Wednesday, March 12, 2014

Parties, Apologies, and Pinot: Real Housewives of New York is Back

Let’s skip right over the part where I haven’t blogged in like a year.  I think the important thing is that I missed you all.  (Picture my tiny, cold plastic hand hard-caressing your cheek since I can’t actually move it as I say that, because that’s what I’m doing in my head to each and every one of you- you’re welcome)
This looks like it may be a tolerable season, and there’s something about the New York franchise I have a soft spot for (watching Ramona be completely insane).  So without further adieu, let’s talk about this opening episode…

I think it’s only appropriate to start with these shockingly terrible tag-lines:

“If you’re going to talk about me behind my back, at least check out my great ass.” –Carole

Et tu, Carole?  You were the cool one, remember?  You thought all of this was a huge joke and you never took any of it seriously, instead choosing to make it a campy, caricature version of its….ah ha, I get it.

“When people tell me I’m fake, I know they’re just pulling my leg.” – Aviva (I don’t know how to spell this crazy bitch’s name so it’s Aviva in this blog). 
Oh Aviva, you just won’t let us forget about that leg no matter how much you want us to forget about that leg.

“A true New Yorker never backs down, and I’m no exception.  Holla!”  - Heather

Yo Second Season Heather, I’m really happy for you and I’m gonna let you finish, but First Season Heather had one of the best “Hollas” of all time.  OF ALL TIME!  (Sidenote: my autocorrect told me “Holla” was actually the word “Jolla” which isn’t even a word in the English dictionary- that’s how badly autocorrect doesn’t want grown women saying the word “Holla!”)

“I may not be the sharpest tool in the shed, but I’m preeeeeettyyyyyy!”  -Kristen

There are no words.

“Get the Pinot ready because it’s Turtle Time.”  -Ramona

I’m always ready for Turtle Time, you nut.

“Sometimes Sonja has to go commando, what can I say?”  -Sonja

Go home Sonja, you’re drunk.

Well those are just a new kind of terrible, I think we can all agree.  Remember the first few seasons of Real Housewives of Orange County where their tag-lines were actual quotes they said during the season and not manufactured one-liners written by an orangutan with a desire for revenge because he thinks Vicki Gunvalsen stole his look?  Remember those days?  I digress…

We start with Carole and Heather at Carole’s author picture photo shoot.  Make sure you’re sitting down because I’m about to say something nice: These two seem like actual, real-life, not fakity-fake-fake friends, and I like it.  Apparently Carole and Russ broke up which we knew was going to happen so, yawn.  But despite her affinity to hot pants paired with no bra, Carole is an animal of monogamy and she’s holding out for a hero.  Whatever, Carole’s love life is boring, let’s talk about how much the photographer hated Heather.  Can we talk about that?  Next time I’m annoyed with someone, I don’t care who they are, I’m going to look them dead in the eyes and say, “How about you go sit over there.”
Cut to Ramona and Sonja being as crazy as ever.  These two are on some other kind of menopausal drug, amma right?  So Sonja tripped and fell on a gay and that gay cut her hair to look-a-like Ramona’s because he is THE BEST.  You go Glenn Coco.  It’s literally the exact same hair cut.  Ramona’s trying to be edited so she was just subtle about it, “YOU LOOK JUST LIKE ME OMG YOU BITCH!!!!! Hahahahahahaha just kidding, but not really!”  But Sonja don’t give a shit because Sonja with a sexy “j” is dating all the men.  All the men in the land.  And some of them are mad at each other but Sonja don’t give a shit.  Sometimes she’s just goes commando and dates e’rybody.  Who cares?  Oh, but sad-face Ramona is sad because Avery is leaving for college soon.  Do you guys remember that movie with the late Brittany Murphy and child-star Dakota Fanning, “Uptown Girls?”  I’m pretty sure Avery is the seventeen year old version of Dakota Fanning’s character.  Anyway, Sonja thinks Ramona shouldn’t be sad about these silly things like her child leaving home and that she should just start walking her own dog and get over it.  This coming from a woman who employs thirty-six interns to wipe her ass for free.
It’s Heather’s b-day party and yo-yo-you-know, she’s got all the old industry peeps there ready to celebrate straight-up Diddy style by poppin’ open some Cristal (that’s the brand name of my birth control so I can no longer think of it as fancy) and pour some out for their homies.  Did you know Heather knows PDiddy?  Back when he was Puff Daddy though, so totes different I guess since neither Did nor Dad was at the party.  Sonja brings a date from the Make-a-Wish foundation (sorry, had to do it).  Sonja has as many men as interns and they’re all completely useless.  Can you imagine that guy in the sack?  “I don’t like when people talk about my age! wahhh What goes in there? durrrrr”  Sonja, honey, I highly suggest trying someone on who is BETWEEN the ages of 20 and 80.  Extremes are not always a good thing.
Everyone meet Kristen.  She a mom/model/bosser of nannies.  Isn’t she preeeeeeettyyyyyy?  Her husband is Josh, who she sort of hates.  He’s an entrepreneur.  They make a great team except when she’s hating him.  She also hates her kids just a little bit.  She would like to write a book called, “I Love My Kids but This Fucking Sucks!”  So that’s sweet. 
OMG here comes Avivaaaaaaaaa!  This woman is upside-down-in-a-cave bat shit crazy.  She’s like an episode of “American Horror Story.”  While Aviva is at the party, she hits up Carole, in front of other people, to help her write her own memoir, and actually Carole, can you edit it?  Just a little.  No pressure, she just asked you in front of strangers at a party.  Oh, and she hasn’t seen you in like six months but yeah.  Can you start Monday?  Crazy Town also hits up Sonja to let her know that she’s sowwwwwwry she said that Sonja was a pathetic slut of an alcoholic, she didn’t mean it!  Sonja, being the little kitten-hearted pathetic slut of an alcoholic that she is, accepts this apology right away.  A win for Crazy!  Aviva then goes in for the kill on Ramona but Ramona is jaded as all hell so she’s not as easy a nut to crack.  She was eerily calm and make-sense though; did anyone else think Aviva was about to be New York’s forty-seventh stabbing death in 2013?  Aviva tells Ramona that Ramona’s got a couple years on her, so she wants her to “show her the way.”  WTF?  She wants them to inspire each other, to lift each other up.  More than anything, Aviva just wants a hug.  The entire time you could see that Ramona was genuinely frightened by this Jekyll and Hyde and I had to conclude that Aviva is hands-down, and I’m counting Kelly Bensimon, the craziest bitch ever to appear on this franchise because if you can stand there and make Ramona look like the normal one, you belong in an institution eating out of a straw.  Now let’s celebrate our differences.
Cut to Kristen waiting on her darling husband on their date night.  I’ll have you all know, a certain favorite friend of mine, let’s just call her Skipper, accidentally kept me waiting by myself in a restaurant for 30 minutes because her dentist appointment ran way over.  You know what I did?  I drank a martini, ordered her one, then drank hers.  Then she felt so bad she ended up paying the tab for dinner.  It’s a win-win-win you guys.  This Kristen chick isn’t quite as easy going.  Josh walks in, Kristen berates him incessantly for being late and making her look like a lonely embarrassed dumb-dumb, then he gives her a pair of diamonds earrings, she relents and quite literally offers him a blow job.  Ok, in case you didn’t know, this woman is best friends with Brandi Glanville.  It’s all coming together in your head now, isn’t it.
The Tea Party at Sonja’s house is pretty much what we’ve come to expect.  Twenty-seven different types of tea sandwiches and not a plate in sight.  Does this remind anyone else of the pretty toaster oven box without a toaster to live in it?  We meet Sonja’s interns who can’t hear doorbells nor open champagne (YOU’RE FUCKING FIRED) and also meet Sonja’s new replacement dog that is not Milou, no no.  Milou would never lick the jam out of the tiny jam dish sitting innocently on the table ready to be spread across- oop!-there’s no toast.

