Friday, February 24, 2012

Who is Art, and Why is He Coming to Our Party?

Welcome back kiddies!  Sorry I am so late here, but let us not dwell.  I want to get started right away as there is much to discuss…
Back in Catalina, Tamra and Eddie discuss how their relationship is changing.  It used to be OK for Tamra to put her friend’s boyfriend’s hand on her boob and rub it up and down, but not anymore.  Things are getting more serious between these two.  They’re not just about televised bathtub sex scenes anymore.  So while Tams and Eds are conversing about this outside the dinner restaurant, Brooks and Vicki order wine and pretend this isn’t totally awkward.  Have you noticed Vicki has a different voice when she talks to Brooks?  It’s all light and flirty-like.  If you haven’t noticed, listen next time.  She’s like, “What is it? Wine before liquor?? Hehehoohoo,” in her best Marilyn impression.  We never heard her talk to Donn that way. *tear*
Back on the fightin’ bench, Tamra tells Eddie she doesn’t like him touching Vicki.  Really Tamra?  Could you be anymore insecure??  You thought Eddie was mentally getting it on with Vicki as they high-fived and talked about being Aries together?  You thought there was a chance they might sneak out of their prospective rooms and have a midnight rendezvous in the light of the Catalina moon?  Eddie looks JUST like one of my favorite gay friends by the way, it trips me out.
Don Juan explains that Tamra can’t go around making other dudes grab her boobs anymore, even if they are fake.  She’s like, “[cry cry] Ok I understand [cry cry]” and Ken, who was sitting next to me while I watched this much to his dismay said, “Why does this guy put up with this shit?”  It’s the same question Simon asked himself about a year ago.  Tamra and Eddie kiss and make up and join their cohorts in the restaurant.  Tamra starts crying AGAIN and says to the table, “I’ve never luuuurved anyone as much as I luuuurve Eddie and I don’t want my two best friends in the world touching,” and Vicki’s like, is this betch for real?  Vicki says, “Ok Tamra like seriously, it was a high five,” and Tamra’s like, “NO HIGH FIVING!!!” and we all sunk back in our seats and just felt real bad.  Just when we thought this whole thing couldn’t get more ridiculous, directly after Tamra apologizes to Brooks for being disrespectful, she asks him, “Are you a tit man or an ass man?”  I wish I was making this up you guys.             
Our newbie Heather and her husband Terri go out to dinner and we get to join.  First of all you guys, if any of you are hostesses and Heather walks into your restaurant do not, and I repeat do not, hand her the menu open.  It makes her feel rushed.  Also, she likes her fish cut thin so it steams all the way through.  Oh and Heather doesn’t really cook but she doesn’t want to be given a hard time about it.  Ok now that we’ve gotten through the rules, Heather tells Terri a little bit about Vicki’s dinner.  People in the blogosphere are up in arms over Terri’s “low rent” comment about the crawfish dinner, but I think that was an editing glitch because I’m pretty sure he was referring to how the ladies reacted to the crawfish.  You should know that I’m going to defend Terri all season because I adore him.  Heather says he’s part husband, part little brother that she never wanted.  Could that be wit?  On RHOC?  Noooooooo….
Heather tells Terri she is going to throw a painting party with all the ladies at a painting studio.  Immediately my red flags go up- painting?  With these ladies??  Terri picks up on my apprehension and asks, “Do you think they’ll get drunk and throw paint all over each other?”  Heather responds dryly, “Why would they do that?”  Oh Heather, clearly you didn’t watch last season’s finale episode.  I still like Heather you guys, I really do.  I know she’s coming off as sort of a snob right now, but in a sea of trashy I could use a life raft of pretentiousness, just sayin’.

Gretchen and Slade take the dogs out for a walk right before the roller derby judging by Gretchen’s outfit, not that I’m judging.  Slade reveals to Gretchen that he was offered a gig as a one-time stand-up comedian at a comedy show she was emceeing.  This is odd because not once have I ever heard Slade make a funny, and I’ve known Slade through my TV since 2006.  For this reason and others, I appreciate Gretchen’s speculation.  Slade’s like, “You never know, if this works out there may be a career for me in comedy.”  Oh yeah, that will help you pay those back-payments on your child support.  I suppose one could argue that Gretchen could have been slightly more supportive, but I totally side with her on this one based on the fact that I embarrass SUPER easily.  It’s a fault.  But if Ken told me he wanted to try stand-up, and Ken’s FUNNY (obvi since he’s MY life partner), I would be like, “Good luck with that Babe, I won’t be there because I would have a panic attack in the aisle, and also tell no one that you know me.”  Hey, I admitted it’s a fault.

Back to Catalina with Dumb and Dumber and Crazy and Southern (I’ll let you draw your own conclusions on who is who) Tamra is getting sick on the boat cause that’s what thirteen tequila shots and an argument the night before will do to you.  She and Eddie talk AGAIN about the events that unfolded the night before; the infamous boob grabbing caper.  Eddie says, “I don’t want to have any more fights and I think it was due to drinking so we shouldn’t drink anymore.”  And Tamra keeled over and died.  Just kidding.  But seriously, Tamra’s soul was shocked (she literally said that, though not really in that context, but let’s pretend for the sake of the blog) and she somehow didn’t really answer him with a yes or a no.  She said, “Is there anything else? (nice deflection job Tams- 10 pts)”  Eddie’s like, “Yeah, don’t put another man’s hand on your boob because clearly that upsets me.”  These two.  They’re brilliant, aren’t they?
Heather inviting the women over the phone to her painting party was classic.  It was a tiny blurb, but so great that I dedicated this blog post’s title to it.  Heather calls the ladies one by one to invite them to her painting party.  Every single one of them say, “A WHAT party??”  Then there was a spackle of, “I don’t paint,” and “Do we have to wear frocks?” and “What is art?” and it was hysterical.  EVERY SINGLE ONE OF THE WOMEN YOU GUYS.  Not one of them got “painting party” in the first round. 
Gretchen and Tamra go shopping for sex toys directly after their “make-up lunch” and in the words of Forrest Gump, that’s all I have to say about that.

