Tuesday, February 7, 2012

And Glanville Brings it Home

Well, if I had a dollar for every facial expression Kyle made last night that made me want to throw a Spice Girl at the TV I would buy you all Gucci handbags.  I try not to be bias, I really do you guys, but Brandi brought it so hard last night.  She called it all out and they were left a’spittin’ and a’sputterin’, and I was literally up out of my seat cheering for the left couch.  Let us begin…
Hmmm…what do I want to talk about first…oh yeah.  I love how Kyle doesn’t like to jump in the middle of fights when it is to stick up for Lisa, but Taylor can’t go three words without Mrs. Mmmmmauricio tapping in.  Was Taylor thinking about her child and her late estranged husband’s other children when she released a book depicting all the horrifying acts of abuse she experienced that he cannot even defend himself against now???  I’m going to say no.  It’s a lot like how she wouldn’t leave him because there was “no way out” until Bravo threatened to slash her contract like a couple of motorcycle tires (we’ll get to that later) and then leaving was so easy.  How about at the end where she set it up to look like she had NO idea of what was going on with his finances and BOO HOO everyone is suing me now.  Really Taylor?  REALLY???  Do we look like a bunch of idiots?  Why bring up a suitcase by his body??  Oh and when Brandi comments on how long it’s been since the book came out Taylor shouts, “That’s none of your business!” and Brandi says, “YOU MADE IT THE WORLD’S BUSINESS!!!” I literally stood up and cheered because, Bitch please!  You DID make it the world’s business!!  You are actually sitting on a couch right now in the middle of MAKING IT THE WORLD’S BUSINESS.  Oh then we have Kyle with her gawddamn eye rolls pipe in with, “Don’t judge others until you’ve walked in their shoes.”  This comes from the same woman who moments earlier said Brandi slashing Eddie Cibrian’s motorcycle tires was “frightening.”  Let me start a new paragraph for this rant…

REALLY KYLE??  Because I saw on last season’s “Lost Footage” episode what you did to some drunker than ten drunk guys drunk lady who was hanging all over Mmmmauricio.  You literally man-handled her and threw her out of your party.  So you’re going to tell me, Kyle, that you wouldn’t slash Mmmmauricio’s tires if he was cheating on you while you were pregnant with Portia????  Let us not judge others until we’ve walked in their shoes Kyle…tisk tisk.
When asked who was talking behind people’s backs, Lisa points out that Brandi actually told her of an incident.  Adrienne grills Brandi on who she said did so, rather suspiciously I thought, why are you so nervous Adrienne?  Brandi said calmly, “You.”  Adrienne sputters, “That’s not nice.  That’s not nice,” and so ensues some lame argument about when they last saw each other.  Ladies, I really don’t want to sit here and listen about your twatting tweets and your tweeter toos.  Having a tweet-fight is about as mature as throwing a flaming bag of poo at your seventh grade English teacher’s front door so really, spare us.  But the gist in case you’re wondering is that Adrienne and Brandi haven’t seen each other since the wrapping of the show, though Adrienne did invite her to a Halloween party (I rest my case).

When asked about the bikini she wore in Hawaii, Brandi comments, “You were lucky I was wearing a top.”  Did you all see Kyle’s face??  Fun Fact:  Kyle actually owns a tiny part of the BH franchise because she helped cast the show and she exercised her ownership by forbidding the camera people to film her from just under the bubbies down in her swimsuit in Hawaii.  But yeah, she’s not insecure.  What would she have to be insecure about??...
Which brings me to eye roll nine hundred and thirty-seven.  When asked about Game Night, Brandi said she felt bullied in a room where she had no friends and hit her breaking point.  Also, Kim is in rehab for substance abuse so she feels she was right to assume that’s what was happening, though she regrets using the term “crystal meth.”  Kyle points out that Kim is in rehab for alcohol abuse, not crystal meth.  Well, I mean, we all know alcohol doesn’t have the same taboo as cocaine so I would stick with the booze thing too if I were Kim, but come on.  She wasn’t in and out of the bathroom all night snorting lines of vodka, just sayin’.  Anywhoo, Kyle’s like, “I wasn’t the one who hid your crutches,” and Brandi’s like, “Yeah, but you knew they were hidden and knowledge is power and you could have rectified the situation.”  BOOM. POW. PUNCH.  What did Kyle say back?  No one remembers??  Exactly.

