Thursday, March 22, 2012
SLACKER BARBIE TM. Yes, I am over a week late. I have no reasons, only excuses. Let’s all take a deep breath and move past it. Ok, on last week’s episode of Real Housewives of Orange County…
We witness the finale of the Bunko Party from Hell. I’m going to break it down by mini-wars. Ready?
Slade vs. Vicki
We left off where the boys arrive decked out in full eighties gear, including Slade the Comedian sporting a Joe Dirt mullet and a smug smirk on his Sladey Smiley face. Vicki is LIVID right now. You can see the red rising up her face like a cartoon Donald Duck when Huey, Duey, and Louie get into the flour or some such antic. She stares at him from across the room and everyone can see this is not going to end well. The red rises all the way to the top, the smoke blows out of her ears, and Vicki says with an eerie calmness, “So you think it’s funny to be mean Slade?” and Slade responds with, “I don’t know, why don’t you ask the 300 people who were laughing their asses off?” Ok, well that’s a bit of an exaggeration but whatever. So Vicki says, “What are you, some sort of comedian now?” and Slade says, “Yes.” Vicki turns in a few angry circles and does a little mad dance and then says, “Exit stage left (what?). He’s a piece of shit. He’s a piece of shit. He’s a piece of shit.” We get it Vick. She exits what must be “stage left” and says she has more important things to do than this like spend time with her sick daughter. Phew, I guess we dodged that bullet. Oh but wait, in true Vicki fashion, she waits for someone to come after her. When no one does, she enters back into the party, stage right. Everyone is sort of standing around and Vicki walks straight up to where Slade and Gretchen are sitting. She says, “I know you don’t approve of my looks and they aren’t up to your Orange County standards but my mom and dad think I’m beautiful.” How embarrassing is that you guys? First you storm you because you have more important things to deal with. Then you return and say that?? Slade literally laughed in her face. It was painful.
Vicki vs. Gretchen
Gretchen can’t take it anymore with the Vicki nonsense. She practically yells to Vicki, “So you think it’s ok to call someone a ‘dead beat dad’ but he can’t say anything about you?!?” and Vicki says, “I never made fun of his looks!!” and Gretchen’s head explodes. She collects her brain matter off the floor and says, “You think it’s worse to make fun of someone’s looks than to accuse someone of being a dead beat dad???” and Vicki yells, “I HAVE BEEN THE RECIPIENT OF SOMEONE WHO DOESN’T PAY CHILD SUPPORT!!!” and Gretchen screams, “THEN WHY ARE YOU DATING BROOKS!!!!??????!!!!!!??????!!!!!!” and Vicki shrieks, “MY BOYFRIENDS IS NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!” and Gretchen shouts back, “WELL THAT’S FUNNY! BECAUSE SLADE WAS NONE OF YOUR F**KING BUSINESS EITHER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!” And the eighties shit just hit the fan.
Everyone just stood by in horror as these two grown women’s screaming match ensued with F-bombs dropping left and right and crimped hair flying and fingers wagging so hard you thought they might break off and fall into an empty margarita glass. It ended with Gretchen crying, “What gives her the f**king right??” and Bubbies and Slade consoling her as Vicki storms out, yet again, this time followed by Tamra who tells her something that makes so much sense it’s mind-boggling that it was said on this show. Tamra said, “Look at me in my face. I am removed from this because I choose to remove myself.” OMG. What a fucking concept!! Hey Vicki, WHO THE HELL CARES that Slade made fun of you in his comedy show?? You’ve been DOGGING him for YEARS! You didn’t think that was coming back to you at some point?? You didn’t think that you dating a guy who has been arrested for child support TWICE wouldn’t be brought up by the very guy you accused of being a dead beat dad for falling behind on child support??? Hmm?!? CRAY.
