Wednesday, February 1, 2012

The Maloof Hoof vs. The Vanderpump: Round IV

Well, that went pretty much how I thought it would go.  I’m going to do a quick write-up on Part One since I know we’re all just waiting for Part Two when Brandi unleashes the fury and Part Three when we hear in Kim’s own words what demons haunted her throughout the season and if she burned the Christmas present blouse as part of her rehab healing process.  Let us begin…

Lisa vs. Adrienne
WTF Adrienne.  You’ve really made us all look bad.  Here we were, thinking you were the normal-minded one, and you show up in a psychedelic tablecloth spouting cray bullshit at everyone.  Mainly, Adrienne had beef with her old next door neighbor, Mrs. Vanderpump.  Adrienne accused Lisa of being a mean ol’ Brit with a biting tongue and a disloyal side.  She didn’t appreciate Lisa’s “Maloof Hoof” joke.  Really?  REALLY??  Adrienne, I don’t think Lisa was actually saying that your shoes should only be worn by llamas and donkeys.  See how it rhythms and that’s kind of funny?  No?  Alrighty. 
Adrienne also went ahead and accused Lisa of “selling stories” to the tabloids.  Camille’s like, “Mmm Hmm, I heard that too.  One of the TMZ guys called me and said if I don’t give him the story Lisa definitely will.”  Ok so you ladies are basing your assumptions on something a TMZ REPORTER told you??  This can only mean one thing readers:  Botox is bad for the brain.  That’s like if I went up there and said, “Adrienne, I heard you beat JackPot.  Yeah, yeah, I heard it so it’s true.  Who told me?  This little boy.  He was in a field crying wolf because it’s his job and he told me and I believe him and it’s a fact.” 
That reminds me: Adrienne is also mad that Lisa called JackPot “CrackPot” in a tweet.  IN A TWEET.  Like, as in on Twitter.  So these women are now officially thirteen years old.  Adrienne honey, stop sippin’ the Haterade.  You know who else needs to cool it on the Haterade?  Bernie the disgruntled chef.  He’s talking all kinds of shit around town about Lisa and her thinking his food is dry, that ballsy bitch.  Bernie can make edible gold dust Lisa!  You hush your mouth about Bernie, or he’ll reveal all of your secrets on his Facebook page only to be threatened by Bravo and forced to take them down (that actually happened).

Lisa vs. Kyle
Since it was “Bash on Lisa Night,” Kyle chimed in with her intellectually stimulating opinions.  She told Lisa it is hard to be friends with her because “every move is calculated.”  She said being friends with Lisa is like playing chess with Bobby Fisher.  Or maybe Kyle, just maybe, Lisa is about a hundred times smarter than you (as is Bobby Fisher) and you just feel like you’re playing catch-up all the time.  I am by no means blindly defending Lisa here.  I truly thought the accusations that were being thrown around were total bullshit.  I actually felt bad for Lisa at a couple of points, I truly did.  One of those points was when I saw the marks from her facelift.  Watch for them next Monday, there’s a clear line up from her eyebrow.  I’m convinced she did get the butt implants too by the way.  I think Rosia the closet slave did them in the basement though so no one could ever find out.  That’s what Bernie told me anyway.

Taylor vs. Camille
Taylor, give it up, I’m on to you.  Apparently Brandi ran into Russell at some point and he told her he and Taylor drafted the threatening email to Camille together.  Brandi then told Camille and Adrienne that which is why they thought Taylor knew about the email.  There are two reasons why I believe this.  One: I actually believe just by what I saw of Russell, that if he saw Brandi walking down the street he would actually stop and tell her this because he was that bizarre.  It seemed he was always more than willing to tell his side of the story, even with someone his wife barely knew.  Two:  Taylor said to Kyle in the limo on her way to the Malibu Party from Hell that she was SO angry at Camille for what she said at the Tea Party from Hell and she freaked out SO much that night that I could TOTALLY believe she at least knew that Russell was going to write the email.  Anyway, I think Camille has every right to demand an apology from Taylor who really put her in an awful position by throwing her under the bus with Russell who Taylor knew was CRAY.  Side note: Does anyone else think Taylor and Dr. Sophie are working with more than just a doctor/patient relationship??...

Taylor vs. Russell
I’m not going to say much about this because one side of the party is dead and cannot defend himself, but I was really hit hard (jebus, no pun intended) when Taylor said that the emotional abuse was so bad that she would want him to hit her just to get it over with.  Yikes.  That is heavy stuff.  I think Russell was battling some deep dark demons and the whole thing is tragic.  Do you agree with Camille that the season shouldn’t have aired in respect for his children or with Adrienne that it should have aired to shed light on domestic abuse and suicide prevention, or with me that it should have aired so we could watch all of the other crap that went on so we could talk shit about it right here, right now?

Alright, that’s all I have for this installment.  I’ll meet you right back here after Part Two which will be wayyyyy more interesting because Brandi is going to BRING IT.  Cock!


  1. Hey! I just found this blog (this is a blog right?) when I was bitching on Brandi's FB (honestly have never done something like that before) and I saw this and I linked to. I love it! I ,love love love your stuff! Can you please talk about, just for a minute, how weird Kim's boyfriend is! Also, no one is talking about the bizarre bathroom incident. yes, with Kim you have to say "Which bathroom incident". The one I'm referring to is at the restaurant opening for Lisa. How she was in the bathroom and her boyfriend was awkwardly knocking on the door with Kim screaming "leave me alone". And then Mauriso's mom forgot her "mind your own business" pills at home that night, and was also inquiring about the whole thing! Rumor has it, they forgot for a minute they were at a BH restaurant opening and thought they were in the local BH trailer park--mixing drugs and booze can do that to the best of us. Come to think of it though, the bathroom scene in the hotel before hand was disturbing on a whole other level.

    1. Hey Erin! Kim's bf is definitely a piece of work, but next to her looks like the sane one. yikes. I heard that the night of the SUR opening, Kim was actually in and out of the bathroom all night, as opposed to one long trip which is what editing made it seem like. That's actually worse as far as suspicious behavior. She's FOR SURE not just an alcoholic. And the hotel bathroom scene?? It takes more than a few valium and a 7up to have that look on your face. ;) I'll be writing on each of the reunions and then on RH of Orange County, which is also a wonderfully hot mess. Thank you for reading and commenting!! XOXO

  2. Kim and Kyle are so eager so say she's an alchy (sorry if I'm not being sympathetic or whatever)to cover up her drug problem, I was soo thrilled you pointed out that she pulled one of her own empty drug bags and called it poop! I was sure I was the only one on Earth who noticed that!
    Can't wait till Real Narcissists of Orange County starts, where do you even start when those gals (and guys)...OHH one more thing about BH! Every time Dana comes on the screen I puke in my mouth a little bit, she can't wear a piece of clothing without pointing out how expensive it is..and she lets them call Brandi Trashy?!? Did she point out her $3.00 earrings from Clairs in High School? WTF is wrong with these people?! OK sorry to go on and on...I'm just really excited I found a blog that talks about the Nutty Housewives the way they really are but in such a Hilarious way! Thanks!