Friday, March 9, 2012

Oh Yes It’s Ladies Night, Oh Whata Oh Whata Night

There is nothing like an ‘80s themed Bunko Party to get the drama flowing.  Let us begin…
We open this episode with Gretchen and Slade in the Range Rover driving down the 5 or the 405 or the…nope, has to be one of those.  Slade tells Gretchen he has found his new calling in the comedy circuit, and he’s going to launch a touring career.  Gretchen, having pretty much the same reaction as we the viewers, says, “He just…he wants…What?  No.”  My sentiments exactly.  Gretchen doesn’t like how Slade comes up with all these new passions.  Remember when he wanted to be a painter?  Stop laughing, it makes it harder to read.  Gretchen sort of did the same thing with her make-up line, then hand bag line, then spray tan solution line, but the difference is that she actually made those things happen.  Slade’s like an seven year old when you ask what he wants to be when he grows up:
“An astronaut!”
“The President!”
“A painter!”
“A comedian!”
Mine was, “A mermaid!” And thus we have Mermaid Barbie.
So Gretchen ultimately says that Slade can *talk* about fulfilling whatever dream he wants as long as it doesn’t involve her like this last comedy stint did.  And also, he must zip-it about the other women in his comedy acts going forward.  Slade agrees not to talk about the other women and wonders what it might be like to be a trapeze artist…

Heather meets Tamra for lunch in Newport Beach.  Hi Newport, miss you honey.  Anywhoo, they go through a little get-to-know-you chit chat, and then some talk about whether or not Bubbies knows she’s not a news anchor, and then they get to the good stuff.  Heather tells Tamra about Slade’s little act.  This could be seen as a shit-stirring move BUT Heather redeems herself when she downplays the whole thing and offers Tamra a suggestion.  Heather says that it was, at worst, dumb.  She says it would have been fine if he’d made fun of the whole group instead of just a few, but that making fun of women’s looks is never ok.  So when Tamra has her typical knee-jerk reaction and says, “Did he make fun of the fact that he never pays child support and he’s a deadbeat dad?!?!” Heather shuts it down and says “Nooo…but if you want to make up with Gretchen, you should just kill Slade with kindness so that he’s shuts it down, and when he shuts it down it’s going to be a lot easier for everyone to get along.”  Much to my pleasant surprise (Tamra is pleasantly surprising me left and right this season) Tamra agrees to this and they clink their white wine glasses on it, which makes it “Housewife Official.”
I love/hate that I even have to talk about this next part.  Bubbies sits outside her plastic surgeon’s office, cell phone in her shaky, perfectly manicured hand.  She thought she could do this alone, but she just can’t.  Gretchen picks up on the other line and -Oh!- she can’t meet her in the next five minutes so she’ll have to do it alone.  Alone and with no one, Bubbies faces her fear head-on and marches into the plastic surgeon’s office for her consultation.  Oh you thought there was going to be an actual procedure based on her nervousness and dramatic bout of jarring fear?  Nope, just having a look-see.