Bubbies vs. Terri
Vicki leaves for good this time and the party sort of commences. Only on Real Housewives, am I right? Heather, her plastic surgeon husband Terri, Tamra, and Gretchen are sitting at a table talking about Tamra’s breast reduction surgery she’s having on the coming Monday. Gretchen says, “Bubbies is having surgery that day too!” Tamra asks what kind of surgery and Gretchen tells her “sinus surgery” and Tamra says, “You mean a nose job??” and everyone laughs. Terri says something about how sinuses are in your cheeks and not your nose and they all giggle some more. Bubbies, sitting about five feet away at a different table says, “I can hear everything you guys are saying and I don’t appreciate it. My surgery IS for my sinuses Terri, and as a plastic surgeon you really shouldn’t be talking about plastic surgeon patients!” Terri is taken aback because apparently he didn’t know they were talking about someone who was at the party. He looked like a deer caught in headlights. He sputtered some defensive line about how he didn’t know….he didn’t know. Heather came to her husband’s defense saying he really didn’t even know they were talking about Bubbies. Oh but Bubbies was not backing down. This is her integrity, her livelihood! Tamra can’t deal with Bubbies, she just can’t deal. Tamra says, “There’s nothing wrong with getting a nose job, your nose is big! Just own it.” Oh heavens no she di’n’t. Bubbies is like, “You don’t know how bad my sinuses are! I hawk up a luggy (sp?) every morning and I could hawk you up a luggy (sp?) right now but I think it’s kind of gross!” Heather’s face is priceless. That will not be necessary Bubbies, thank you very much.
Heather vs. Bubbies
Heather comes over and tries to make peace with the almighty Bubbies but she isn’t really having it. Heather tries to explain that Terri did not know they were talking about her and that they weren’t really being mean, just laughing about how she’s trying to disguise her rhinoplasty as a sinus surgery. The truth is, she was having both. Maybe she wouldn’t have had the nose job done if she didn’t have the other issues, who knows. Who cares?? Bubbies, that’s who.
Bubbies vs. Gretchen
Just when you thought you could sit back on your couch and exhale, another argument erupts. This time, it’s between Bubbies and Gretchen as they are getting in their limo to leave this godforsaken soiree. Bubbies is mad because she doesn’t feel like Gretchen stood up for her in the Sinus Issue or Nose Job debate. Gretchen really didn’t stand up for Bubbies at that table because Gretchen didn’t really believe that Bubbies was not getting a nose job to fix her nose. Gretchen wonders why she was supposed to get in the middle of Bubbies fight with Tamra and Terri but Bubbies didn’t get involved when Vicki and Gretchen were having The Great Yelling Match of 2011. Bubbies wanted to stay neutral, and Gretchen wanted to stay neutral. So why are we fighting again? Ah yes, Bubbies thinks that Gretchen would have stood up for her if she wasn’t new besties with Tamra. Bubbies says she stood up for Gretchen all the time when Tamra talked poop about her. Gretchen says she doesn’t think that’s true. Slade says, “Can’t we all just get along?” and we all say, “Shut up Slade.”
The bunko wars have ended…for now. Donn’s here!! Heyyyyy Donn. Donn never skipped out on any child support. *tear* Donn is visiting Briana at her place. Donn luuuurves Corona, and I luuuurve him for that. Briana is able to just relax and drink a beer and vent about how she’s feeling without having someone freak out on her like someone we know who freaks out *cough Vicki cough*. Briana says Donn is easier to talk to about this stuff than Vicki. We’re just happy to see Donn.
Gretchen and Slade are riding in the Range Rover as per the usge. Gretchen lost her damn voice she yelled so hard at Vicki’s hypocrisy, and really, how could you blame her? I would have thrown my crimper at Vicki when she said Brooks not paying child support is different than Slade not paying child support. It doesn’t matter how you feel about either individual. Slade falling behind on child support is THE SAME as Brooks falling behind on child support! The fact that Vicki wants to claim Slade doesn’t care about his kids is absolutely ridiculous. She never should have said a thing about it because it was none of her business and now it’s coming back to bite her in the ass. You know what they say about people who live in glass houses? Yeah, they shouldn’t walk around naked. Vicki had the gall to text Gretchen with, “I will not tolerate you talking badly about Brooks.” Gretchen says Vicki is a “wackadoodle” and I must agree.
Commercial teaser: Bubbies gets a shipment of dresses from her fashion line and tries them on. I hope they fit, she’s the only one wearing them.
Tamra brings coffee to Vicki for the forty-seventh time this season. They talk about the bunko debacle and Vicki is embarrassed that she yelled, but not sorry. She still doesn’t see the hypocrisy in what she’s saying, which means she never will. Even Tamra thinks it’s bullshit. Vicki justifies her feelings:
“Brooks is a wittle victim who lost his job and fell behind on child support and he wanted to do something but he couldn’t do anything and then the mean ol’ judge threw him in jail twice, once for each baby momma. But Slade is different because he just flat out doesn’t pay child support and he hates his children and hopes they get small pox and all Fs on their report cards, so you see, it’s different.”
