forevermore?  Does Brandi actually kill Kim like she threatens in the previews?  Does someone knock Dana off of her Fendis once and for all?? 
Until next week my sweets…

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