Wednesday, February 8, 2012

Square Footage, Spousal Support & Smokin’ the Peace Pipe: Welcome Back Ladies of the OC!

Last night was the premier of season 7 for our First Ladies of Bravo and I luuuuuurved it.  Call them new money, call them no money, and now with our newest member you can call one real money, but any way they come these women know how to bring the drama.  Plus no one from this particular franchise has died or gone to rehab so we can just sit back and enjoy the good old fashioned soap opera-esque drama without feeling guilty and morbid, not that that stopped us or anything.  Ok I’m SO excited so let’s get started!
We open with Gretchen and Slade in their bathroom which oddly has rose petals all over the floor in the middle of the day.  These two.  We get it, you’re in luuuurve.  Gretchen is fluffing her hair with gusto getting ready for lunch with a mystery date.  Who could it be?  Slade wants to go of course, but no Slade, not this time.  Slade’s like my Chihuahua when I leave to go to work.  He’s all yapping and stressed out.  Then Slade finds out the mystery date is Tamra Barney of all the people!  Now he’s like my Chihuahua when I get home from work, let him outside to go potty, then put him back in the kitchen and leave for Happy Hour.  He was pissed.  He tells Gretchen, “It’s like you’re not even taking my feelings into consideration!”  Slade is SUCH a little bitch, I mean really.  Ok so Gretchen tells us Slade doesn’t tell her what to do because she’s an independent woman and we all realize what Gretchen has that Jo de la Rosa lacked, and that’s cojones.  So Gretchen, with a black flower in her hair and a spring in her step, leaves Slade in the bathroom to pick up the pedals while she does her thang.
Tamra and Gretchen, arch rivals and mortal enemies, seem rather calm as they discuss whether or not to eat at their lunch.  They sit down on the outdoor patio and order mojitos.  Tamra seems strangely calm and well-behaved at this point.  Is she borrowing Camille Grammer’s PR advisor/yoga instructor?  Hard to say.  The ladies start talking about their differences and how sick they are of fighting.  Thank GAWD ladies because if I had to watch one more season of you two fighting with one another I was going to serve you with a cease and desist letter and throw a glass of wine in your faces.  Gretchen thinks if Tamra could just get to know her for her she would really like her.  Tamra’s like, “I don’t trust you, you don’t trust me, but I do like you.”  Wow Tams, you have a strange way of showing it.  But when Gretchen calls Tamra out on talking some major shit she knew nothing about for the first time Tamra acknowledges she did this and apologizes “from deep in [her] heart,” which was cray.  And the Grinch’s heart grew three sizes that day.

To really seal the deal, Tamra had a bracelet made for Gretchen, a friendship bracelet if you will.  It was pink and shiny like Gretchen and featured a key.  Not just any key friends, this key has the power to lock the door to the past and to open the door to the future.  Yeah no, that happened.  Gretchen should sell that key on eBay: a key to the past and the future?  She could make a fortune.  So if anything is holding Gretchen and Tamra back from luuuurving each other until we all yak, it’s that pesky Slade who Tamra still finds revolting and the evil step-sister friends Bubbies and Vicki.  So the new friend-lovers decide not to tell their perspective besties until they really know that the key’s going to fit in the keyhole.  I know what you’re thinking:  How old are these women that they can’t admit they are friends to their other friends??  Please remember this is Orange County, and therefore, not really real life.
Oh Heyyyyyy look who it is!  It’s Vicki Gunvalson , the ORIGINAL housewife!!  All hail Vicki Gunvalson, lord of the cray cray, queen of the betches.  I missed you Vicki, gawddammit this woman is nuts.  Vicki is scurrying around her house with her son Michael trying to prepare it for a showing.  That’s right, bow your heads for a moment of mourning, Vicki is selling her Coto house.  I feel like I grew up in this house!  I mean, I have grown up in it since 2006 when Vicki first let us in, back when she was selling life insurance plans one at a time out of her home office with the help of Lauri Waring-Peterson.  I have felt like one of the Gunvalson kids this whole time about Vicki and Donn’s divorce, and I do about the house being sold as well.  *Tear*

Of course since it’s Vicki, she’s running around like a mouse on crack trying to make everything look perfect for the showing.  She has to line up the lines of Mike’s bed comforter and pillows PERFECTLY, much to Mike’s chagrin.  And who knew you were supposed to karate chop your decorative pillows in the middle??  Have I mentioned yet that Donn still lives in the house?  Oh yeah, Donn and Vicki still live in the house together for financial reasons, even though they are both seeing someone else.  Luckily, Vicki WORKS!!!  So she never sees him and he never sees her, and it works for them.  Did you notice Vicki and Tamra took like a “hot second” (thank you Brandi Glanville) to move on from their divorces?  They had men on their back burners.  Vicki’s new love tank filler is a southern man named Brooks.  Their men have a lot in common actually.  They’re both foreign (Eddie is Latin, Brooks is from the south) and they’re both about five years younger than the ladies.  Can I get a WOOHOO!