La la la, oh to live in Vicki’s world.
Bubbies goes in for her scawwwry surgery. She’s a freakin’ hawt mess. Jim-God says a prayer atop her head and that makes her feel just a toonsy bit better, but not really. Not even Jim-God can save you from a nose job apparently. Those nurses can’t wait to knock Bubbies out. Jim-God slips them a twenty just to hurry it up already. Bubbies is crying and sniffling, well she would be but she can’t which is why she’s getting this surgery in the first place. That and the bump she wants shaved off. Next week we see the conclusion of the sinus/nose job surgery and we get to witness Dr. Niccole break the hell out of Bubbies’ nose which will be slightly fun.
Vicki takes Briana in to get her surgery and it’s a dark day in the OC. Briana is all set to go, or is she? Vicki must know: Did she pack panties, pjs, a toothbrush, a hair straightener, a book of cross-word puzzles, her best gold jewelry in case the President comes to visit her in the hospital??? Briana tries to explain to her cray mom that she’s a nurse and knows what she needs to stay in the hospital for three days but Vicki has to control the situation anyway. Stop fighting it Briana, you’ll only waste your strength. On the car ride to the hospital, Vicki nearly has a nervous breakdown. You would think it was she who was about to have her throat cut open instead of the calm passenger sitting to her right. Briana says that with her mom, it is always about her mom. So we’ve observed Briana. It’s not that I don’t think Vicki should have been freaking out about this whole thing. It’s that when someone else is the one going through the trauma, you should support them in whatever way they need to be supported which in Briana’s case was to remain calm. Having someone freak out that you’re going to have cancer and die does not typically make you feel more confident about the situation. Everyone tried to handle it the best they could though, and we’ll see how it turns out next week.
Next week (meaning this week, and more specifically two nights ago) it’s prognosis negative for Briana, Tamra visits the doc about having her enormous jugs taken out, and Heather takes a couple of the ladies on the ride of their lives. That’s right, a 10 minute helicopter ride to L.A. Stay tuned, and hopefully I can pound out another one of these like a good non-procrastinator Barbie and get us all up to date because this is all so important. Until what will likely be tomorrow…
Friday, March 9, 2012
There is nothing like an ‘80s themed Bunko Party to get the drama flowing. Let us begin…
We open this episode with Gretchen and Slade in the Range Rover driving down the 5 or the 405 or the…nope, has to be one of those. Slade tells Gretchen he has found his new calling in the comedy circuit, and he’s going to launch a touring career. Gretchen, having pretty much the same reaction as we the viewers, says, “He just…he wants…What? No.” My sentiments exactly. Gretchen doesn’t like how Slade comes up with all these new passions. Remember when he wanted to be a painter? Stop laughing, it makes it harder to read. Gretchen sort of did the same thing with her make-up line, then hand bag line, then spray tan solution line, but the difference is that she actually made those things happen. Slade’s like an seven year old when you ask what he wants to be when he grows up:
Mine was, “A mermaid!” And thus we have Mermaid Barbie.
So Gretchen ultimately says that Slade can *talk* about fulfilling whatever dream he wants as long as it doesn’t involve her like this last comedy stint did. And also, he must zip-it about the other women in his comedy acts going forward. Slade agrees not to talk about the other women and wonders what it might be like to be a trapeze artist…
Heather meets Tamra for lunch in Newport Beach. Hi Newport, miss you honey. Anywhoo, they go through a little get-to-know-you chit chat, and then some talk about whether or not Bubbies knows she’s not a news anchor, and then they get to the good stuff. Heather tells Tamra about Slade’s little act. This could be seen as a shit-stirring move BUT Heather redeems herself when she downplays the whole thing and offers Tamra a suggestion. Heather says that it was, at worst, dumb. She says it would have been fine if he’d made fun of the whole group instead of just a few, but that making fun of women’s looks is never ok. So when Tamra has her typical knee-jerk reaction and says, “Did he make fun of the fact that he never pays child support and he’s a deadbeat dad?!?!” Heather shuts it down and says “Nooo…but if you want to make up with Gretchen, you should just kill Slade with kindness so that he’s shuts it down, and when he shuts it down it’s going to be a lot easier for everyone to get along.” Much to my pleasant surprise (Tamra is pleasantly surprising me left and right this season) Tamra agrees to this and they clink their white wine glasses on it, which makes it “Housewife Official.”