Finally the painting party is here!  Heather has her caterer do a full carbless meal for our carbless ladies. See?  She’s listening.  By the way, I liked Heather’s caterer way more than Chef Bernie.  Bubbies and Gretchen share a limo to the event where Gretchen finally reveals to Bubbies that she and Tamra called it quits on their war.  Bubbies gripes about Peggy and how she had five months to make up with Bubbies but chose 10:15 or 10:30 at night after Vicki’s party to make her move.  “Not at that time of the hour,” Bubbies says.  Not at that time of the hour indeed folks.  Maybe at 10:07 or 10:52 but not at the time of the hour Peggy chose. 
Back at the painting studio (The WHAT?) Vicki and Tamra have arrived and the ladies find out Tamra’s been tossing her cookies all day.  Of course this prompts Vicki to ask, “Are you pregnant?  I don’t do babies,” which Heather responds to with, “Just drop it off at my house honey, I won’t even notice.”  She meant because she has so many already running around, but also because her house is 79,000 square feet. 
Bubbies and Gretchen pull up to the painting studio (The WHAT?) still discussing the make-up heard ‘round the world.  Gretchen tells of the sex shop run and Bubbies asks whatever happened to yogurt dates.
Once Gretchen and Bubbies arrive, the party is underway.  Heather asks the girls what sort of restaurants they like because she and some friends are opening a restaurant.  Heather says there are no good restaurants in Orange County since she’s used to the likes of New York and LA eateries.  Bubbies does not take kindly to this comment.  She feels there are some great restaurants in OC.  Well sure Bubbies, if you haven’t lived in New York or Los Angeles or San Francisco or Paris.  I hate to tell you Honey, but if you’re only scale is based on restaurants in Missouri and Orange County then your scale is on a whole ‘nother scale.  Not to say there are not good restaurants in Orange County because there are.  But I think Heather is referring to a different caliber of restaurants and since I’m pretty sure Bubbies doesn’t know what caliber means, I’m giving her a free pass on this one. 

The next point of conversation is Tamra and Gretchen’s run to the sex shop and the blow job helper they found (sorry mom, but it’s my job to tell the story).  Heather’s like, “Whoooooa, I’m married honey, I don’t need to do that anymore,” and Bubbies says, “Well we’ll see if you’re married in ten years!” and if I were Heather I would have said, “Well I guess we now know what’s valued in your marriage!” but instead our class-act actress said, “I was raised not to talk about what goes on in married people’s bedrooms,” and I wondered how on Earth this woman will ever be friends with Tamra.
The painting teacher (The WHAT?) named Timree comes in and Vicki doesn’t skip a beat.
Vicki: “Your name is Timree???  That is NOT your real name, your parents would never have named you that, I call bull shit on your stupid name!”
Timree: “Uhhh, no that’s my name.”
Vicki: “I demand to see your birth certificate!”
Heather: “I actually know her parents and that is her real name.”

As the night goes on, Tamra and Gretchen are super chummy and Vicki and Bubbies are pissed.  They fake chum it up too to try to get back at their old besties, but to no avail.  Tamra and Gretchen are in the honeymoon phase and they are going strong.
“Gretchen, your painting is my favorite.”
“Gretchen, your hair looks so pretty like that.”
Vicki actually looks like she’s going to murder someone.  She does this weird lock-jaw head shake thing and I’m genuinely frightened.
The ladies are painting and I thought the paintings were rather cute, but the ladies were humbled by their skills.  Heather says painting is not one of her gifts to which Bubbies responds by asking what her gifts are to which Heather responds, “Acting, singing, I was in a big band group who opened for [someone I’ve never heard of ]” and Bubbies tells us she hates when people list their gifts when someone asks them to list their gifts.

Heather’s husband Terri shows up and the conversation goes straight to plastic surgery.  Bubbies says she didn’t ask any questions because she already knows all about plastic surgery.  It’s too easy you guys.  Terri starts making his corny jokes saying that he and Heather have been happy for five years but unfortunately they’ve been married for twelve- ha ha.  Then Tamra says, “Me too!  I was married for twelve years, but now I’m having the good sex!”  To this Terri stumbles a bit, tries to spit out a joke or two, and Heather says, “Oh my, I need a drink,” and walks away briefly then returns to explain her husband’s sense of humor.  If we could “bedroom talk” I would say Terri probably didn’t get any that evening.
There’s some more Gretchy-Wetchy Tamra-Wamra crap and Vicki’s totally lost her shit at this point.  She hugs and says goodbye to everyone but Tamra as she leaves the party with Brooks in tow, who showed up five minutes before and we don’t know quite why.  Looks like there’s trouble in paradise here folks.  More on that to come, I’m sure.
Gretchen comes home to Slade cooking spaghetti because they’re in luuuuurve and don’t you forget it.  Gretchen tells Slade of an internet “news” story that has hit the virtual shelves regarding Vicki’s new man Brooks and his dislike of paying child support.  Apparently our charming Brooks owes upwards of $40K in child support to two different baby-mommas.  Oh this just really chaps Slade’s rawhide because wasn’t Vicki the one giving him shit about not paying child support??  There is definitely more on this nugget, probably a whole season’s worth.
Next week Heather and Bubbies do lunch, Slade tries to be funny, and we find out Vicki’s daughter Briana has a pretty serious health scare.  Until then my luuuuurves…

Thursday, February 23, 2012

Third Installment of RHBH Reunion: "I am Not a Crook"

Hello my darlings.  I was not going to write on the third reunion episode because I was sooooo over it, but one of my wonderful readers asked where my write-up was and I couldn't resist.  So here's my little blurb...

Dana got a call from the producers at 2:45pm on the day of the reunion filming.  The call went like this:

Dana: "Hello, did you know $25,000?"
Producer: "Hi Dana, yes we know.  Listen, it turns out Giggy can't make it today to be interviewed on the couch with the real Real Housewives, so we were wondering if you could come in and fill his three minute interview slot."
Dana: "You mean I get to sit on the couch with all my very best friends in the whole world who I just met???"
Producer: "Well, not exactly.  You'll get a stupid chair."
Dana: "I'll be there in ten minutes."

Ok so, Dana shows up wearing a mermaid disco ball which she will not disclose the designer of (THANK YOU) and shoes that read "F*** You" on them, cause she's classy.  A blind man with revenge on the mind did her make-up and she stopped by CVS Pharmacy on the way to filming to pick up some extensions.  She was pretty pleased with herself.  She was ready for her last hurrah.