Uhhhh, can we talk about Hat Lady for a fucking hot second?  Did she just get a chemical peel?  WEAR MAKE-UP!  The ladies start talking shit about Aviva because what else is Tea Time for, and this lady pipes in with just the BEST advice. 

“Feel her soul, not her personality,” she chimes.  “Mantra to yourself, ‘I’m not my thoughts, I’m not my job,” she coos.  “It is not our character revealed when the chips are down,” she offers.  Thanks Hat Lady.  Now here’s some powder and an upper.
Frick and Frack end up arguing practically to the death about Aviva.  While Sonja wants to forgive and move on swiftly, Ramona has dug her heels in the sand and will never, ever, ever forgive Aviva and how dare Sonja, as her friend, even suggest it!  When she’s over someone, she’s over someone, which leads me to….

Ramona agrees to have drinks with Aviva after a nicely-worded phone call Aviva has her fourth personality, the nice one, make to the Singer Residence.  Ramona arrives to the cocktail date, and sits down to Aviva immediately pouring on the compliments like hot wax on a bikini line.  Aviva tells Ramona, “I noticed at the party you look amazing,” followed by, “You’re hair looks sooooo good, it’s like….whiter….” followed by, “Let’s do tequila shots!  I have never done shots but I’m going to for the first time to prove to you that you can trust me,” and then she sprinkles in some sex jokes and a couple of hair tosses like that’s going to work…. Oop!  It does!  Ramona says all is forgiven after Aviva admits she was utterly wrong and completely psychotic in St. Barts.  But something tells me we’re not getting off the Aviva Crazy Train any time soon.  Woot Woot!  All aboard?