I love/hate that I even have to talk about this next part. Bubbies sits outside her plastic surgeon’s office, cell phone in her shaky, perfectly manicured hand. She thought she could do this alone, but she just can’t. Gretchen picks up on the other line and -Oh!- she can’t meet her in the next five minutes so she’ll have to do it alone. Alone and with no one, Bubbies faces her fear head-on and marches into the plastic surgeon’s office for her consultation. Oh you thought there was going to be an actual procedure based on her nervousness and dramatic bout of jarring fear? Nope, just having a look-see.
Bubbies, bless her heart, has some nose troubles. She’s got the deviated septum folks. It affects many out there, and is not always associated with having had a coke problem. She also broke her nose on the swing set some years ago. She just couldn’t get the hang of the swinging. Because of these issues, she can only breathe about 20% out of her nose, she has to drain it daily, and she is plagued with chronic sinus infections. She also has a bump on it that she would like to have shaved off but ONLY because she already has these other problems with it. Otherwise she would be too afraid to go under the knife, even though she’s already done it about thirty-seven times.
During the consultation Bubbies starts crying (her tears come out of her nose due to the inside of her face being so effed up) and freaks out on the poor doctor. Now, mind you, he’s just looking at it with a flashlight during this time. Bubbies has a near-meltdown and the doctor finally says what we’re all thinking: “Stop crying Girl, it’s just a nose job.” I laughed out loud. Bubbies comes back with, “But you’re going to have to cut my whole nose off of my face!” Ummm, no wonder the poor dear is so scared! She thought Dr. Niccole was straight up going to Jack the Ripper her nose right off her damn face!! The doctor scoffs again, “No wonder you are so scared. We don’t do that.” This woman is going to have to get smarter or get a more sensitive doctor. Do you remember when the women were asking Heather’s husband plastic surgery questions at the painting party and Bubbies said, “I didn’t need to ask any questions because I know all about plastic surgeries because I’ve worked in a plastic surgeon’s office.” You’re welcome for reminding you that happened.
Gretchen met Bubbies for coffee after her appointment wearing a Blossom hat, and Bubbies shows her how she can’t sniff like a normal person. Gretchen doesn’t really get this, but she’s jealous Bubbies is getting a nose job (only in Orange County or Beverly Hills would someone be jealous someone gets to have a nose job- in NY the women get jealous of other women’s scheduled c-sections). Gretchen isn’t really buying that Bubbies wouldn’t get that bump shaved down if she wasn’t already having to do a full face root canal, but no one is really. The conversation moves to the night of comedy and Bubbies says she thought it was funny, but Gretchen should probably call Tamra to tell her first about Slade’s little bits. Gretchen and her Blossom hat look scared.
We all know VICKI WORKS, but Vicki’s not been quite as worky lately. She can’t concentrate with all of her life problems whirling around in her head. Vicki has this thing where her problems are the worst problems and no one can understand them, and everyone needs to feel sorry for her, but she doesn’t feel sorry for others and I think they call it narcissism. But it’s why we luuuurve her. As she’s telling her assistant Danielle how stressed out and awful she feels, she turns and demands, “Why do you sound like that?!?” Danielle is startled and replies, “Because I’m sick!” An empathetic Vicki comes back with, “Well blow your nose!” That’s the Vicki we know and luuurve.
Gretchen and Slade prove their devotion to us by making the bed together. Slade tells Gretchen that he heard from the Pussy Cat Dolls creator Robin Ankin that she would like to offer Gretchen a role in their burlesque show. Gretchen is apprehensive because she doesn’t want to have an epic fail moment, but we know from the previews she accepts the offer, which, duh.