Dana sat on the reject chair and told us how she grew up penniless with not a dime to her name.  She went from that to going to the most prestigeous private school in New York because her dad was cray wealthy.  But wait, her mom died in a car accident (there is nothing funny about that btw) when she was fifteen so she had to pull herself up by the F*** You straps and make it all on her own.  Oh, except for that super wealthy father of hers.  This is why she strives to be part of this crowd.  Also, being a blatant ass kisser without a mind of your own is totally what she's always wanted to be so if you don't like it, read her shoes.

Time for Dana was running out because they had to return that chair to poor Jaimie the chair rental guy from Taylor's hootenanny who Taylor rubbed her nipples all over after yelling his name all over the ranch.  Anyway, in her last moments, Dana was asked about her behavior at Game Night.  She basically blamed Brandi and said she was "poking" at everyone all night so Dana was justified in her shitty hostessing.  She said she was trying to protect Kim's children, whateverthefuck that means.  Brandi was like, "Whatever Bitch, I'm on a couch," and that was it for Dana.  I'm pretty sure they hooked her off-stage before she could even give a farewell price quote.

Andy brought the husbands in for a moment.  We found out Mauricio is still harboring bitter feelings towards Kim, has a really white butt, is actually a nice Jewish boy and not a hot Latin Luuurver, and is a fine tennis player.  Ken doesn't know where he is, but he knows if he takes his shirt off Brandi will go wild.  And Paul, well Paul and Taylor had this REALLY awkward exchange where she ran over gleefully for an impromtu check of her face nubbins.  Oh Taylor.  This betch is weeping one minute, going Oklahoma on someone's ass the next, then gleefully face rubbing on some portly plastic surgeon.  Cray.

Oh the moment we've all not really been waiting for.  Kim Richards gets out of rehab and does a television interview with Andy Cohen.  Looking a bit healthier with a good 10 lbs gained and a spray tan, Kim clutches her clutch as she doesn't really answer any of Andy's questions.  The woman was in rehab for 30 days and it should have been 90 days.  She takes almost no responsibility and holds almost no accountability.  That is called being "dry" not sober.  Also, she was DEFINITELY still on prescription meds because, not only did she admit that but she also had the rolly eyes, the slurred speech, and at points I watched her twitch like a heroin addict who needed a fix.  It went like this:

Andy: "So have you and Mauricio gotten past your differences you ran into in Hawaii?"
Kim (slurring): "You know whaaaaat, that's my sister's husband.  Everyone knoooows I'm closer to Rick, my other broooother-in-law.  I havent' forgiven him!  For the truth stuff.  He had no riiiiight to talk to me like that, like, enjoy your own life."  
Andy: "What did you go to rehab for?"
Kim: "Alcoholic.  I'm an alcoholic."
Andy: "Is that what you were snorting in the bathroom before the SUR launch party?"
Kim: "ummmm, Yes."

Ok then Kyle comes out in a gawddamn sparkly blazer and it's like, REALLY?  Kyle literally cast her sister on the show.  She put her on the show knowing she was an alcoholic.  I can't.  I can't get behind the logic on this one.  What is going to make an alcoholic think they don't have an actual problem??  CASTING THEM ON A REALITY TV SHOW.  Kyle, you're dead to me.  Not only because of this, but a lot because of this.  I understand it's pretty much the worst thing in the world to have a loved one with an addiction problem but the words "Fame whore" keep rolling around in my plastic little head.

I don't think Kim will stay sober.  She does not seem to have the right tools yet.  She actually blamed Brandi for hurting her family.  She never acknowledged having hurt her own family, just placed the blame squarely on Brandi.  This is not the sentiment of a person who has properly completed rehab.  She should be APOLOGIZING to all the women, to her sister, to her brother-in-law, and to Brandi because she can only be accountable for her own actions, not others, and she should recognize that her alcoholism affected these people negatively.  But she doesn't.  And she didn't admit she was on drugs, whatever those drugs may have been.  And that would be fine if she didn't want to say it on TV, but then why come on at all?  Bravo, cut her loose.  You just look like a bunch of assholes now if you don't.  Also, get rid of Taylor for the love of Jim-God.

That is all my friends.  Please excuse any typos as I did not proofread this.  I promise to post the blog for this past Tuesday's episode of RHOC tomorrow, know that. 


Wednesday, February 15, 2012

Crawfish, Claw marks, and Catalina

First let me start this week by saying that Vicki has definitely had work done to her face.  When she smiles in the opening credits her eye brows take off like they’re flying into orbit.  OK, lots to cover so let’s get started…
We’re apparently still talking about Jim-God and Peggy’s torrid past.  Jim-God and Bubbies worked through the hurt Bubbies felt about Jim-God not telling her about dating Peggy, but she’s still hurt-y towards Peggy.  We began last night’s episode with the second half of the dinner party Vicki threw at her house for the ladies.  I’m not one to take Bubbies side like ever, but Peggy was being kind of aggro last night.  Like when she was talking about her daughter Milan or Barcelona or Hong Kong or whatever breaking her arm for example.  Bubbies was just trying to relate to little Taiwan, having had rods put into her body also, but Peggy took that as she was trying to “one up [Peggy’s] three year old.”  Hold your horses Peggy.  You are being a liiiiittle defensive and cray.  Bubbies was just telling you how your three year old will probably have bumps in her arm from the surgery for the rest of her life because you were negligent and a terrible mother and let her fall and break her arm.  See?  She’s trying to be nice.
Introducing Heather!  Heather is getting to know the ladies one by one.  She has a chat with Bubbies about the area they live in, how many kids they have, the usual small talk, booshit booshit booshit.  Bubbies does this squeak thing at the end of her sentences when she’s trying to show excitement because she’s thinks it’s cute, and she did that when she found out Heather had twins too.  Twin Twins!!!!  *squeak*
Gretchen asks Vicki how the Donn situation is going.  Vicki says Donn’s not short of dates.  It seems you are not either Viks, you Tiger you.  The ladies gather for the appetizer which is a plethora of oysters.  Tamra hates oysters because they didn’t ever have oysters in “the park.”  So Gretchen feeds an oyster to Tamra (Really you two?) and Vicki gets the green with envy blues.  Some chick who wore jeans, the same one who wrote the seven page long blog last week, is talking about how her boyfriend semi-proposed to her (“Let’s move in together so you can cook for me and do my laundry and then we’ll get married….someday”) and Heather says, “No honey, you need a ring to seal the deal,” or something to that affect and the chick looked like someone just stole her puppy.  This prompts the ladies to ask Heather her engagement story.  Heather says it wasn’t that great, that he did it on a flight to Paris all sweaty and nervous with magazines in the premises.  It sounded pretty awful, but I hate flying so I’m biased.

