Friday, February 24, 2012
Who is Art, and Why is He Coming to Our Party?
Welcome back kiddies! Sorry I am so late here, but let us not dwell. I want to get started right away as there is much to discuss…
Back in Catalina, Tamra and Eddie discuss how their relationship is changing. It used to be OK for Tamra to put her friend’s boyfriend’s hand on her boob and rub it up and down, but not anymore. Things are getting more serious between these two. They’re not just about televised bathtub sex scenes anymore. So while Tams and Eds are conversing about this outside the dinner restaurant, Brooks and Vicki order wine and pretend this isn’t totally awkward. Have you noticed Vicki has a different voice when she talks to Brooks? It’s all light and flirty-like. If you haven’t noticed, listen next time. She’s like, “What is it? Wine before liquor?? Hehehoohoo,” in her best Marilyn impression. We never heard her talk to Donn that way. *tear*
Back on the fightin’ bench, Tamra tells Eddie she doesn’t like him touching Vicki. Really Tamra? Could you be anymore insecure?? You thought Eddie was mentally getting it on with Vicki as they high-fived and talked about being Aries together? You thought there was a chance they might sneak out of their prospective rooms and have a midnight rendezvous in the light of the Catalina moon? Eddie looks JUST like one of my favorite gay friends by the way, it trips me out.
Don Juan explains that Tamra can’t go around making other dudes grab her boobs anymore, even if they are fake. She’s like, “[cry cry] Ok I understand [cry cry]” and Ken, who was sitting next to me while I watched this much to his dismay said, “Why does this guy put up with this shit?” It’s the same question Simon asked himself about a year ago. Tamra and Eddie kiss and make up and join their cohorts in the restaurant. Tamra starts crying AGAIN and says to the table, “I’ve never luuuurved anyone as much as I luuuurve Eddie and I don’t want my two best friends in the world touching,” and Vicki’s like, is this betch for real? Vicki says, “Ok Tamra like seriously, it was a high five,” and Tamra’s like, “NO HIGH FIVING!!!” and we all sunk back in our seats and just felt real bad. Just when we thought this whole thing couldn’t get more ridiculous, directly after Tamra apologizes to Brooks for being disrespectful, she asks him, “Are you a tit man or an ass man?” I wish I was making this up you guys.
Our newbie Heather and her husband Terri go out to dinner and we get to join. First of all you guys, if any of you are hostesses and Heather walks into your restaurant do not, and I repeat do not, hand her the menu open. It makes her feel rushed. Also, she likes her fish cut thin so it steams all the way through. Oh and Heather doesn’t really cook but she doesn’t want to be given a hard time about it. Ok now that we’ve gotten through the rules, Heather tells Terri a little bit about Vicki’s dinner. People in the blogosphere are up in arms over Terri’s “low rent” comment about the crawfish dinner, but I think that was an editing glitch because I’m pretty sure he was referring to how the ladies reacted to the crawfish. You should know that I’m going to defend Terri all season because I adore him. Heather says he’s part husband, part little brother that she never wanted. Could that be wit? On RHOC? Noooooooo….
Heather tells Terri she is going to throw a painting party with all the ladies at a painting studio. Immediately my red flags go up- painting? With these ladies?? Terri picks up on my apprehension and asks, “Do you think they’ll get drunk and throw paint all over each other?” Heather responds dryly, “Why would they do that?” Oh Heather, clearly you didn’t watch last season’s finale episode. I still like Heather you guys, I really do. I know she’s coming off as sort of a snob right now, but in a sea of trashy I could use a life raft of pretentiousness, just sayin’.
Gretchen and Slade take the dogs out for a walk right before the roller derby judging by Gretchen’s outfit, not that I’m judging. Slade reveals to Gretchen that he was offered a gig as a one-time stand-up comedian at a comedy show she was emceeing. This is odd because not once have I ever heard Slade make a funny, and I’ve known Slade through my TV since 2006. For this reason and others, I appreciate Gretchen’s speculation. Slade’s like, “You never know, if this works out there may be a career for me in comedy.” Oh yeah, that will help you pay those back-payments on your child support. I suppose one could argue that Gretchen could have been slightly more supportive, but I totally side with her on this one based on the fact that I embarrass SUPER easily. It’s a fault. But if Ken told me he wanted to try stand-up, and Ken’s FUNNY (obvi since he’s MY life partner), I would be like, “Good luck with that Babe, I won’t be there because I would have a panic attack in the aisle, and also tell no one that you know me.” Hey, I admitted it’s a fault.
Back to Catalina with Dumb and Dumber and Crazy and Southern (I’ll let you draw your own conclusions on who is who) Tamra is getting sick on the boat cause that’s what thirteen tequila shots and an argument the night before will do to you. She and Eddie talk AGAIN about the events that unfolded the night before; the infamous boob grabbing caper. Eddie says, “I don’t want to have any more fights and I think it was due to drinking so we shouldn’t drink anymore.” And Tamra keeled over and died. Just kidding. But seriously, Tamra’s soul was shocked (she literally said that, though not really in that context, but let’s pretend for the sake of the blog) and she somehow didn’t really answer him with a yes or a no. She said, “Is there anything else? (nice deflection job Tams- 10 pts)” Eddie’s like, “Yeah, don’t put another man’s hand on your boob because clearly that upsets me.” These two. They’re brilliant, aren’t they?
Heather inviting the women over the phone to her painting party was classic. It was a tiny blurb, but so great that I dedicated this blog post’s title to it. Heather calls the ladies one by one to invite them to her painting party. Every single one of them say, “A WHAT party??” Then there was a spackle of, “I don’t paint,” and “Do we have to wear frocks?” and “What is art?” and it was hysterical. EVERY SINGLE ONE OF THE WOMEN YOU GUYS. Not one of them got “painting party” in the first round.