Another Gretchen scene! You go Glenn Coco. Gretchy and her hairdresser Victor go through items in her closet to see what she could wear to the Bunko ‘80s party. While sifting through, they discuss Gretchen’s new found friendship with Tamra. Speak of the devil, Tamra gives Gretchen a buzz. We all know why. Tamra, for the first time, goes straight to the horse’s mouth to find out the real deal with the Slade comedy atrocity. Gretchen explains that it was all Slade and not her, that they’ve gotten into several fights about it, and she apologizes to Tamra that it happened and that he said it. Tamra was cool about it, saying that if he opened his mouth about her again she would kick him in the balls. Gretchen called one ball and Tamra called another ball so I’m thinking the conversation went well. Tamra and Gretchen just had an adult conversation!! Now please excuse me, I have to go be Ski Barbie in hell, because it’s gone and frozen over.
Tamra brings Vicki coffee to comfort her in her time of coffee-need. She tries to console Vicki whose daughter will be going in for surgery on her thyroid soon. Tamra offers to bring Vicki’s family food, but Vicki says no one is eating. Tamra tells Vicki she looks nice and skinny, and Vicki says, “I’ll never be skinny enough for you and Gretchen and Bubbies.” Whaaaa? Where did that come from? Ohhhh it came from her anger about being called Miss Piggy by Slade. Tamra tries to tell Vicki it’s not worth their attention and they shouldn’t even give it the consideration of a thought. That’s what Heather would say, and Tamra is trying to class it up this season. You go too Glen Coco. Tamra’s convinced she’s got this “kill him with kindness” thing down, but she’s pretty sure Vicki’s going to have a rougher time with it. Boy is that the understatement of the century.
Gretchen and Bubbies get their hair did for Bunko. They get crimped and crunched and curled and they’re ready to go. Heather’s assistant helps her put together a Robert Palmer “Addicted to Love” outfit, and sweet Jim-God I adore her.
Bubbies and Gretchen gab like geese in the limo ride on the way to the partay. Much to Bubbies’ dismay, Gretchen breaks her bestie convo to make a call to Tamra who is in her own limo on her own way. Tamra and Gretchen argue whose hair is uglier, shockingly in the other’s favor.
“You’re hair will be prettier!”
“No you’re hair will be prettier!”
Ok ladies, we get the point.
Everyone begins to arrive to the Bunko House of Cray. Heather makes the ‘80s look glam and fabulous, and everyone wonders why they didn’t think of Robert Palmer. Oh, because none of them knew who the hell that was, which reminded me of Heather’s phone invitations to the painting party.
“A WHAT? A PAINTING? WHAT?!?”
Vicki arrives dressed as ‘80s Miss Piggy – JUST KIDDING! Poor thing. She did look a little cray though. Someone said Peggy Bundy, it wasn’t me. Everyone looked great actually, and as people arrived they were offered a shot of tequila and/or triple-sized margarita, so you knew this was going to get good.
Bunko ensues. My mom, Vintage Barbie, used to throw Bunko parties when I was a little kid and I remember hating it because I would be trying to go to sleep and adult drunk women would be shouting “BUNKO!!!” like every thirty seconds. This was kind of like that but about a hundred times worse. First of all, Bubbies had to praise Camille-Jebus every time she rolled the dice. Heather was like, “Should you be using your religious juju on a dice game?” Heather my dear, that’s the hardly the most offensive thing Bubbies talks to Jebus about. Tamra gives sex toys as prizes because not everything’s changed, and Bubbies puts the nipple tingle cream on as lip gloss because not everything’s changed. Vicki doesn’t like to talk about “pink parts” because some things have changed.
Tamra and Vicki’s favorite gay friend Ricky or Roger or something starts talking loudly about Slade’s act and what he said about Vicki and Tamra. Tamra tries to shut it down, but Ricky Roger didn’t get the memo that they were new besties. Gretchen straight-up calls him out on it and he’s like, “I don’t like what you said about her and her!! And I want my pink shirt back! (that last sentence was a “Mean Girls” reference, you’re welcome)” and Heather stands up for her new friend saying calmly and rather nicely, “I was there Ricky Roger and she did not say anything about them.” Ricky Roger doesn’t quite know what to make of this new stallion with her calmness and her classy ways and he says, “Well what Slade said, and they were up there together!” Bubbies chimes in, “They were never up there together, and they were not together when he said that.” Ricky Roger doesn’t know what to do now, with his painted black fingernails and his fauxhawk. Gretchen tells him that she wanted nothing to do with that and it’s caused fights among the lovers and he should shut the hell up about stuff he knows nothing about and these are all truths my friends. Tamra wants NONE of this, it does not fit in with her “killing with kindness” plan so she shuts it down quick in one tubular and totally rad move. She brings in the men all dressed in ‘80s gear including Slade as the 1980s version of Joe Dirt, Eddie as Eddie in a wig, and Terri as a member of Kiss without the make-up. This only lightens the mood momentarily, mind you. Part Two of ‘80s Bunko promises to bring the drama to our living rooms, one F-bomb at a time.