The ladies sit down for dinner and Vicki gives a quick toast.  It goes just like this:
Vicki: “Thanks for coming to my house and no fighting!”
Tamra: “Vicki, why are you sitting all the way down there?”
Oh Vicki.  You big silly.  You say no fighting and then yell at someone.  How I’ve missed you.  I love that Vicki air-quoted “The South” by the way.
“I’m dating a man from ‘The South’ so we’re eating food from ‘The South’ in case you don’t know what ‘The South’ is, it’s this area in ‘The South’ so let’s eat gumbo.”
Tamra starts screaming about there being Fritos in her soup (she hasn’t the slightest idea what gumbo is, it’s all just soup to Tamra) and we realize, as Gretchen tells us, you can take the cigarette butt out of the ashtray but you …can’t take the trailer…out of the park, am I right?  Oh forget it.
Heather talks about how she just might be ready to have a little work done by her plastic surgeon spouse but she doesn’t want to do too much to her face because she’s an actress and she wants to be able to play different roles.  Prompt awesome Bubbies quote:
“She says she’s an actress but like Angelina Jolie’s an actress so…I don’t know.”
Yeah, you don’t know do you Bubbies.  I know this is shocking but Angelina Jolie isn’t the only actress on the planet.  There are TV actors, stage actors, commercial actors, hell, there are even other movies actors besides Angelina Jolie!  Like how you call yourself a fashion designer but Coco Chanel is a fashion designer so…yeah, I don’t know either.
All is going nicely until Tamra randomly points to Gretchen and shouts, “YOU GOT YOUR LIPS DONE!”  Gawdammit Tamra.  Every time with you.  Who does that at a dinner party?  Remember when Ramona Signer went up to Krazy Kelly Killoren Bennsimon on RH of NY and said, “Did you get your other boob fixed?  It looks good!” That was way better than this.  This was just so lame.  And Gretchen’s like, “I used my lip plumper…”  Good plug Gretch.
Don’t you hate when these women act like food is all alien?  Like if it’s not a caprese salad they don’t know what the fuck to do with it.  Ladies, you do not look well traveled when you spit out foie gras (Bubbies in SF last season, stay with me) and talk about crawfish wieners.  I thought the crawfish looked delish, albeit the bags were a bit unappetizing.  They’re all bitching about it though, including Bubbies who is just going to steer clear due to the foie gras incident.  To this Peggy says, “She doesn’t want to ruin her manicure!”  This would be ok if you guys were friends still, but that’s not the case.  Bubbies handled it with, dare I say, grace.  She just flipped her mane from side to side while glaring at Peggy with disappointment.  Then when Vicki says it’s time for dessert and Bubbies said she’s always ready for dessert (she’s not) Peggy’s like, “You're not going to pour ketchup all over all of our desserts are you because remember last season in the Trip to Texas episode when we were at that BBQ joint and you poured ketchup all over our whole dessert even though we wanted some (how could we forget)?” and again Bubbies handled it rather calmly.  She said, “Yeah and then I bought you another one so it really wasn’t a big deal.”  Honestly?  Fair enough.  I would have been like, “That’s it!  You’re going in the pool.”  Not really, I just like to sound tough.  Peggy says Bubbies isn’t the sharpest tool in the shed and can barely form a sentence.  You claim to have been her close friend for four years and dated her husband so what does that make you Peggy?
It’s a “school night” so Vicki yells at everyone to get the hell out.  Everyone leaves except Tamra and Peggy who need to stay to talk shit with Vicki.  Oh, and Heather too because she rode with Tamra and Peggy.  Peggy’s crying and says she wants to talk things out with Bubbies because they used to be friends and now it’s fake.  Peggy, which is it?  I know it sounds like I’m being hard on her but come on.  You can’t make snide, passive aggressive remarks all night and then expect the woman to want to eat ice cream and spoon with you.  Then Peggy says Bubbies better “watch her ass” because she would never “stalk” anybody, especially nasty ol’ Jim-God.  Let me just say, if that beezy was coming over to my house on a weekly basis and had at ANY point in time been knocking boots with Ken, stalking or not, someone BETTER have told me or they’d both be going down.  They’d be going down to Chinatown.