Read this in a whisper:  Everyone’s still sleeping at Bubbies Bellino’s 7,000 square foot house so shhhhhh, we’re whispering.  I hope Bubbies doesn’t get into any trouble with child labor laws given that her assistant has to be all of eleven years old.  Why does Bubbies have an assistant you ask?  Because she’s a working girl now you guys!  She had a venture come into her life, much like a fairy tale.  You see, a handsome young prince with only one chin who is willing to change his own kids’ diapers rode in on a white Bentley that cost more than Peggy Tanous’s white Bentley and handed Bubbies a rose and a letter, and in that letter it said she would go on some low rated satellite channel news segment in San Diego and then they asked her to come back once a week on Fridays for a beauty/health/fitness segment which they regretted whole-heartedly ever after.  Time management is Bubbies’ best friend on Fridays, it helps her do everything she needs to get done.  OHHH except set the alarm for Jim-God to wake up and tell the nanny what to do.  Oop!  Silly Bubbies.  She’s so stoopid.  I mean that in the nicest way possible: see how it’s nicer when you spell it that way?

Tamra meets Vicki for a little office lunch.  Tamra thinks Donn still living in the house with Vicki is “some serious Jerry Springer shit.”  You mean it’s like throwing a cease and desist letter and a glass of wine in the face of a fifty year old woman??  Anywhoo, Donn’s taking the river house and Vicki’s sad.  Vicki, you wanted to sell the river house and buy a yacht in season 4 so don’t act like you’re that attached.  Let Donn have the river house!  Donn needs a place to cry.  Donn’s a crier.  We all know this.  Ok apparently Donn’s also looking into getting spousal support too which you know makes Vicki CRAYYYYYY.  OMG there is nothing in this world Vicki luuuurves more than her kids and her money.  Don’t f*** with either one.  We learned a couple more things at this lunch.  Evidently the conch in Turks and Caicos didn’t help out in the libido department like Vicki said because according to her she had cobwebs in her hoohah until Brooksey came ‘round.  But don’t ask Vicki about sex though, it’s inappro.  Also, Vicki’s having a partay and she’s going to invite all the girls including Gretchen, Tamra’s secret luuurve friend.
Tamra meets a totally staged -I MEAN- totally random real estate client who is a potential buyer of a property Tamra’s showing.  Tamra has to work as a real life real estate agent now because Simon doesn’t pay alimony and she might have to pay Eddie rent at some point.