Next week, Bunko concludes- at midnight they all turn into gremlins, Briana heads to her surgery, and Bubbies cries some more over the tragedy that is her nose job. Until next week my friends…
Friday, March 2, 2012
Sorry I’m late yet again Friends, but this time I have a valid excuse! I was Sick BarbieTM, tissues and Dayquil sold separately. But I’m back and I’m ready, and that is all that matters now, isn’t it. Let us begin…
Tamra ding dongs Vicki’s doorbell so they can gab and eat eggs together. Egg whites only for Tamra, know that. Immediately Tamra asks Vicki why she didn’t say goodbye to her after the painting party. Way to be subtle Tamra. Vicki’s like, “I was over everybody.” Vicki is over everybody when she’s not the center of attention or the belle of the ball. It’s totally fine too because that’s how adults act. Clearly, Vicki was pissed at Tamra for being friendly with Gretchen and not making her privy to the fact that they were now being nice to Gretchen. If you’re confused and think I’m talking about the movie “Mean Girls” here, I’m referring to Gretchen Rossi not Gretchen Weiners.
Vicki actually cracked me up in this scene. She thinks “it’s weird!” that Tamra slung mad and grime at Gretchen the last however many seasons (which you supported and joined in on Vicki) and now decides she’s just going to be friends with her. OK so now that Tamra’s all happy and wants to be cool with Gretchen (and not because producers told them if they don’t squash this one or both are going buh-bye) Vicki’s afraid that she’s going to be squeezed out. Vicki tries to give Tamra a taste of her own medicine by joking that she’s besties with Bubbies now. When Tamra tells Vicki that she and Gretchen went shopping at a sex store, Vicki looks like she’s going to implode. She’s doing the weird lock-jaw head shake again. Tamra shows Vicki what she got her a the sex store, letting her know she was thinking about her on her outing with her new bestie. Vicki’s like, “That’s not Biblical,” and Tamra has the best line of the night, “Oh Gawd, you have been hanging out with Bubbies.” Vicki also says that sex toys are for couples who are not in luuurve who are trying to get back in luuuurve and Tamra has the second best line of the night, “So you used them with Donn?” Then Vicki has an honorable mention line when she receives a text message and tells Tamra it’s Bubbies and she’ll see her at four-o-clock. The oven clock read three-o-clock. I enjoyed this scene.
Heather and Bubbies meet for lunch at a quaint little sushi spot. Heather and Bubbies are like little dogs (Bubbies is a Dalmation, Heather a Boston Terrier) sniffing each other’s behinds to get a better sense of who the other is. Bubbies tells Heather she’s a news anchor. Let’s talk about that for a moment. Do you think Bubbies purposefully exaggerated what she does for San Diego’s reject news station or do you think she doesn’t know what an anchor is? I think both, plus she was cray nervous. Did you notice that? Poor girl could barely form a sentence, which means Peggy was right! Heather picks up on this right away because she’s smart and she knows there is no way in Satan’s hell that Bubbies is a news anchor. She asks, “So are you more like a Jillian Barberie or a Katie Couric?” You can see the little hamster wheel a’whirlin and a’twirlin in poor Bubbies’ head. “A Jillian Beerbeeer-y,” she says after some thought, clearly having no clue who that is but knowing full well that she is no Katie Couric. Heather says Bubbies is “not cerebral” and I’m stealing that from her because I luuurve it. Heather asks how she tackles all those rugrats with a news anchor job (ha) and Bubbies launches into how she still does everything, yada yada, and how Jim-God controls the universe, yada yada….and Heather’s like, “WHAT? What do you mean he’s in charge?” and Bubbies starts stuttering, “Well, no I mean, but yeah well you know anyway…what do you guys do for fun?” and Heather says, “We love wine,” and Bubbies stutters, “Oh yeah wine, well wine you know, you know wine…double edged sword….hahahaha,” and we all look to Heather for guidance but she just has wide eyes and a look of confusion. Heather calls Bubbies out on trying to “shut her down” at the painting party about her not wanting to talk about lurid sex details and Bubbies said she was joking. Heather says Bubbies should know she’s a “jokey” person too, and Bubbies says, “Well maybe we have more in common than we think!” Cut to Heather’s interview where she tells us they both have twins, and they’re both women, and that’s about it for their common things. You both also luuurve a good plastic surgeon!