Until next time my lovelies,

Thursday, March 28, 2013

Renewals, Regrets, Rehashing, and Resnick Regurgitating Rumors

Welcome back my lovelies!  Here I am, as promised.  And I’m even semi-on-time, so I hope you were sitting down when you opened this site because that was probably quite shocking. 
Ahhh, the finale.  It’s about gawddamn time.  We left off where Faye Resnick told Brandi that Adrienne and Paul’s divorce was all her fault.  Good lord, this Brandi character must be a powerful woman in Faye’s world.  She caused the demise of Kim on Game Night, sending her into a downward spiral that probably caused her to hit a rock bottom giving her that final kick she needed to bounce back into rehab (the NERVE) and here she is ruining marriages.  To top it all off, she could have destroyed Porscha’s tiny life had the child woken up in the middle of the night to find the tawdry events occurring in her pink pony bathroom, of all things good and holy.  She’s the tall, blonde, sailor-mouthed spawn of Satan is what she is.
The conversation moves away from Faye because she’s as annoying as a hemorrhoid that asks stupid questions (there is such a thing btw, as stupid questions I mean- I'm saying they're all lying to you).  Marisa claims she meant no harm spouting off that text to the women at Adrienne’s The Devil Wear Maloof Hoofs party.  Brandi forgives her, Yolanda’s over it (she met her contract quota of at least one scene of drama in the final episode) and Marisa is all like, “Now which guy at this party am I going to have sex with that isn’t my husband….”
After Faye was asked to leave the conversation between Yo-Yo, B-Dawg and Captain-Wants-to-Cheat, she scattered like a roach looking for some other trash she could devour.  She settled on our Vanderqueen, the Vanderhost of this Vanderevent.  I mean, it’s only natural to want to accost the hostess who is also renewing her vows later in the evening, at least it is in Faye’s sick and cruel world.  Faye thinks Lisa uses Brandi as her “mouthpiece” and Lisa thinks Faye acts as Kyle’s “mouthpiece” and every time any one of them uses the word “mouthpiece” it makes me want to wring their throatpiece.
Lisa thinks Faye accusing her of using a “mouthpiece” is “such an insult.”  Faye’s like, “I wasn’t trying to insult you honey, I was just trying to insult you honey.”  Meanwhile, the freaking peanut gallery is off to the side spectating and speculating.  After whispering to one another for five minutes, “Are they talking?  What are they talking about?  Are they fighting?  What are they fighting about?  Their mouths are moving and sounds are coming out, but are they talking?” they all come over and surround the two women because that always calms everything down.
Yolanda, still meeting her contractual obligations to stir up the poo after a season of mostly zen lemon picking, calls out Faye for doing the very same thing she is criticizing others for doing.  Oh my dearest, dearest Lemon Duchess: Do not thou try to talkith sense into the likes of the Resnick dragon, she knoweth not what she saysith.  Lisa is still waiting for Kyle to come to her defense against Faye, but alas, Faye is her children’s godmother and has been a friend for twenty years and is her interior designer and all these things keep Kyle from coming to Lisa’s defense.  Kyle, sweetie, you had your shot to look good in the finale and you blew it.  Defending Faye is like defending Hitler.  It’s an argument no one is going to let you win (except Faye, or Hitler).
In addition to looking like the world’s worst friend, Kyle also ends up getting called out for being the world’s worst sister, by her own sister.  Kim for the life of her cannot understand why Kyle was willing to forgive Brandi so quickly after “Game Night” but seems to be defending Adrienne against Brandi infinitely.  I think the booze and drugs have messed with Kim’s brain, I’m not kidding.  Kyle was a crazy BITCH on “Game Night” trying to defend her sister who was either high on something or coming down from something and hiding people’s crutches and calling them "slut pigs" and stuff and things.  Then she continued to defend her pretty much until she viewed the episode and/or when fans turned completely against her and she hired a PR team.  In addition, Kyle has not been awful to Brandi whatsoever while defending Adrienne in “SurroGate” so I don’t know what Kim is trying to say here.  I don’t even think Kim knows what Kim is trying to say here though so we’re going to move on…
Suddenly a cloud creeps over Villa Rosa and the splattered pink hues turn a grayish, ominous color and the winds of change pick up.  Suddenly the romantic atmosphere turns to something much darker, much more litigious.  The Maloof shuffles through the grand double glass doors and into what was, before her arrival, a party.  She is greeted immediately by a flock of crows who disguise themselves in tears, but are secretly waiting for her to die so they can pick at her bones.  Because if you were not already aware, Maloof and her husband, her caged rabbit of a husband, announced their separation to the press the morning of Lisa’s vow renewal party.  For all of you Negative Nancies out there, this was just a coincidence (yeah right). 
So Adrienne not so subtly, all puffy and red and wearing her Susie-Sad-Face she puts on when she knows humans would be feeling sad and therefore she should pretend to as well, plops herself upon Lisa’s couch making sure she rubs all of her fake tan off on it.  The two Richards sisters and the third sister Mauricio sat on the couch and cried with Adrienne and put their sad faces on as well, and of course Camille came over with her practiced sad face and gave Adrienne a big hug ("Uh oh...somebody's cryyyying").  The whole thing was pretty awkward considering they were at a vow-renewal party, which at this point everyone was aware of.  Another little gem that made it awkward was that Adrienne never said hello to Lisa or Ken, then she was insulted that they didn’t come put on their sad faces and join the pity party.  Meanwhile, Lisa and Ken, and everyone else who wasn’t faking it, were wondering why on God’s green Earth Adrienne would come to a party in this condition.  Not to worry though, as quickly as she came in, bringing the dark clouds raining tears upon her tinseled hair, she left swiftly back through the grand double glass doors and down the pebbled path to her awaiting Bravo appointed limo.  This time no Paul behind her to gently guide her along so she could bitch at him about putting his hand on her back.  I have to wonder if she missed him (she didn’t).
So was she at the party for like five minutes?  Did she forget they don’t live across the street anymore?  It seems like a ton of effort to put in to going to a party for someone who you hate on the day you announced your separation from your husband of ten years.  Eh, well, I do not pretend to know the goings-on in a mind like Maloof’s.    *shudders*
After Adrienne’s little show, Lisa retires to her bedroom to sulk about the new mood of her soiree.  It’s Brandi to the rescue, who tells Lisa not to let it bother her and if she doesn’t get her British behind down there and remarry Ken, well then, Brandi would have to do it.  Since we are all pretty sure Brandi is serious, Lisa scoots on down the staircase to her knight in shining armor of thirty years.
The vow renewal goes off without a hitch.  We’ve got Yolanda with her arm around Marisa so clearly they are back to being chums.  We have Brandi and her boobilicious side-kick Jennifer (who played Diego’s wife in the movie “Blow” and YOU ARE WELCOME for blowing your mind with that) holding hands, so there’s love in that corner.  As Ken read Lisa his vows, she looked like a girl of 21 again.  There was not a dry eye in the house, including my house.  Just kidding, I didn’t cry.  Just kidding, maybe I did.  Just kidding, I only teared up.
The end! They did the little finale quotes which are always completely asinine and this was no exception.
I’m going to blog on the reunion in its entirety, so stay tuned next week for the Reunion summary.  I think Part Two is going to be wayyyyyy better than Part One, so here’s hoping.
Until next week my darlings....