Gretchen and Tamra go shopping for sex toys directly after their “make-up lunch” and in the words of Forrest Gump, that’s all I have to say about that.
Finally the painting party is here! Heather has her caterer do a full carbless meal for our carbless ladies. See? She’s listening. By the way, I liked Heather’s caterer way more than Chef Bernie. Bubbies and Gretchen share a limo to the event where Gretchen finally reveals to Bubbies that she and Tamra called it quits on their war. Bubbies gripes about Peggy and how she had five months to make up with Bubbies but chose 10:15 or 10:30 at night after Vicki’s party to make her move. “Not at that time of the hour,” Bubbies says. Not at that time of the hour indeed folks. Maybe at 10:07 or 10:52 but not at the time of the hour Peggy chose.
Back at the painting studio (The WHAT?) Vicki and Tamra have arrived and the ladies find out Tamra’s been tossing her cookies all day. Of course this prompts Vicki to ask, “Are you pregnant? I don’t do babies,” which Heather responds to with, “Just drop it off at my house honey, I won’t even notice.” She meant because she has so many already running around, but also because her house is 79,000 square feet.
Bubbies and Gretchen pull up to the painting studio (The WHAT?) still discussing the make-up heard ‘round the world. Gretchen tells of the sex shop run and Bubbies asks whatever happened to yogurt dates.
Once Gretchen and Bubbies arrive, the party is underway. Heather asks the girls what sort of restaurants they like because she and some friends are opening a restaurant. Heather says there are no good restaurants in Orange County since she’s used to the likes of New York and LA eateries. Bubbies does not take kindly to this comment. She feels there are some great restaurants in OC. Well sure Bubbies, if you haven’t lived in New York or Los Angeles or San Francisco or Paris. I hate to tell you Honey, but if you’re only scale is based on restaurants in Missouri and Orange County then your scale is on a whole ‘nother scale. Not to say there are not good restaurants in Orange County because there are. But I think Heather is referring to a different caliber of restaurants and since I’m pretty sure Bubbies doesn’t know what caliber means, I’m giving her a free pass on this one.
The next point of conversation is Tamra and Gretchen’s run to the sex shop and the blow job helper they found (sorry mom, but it’s my job to tell the story). Heather’s like, “Whoooooa, I’m married honey, I don’t need to do that anymore,” and Bubbies says, “Well we’ll see if you’re married in ten years!” and if I were Heather I would have said, “Well I guess we now know what’s valued in your marriage!” but instead our class-act actress said, “I was raised not to talk about what goes on in married people’s bedrooms,” and I wondered how on Earth this woman will ever be friends with Tamra.
The painting teacher (The WHAT?) named Timree comes in and Vicki doesn’t skip a beat.
Vicki: “Your name is Timree??? That is NOT your real name, your parents would never have named you that, I call bull shit on your stupid name!”
Timree: “Uhhh, no that’s my name.”
Vicki: “I demand to see your birth certificate!”
Heather: “I actually know her parents and that is her real name.”
As the night goes on, Tamra and Gretchen are super chummy and Vicki and Bubbies are pissed. They fake chum it up too to try to get back at their old besties, but to no avail. Tamra and Gretchen are in the honeymoon phase and they are going strong.
“Gretchen, your painting is my favorite.”
“Gretchen, your hair looks so pretty like that.”
Vicki actually looks like she’s going to murder someone. She does this weird lock-jaw head shake thing and I’m genuinely frightened.
The ladies are painting and I thought the paintings were rather cute, but the ladies were humbled by their skills. Heather says painting is not one of her gifts to which Bubbies responds by asking what her gifts are to which Heather responds, “Acting, singing, I was in a big band group who opened for [someone I’ve never heard of ]” and Bubbies tells us she hates when people list their gifts when someone asks them to list their gifts.
Heather’s husband Terri shows up and the conversation goes straight to plastic surgery. Bubbies says she didn’t ask any questions because she already knows all about plastic surgery. It’s too easy you guys. Terri starts making his corny jokes saying that he and Heather have been happy for five years but unfortunately they’ve been married for twelve- ha ha. Then Tamra says, “Me too! I was married for twelve years, but now I’m having the good sex!” To this Terri stumbles a bit, tries to spit out a joke or two, and Heather says, “Oh my, I need a drink,” and walks away briefly then returns to explain her husband’s sense of humor. If we could “bedroom talk” I would say Terri probably didn’t get any that evening.
There’s some more Gretchy-Wetchy Tamra-Wamra crap and Vicki’s totally lost her shit at this point. She hugs and says goodbye to everyone but Tamra as she leaves the party with Brooks in tow, who showed up five minutes before and we don’t know quite why. Looks like there’s trouble in paradise here folks. More on that to come, I’m sure.
Gretchen comes home to Slade cooking spaghetti because they’re in luuuuurve and don’t you forget it. Gretchen tells Slade of an internet “news” story that has hit the virtual shelves regarding Vicki’s new man Brooks and his dislike of paying child support. Apparently our charming Brooks owes upwards of $40K in child support to two different baby-mommas. Oh this just really chaps Slade’s rawhide because wasn’t Vicki the one giving him shit about not paying child support?? There is definitely more on this nugget, probably a whole season’s worth.
Next week Heather and Bubbies do lunch, Slade tries to be funny, and we find out Vicki’s daughter Briana has a pretty serious health scare. Until then my luuuuurves…