Peggy approaches Bubbies’ limo and asks her to have a talk, but Bubbies says no because they’ve had some wine and she has to pack the kids’ lunch for tomorrow (Never drink and pack btw) and if Peggy really wanted to discuss it she could call her and they could meet for lunch.  See Peggy?  Speakith badly of Jim-God and be struckith down!  Peggy goes back into the house saying Bubbies was a bitch and she’s done with her.  Again, I know I sound cray siding with Bubbies, but even Tamra and Vicki stood up for her saying it would be very hard to deal with knowing your best friend and your husband dated and they never told you about it.  Peggy says that Jim-God was investigated by the FBI so there’s no telling what he would have done had she told Bubbies on him.  For the love of Jim-God Peggy, he was investigated for tax fraud, not putting hits out on his ex lovers.  I think it’s time for you to go Peggy.  Oop!  Peggy’s gone.
You guys.  Heather’s house is out of control.  Did you see it?  That’s like seven dream houses combined!  It took six years to build it and it has an elevator and a fourteen car underground garage with a giant “D” for Debrow in it.  Could you not just add another room to accommodate one little extra baby? 
I love how different Heather is, it’s really refreshing.  Like, her blouses don’t look like she ordered them from the sale section of “Boston Proper,” not that there’s anything wrong with that.  Her and her husband Terry are Jewish and Buddhist and call themselves “Bu-Jews.”  I’m digging it.  I liked Terri Debrow with his Yakama pocket square and his corny jokes.  Their kids were adorable and the scene of them getting ready for something was endearing and real, and I enjoyed it.  This lady is actually rich and actually classy and has actual fashion sense to boot.
Tamra and Eddie are going to Catalina with Vicki and Brooks to celebrate Tamra’s birthday.  Vicki tells Brooks what to pack.  No surprise there.
Gretchen and Slade prove their love to us all by having a dinner together filled with pet names.  Did you notice when Slade said he didn’t want to kiss Gretchen for fear of messing up her make-up and she said, “That’s ok, I own a make-up line”?  Oh do you Gretchen?  Do you have a purse line too?  Are you a working girl?  Do you travel a lot and Slade carries your luggage??  We get it already.  And then a Jo de la Rosa dig?  Bad form Gretchen.  None of us liked Jo, she was a whiny spoiled dumb dumb with a nasally voice but she’s just the ex girlfriend.  What’d she do to you?  No seriously, do tell please.
The limo is here to take the Flirty Forty-Something Fun-Loving Foursome to Catalina.  Brooks gives Vicki a little love card in the limo cause he’s filling up her love tank.  Tamra’s like “barf” and we’re like, “Welcome to you last season Tamra.” Clearly the bath tub humping honeymoon phase is over since you’re carrying around an electric hair trimmer in your purse getting every last one of Eddie’s rogue nose hairs whether there’s an audience of your peers or not and telling us about his flatulence.
We interrupt this program for a special announcement: Gretchen is doing a topless photo shoot for charity because it’s perfectly acceptable to get naked for charity, see how that works?
Ok back to our regularly scheduled program:  The Flirty Forty-Something Fun-loving Foursome are getting on the boat to Catalina now.  This is where it goes “south”.  First of all, apparently while discussing where their relationship is going with Brooks, Vicki accidentally used the word “celibate” in place of the word “monogamous”.  I did that once with the words “cervix” and “clavicle”.  Needless to say, my friend’s mom was none too pleased that my cervix was sticking out in my prom photo.

Ok tequila shots all around!  Eddie and Vicki start play-flirting because they’re friends and it’s all in good fun yada yada.  Meanwhile, Tamra’s about to go Oklahoma on their asses because, for some reason (probably tequila), Tamra didn’t get the joke.  So in retaliation, Tamra grabs Brooks’ hand and puts it right on her boob and proceeds to rub her boob with his hand.  Brooks is like WHOAAAA and snaps his hand away, and Eddie is PISSED.  Poor Brooks, I felt so sorry for him.  How awkward would that be?  Tamra’s trying to make it like Eddie was in the wrong first but it was clear that she was the one who wayyyy crossed the line and you could tell he was just furious but he was being eerily calm about it.  It was SO AWKWARD.  It was actually so awkward that Vicki literally says, “So, how bout them Cubs?”  Yikes.

As they’re finally exiting the boat, Tamra and Eddie are fighting about who was wrong and who was wrong first, all the while their hands are clenched together.  There are two things I will not do with my husband when I’m pissed off at him:  1.Be naked 2. Hold hands

It’s interesting that Tamra cannot see immediately where she went wrong here.  Tamra, it’s all fun and games until you put another man’s hand on your boob.  Vicki and Eddie know each other and joke-flirted.  You grabbed some guy’s hand you’ve met twice and sexually harassed yourself with it.  Do the math.

Next week we find out why rubbing other dudes’ hands on your lady bits doesn’t fly with your significant other, and find out that Vicki’s Mr. Perfect has child support issues of his very own.  Until then my friends…


Wednesday, February 8, 2012

Square Footage, Spousal Support & Smokin’ the Peace Pipe: Welcome Back Ladies of the OC!

Last night was the premier of season 7 for our First Ladies of Bravo and I luuuuuurved it.  Call them new money, call them no money, and now with our newest member you can call one real money, but any way they come these women know how to bring the drama.  Plus no one from this particular franchise has died or gone to rehab so we can just sit back and enjoy the good old fashioned soap opera-esque drama without feeling guilty and morbid, not that that stopped us or anything.  Ok I’m SO excited so let’s get started!
We open with Gretchen and Slade in their bathroom which oddly has rose petals all over the floor in the middle of the day.  These two.  We get it, you’re in luuuurve.  Gretchen is fluffing her hair with gusto getting ready for lunch with a mystery date.  Who could it be?  Slade wants to go of course, but no Slade, not this time.  Slade’s like my Chihuahua when I leave to go to work.  He’s all yapping and stressed out.  Then Slade finds out the mystery date is Tamra Barney of all the people!  Now he’s like my Chihuahua when I get home from work, let him outside to go potty, then put him back in the kitchen and leave for Happy Hour.  He was pissed.  He tells Gretchen, “It’s like you’re not even taking my feelings into consideration!”  Slade is SUCH a little bitch, I mean really.  Ok so Gretchen tells us Slade doesn’t tell her what to do because she’s an independent woman and we all realize what Gretchen has that Jo de la Rosa lacked, and that’s cojones.  So Gretchen, with a black flower in her hair and a spring in her step, leaves Slade in the bathroom to pick up the pedals while she does her thang.
Tamra and Gretchen, arch rivals and mortal enemies, seem rather calm as they discuss whether or not to eat at their lunch.  They sit down on the outdoor patio and order mojitos.  Tamra seems strangely calm and well-behaved at this point.  Is she borrowing Camille Grammer’s PR advisor/yoga instructor?  Hard to say.  The ladies start talking about their differences and how sick they are of fighting.  Thank GAWD ladies because if I had to watch one more season of you two fighting with one another I was going to serve you with a cease and desist letter and throw a glass of wine in your faces.  Gretchen thinks if Tamra could just get to know her for her she would really like her.  Tamra’s like, “I don’t trust you, you don’t trust me, but I do like you.”  Wow Tams, you have a strange way of showing it.  But when Gretchen calls Tamra out on talking some major shit she knew nothing about for the first time Tamra acknowledges she did this and apologizes “from deep in [her] heart,” which was cray.  And the Grinch’s heart grew three sizes that day.