Tuesday, March 19, 2013

Housewives and Hiatuses: A Message from a Fan

I received an email yesterday notifying me that someone had commented on my last blog entry.  I have quoted the comment for you all below, and have written an open response letter:
“You should cancel this blog cause you SUCK at updating it!!! Over you! Peace out.”  - EatMyDick
Dearest EatMyDick,
Whoa there Turbo, it's just a reality TV blog, no one’s curing cancer over here, haha.  Frankly I had no idea anyone cared so much but given how long you waited until you essentially told me to fuck off, I must admit I'm flattered.
I'm hoping you'll consider giving me a second (third, fourth, fifth- who's counting?) chance.  The truth is I'm just so sick of writing about this show.  Another lovely fan like yourself, L.T. (whose name, though less imaginative, is equally as memorable) suggested "Vanderpump Rules"as a new show for me to write about, but five minutes into that show I wanted to stab screwdrivers into my eyeballs so that wasn't going to work. Don't get me wrong, I am NOT judging- I watched every season of Bad Girls Club until this last one in Atlanta, and I have been known to quote Tanisha, so no one’s problem is worse than mine, trust me.
Anywhoo, in case there are others out there like you, EatMyDick, who didn't have the courage to step forward and essentially tell me to fuck off, I'm going to commit to finishing out this season of RHBH, and meanwhile I'll figure out what other salacious material I can be summarizing for dedicated fans like you, EatMyDick.  I'm just hoping you see this before really peacing out.  One can dream, right?
Now onto the show...
Remember Spike, Kim's old boyfriend who Brandi described as a "gay bull mastiff?"  I think he should date Faye Resnick. She looks like an old Shar-pei who didn't get spayed in time, if you know what I mean.

Adrienne's vodka party had to be the most horrific thing I've ever seen.  The creepy painted people on the platforms reminded me of those wind-blown stick guys that used car lots stick in front to attract people in, except these creepy painted people were blowing up and down in slow motion.  It was the stuff of nightmares.  I don’t even want to talk about the hands sticking out of the bushes holding shot glasses full of what I hope was glow in dark vodka or whatever the hell Maloof was pitching that night.  Her business du jour.  Meanwhile, Paul is getting painted to be a tree.  In a sea of blood red, he was a welcomed reprieve. 