Bubbies, bless her heart, has some nose troubles.  She’s got the deviated septum folks.  It affects many out there, and is not always associated with having had a coke problem.  She also broke her nose on the swing set some years ago.  She just couldn’t get the hang of the swinging.  Because of these issues, she can only breathe about 20% out of her nose, she has to drain it daily, and she is plagued with chronic sinus infections.  She also has a bump on it that she would like to have shaved off but ONLY because she already has these other problems with it.  Otherwise she would be too afraid to go under the knife, even though she’s already done it about thirty-seven times.   
During the consultation Bubbies starts crying (her tears come out of her nose due to the inside of her face being so effed up) and freaks out on the poor doctor.  Now, mind you, he’s just looking at it with a flashlight during this time.  Bubbies has a near-meltdown and the doctor finally says what we’re all thinking:  “Stop crying Girl, it’s just a nose job.”  I laughed out loud.  Bubbies comes back with, “But you’re going to have to cut my whole nose off of my face!”  Ummm, no wonder the poor dear is so scared!  She thought Dr. Niccole was straight up going to Jack the Ripper her nose right off her damn face!!  The doctor scoffs again, “No wonder you are so scared.  We don’t do that.”  This woman is going to have to get smarter or get a more sensitive doctor.  Do you remember when the women were asking Heather’s husband plastic surgery questions at the painting party and Bubbies said, “I didn’t need to ask any questions because I know all about plastic surgeries because I’ve worked in a plastic surgeon’s office.”  You’re welcome for reminding you that happened.
Gretchen met Bubbies for coffee after her appointment wearing a Blossom hat, and Bubbies shows her how she can’t sniff like a normal person.  Gretchen doesn’t really get this, but she’s jealous Bubbies is getting a nose job (only in Orange County or Beverly Hills would someone be jealous someone gets to have a nose job- in NY the women get jealous of other women’s scheduled c-sections).  Gretchen isn’t really buying that Bubbies wouldn’t get that bump shaved down if she wasn’t already having to do a full face root canal, but no one is really.  The conversation moves to the night of comedy and Bubbies says she thought it was funny, but Gretchen should probably call Tamra to tell her first about Slade’s little bits.  Gretchen and her Blossom hat look scared.
We all know VICKI WORKS, but Vicki’s not been quite as worky lately.  She can’t concentrate with all of her life problems whirling around in her head.  Vicki has this thing where her problems are the worst problems and no one can understand them, and everyone needs to feel sorry for her, but she doesn’t feel sorry for others and I think they call it narcissism.  But it’s why we luuuurve her.  As she’s telling her assistant Danielle how stressed out and awful she feels, she turns and demands, “Why do you sound like that?!?”  Danielle is startled and replies, “Because I’m sick!”  An empathetic Vicki comes back with, “Well blow your nose!”  That’s the Vicki we know and luuurve.
Gretchen and Slade prove their devotion to us by making the bed together.  Slade tells Gretchen that he heard from the Pussy Cat Dolls creator Robin Ankin that she would like to offer Gretchen a role in their burlesque show.  Gretchen is apprehensive because she doesn’t want to have an epic fail moment, but we know from the previews she accepts the offer, which, duh. 
Another Gretchen scene!  You go Glenn Coco.  Gretchy and her hairdresser Victor go through items in her closet to see what she could wear to the Bunko ‘80s party.  While sifting through, they discuss Gretchen’s new found friendship with Tamra.  Speak of the devil, Tamra gives Gretchen a buzz.  We all know why.  Tamra, for the first time, goes straight to the horse’s mouth to find out the real deal with the Slade comedy atrocity.  Gretchen explains that it was all Slade and not her, that they’ve gotten into several fights about it, and she apologizes to Tamra that it happened and that he said it.  Tamra was cool about it, saying that if he opened his mouth about her again she would kick him in the balls.  Gretchen called one ball and Tamra called another ball so I’m thinking the conversation went well.  Tamra and Gretchen just had an adult conversation!!  Now please excuse me, I have to go be Ski Barbie in hell, because it’s gone and frozen over.
Tamra brings Vicki coffee to comfort her in her time of coffee-need.  She tries to console Vicki whose daughter will be going in for surgery on her thyroid soon.  Tamra offers to bring Vicki’s family food, but Vicki says no one is eating.  Tamra tells Vicki she looks nice and skinny, and Vicki says, “I’ll never be skinny enough for you and Gretchen and Bubbies.”  Whaaaa?  Where did that come from?  Ohhhh it came from her anger about being called Miss Piggy by Slade.  Tamra tries to tell Vicki it’s not worth their attention and they shouldn’t even give it the consideration of a thought.  That’s what Heather would say, and Tamra is trying to class it up this season.  You go too Glen Coco.  Tamra’s convinced she’s got this “kill him with kindness” thing down, but she’s pretty sure Vicki’s going to have a rougher time with it.  Boy is that the understatement of the century.
Gretchen and Bubbies get their hair did for Bunko.  They get crimped and crunched and curled and they’re ready to go.  Heather’s assistant helps her put together a Robert Palmer “Addicted to Love” outfit, and sweet Jim-God I adore her. 
Bubbies and Gretchen gab like geese in the limo ride on the way to the partay.  Much to Bubbies’ dismay, Gretchen breaks her bestie convo to make a call to Tamra who is in her own limo on her own way.  Tamra and Gretchen argue whose hair is uglier, shockingly in the other’s favor.
“You’re hair will be prettier!”
“No you’re hair will be prettier!”
Ok ladies, we get the point.
Everyone begins to arrive to the Bunko House of Cray.  Heather makes the ‘80s look glam and fabulous, and everyone wonders why they didn’t think of Robert Palmer.  Oh, because none of them knew who the hell that was, which reminded me of Heather’s phone invitations to the painting party.
 Vicki arrives dressed as ‘80s Miss Piggy – JUST KIDDING!  Poor thing.  She did look a little cray though.  Someone said Peggy Bundy, it wasn’t me.  Everyone looked great actually, and as people arrived they were offered a shot of tequila and/or triple-sized margarita, so you knew this was going to get good.
Bunko ensues.  My mom, Vintage Barbie, used to throw Bunko parties when I was a little kid and I remember hating it because I would be trying to go to sleep and adult drunk women would be shouting “BUNKO!!!” like every thirty seconds.  This was kind of like that but about a hundred times worse.  First of all, Bubbies had to praise Camille-Jebus every time she rolled the dice.  Heather was like, “Should you be using your religious juju on a dice game?”  Heather my dear, that’s the hardly the most offensive thing Bubbies talks to Jebus about.  Tamra gives sex toys as prizes because not everything’s changed, and Bubbies puts the nipple tingle cream on as lip gloss because not everything’s changed.    Vicki doesn’t like to talk about “pink parts” because some things have changed. 

Tamra and Vicki’s favorite gay friend Ricky or Roger or something starts talking loudly about Slade’s act and what he said about Vicki and Tamra.  Tamra tries to shut it down, but Ricky Roger didn’t get the memo that they were new besties.  Gretchen straight-up calls him out on it and he’s like, “I don’t like what you said about her and her!!  And I want my pink shirt back! (that last sentence was a “Mean Girls” reference, you’re welcome)” and Heather stands up for her new friend saying calmly and rather nicely, “I was there Ricky Roger and she did not say anything about them.”  Ricky Roger doesn’t quite know what to make of this new stallion with her calmness and her classy ways and he says, “Well what Slade said, and they were up there together!”  Bubbies chimes in, “They were never up there together, and they were not together when he said that.”  Ricky Roger doesn’t know what to do now, with his painted black fingernails and his fauxhawk.  Gretchen tells him that she wanted nothing to do with that and it’s caused fights among the lovers and he should shut the hell up about stuff he knows nothing about and these are all truths my friends.  Tamra wants NONE of this, it does not fit in with her “killing with kindness” plan so she shuts it down quick in one tubular and totally rad move.  She brings in the men all dressed in ‘80s gear including Slade as the 1980s version of Joe Dirt, Eddie as Eddie in a wig, and Terri as a member of Kiss without the make-up.  This only lightens the mood momentarily, mind you.  Part Two of ‘80s Bunko promises to bring the drama to our living rooms, one F-bomb at a time.

Next week, Bunko concludes- at midnight they all turn into gremlins, Briana heads to her surgery, and Bubbies cries some more over the tragedy that is her nose job.  Until next week my friends…

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