Meet the new girl!  Heather Dubrow is fancy and Tamra luuuurves everything about her.  This broad is the rich kind of rich.  And don’t worry, last time she walked on a 4.9 million dollar dirt lot she was wearing high heels and had a baby strapped to the front of her and…whoops!  She almost took a digger right there (I had to throw that in because how ironic was that?  Talking about how graceful you are and then nearly tripping- you can’t write this shit).  Selling dirt lots to Heather is hard.  Heather’s not used to seeing rooftops.  Heather’s not used to roads with cars on them.  Heather’s not used to living above a shopping center.  Heather’s used to good views though.  But Heather doesn’t like height limits.  Ok so this 4.9 million dollar lot isn’t as big as the one they’re on now AND you can see rooftops.  So Tamra invites Heather to coffee because clearly she needs to have a biznatch relationship with this woman who only likes homes placed ON the ocean and needs to see more options. 
Tamra calls Vicki to tell her about her new potential client/potential friend.  Vicki’s just excited to hear Tamra’s WORKING!  Tams asks Vicks if she can invite H-Dog to the partay even though she’s new and Vicki’s all “The more the merrier” and BOOM.  We have a new cast member folks.  Let the games begin…
Oh dear Jim-God, Bubbies is gonna be live on TV.  This week’s segment features Dr. Booty (who may be a real doctor or may just play one on TV, we’re not sure).  Watching Bubbies try to memorize lines makes me want to poke my little painted-on eyes out of my little plastic skull.  It was like Revenge of the Air Heads, they were everywhere!  At three and a half minutes til go time, Bubbies takes a five minute break, you know, for the lip gloss.  When she realizes she’s supposed to be “on” she is literally running to her mark as the crew yell-whispers, “We’re live!  We’re live!  We’re live you idiot! (I added that last part)” 
Well, this threw Bubbies off her game I think.  Let’s hope that is what happened.  Let’s hope she’s not really that bad at this.  She has no “journalistic background” you see, but she’s always wanted to be like Katie Koerig, whoever that is.  If I were trying to break into the industry, I would want to be like Katie Couric, but these are just the dreams of babes my friends.
“I’m intelligent.  I can go anywhere.  I can fly to the moon if I want.”
Ok Bubbies.  Feel free to do so.  I liked when they showed the anchors at the end.  Their faces were priceless.  They made a couple of comments afterwards too, which Andy Cohen showed on Watch What Happens Live last night and it was FUNNY.  Something about how the segment made them feel good about all of their “substance”…
You know it’s bad when San Diego anchors are commenting about your lack of substance.
Heather and Tamra meet for coffee and tea.  Yes, I said coffee and tea, not cocktails at 11am. If Heather makes Tamra more classy, I say bring on the Heather.  Oh hi Chanel.  If Heather wears Chanel, I say bring on the Heather.  There’s a little getting to know you talk…Heather’s been married to a plastic surgeon for thirteen years…it’s like an investment in her future…blah blah blah….booshit booshit booshit…And then Tamra invites her to Vicki’s party.  When asked who else will be in attendance, Tamra gives Heather a full cast bio rundown and throws in a couple of passive aggressive comments about Bubbies.  I see where this is going…
Everyone is getting ready for the partay.  Bubbies arrives at Gretchen’s house and gifts her with an Alexis Couture original.  Peggy arrives at Tamra’s house for a pre-party goblet o’ wine.  Here’s the deal with Peggy you guys:  Peggy’s not been fired, nor has she quit officially.  Bravo wanted to make her storyline about her past with Jim and Peggy wouldn’t agree to it so she basically just didn’t film.  So from what I understand, she’ll be in the first couple of episodes and then we probably won’t see her.  So Peggy thinks Bubbies is nutso, and Bubbies thinks Peggy belongs in the “looney bin house,” which is sort of redundant, but whatever.  The fight of course is because Peggy used to date Jim-God Almighty back like fifteen years ago, so obvi there’s beef.  Jim-God and Bubbies got over it because he put his hand on her head and graced her with more stupidity and then turned her water into wine which she guzzled, and then she felt better.  Tamra has to know WHY Peggy would ever date the likes of Jim-God, being as she’s not that holy.  Peggy tells her he dated ALL the hottest women in the OC back in his partying days.    Tamra’s like, “WHYYYYYY?!?!” and Peggy’s screaming in her head, “BECAUSE HE HAD A SHIT-TON OF MONEY, DUH!!!!” but she won’t say that on TV so she just squeaks and shrugs.  Oh Peggy, we all heard your “list” last season, we know you’re type is “money.”  Of course sex-crazed Tamra thinks he must have an enormous penis.  Bubbies just thinks Peggy must be obsessed with Jim-God, as is everyone, right?  To this, Gretchen laughs, and so do we.
Gretchen and Bubbies odd and under-dressed friend Sarah arrives to the house and they get in the limo to head to the partay.  Something tells me we see more of Sarah later.  OH I KNOW:  it’s the THREE page novel of a blog she wrote on Bravo’s official RHOC page.  If you get a chance, read through it.  It’s gooood stuff.  Give yourself like a cool three hours to get through it though, it’s practically a trilogy. 
Heather’s waiting in the limo outside of Tamra’s house all mo-money style for Tamra and Peggy to get the hell in the damn car.  She’s on time and not pre-partying.  How is she going to make it in this group??  Because Vicki’s dating a southern man now she likes southern food now so she’s throwing a craw fish fry or something.  Also, she’s happy because she’s getting laid.  The guests arrive!  Bubbies wants to be natural, cordial, and ladylike with Peggy, but then she’s just like “nahhhhhh.”  This is going to be good.

To wrap up, I think I like Heather.  She’s seemed pretentious as hell in this episode, but I think it’s because she’s a lot smarter than most of these women and truly “classy” which is a term used loosely on this franchise, so we’re just not used to her yet. 
Next week we get to see what goes down during this first dinner party.  If this one goes south (no pun intended) I’m going to call it “The Southern Dinner Part from Hell.”  Fair warning.  Until next week my sweets…

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