The ladies all gather ‘round the cauldron for the obligatory shit-talking fest.  Marisa starts with a “Look what I have!” about a text message sent from Brandi to her about how to save her marriage.  It went something like, “I know how to save your marriage, you guys should give each other a hall pass.”  Marisa was offended by this stating, “My marriage is great!  My marriage doesn’t need saving!”  In the background you can see everyone’s least favorite Shar-pei salivating at the thought of shit-talking Brandi.  She interjects, “Well you know she would probably sleep with a married man.  She had sex in Kyle’s child’s bathroom at the White Party, I know for a fact.”  She knew for a fact, even though she had only heard it from someone else.
While the witches stir the brew, Lisa and Brandi get pervy massages and talk about pervy things.  I’m not going to go into it.
Back at the party, leave it to my girl Yolanda to start calling people out left and right.  She told Marisa she’s sure Brandi was joking, and even Kyle piped up that she didn’t believe Brandi would sleep with a married man after what she had been through.  The Shar-peis stomach almost feel out of her butt when she heard that.  What a moment, huh?  Did you see her face??  All the wrinkles ran different directions revealing wide eyes, “DID YOU REALLY JUST SAY THAT KYLE?”  Then of course Adrienne starts in with, “She’s thrown all of us under the bus, every single last one of us,” and she points her witchy finger, “You and you and you and you,” and Yolanda interrupts, “When did she throw me under the bus?”  Adrienne can’t lie on the spot, we all know that.  She needs time, and Radar Online, and meetings, so she just kind of lets that one die.  You go Yo-Yo.  YOLO.
Meanwhile, while Adrienne’s house is covered in the devil’s vomit, Lisa is covering hers in different shades of Pepto.  Everyone’s favorite Beverly Hills party planner Kevin Lee (chi chi chi darling) is at Lisa’s house, preparing the estate for the upcoming house-warming/vow renewal party.  Lisa makes him take his pants off to put flowers in the pool, and he just happened to be wearing cute boxer-briefs- a totally not planned moment.
In a moment shown on previews, a party dweller tells Maloof Paul has left in a fit of anger.  What we didn’t know is that really Paul was up in the tree, painted and dressed like a tree.  It was a funny little trick, and I think we probably all got a tiny fetus kick out of it, but not Adrienne.  Adrienne lost her sense of humor way back in 1985 when she got her new nose.  She tells us in her talking head interview that Paul always has to be the center of attention, and it’s really quite pathetic.  He’s is so dramatic though.  Remember when he evacuated their home in a quick hurry while screaming for Adrienne to get in the car even though there were firefighters everywhere and the house fire across the street was contained and they weren’t letting people on the street?  Oh wait, that was Adrienne.  Remember when Paul falsely accused Adrienne of abusing her kids in order to get a better custody deal for himself??  OH WAIT, that was Adrienne.  Remember when Paul was pissed off at Lisa because Pandora chose to have her bachelorette party somewhere other than The Palms?  OH WAIT, that was Adrienne.  Remember when Paul screamed at Brandi at Mauricio’s amaaaaaaaaaaazing commercial party??  Yayyy, I got one!
Fast forward to the day of Lisa’s party.  La deed ah, fiddle dee dee.  Everyone gets in their prospective  limos and proceeds in the obligatory discussing of fellow castmates.  Kyle and Mauricio just cannot believe Paul and Adrienne announced their separation that morning, isn’t that amaaaaaaaaazing???  I mean, golly gee, they just could not have seen that coming!!  The rest of us saw it coming like we could spot a meteor barreling towards Earth while standing on Mount Everest with a pair of binoculars.  Brandi and Brandi’s side-kick Lips McBoobs discuss the impending doom that is Paul and Adrienne.  Brandi thinks it’s a publicity stunt.  I’m so sick of hearing housewives say that (you are all walking publicity stunts).
Everyone arrives and the cat fights ensue.  Yolanda wants Marisa to tell her worries of Brandi possibly wanting her husband Dean to Brandi’s face.  Marisa, when confronted by Yolanda’s bump-it, back-peddles on her initial “how dare you” tone on the text and downplays her discussion with the ladies about it.  The conversation was not a fight, it just got a little loud when Marisa said, “I’m not saying I would cheat on my husband, I’m just saying if I saw a tall, dark man I would want to fuck him!”  Hmmmm….well, Yolanda saw the same ambiguousness as we did in that comment, so she laughed and said, “WHAAAT?!?” and everyone’s least favorite Shar-pei heard that and thought she was being called.  She saw that ball thrown and she chased it.  Like a Shar-pei with a bone and Chlamydia, that Faye.
Brandi tells Faye to go away because the discussion doesn’t concern her, Faye tells Brandi she’s not going anywhere (she told Kyle she had to protect Marisa, good dog) and that no matter how many Chanel handbags Brandi borrows she’ll never be a “lady.”  Really Faye?  You want to talk about being a “lady” on TV?  How about, a real “lady” doesn’t write a book about her murdered friend describing her as a coke fiend slut and then release it during the trial of her suspected murderer against the instructions of the judge and the prosecution making it impossible for them to use you as a witness on prior abuse and then pose for Playboy on that same publicity wave in a “hot second.”  You are a terrible, TERRIBLE person Faye, and no Chanel handbag can hide that either, and neither can that cheap-ass looking dress, so bitch please.

Faye then goes on to say that Brandi ruined Adrienne’s family with the surrogacy secret and caused Adrienne and Paul’s separation.  Marisa, having been quiet this whole time, calls bullshit on that saying there had to be problems before.  Yolanda calls major bullshit and removes Brandi from the conversation, which is where we end this week’s hour of torture.
In next week’s hour of torture, we will see the vow renewal, Adrienne’s tears she stole from a child in China which she plans on selling for profit at The Palms after she is finished with them, Brandi and Faye fight some more, Kim and Kyle fight some more, and hopefully a closing scene of Giggy throwing up in a plant from too much sparkling rose, getting not a spot on his tiny pink outfit.
Until next week then…

Friday, February 15, 2013

Housewives in Wonderland: A Very Un-Merry Tea Party

Brandi as Alice
Adrienne as The Mad Hatter
Lisa as The Queen of Hearts
Taylor as The Drunken Door Mouse
Camille as The White Rabbit
Kyle as A Card
Faye as That Dead Thing in the Corner

