Thursday, March 28, 2013

Renewals, Regrets, Rehashing, and Resnick Regurgitating Rumors

Welcome back my lovelies!  Here I am, as promised.  And I’m even semi-on-time, so I hope you were sitting down when you opened this site because that was probably quite shocking. 
Ahhh, the finale.  It’s about gawddamn time.  We left off where Faye Resnick told Brandi that Adrienne and Paul’s divorce was all her fault.  Good lord, this Brandi character must be a powerful woman in Faye’s world.  She caused the demise of Kim on Game Night, sending her into a downward spiral that probably caused her to hit a rock bottom giving her that final kick she needed to bounce back into rehab (the NERVE) and here she is ruining marriages.  To top it all off, she could have destroyed Porscha’s tiny life had the child woken up in the middle of the night to find the tawdry events occurring in her pink pony bathroom, of all things good and holy.  She’s the tall, blonde, sailor-mouthed spawn of Satan is what she is.
The conversation moves away from Faye because she’s as annoying as a hemorrhoid that asks stupid questions (there is such a thing btw, as stupid questions I mean- I'm saying they're all lying to you).  Marisa claims she meant no harm spouting off that text to the women at Adrienne’s The Devil Wear Maloof Hoofs party.  Brandi forgives her, Yolanda’s over it (she met her contract quota of at least one scene of drama in the final episode) and Marisa is all like, “Now which guy at this party am I going to have sex with that isn’t my husband….”
After Faye was asked to leave the conversation between Yo-Yo, B-Dawg and Captain-Wants-to-Cheat, she scattered like a roach looking for some other trash she could devour.  She settled on our Vanderqueen, the Vanderhost of this Vanderevent.  I mean, it’s only natural to want to accost the hostess who is also renewing her vows later in the evening, at least it is in Faye’s sick and cruel world.  Faye thinks Lisa uses Brandi as her “mouthpiece” and Lisa thinks Faye acts as Kyle’s “mouthpiece” and every time any one of them uses the word “mouthpiece” it makes me want to wring their throatpiece.
Lisa thinks Faye accusing her of using a “mouthpiece” is “such an insult.”  Faye’s like, “I wasn’t trying to insult you honey, I was just trying to insult you honey.”  Meanwhile, the freaking peanut gallery is off to the side spectating and speculating.  After whispering to one another for five minutes, “Are they talking?  What are they talking about?  Are they fighting?  What are they fighting about?  Their mouths are moving and sounds are coming out, but are they talking?” they all come over and surround the two women because that always calms everything down.
Yolanda, still meeting her contractual obligations to stir up the poo after a season of mostly zen lemon picking, calls out Faye for doing the very same thing she is criticizing others for doing.  Oh my dearest, dearest Lemon Duchess: Do not thou try to talkith sense into the likes of the Resnick dragon, she knoweth not what she saysith.  Lisa is still waiting for Kyle to come to her defense against Faye, but alas, Faye is her children’s godmother and has been a friend for twenty years and is her interior designer and all these things keep Kyle from coming to Lisa’s defense.  Kyle, sweetie, you had your shot to look good in the finale and you blew it.  Defending Faye is like defending Hitler.  It’s an argument no one is going to let you win (except Faye, or Hitler).
In addition to looking like the world’s worst friend, Kyle also ends up getting called out for being the world’s worst sister, by her own sister.  Kim for the life of her cannot understand why Kyle was willing to forgive Brandi so quickly after “Game Night” but seems to be defending Adrienne against Brandi infinitely.  I think the booze and drugs have messed with Kim’s brain, I’m not kidding.  Kyle was a crazy BITCH on “Game Night” trying to defend her sister who was either high on something or coming down from something and hiding people’s crutches and calling them "slut pigs" and stuff and things.  Then she continued to defend her pretty much until she viewed the episode and/or when fans turned completely against her and she hired a PR team.  In addition, Kyle has not been awful to Brandi whatsoever while defending Adrienne in “SurroGate” so I don’t know what Kim is trying to say here.  I don’t even think Kim knows what Kim is trying to say here though so we’re going to move on…
Suddenly a cloud creeps over Villa Rosa and the splattered pink hues turn a grayish, ominous color and the winds of change pick up.  Suddenly the romantic atmosphere turns to something much darker, much more litigious.  The Maloof shuffles through the grand double glass doors and into what was, before her arrival, a party.  She is greeted immediately by a flock of crows who disguise themselves in tears, but are secretly waiting for her to die so they can pick at her bones.  Because if you were not already aware, Maloof and her husband, her caged rabbit of a husband, announced their separation to the press the morning of Lisa’s vow renewal party.  For all of you Negative Nancies out there, this was just a coincidence (yeah right). 
So Adrienne not so subtly, all puffy and red and wearing her Susie-Sad-Face she puts on when she knows humans would be feeling sad and therefore she should pretend to as well, plops herself upon Lisa’s couch making sure she rubs all of her fake tan off on it.  The two Richards sisters and the third sister Mauricio sat on the couch and cried with Adrienne and put their sad faces on as well, and of course Camille came over with her practiced sad face and gave Adrienne a big hug ("Uh oh...somebody's cryyyying").  The whole thing was pretty awkward considering they were at a vow-renewal party, which at this point everyone was aware of.  Another little gem that made it awkward was that Adrienne never said hello to Lisa or Ken, then she was insulted that they didn’t come put on their sad faces and join the pity party.  Meanwhile, Lisa and Ken, and everyone else who wasn’t faking it, were wondering why on God’s green Earth Adrienne would come to a party in this condition.  Not to worry though, as quickly as she came in, bringing the dark clouds raining tears upon her tinseled hair, she left swiftly back through the grand double glass doors and down the pebbled path to her awaiting Bravo appointed limo.  This time no Paul behind her to gently guide her along so she could bitch at him about putting his hand on her back.  I have to wonder if she missed him (she didn’t).
So was she at the party for like five minutes?  Did she forget they don’t live across the street anymore?  It seems like a ton of effort to put in to going to a party for someone who you hate on the day you announced your separation from your husband of ten years.  Eh, well, I do not pretend to know the goings-on in a mind like Maloof’s.    *shudders*
After Adrienne’s little show, Lisa retires to her bedroom to sulk about the new mood of her soiree.  It’s Brandi to the rescue, who tells Lisa not to let it bother her and if she doesn’t get her British behind down there and remarry Ken, well then, Brandi would have to do it.  Since we are all pretty sure Brandi is serious, Lisa scoots on down the staircase to her knight in shining armor of thirty years.
The vow renewal goes off without a hitch.  We’ve got Yolanda with her arm around Marisa so clearly they are back to being chums.  We have Brandi and her boobilicious side-kick Jennifer (who played Diego’s wife in the movie “Blow” and YOU ARE WELCOME for blowing your mind with that) holding hands, so there’s love in that corner.  As Ken read Lisa his vows, she looked like a girl of 21 again.  There was not a dry eye in the house, including my house.  Just kidding, I didn’t cry.  Just kidding, maybe I did.  Just kidding, I only teared up.
The end! They did the little finale quotes which are always completely asinine and this was no exception.
I’m going to blog on the reunion in its entirety, so stay tuned next week for the Reunion summary.  I think Part Two is going to be wayyyyyy better than Part One, so here’s hoping.
Until next week my darlings....

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