To really seal the deal, Tamra had a bracelet made for Gretchen, a friendship bracelet if you will.  It was pink and shiny like Gretchen and featured a key.  Not just any key friends, this key has the power to lock the door to the past and to open the door to the future.  Yeah no, that happened.  Gretchen should sell that key on eBay: a key to the past and the future?  She could make a fortune.  So if anything is holding Gretchen and Tamra back from luuuurving each other until we all yak, it’s that pesky Slade who Tamra still finds revolting and the evil step-sister friends Bubbies and Vicki.  So the new friend-lovers decide not to tell their perspective besties until they really know that the key’s going to fit in the keyhole.  I know what you’re thinking:  How old are these women that they can’t admit they are friends to their other friends??  Please remember this is Orange County, and therefore, not really real life.
Oh Heyyyyyy look who it is!  It’s Vicki Gunvalson , the ORIGINAL housewife!!  All hail Vicki Gunvalson, lord of the cray cray, queen of the betches.  I missed you Vicki, gawddammit this woman is nuts.  Vicki is scurrying around her house with her son Michael trying to prepare it for a showing.  That’s right, bow your heads for a moment of mourning, Vicki is selling her Coto house.  I feel like I grew up in this house!  I mean, I have grown up in it since 2006 when Vicki first let us in, back when she was selling life insurance plans one at a time out of her home office with the help of Lauri Waring-Peterson.  I have felt like one of the Gunvalson kids this whole time about Vicki and Donn’s divorce, and I do about the house being sold as well.  *Tear*

Of course since it’s Vicki, she’s running around like a mouse on crack trying to make everything look perfect for the showing.  She has to line up the lines of Mike’s bed comforter and pillows PERFECTLY, much to Mike’s chagrin.  And who knew you were supposed to karate chop your decorative pillows in the middle??  Have I mentioned yet that Donn still lives in the house?  Oh yeah, Donn and Vicki still live in the house together for financial reasons, even though they are both seeing someone else.  Luckily, Vicki WORKS!!!  So she never sees him and he never sees her, and it works for them.  Did you notice Vicki and Tamra took like a “hot second” (thank you Brandi Glanville) to move on from their divorces?  They had men on their back burners.  Vicki’s new love tank filler is a southern man named Brooks.  Their men have a lot in common actually.  They’re both foreign (Eddie is Latin, Brooks is from the south) and they’re both about five years younger than the ladies.  Can I get a WOOHOO!

Read this in a whisper:  Everyone’s still sleeping at Bubbies Bellino’s 7,000 square foot house so shhhhhh, we’re whispering.  I hope Bubbies doesn’t get into any trouble with child labor laws given that her assistant has to be all of eleven years old.  Why does Bubbies have an assistant you ask?  Because she’s a working girl now you guys!  She had a venture come into her life, much like a fairy tale.  You see, a handsome young prince with only one chin who is willing to change his own kids’ diapers rode in on a white Bentley that cost more than Peggy Tanous’s white Bentley and handed Bubbies a rose and a letter, and in that letter it said she would go on some low rated satellite channel news segment in San Diego and then they asked her to come back once a week on Fridays for a beauty/health/fitness segment which they regretted whole-heartedly ever after.  Time management is Bubbies’ best friend on Fridays, it helps her do everything she needs to get done.  OHHH except set the alarm for Jim-God to wake up and tell the nanny what to do.  Oop!  Silly Bubbies.  She’s so stoopid.  I mean that in the nicest way possible: see how it’s nicer when you spell it that way?

Tamra meets Vicki for a little office lunch.  Tamra thinks Donn still living in the house with Vicki is “some serious Jerry Springer shit.”  You mean it’s like throwing a cease and desist letter and a glass of wine in the face of a fifty year old woman??  Anywhoo, Donn’s taking the river house and Vicki’s sad.  Vicki, you wanted to sell the river house and buy a yacht in season 4 so don’t act like you’re that attached.  Let Donn have the river house!  Donn needs a place to cry.  Donn’s a crier.  We all know this.  Ok apparently Donn’s also looking into getting spousal support too which you know makes Vicki CRAYYYYYY.  OMG there is nothing in this world Vicki luuuurves more than her kids and her money.  Don’t f*** with either one.  We learned a couple more things at this lunch.  Evidently the conch in Turks and Caicos didn’t help out in the libido department like Vicki said because according to her she had cobwebs in her hoohah until Brooksey came ‘round.  But don’t ask Vicki about sex though, it’s inappro.  Also, Vicki’s having a partay and she’s going to invite all the girls including Gretchen, Tamra’s secret luuurve friend.
Tamra meets a totally staged -I MEAN- totally random real estate client who is a potential buyer of a property Tamra’s showing.  Tamra has to work as a real life real estate agent now because Simon doesn’t pay alimony and she might have to pay Eddie rent at some point.