Ok folks, bear with me here, I’m super hung over and I think I broke a toe last night.
Kyle visits Lisa so they can rehash last season’s reunion because, although the horse has been beaten to a bloody pulp, we’re still beating it with a Louisville slugger like Franky beat Nicky Santoro and his brother in the middle of that cornfield (“Casino” reference, had to happen).
Lisa’s house is named, “Villa Rosa.”  Really?  I mean, I guess, but really?  Your house needs a name?  And a sign? 
After some small talk the two ladies go upstairs for a serious heart to heart.  Lisa feels like Kyle never defends her.  Well that’s valid, since Kyle never defends her.  Kyle doesn’t think Lisa needs defending and says that’s why she didn’t defend her.  Then Lisa tells Kyle to apologize again, and using Lisa’s own words she’s feeding her.  So basically this conversation is straight out of the third grade cafeteria.  Kyle says she won’t apologize like that, and I wonder why Lisa would want a manufactured apology.  You would think she had quickly ODed on those after Adrienne’s apology where she appeared to be in the middle of an enema squeaking out, “I-m so—rr—y, BUT YOUSHOULDBESORRYTOO!” over a glass of pinot grigio that was wondering to itself, “Which bad decision did I make in life that landed me here?”
Anyway, there was no resolve which is perfect because now in a couple weeks we can have this same fight.  Yayyy!  Which reminds me, I’m taking recommendations on what new show I should blog about because I’m THISCLOSE to being over this mess.
Brandi visits Yolanda at the stables while Yo’s daughter Bella practices riding.  Yolanda points out that it’s kind of sad for Bella because most of the girls she rides with have two or three horses, and she can only afford Bella the one.  I’ll wait while you wipe the tears from your eyes so you can continue reading.  Gawd, I love Yolanda so much.
Anyway, Brandi’s stressed out over the Maloof lawsuit.  Yolanda says, “Oh vou know, dant vorry about Adriennz Maloofz, who is she in diz vorld?”  Have I mentioned I love Yolanda?
Onto the Tea Party from Hell….
Alice, ahem, Brandi arrives first, I think, because she’s Lisa’s new bestie.  She’s really nervous since this will be the first on-field battle between her and The Maloof Hoof.  The Drunken Door Mouse, ahem, Taylor arrives and gifts Lisa with a vibrator because….we don’t really know why.  She says it’s because of Ken’s hip surgery and the subsequent wait time until two-person sex, but since it is Ken who has the case of the inside-pants jollies in that relationship I fail to see the point.  But when you’re a drunk you tend to make silly, fly by the night decisions like bringing a vibrator as a hostess gift to a Tea Party and, by the way, I’m throwing a Tea Party next week… *hint hint*
Brandi and Taylor get along swimmingly (because Taylor’s already tipsy) as Brandi gives Taylor a tour of the house, including Ken’s closet where they find pictures of a naked Lisa and realized they may have over-stepped their touring boundaries.   
Meanwhile, in a pink kitchen, The Queen of Hearts, ahem, Lisa explains to Lupe (Is it Lupe?  I can’t remember) how to arrange tiny sandwiches on a platter.
More guests arrive, and we meet two hunks of grade-A idiot beef from that filthy STD of a show “Vanderpump Rules.”  No offense to anyone who watches it, but tons of offense to those who are on it.
Oh wonderful, The Dead Thing in the Corner, ahem, Faye I’ll-do-anything-to-be-on-TV Resnick is joining us.  She, The Card, ahem, Kyle, and The Mad Hatter hop in a limo, have their obligatory “This is going to be awkward” conversation, and arrive to “Villa Rosa” to wreak havoc.
At some point, Kim calls Lisa on her bathroom phone (?) and explains why she cannot make it.
“Hiiiii Lisa, it’s Kiiiiiim.  I got hit in the face.  I got hit in the face.  I was on my way to your house when I got hit in the face.  By who?  Ummm, my dog.  Yep, the dog delivered a clean upper cut to my new nose while I was driving to the party.  I think I’ll need a new one again.  I’ll wait until my pain pill prescription for this one runs out, and then I’ll go get another one.”
I have a theory that Kim got this dog solely to provide her with a whole new litany of excuses.
“My dog ate my homework.  My dog ate my Lexipro.  He ate my valium too.  And my passport.  And he ate my Christmas bow shirt.  And he ate my goddamn house!”
The ladies mingle a bit, gathered around the bare chests of the SUR man-whores.  Marisa mentions again how she would absolutely luuuurve to have sex with someone other than her husband.  I wonder if this woman understands this is going to be on TV.  Adrienne completely ignores Brandi which she is probably ok with because Adrienne’s voice sounds like the lady from the anti-smoking commercial who unfortunately lives with a hole in her throat.
Alright so the ladies sit down, and Lisa has gifted them each with a robe.  I freaking luuuurve robes.  Everything is just beautiful.  And actually, everyone is getting along quite nicely.  But things get normal again when a drunken Taylor brings up the hypocrisy that is Adrienne threatening Brandi with a lawsuit after she and Russell were ostracized from the group last season for doing the same thing.
Lisa not so subtly asks Taylor and Brandi to help her with something in the kitchen.  As soon as they’re out of earshot, Lisa tells Taylor to cool it because she doesn’t want World War III to happen at her tea party.  Taylor is so hammered.  Her eyes are rolling from side to side, and she can’t focus on the words.  She slurs out, “Did she or did she not send the letter?” to Brandi and Brandi replies that indeed she did.  Taylor gives a mischievous nod, and we all know she has no intention of keeping her enormous mouth shut.
This is when shit gets weird.
Taylor confronts Adrienne again pretty much immediately after they sit back down and Adrienne actually denies her attorney ever sent Brandi’s attorney a letter.  She denies any threat of a lawsuit.  You can smell the desperation through the TV screen like a scratch and sniff sticker as Adrienne begins hurling random, “You tweeted!  That was mean what you tweeted!  You tweeted about Bernie and that’s mean and not true!” 
Brandi and Adrienne go back and forth with “Shame on you!” and “No, shame on YOU!” and it’s just the most ridiculous thing you’ve ever seen.  You can tell Brandi is genuinely exacerbated by Adrienne’s denials. 
So The Mad Hatter, ahem Adrienne, tries to convince the group that in fact she never intended on suing Brandi even though she literally said at Mauricio’s commercial taping, “She’s gonna get slapped with a fat ol’ lawsuit!”  It’s funny because it’s like, umm, did Camille nor Kyle nor Faye ever talk to you about how Brandi has been shouting this threatened lawsuit business from the rooftops because you’re acting like this is the first you’ve ever heard of this, and I know it’s not.  So I call BULLSHIT on Maloof hard.  As Phaedra says folks, “Something in the buttermilk ain’t clean.”
Side note:  Don’t you love when The White Rabbit, ahem, Camille gets passionate about something and her eyes bug out to the point where they resemble her bubbies?
I think we find out more in next week’s episode when the shit hits the fan at the White Party.  But then again, Bravo might just string us along until the end of the season and never give us an actual resolution because that way we can talk about this all next season too.
Now if you all will excuse me, I’m due for an Advil fix.
Until next week my friends…