This brings me to another great Kyle vs. Brandi moment where Kyle says to Brandi, “You’re Angry Spice,” and Brandi says, “What does that make you?”  Burned, Richards.  Burned.
Let’s do Taylor vs. Brandi again.  The ladies are talking about whether or not Lisa and Taylor’s make-up was genuine and Brandi says she thinks it is because she said something negative to Lisa about Taylor and Lisa was on it like the Queen on jewels defending her new friend.  When asked what the negative thing Brandi said was, she replied she had run into Russell somewhere and he told her Taylor made him send the email to Camille and he was upset because he liked Camille.  Taylor’s claws COME OUT and she’s like:
“Well, he’s a master manipulator and he’s manipulated everyone in the world and no one knows him like me because I love him so much even though he beat the shit out of me but we just have a business relationship that I would like to make more touchy feely so I went to therapy where I fell in real love with my doctor of osteopathic medicine Dr. Sophy and I was on the Today Show where I ACTUALLY called out Russell’s sister, who thinks I’m a gold digger who is full of shit, for being a CRYSTAL METH addict for the last five years and told Anne Curry or whoeverthefuck that she really wouldn’t know due to the meth and no one knew the Russell I knew who gave me the money to throw a sixty thousand dollar birthday party but I had just nooooo idea about anything having to do with his finances and there was a briefcase full of stuff I KNOW NOTHING ABOUT that I feel is important to bring up because, did you know I’m being sued by like everyone on Earth???  But I have zero self-confidence.  But I signed up to be on a reaity TV show.  For two seasons.  I am SUCH a delicate flower.”

Did you know Taylor shopped around her “story” to all the news outlets and was turned down by Barbara Walters because Taylor’s list of acceptable questions was this big?  Interesting, huh.
I luuuurve how Camille knows Taylor is full of shit.  Did you see that?  Did you notice?  I also luuuuurved when Taylor tried to throw the whole, “You said, ‘I’ll kill you,’ twice,” at Brandi referring to Game Night and Lisa came to Brandi’s defense saying it’s doubtful she was really going to kill her and I thought it was tactful of Lisa not to mention that Taylor did the SAME FUCKING THING last season when she told Kim she was going to “take her out back in the alley and pull some Oklahoma on her ass” and when confronted about it on the reunion in Season One said to Kim in her now-famously condescending tone, “Did you REALLY think I was going to beat you up?”  Did you really think Brandi was going to kill you on one foot Taylor???  Brandi had the line of the night, “Whooa Oklahoma.”  Taylor’s just the worst.  She’s the worst!  And that’s saying a lot with Kyle on the cast.  It’s not right that I’m looking forward to RH of Orange County so I can have a break from the bullshit.  I mean, cray drama is one thing, but this dead man/scam artist/compulsive liar stuff is draining.

Let me now address the whole Camille Season One vs. Camille Season Two thing.  Camille is anything but boring you guys.  Even when she’s trying to be all quiet and demure she’s ready.  Like at the Tea Party when she outed Taylor on basically telling everyone her “secret” and then taking it back whenever it was convenient.  Like on the left couch last night where she called out Taylor for blatantly lying about Camille saying Lisa said she and Taylor were not friends.  Like when she made the countless remarks referring to her ex-husband possibly being attracted to the menfolk and having a small ding-a-ling and being an awful kisser and a cross-dresser.  Dear Sweet Camille-Jebus, you will always be the savior to our housewives, the wind in my sail, and the voice of reason in a world where reason does not exist. 
That is all for now you guys.  I know this sounded one sided, but that’s just because it was one-sided.  I’m not sure if I have it in me to come back after next week’s conclusion.  Can I deal with the fact that Kim won’t admit to anything but booze??  It’s too soon to tell I suppose.  What I can say is, I hope Brandi, Lisa and Camille all come back next season and I hope Brandi takes Kyle out back and goes Oklahoma on her ass, whatever that means.


  1. I want to take the limo scene with the empty coke (or some not legal substance) and blow it up and have Andy Cohen ask Kim about that. Also...I can't get over Taylor, I never hated her before this reunion but she is the one who's a master manipulator. She is clearly not as weak as she wants everyone to think she is. That is the card she is playing, and look how well it's working! The way she treated Brandi was unreal. unreal. Way to empower women (like barbie said, setting an example by starting with her friends in front of 20 million people)Taylor, doing a great job so far.

  2. I am in lve with you. Pls protect your address from me to refrain my stalking capabilities. The end....

    1. Also. This is Emily wood lol. I still love you Nicole! JEBUS. You're silly and make me still snort laugh.