Slade is ruining the comedy circuit by trying to be funny in front of an audience. Oh Slade. He’s a Jack of All Trades, this one. He’s a mortgage broker, an ex-boyfriend who is trying to find a man for his ex-girlfriend (Please don’t ever forget the tragedy that was “Date my Ex”), a housewife hunter, a painter, a luggage carrier/somebody’s bitch, and now a comedian! Even his own mother is sick of his antics, which she makes clear in this scene. Momma throws Slade some shade when he tries to unleash the funny on her. She says the Chihuahuas are more entertaining than he is. Which is true. Slade realizes his humor is lost on his mother (too bad he didn’t realize it was lost on everyone everywhere) and instead tries to get serious with her. He asks what she thinks about him proposing to Gretchen. She says, “ohh nooooooo.” This may or may not be because Slade proposes to anything wearing a wig that moves. She basically says it’s not Gretchen, it’s him. I am luuurving Slade’s mom.
Tamra and Eddie, I mean Baby Baby and Baby, are walking their dog and discussing things and stuff. Eddie brings up the fact that Tamra’s lease is up soon, and maybe since half her stuff stays at his house she should stay there too. Tamra’s a bit apprehensive about this, and for good reason. She’s got two marriages under her belt now and is hoping the third one’s the charm. To ensure that is the case, in the words of Mrs. Doubtfire, she’s going to let her sheets cool before she let’s someone else in the bed. Well, not quite. She’s going to let the garage cool before she let’s someone drive their car into it? I don’t know, nevermind. Anywhoo, she tells him she’ll think about it.
Slade’s just hangin’ on the couch, doing some research for his comedy routine, if you could call it that. Gretchen has a peak-see and realizes that Slade’s act is based on “news” clippings on internet blogging not-at-all-news sites about Tamra and Vicki. He finds a very unflattering picture of Tamra and compares her to the Michelin Man. Then he starts ragging on Vicki’s new boy toy’s child support woes and other such nonsense. Gretchen doesn’t like this one bit. She’s trying to make everything right with the women and he’s going to tear them apart onstage. She asks Slade to reconsider his act and to take her feelings into account. He says he will, and then promptly does not.
Come the evening of the comedy show, Slade tells Gretchen she actually has to intertwine comedy into her hosting, and she goes bananas. She goes bananas in the bathroom about seventeen times before the show. Poor thing, I totally feel for her. Whenever I’m super nervous and have anxiety I might as well set up a mini-fridge and a cot in the bathroom because that’s where you’ll find me. I’m not going to the bathroom of course, I don’t do that. I’m Barbie.
Before the show begins, Bubbies and Jim-God, Sarah the mystery cast member and her creepster fiancé, and Heather and Terri line up in the front row for the show. Heather tells Bubbies she used to do stand-up for a short while and it’s the hardest thing she’s ever done. Bubbies’ brain does back-flips, and she says to us in an interview, “She’s an actress, singer, in a band, and she does stand-up comedy, was she in cirque de soleil too? Because I can clean, make lunches, football feed two babies at one time, and make a mean meatloaf.” Bravo Bubbies. That was funny. But what in the hell is “football feeding”? I just pictured her chucking mini corn dogs through the backyard into their mouths yelling, “Go long!”
The show begins and Gretchen comes out in a prison uniform, as frightened as she would have been if she were actually incarcerated. I don’t understand the prison jumpsuit, but I think it pertained to a joke that never made it out of her mouth. In fact, I gathered that her delivery was lacking about half the set-up on her jokes, making them fall flat. You got to give the kid a break, she’s not the one who thinks she has a future in this (*cough* Slade *cough* delusional). Well, as Gretchen and I always say, when all else fails get naked. Gretchen strips down to her bikini and the crowd goes wild. Too bad for Slade he doesn’t have Gretchen’s body…
When Gretchen finally introduces the first real comedian and gets to exit the stage, the female comic comes out and says to the audience, “What the fuck was that?” to which everyone bursts into laughter and Terri whispers to Heather, “It’s like she pulled the words from my brain.” Jim-God I luuurve Terri.