Meet the new girl!  Heather Dubrow is fancy and Tamra luuuurves everything about her.  This broad is the rich kind of rich.  And don’t worry, last time she walked on a 4.9 million dollar dirt lot she was wearing high heels and had a baby strapped to the front of her and…whoops!  She almost took a digger right there (I had to throw that in because how ironic was that?  Talking about how graceful you are and then nearly tripping- you can’t write this shit).  Selling dirt lots to Heather is hard.  Heather’s not used to seeing rooftops.  Heather’s not used to roads with cars on them.  Heather’s not used to living above a shopping center.  Heather’s used to good views though.  But Heather doesn’t like height limits.  Ok so this 4.9 million dollar lot isn’t as big as the one they’re on now AND you can see rooftops.  So Tamra invites Heather to coffee because clearly she needs to have a biznatch relationship with this woman who only likes homes placed ON the ocean and needs to see more options. 
Tamra calls Vicki to tell her about her new potential client/potential friend.  Vicki’s just excited to hear Tamra’s WORKING!  Tams asks Vicks if she can invite H-Dog to the partay even though she’s new and Vicki’s all “The more the merrier” and BOOM.  We have a new cast member folks.  Let the games begin…
Oh dear Jim-God, Bubbies is gonna be live on TV.  This week’s segment features Dr. Booty (who may be a real doctor or may just play one on TV, we’re not sure).  Watching Bubbies try to memorize lines makes me want to poke my little painted-on eyes out of my little plastic skull.  It was like Revenge of the Air Heads, they were everywhere!  At three and a half minutes til go time, Bubbies takes a five minute break, you know, for the lip gloss.  When she realizes she’s supposed to be “on” she is literally running to her mark as the crew yell-whispers, “We’re live!  We’re live!  We’re live you idiot! (I added that last part)” 
Well, this threw Bubbies off her game I think.  Let’s hope that is what happened.  Let’s hope she’s not really that bad at this.  She has no “journalistic background” you see, but she’s always wanted to be like Katie Koerig, whoever that is.  If I were trying to break into the industry, I would want to be like Katie Couric, but these are just the dreams of babes my friends.
“I’m intelligent.  I can go anywhere.  I can fly to the moon if I want.”
Ok Bubbies.  Feel free to do so.  I liked when they showed the anchors at the end.  Their faces were priceless.  They made a couple of comments afterwards too, which Andy Cohen showed on Watch What Happens Live last night and it was FUNNY.  Something about how the segment made them feel good about all of their “substance”…
You know it’s bad when San Diego anchors are commenting about your lack of substance.
Heather and Tamra meet for coffee and tea.  Yes, I said coffee and tea, not cocktails at 11am. If Heather makes Tamra more classy, I say bring on the Heather.  Oh hi Chanel.  If Heather wears Chanel, I say bring on the Heather.  There’s a little getting to know you talk…Heather’s been married to a plastic surgeon for thirteen years…it’s like an investment in her future…blah blah blah….booshit booshit booshit…And then Tamra invites her to Vicki’s party.  When asked who else will be in attendance, Tamra gives Heather a full cast bio rundown and throws in a couple of passive aggressive comments about Bubbies.  I see where this is going…
Everyone is getting ready for the partay.  Bubbies arrives at Gretchen’s house and gifts her with an Alexis Couture original.  Peggy arrives at Tamra’s house for a pre-party goblet o’ wine.  Here’s the deal with Peggy you guys:  Peggy’s not been fired, nor has she quit officially.  Bravo wanted to make her storyline about her past with Jim and Peggy wouldn’t agree to it so she basically just didn’t film.  So from what I understand, she’ll be in the first couple of episodes and then we probably won’t see her.  So Peggy thinks Bubbies is nutso, and Bubbies thinks Peggy belongs in the “looney bin house,” which is sort of redundant, but whatever.  The fight of course is because Peggy used to date Jim-God Almighty back like fifteen years ago, so obvi there’s beef.  Jim-God and Bubbies got over it because he put his hand on her head and graced her with more stupidity and then turned her water into wine which she guzzled, and then she felt better.  Tamra has to know WHY Peggy would ever date the likes of Jim-God, being as she’s not that holy.  Peggy tells her he dated ALL the hottest women in the OC back in his partying days.    Tamra’s like, “WHYYYYYY?!?!” and Peggy’s screaming in her head, “BECAUSE HE HAD A SHIT-TON OF MONEY, DUH!!!!” but she won’t say that on TV so she just squeaks and shrugs.  Oh Peggy, we all heard your “list” last season, we know you’re type is “money.”  Of course sex-crazed Tamra thinks he must have an enormous penis.  Bubbies just thinks Peggy must be obsessed with Jim-God, as is everyone, right?  To this, Gretchen laughs, and so do we.
Gretchen and Bubbies odd and under-dressed friend Sarah arrives to the house and they get in the limo to head to the partay.  Something tells me we see more of Sarah later.  OH I KNOW:  it’s the THREE page novel of a blog she wrote on Bravo’s official RHOC page.  If you get a chance, read through it.  It’s gooood stuff.  Give yourself like a cool three hours to get through it though, it’s practically a trilogy. 
Heather’s waiting in the limo outside of Tamra’s house all mo-money style for Tamra and Peggy to get the hell in the damn car.  She’s on time and not pre-partying.  How is she going to make it in this group??  Because Vicki’s dating a southern man now she likes southern food now so she’s throwing a craw fish fry or something.  Also, she’s happy because she’s getting laid.  The guests arrive!  Bubbies wants to be natural, cordial, and ladylike with Peggy, but then she’s just like “nahhhhhh.”  This is going to be good.

To wrap up, I think I like Heather.  She’s seemed pretentious as hell in this episode, but I think it’s because she’s a lot smarter than most of these women and truly “classy” which is a term used loosely on this franchise, so we’re just not used to her yet. 
Next week we get to see what goes down during this first dinner party.  If this one goes south (no pun intended) I’m going to call it “The Southern Dinner Part from Hell.”  Fair warning.  Until next week my sweets…

Tuesday, February 7, 2012

And Glanville Brings it Home

Well, if I had a dollar for every facial expression Kyle made last night that made me want to throw a Spice Girl at the TV I would buy you all Gucci handbags.  I try not to be bias, I really do you guys, but Brandi brought it so hard last night.  She called it all out and they were left a’spittin’ and a’sputterin’, and I was literally up out of my seat cheering for the left couch.  Let us begin…
Hmmm…what do I want to talk about first…oh yeah.  I love how Kyle doesn’t like to jump in the middle of fights when it is to stick up for Lisa, but Taylor can’t go three words without Mrs. Mmmmmauricio tapping in.  Was Taylor thinking about her child and her late estranged husband’s other children when she released a book depicting all the horrifying acts of abuse she experienced that he cannot even defend himself against now???  I’m going to say no.  It’s a lot like how she wouldn’t leave him because there was “no way out” until Bravo threatened to slash her contract like a couple of motorcycle tires (we’ll get to that later) and then leaving was so easy.  How about at the end where she set it up to look like she had NO idea of what was going on with his finances and BOO HOO everyone is suing me now.  Really Taylor?  REALLY???  Do we look like a bunch of idiots?  Why bring up a suitcase by his body??  Oh and when Brandi comments on how long it’s been since the book came out Taylor shouts, “That’s none of your business!” and Brandi says, “YOU MADE IT THE WORLD’S BUSINESS!!!” I literally stood up and cheered because, Bitch please!  You DID make it the world’s business!!  You are actually sitting on a couch right now in the middle of MAKING IT THE WORLD’S BUSINESS.  Oh then we have Kyle with her gawddamn eye rolls pipe in with, “Don’t judge others until you’ve walked in their shoes.”  This comes from the same woman who moments earlier said Brandi slashing Eddie Cibrian’s motorcycle tires was “frightening.”  Let me start a new paragraph for this rant…