Friday, February 1, 2013

The Surrogacy Secret That Did Not Shock a Nation

I’ll probably get sued by The Maloof for that title. 
Try to contain your excitement.  I’m back.  I don’t have any notes and like five episodes have gone by since I last blogged, so I’m just generally commenting.  Let’s dive right in (no pun intended for those who saw Kim and Kyle on “Celebrity Dive: Stars in Danger”or whatever the hell that mess was called) …
When life hands Yolanda thirty-nine orchards full of lemons, she bakes seven souffl├ęs to see which comes out best.  Yolanda has garnered mixed feelings from the general viewing audience.  They don’t want to hear any more about how wonderful her life is or how much she luuuuurves her husband.  I respectfully disagree.  I love Yolanda because she is exactly what this show was originally supposed to be about.  Rich people being all rich doing super rich people things that no one else can do because we don’t all have time to color-coordinate our fridges.  Give me Yo-Yo’s 1,000 Hermes belts, her white pants, her blunt tongue, her lemon grove, her husband-luuuurving.  I will take it, and I will soak it in like the Malibu sun because that woman really does live the good life.  When she used Seal and Heidi as an example of friends getting divorced??  I can’t.  It’s too adorable.
Alright, so you all know what’s going on with this show.  Too much, that’s what.  Let me start by saying for those of you who do not know, the big Maloof secret is that she used a surrogate to carry her twins.  Let me know when you’ve come to, because that shocking scandal of a secret is just too much to deal with fully conscious, I know.  Hopefully you’ll awaken from your shock and dismay coma momentarily so you can continue relishing my thoughts and opinions.
I liked Brandi last season, a lot.  As you all know, she’s got a dirty sense of humor and a mouth like a sailor just like me, so of course I would like her.  This season, she seems a little too desperate.  I mean, you already beat Dana/Pam for a permanent spot on the show Kitty Kat, pump the brakes.  Brandi’s thong is in a butt-bunch because Adrienne did some mean stuff to her during the interim between seasons.  It supposedly all started when Adrienne wanted Brandi to back her up in last season’s reunion when she went after Lisa for allegedly selling stories.  Brandi refused, called her out on it, and subsequently Adrienne put some unflattering stories out in the press including but not limited to Brandi having sex with someone in the bathroom at Kyle’s White Party which, as it turns out, did not happen.
So you all know what happens next, I don’t want to beat an already decomposed horse.  And now the entire season revolves around this outed secret, this torrid rumor that was sooooo juicy (it wasn’t) that Bravo couldn’t even air the secret because Adrienne threatened both Bravo and Brandi with Cease and Desist letters.  Which leads me to Adrienne…

Although I do think it was wrong of Brandi to out a private Maloof family secret, evidently this was no secret and also BITCH IS ON TV.  Pretty much everyone knew, they just weren’t allow to say it out loud.  Of course everyone else was fine with that, but you know Brandi.  Now, while Brandi was probably in the wrong here, she was less wrong than the other party, and I’ll tell you why.  Because Adrienne Maloof is an awful person who deserves everything she gets so get ‘er Brandi.  Adrienne I would have to present with the Queen of Hypocrisy crown for A) Threatening to sue a cast mate after ostracizing the Armstrongs for doing the EXACT same thing last season and B) claiming she’s super private and never talks to the press while simultaneously doing two spreads in two different tabloid mags talking about how the surrogacy rumor tore apart her family and it’s Brandi’s fault she and Paul divorced.  Riiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiight Cray Cray.
Onto the next…
How about Marisa’s mom? 