Let’s take a break from the awkward tingles and cut to Tamra and Eddie having dinner at one of those fancy fondue places. Don’t judge Tamra for going out for fondue and then ordering a chicken breast you guys. Apparently it was the night of the big black-out in SoCal and that was the only place that had power. I know this because she explained it in a Facebook post. I guess she was getting a bunch of crap for it and felt the need to defend herself. Anywhoo, Simon won’t sign the divorce papers even though he lives with another woman. Eddie says it’s because he still luuurves her which is probably true, but you know he just doesn’t want to give her the satisfaction. Tamra tells Eddie, though she luuuurves him enough to not put other dudes’ hands on her tatas anymore, she can’t move in with him yet because of her children. She doesn’t want to uproot them anymore than they have already been uprooted and wants to put their needs before hers. She also doesn’t want to make any sudden moves, and would like to establish herself on her own before becoming part of a couple again. Can we get a slow clap for Tamra?
I will reluctantly return to talking about Slade’s comedy routine. He made it all about Housewives which is SO stupid because -HELLO!- not everyone watches the show and reads Perez Hilton you idiot. So he has this bit on how he hunts for housewives which is terrible. Bubbies thought it was hysterical so if that tells you anthing…
Then, crushing Gretchen’s wishes, he laid into Tamra. He put that gnarly picture of her up on the screen and made the joke about her being the new Michelin Man. First of all, fat jokes? REALLY?? Second of all, how many times have we all heard the Michelin Man comparison? Then he brings up a picture of Vicki, alludes to her having cheated on Donn (?), and then says she’s gotten complete reconstructive surgery and now looks like Miss Piggy. First of all with this one, if you say she got complete reconstructive surgery to look like Miss Piggy, aren’t you saying she didn’t look like Miss Piggy before and doesn’t that then contradict the joke you were trying to make that Vicki resembles Miss Piggy? Second of all, Miss Piggy is a Jim-Goddamn icon and that is really more of a compliment than an insult so poo on you Slade. Poo on you.
Gretchen is standing backstage seething. She’s piiiiiissed, as well she should be! Heather and Terry come back stage to say hi. Heather is her lovely self, saying they did a good job for their first time because stand-up is super difficult. Terri says he loved the bikini. Have I told you lately I luuurve Terri? Heather gives Gretchen a solid 4 out of 10 in her interview, and Slade a quivering 3. I thought that was generous and gracious of her. Bubbies and Jim-God come back and say they luuuurved the show. When Gretchen asks Bubbies if Slade was too harsh Bubbies says it was funny and they dish it so they should be able to take it. Slade says, “I’m just delivering the news!” I find this SO OBNOXIOUS because NO YOU ARE NOT!!!! It is NOT news that Vicki had reconstructive surgery and looks like Miss Piggy now. That is not news. That didn’t even fucking happen Slade, you moron. Tamra Barney being “doughy” in a picture is not the news!! Seriously Slade, publicly insulting these forty-something year old women just validates and justifies all the shit they talk about you. Are you fourteen?? Give it a rest.
Vicki and her daughter Briana have dinner and catch up. Briana asks about Donn and tries to talk her mom into taking some time to be by herself before jumping into another relationship. Vicki doesn’t want advice. Then Briana talks about the health problems she’s been having. Apparently she has to have her thyroid removed because it has lumps all over it. Yikes. She’s been having issues with that for years and it sounds like it’s come to a head. She says they have to remove the whole thyroid in order to look for cancer because they have to be able to poke around the entire thing. Vicki doesn’t want to talk about the C-word. Also, Vicki may or may not have herpes on her mouth (all cold sores are a form of herpes and we all must accept that). Vicki doesn’t want herpes.
We end this episode with Gretchen thisclose to naked wasted in the car ride home with Slade telling him she’s livid he went after the ladies like that when she had asked him not to. She slurs, “Then you call the bitches and tell them but keep me out of it!” She doesn’t want to be blamed for what happened or be forced into the middle, and it seems we find out soon that her fears are not far-fetched…
Next week Tamra hosts an ‘80s themed bunko party and the shit hits the fan ‘80s style (which means with crimped hair). Until then my luuurves, have an awesome weekend!