REALLY KYLE??  Because I saw on last season’s “Lost Footage” episode what you did to some drunker than ten drunk guys drunk lady who was hanging all over Mmmmauricio.  You literally man-handled her and threw her out of your party.  So you’re going to tell me, Kyle, that you wouldn’t slash Mmmmauricio’s tires if he was cheating on you while you were pregnant with Portia????  Let us not judge others until we’ve walked in their shoes Kyle…tisk tisk.
When asked who was talking behind people’s backs, Lisa points out that Brandi actually told her of an incident.  Adrienne grills Brandi on who she said did so, rather suspiciously I thought, why are you so nervous Adrienne?  Brandi said calmly, “You.”  Adrienne sputters, “That’s not nice.  That’s not nice,” and so ensues some lame argument about when they last saw each other.  Ladies, I really don’t want to sit here and listen about your twatting tweets and your tweeter toos.  Having a tweet-fight is about as mature as throwing a flaming bag of poo at your seventh grade English teacher’s front door so really, spare us.  But the gist in case you’re wondering is that Adrienne and Brandi haven’t seen each other since the wrapping of the show, though Adrienne did invite her to a Halloween party (I rest my case).

When asked about the bikini she wore in Hawaii, Brandi comments, “You were lucky I was wearing a top.”  Did you all see Kyle’s face??  Fun Fact:  Kyle actually owns a tiny part of the BH franchise because she helped cast the show and she exercised her ownership by forbidding the camera people to film her from just under the bubbies down in her swimsuit in Hawaii.  But yeah, she’s not insecure.  What would she have to be insecure about??...
Which brings me to eye roll nine hundred and thirty-seven.  When asked about Game Night, Brandi said she felt bullied in a room where she had no friends and hit her breaking point.  Also, Kim is in rehab for substance abuse so she feels she was right to assume that’s what was happening, though she regrets using the term “crystal meth.”  Kyle points out that Kim is in rehab for alcohol abuse, not crystal meth.  Well, I mean, we all know alcohol doesn’t have the same taboo as cocaine so I would stick with the booze thing too if I were Kim, but come on.  She wasn’t in and out of the bathroom all night snorting lines of vodka, just sayin’.  Anywhoo, Kyle’s like, “I wasn’t the one who hid your crutches,” and Brandi’s like, “Yeah, but you knew they were hidden and knowledge is power and you could have rectified the situation.”  BOOM. POW. PUNCH.  What did Kyle say back?  No one remembers??  Exactly.

This brings me to another great Kyle vs. Brandi moment where Kyle says to Brandi, “You’re Angry Spice,” and Brandi says, “What does that make you?”  Burned, Richards.  Burned.
Let’s do Taylor vs. Brandi again.  The ladies are talking about whether or not Lisa and Taylor’s make-up was genuine and Brandi says she thinks it is because she said something negative to Lisa about Taylor and Lisa was on it like the Queen on jewels defending her new friend.  When asked what the negative thing Brandi said was, she replied she had run into Russell somewhere and he told her Taylor made him send the email to Camille and he was upset because he liked Camille.  Taylor’s claws COME OUT and she’s like:
“Well, he’s a master manipulator and he’s manipulated everyone in the world and no one knows him like me because I love him so much even though he beat the shit out of me but we just have a business relationship that I would like to make more touchy feely so I went to therapy where I fell in real love with my doctor of osteopathic medicine Dr. Sophy and I was on the Today Show where I ACTUALLY called out Russell’s sister, who thinks I’m a gold digger who is full of shit, for being a CRYSTAL METH addict for the last five years and told Anne Curry or whoeverthefuck that she really wouldn’t know due to the meth and no one knew the Russell I knew who gave me the money to throw a sixty thousand dollar birthday party but I had just nooooo idea about anything having to do with his finances and there was a briefcase full of stuff I KNOW NOTHING ABOUT that I feel is important to bring up because, did you know I’m being sued by like everyone on Earth???  But I have zero self-confidence.  But I signed up to be on a reaity TV show.  For two seasons.  I am SUCH a delicate flower.”

Did you know Taylor shopped around her “story” to all the news outlets and was turned down by Barbara Walters because Taylor’s list of acceptable questions was this big?  Interesting, huh.
I luuuurve how Camille knows Taylor is full of shit.  Did you see that?  Did you notice?  I also luuuuurved when Taylor tried to throw the whole, “You said, ‘I’ll kill you,’ twice,” at Brandi referring to Game Night and Lisa came to Brandi’s defense saying it’s doubtful she was really going to kill her and I thought it was tactful of Lisa not to mention that Taylor did the SAME FUCKING THING last season when she told Kim she was going to “take her out back in the alley and pull some Oklahoma on her ass” and when confronted about it on the reunion in Season One said to Kim in her now-famously condescending tone, “Did you REALLY think I was going to beat you up?”  Did you really think Brandi was going to kill you on one foot Taylor???  Brandi had the line of the night, “Whooa Oklahoma.”  Taylor’s just the worst.  She’s the worst!  And that’s saying a lot with Kyle on the cast.  It’s not right that I’m looking forward to RH of Orange County so I can have a break from the bullshit.  I mean, cray drama is one thing, but this dead man/scam artist/compulsive liar stuff is draining.

Let me now address the whole Camille Season One vs. Camille Season Two thing.  Camille is anything but boring you guys.  Even when she’s trying to be all quiet and demure she’s ready.  Like at the Tea Party when she outed Taylor on basically telling everyone her “secret” and then taking it back whenever it was convenient.  Like on the left couch last night where she called out Taylor for blatantly lying about Camille saying Lisa said she and Taylor were not friends.  Like when she made the countless remarks referring to her ex-husband possibly being attracted to the menfolk and having a small ding-a-ling and being an awful kisser and a cross-dresser.  Dear Sweet Camille-Jebus, you will always be the savior to our housewives, the wind in my sail, and the voice of reason in a world where reason does not exist. 
That is all for now you guys.  I know this sounded one sided, but that’s just because it was one-sided.  I’m not sure if I have it in me to come back after next week’s conclusion.  Can I deal with the fact that Kim won’t admit to anything but booze??  It’s too soon to tell I suppose.  What I can say is, I hope Brandi, Lisa and Camille all come back next season and I hope Brandi takes Kyle out back and goes Oklahoma on her ass, whatever that means.