That was crazy, eh?  First of all, arrest her friends who are telling her to keep her hair style, they’re unjustly mean.  Second, don’t you love how mothers do not hesitate to tell you when you look like shit?  Mine will definitely call me out when I’m not wearing mascara.  Marisa’s mom hates every single clothing item Marisa owns and is not afraid to tell her.  “Your wardrobe is ghastly, so can I come with you to Vegas?”  For the record, moms are the best.  Is it me or are the mothers of the housewives becoming more interesting than the housewives themselves? #mamaelsa
Can we talk about Faye Resnick?  Something in Faye Resnick’s face has died.  It bit the dust, rode its last pony, signed the eternal waiver.  She looks like she smells of carcass.  Does Faye not have the most annoying air of self-importance?  Or is it just me?  She feels she has the right to berate a perfect stranger at a dinner party because that stranger supposedly wronged, outside of Faye’s presence, someone who she is close to because her nephew once dated Adrienne’s favorite manicurist or something.  If I were at that table there would have been more done to shut this woman up.  Not murder or anything, you can’t murder the undead.  Faye is really one to talk about betraying a friend.  I won’t mention Faye’s book detailing the cocaine habits of her “best friend” after she was brutally murdered, or her spread in Playboy while riding the publicity wave that was her “best friend’s” murder.  I don’t want to be tawdry.
How about that Mmmmauricio?  Not so yummmmy when he’s yelling at a woman huh?  The thing about this whole mess is if these idiots would have just sat back and not been complete assholes all over the map, Brandi probably would have come out of this looking like the bad guy.  But instead, e’rybody on the show gettin’ messy.  You’ve got Faye and Mauricio seeing dinner parties as fit times to rip Brandi a new one in front of a bunch of people over a “secret” that wouldn’t have been a big deal if everyone would have shut the fuck up about it to begin with.  I mean, Jesus Christ on a cracker folks, Brandi said it once, everyone else has said it thirteen times per episode.  You’ve got Kyle having lunch with Faye to discuss it, now Faye’s in this shit pile right where she luuuurves to be.  You’ve got Mauricio making a huge deal out of it at a party where half the people have no idea what he’s talking about and now he’s just a grown man who is cool with scolding a grown woman like she’s his four year old who colored all over the TV.  “What were your intentions??”  Really?  Do better Mo. 
How about when Paul and Adrienne came out guns a’blazin’ at Mauricio’s real estate commercial party calling Brandi a drug-addicted terrible mother?  I believe it was Paul who repeatedly and loudly called Brandi and “bitch” in her face, while Adrienne pointed her witchy finger at her accusing her of “sleeping until 3pm” while on drugs.  That sounds more slanderous than saying someone used a surrogate, but hey, that’s just my opinion.  Did you notice how Adrienne repeated in that episode multiple times that Brandi was “lying, a liar, you’re lying, you’re a liar!!!”?  But she’s now done two spreads in two different magazines about how Brandi ruined her family by outing the TRUTH about the surrogacy.  Ms. Maloof: as if it was not after you publicly and falsely accused your estranged husband of physically abusing you and his own children, you’re credibility is rotting in hell.
Boy, Kyle is sure walking on egg shells this season, eh?  Is she even on this show for anything besides hosting Bash Brandi parties and being indifferent?
Taylor is a lamp post this season.  A drunk, crying mess of a lamp post.
Ok guys, I like Marisa.  I know there are many mixed feelings, but hear me out.  What I liked so much about Brandi last season was that she seemed more “real” than the others in that she wasn’t as worried about the way she was perceived as she was about being herself for the viewers, faults and all.  Well, this season she has moments of “realness” and “fun Brandi” but she is also hyper-defensive and frankly just too aggressive for me.  I mean, I got it when she freaked out on Game Night because she really was ganged up on, but when Mauricio was making a total asshole of himself, it would have been great if she could have just calmly stated, “I think it’s inappropriate that you are talking to me like this about something you don’t know firsthand,” instead of going straight to, “GO FUCK YOURSELF!”  I mean for crying out loud woman, you have to round second and third base, you don’t just run straight home.  What I like about Marisa is that she reminds me a lot of Brandi in her “realness.”  She doesn’t seem to try to pretend her marriage is all peaches and sunshine.  She doesn’t have fake bubbies, which in this crowd is CRAY.  She seems to say whatever is on her mind but doesn’t shove it down our throats.  I really liked how she attempted to stand up to Faye at Kyle’s first Brandi Bashing party even though she didn’t know her very well by simply stating that no one should be telling Brandi when and how to apologize to someone.  Mostly though, I luuuuuurve her husband who, after Mauricio and Brandi’s confrontation came to a head with Brandi shouting, “SHUT THE FUCK UP, GO FUCK YOURSELF!” asked the group flatly, “Well, who’s ready for dessert?”  You win Dean.  You win the whooooole game.

I saved the best for last.  Kim.  Shining Christmas bow-wearing, no-sense-making, always-picture-hanging light of my blog life.  Kim is just as awesome sober as she is all ten different kinds of drugged up.  I mean honestly.
“I went with my friend to a plastic surgeon and then I decided, you know what?  I want a change.  How about my eyes? No?  Ok how about my neck?  No?  Ok what if we do my left ear?  No?  Right ear?  No?  How about taking in my forehead?  Oh you don’t do that?  Ok what if we attach my teeth to my nipples?  No?  How about my nose?  Really?!  You would do that?  I mean, I’ve never thought I’ve needed a new nose before, but now that you mentioned it, that is just the PERFECT thing I can change that won’t be a big change but just like a little change that can change me a little to go with my change.  Well, I for one am excited for change.  What kind of meds to they prescribe for someone who’s changing?....”
Can we talk about the atrocity that is “Vanderpump Rules” for five seconds?  WTF is this show?  It’s like if “The Hills” and “Melrose Place” had a love child and then that child and “The Bachelor” had a love child, and then that child and “Bad Girls Club” had a love child and then that child smoked crack.

Alright, those are my little plastic thoughts.  I’m completely over this week, so please excuse any extra snark I’m throwing out.  It’s Friday, and mama needs a cocktail.  Hopefully it won’t take two months before gaining the patience to write about these wild hyenas again.