Thursday, March 28, 2013

Renewals, Regrets, Rehashing, and Resnick Regurgitating Rumors

Welcome back my lovelies!  Here I am, as promised.  And I’m even semi-on-time, so I hope you were sitting down when you opened this site because that was probably quite shocking. 
Ahhh, the finale.  It’s about gawddamn time.  We left off where Faye Resnick told Brandi that Adrienne and Paul’s divorce was all her fault.  Good lord, this Brandi character must be a powerful woman in Faye’s world.  She caused the demise of Kim on Game Night, sending her into a downward spiral that probably caused her to hit a rock bottom giving her that final kick she needed to bounce back into rehab (the NERVE) and here she is ruining marriages.  To top it all off, she could have destroyed Porscha’s tiny life had the child woken up in the middle of the night to find the tawdry events occurring in her pink pony bathroom, of all things good and holy.  She’s the tall, blonde, sailor-mouthed spawn of Satan is what she is.
The conversation moves away from Faye because she’s as annoying as a hemorrhoid that asks stupid questions (there is such a thing btw, as stupid questions I mean- I'm saying they're all lying to you).  Marisa claims she meant no harm spouting off that text to the women at Adrienne’s The Devil Wear Maloof Hoofs party.  Brandi forgives her, Yolanda’s over it (she met her contract quota of at least one scene of drama in the final episode) and Marisa is all like, “Now which guy at this party am I going to have sex with that isn’t my husband….”
After Faye was asked to leave the conversation between Yo-Yo, B-Dawg and Captain-Wants-to-Cheat, she scattered like a roach looking for some other trash she could devour.  She settled on our Vanderqueen, the Vanderhost of this Vanderevent.  I mean, it’s only natural to want to accost the hostess who is also renewing her vows later in the evening, at least it is in Faye’s sick and cruel world.  Faye thinks Lisa uses Brandi as her “mouthpiece” and Lisa thinks Faye acts as Kyle’s “mouthpiece” and every time any one of them uses the word “mouthpiece” it makes me want to wring their throatpiece.
Lisa thinks Faye accusing her of using a “mouthpiece” is “such an insult.”  Faye’s like, “I wasn’t trying to insult you honey, I was just trying to insult you honey.”  Meanwhile, the freaking peanut gallery is off to the side spectating and speculating.  After whispering to one another for five minutes, “Are they talking?  What are they talking about?  Are they fighting?  What are they fighting about?  Their mouths are moving and sounds are coming out, but are they talking?” they all come over and surround the two women because that always calms everything down.
Yolanda, still meeting her contractual obligations to stir up the poo after a season of mostly zen lemon picking, calls out Faye for doing the very same thing she is criticizing others for doing.  Oh my dearest, dearest Lemon Duchess: Do not thou try to talkith sense into the likes of the Resnick dragon, she knoweth not what she saysith.  Lisa is still waiting for Kyle to come to her defense against Faye, but alas, Faye is her children’s godmother and has been a friend for twenty years and is her interior designer and all these things keep Kyle from coming to Lisa’s defense.  Kyle, sweetie, you had your shot to look good in the finale and you blew it.  Defending Faye is like defending Hitler.  It’s an argument no one is going to let you win (except Faye, or Hitler).
In addition to looking like the world’s worst friend, Kyle also ends up getting called out for being the world’s worst sister, by her own sister.  Kim for the life of her cannot understand why Kyle was willing to forgive Brandi so quickly after “Game Night” but seems to be defending Adrienne against Brandi infinitely.  I think the booze and drugs have messed with Kim’s brain, I’m not kidding.  Kyle was a crazy BITCH on “Game Night” trying to defend her sister who was either high on something or coming down from something and hiding people’s crutches and calling them "slut pigs" and stuff and things.  Then she continued to defend her pretty much until she viewed the episode and/or when fans turned completely against her and she hired a PR team.  In addition, Kyle has not been awful to Brandi whatsoever while defending Adrienne in “SurroGate” so I don’t know what Kim is trying to say here.  I don’t even think Kim knows what Kim is trying to say here though so we’re going to move on…
Suddenly a cloud creeps over Villa Rosa and the splattered pink hues turn a grayish, ominous color and the winds of change pick up.  Suddenly the romantic atmosphere turns to something much darker, much more litigious.  The Maloof shuffles through the grand double glass doors and into what was, before her arrival, a party.  She is greeted immediately by a flock of crows who disguise themselves in tears, but are secretly waiting for her to die so they can pick at her bones.  Because if you were not already aware, Maloof and her husband, her caged rabbit of a husband, announced their separation to the press the morning of Lisa’s vow renewal party.  For all of you Negative Nancies out there, this was just a coincidence (yeah right). 
So Adrienne not so subtly, all puffy and red and wearing her Susie-Sad-Face she puts on when she knows humans would be feeling sad and therefore she should pretend to as well, plops herself upon Lisa’s couch making sure she rubs all of her fake tan off on it.  The two Richards sisters and the third sister Mauricio sat on the couch and cried with Adrienne and put their sad faces on as well, and of course Camille came over with her practiced sad face and gave Adrienne a big hug ("Uh oh...somebody's cryyyying").  The whole thing was pretty awkward considering they were at a vow-renewal party, which at this point everyone was aware of.  Another little gem that made it awkward was that Adrienne never said hello to Lisa or Ken, then she was insulted that they didn’t come put on their sad faces and join the pity party.  Meanwhile, Lisa and Ken, and everyone else who wasn’t faking it, were wondering why on God’s green Earth Adrienne would come to a party in this condition.  Not to worry though, as quickly as she came in, bringing the dark clouds raining tears upon her tinseled hair, she left swiftly back through the grand double glass doors and down the pebbled path to her awaiting Bravo appointed limo.  This time no Paul behind her to gently guide her along so she could bitch at him about putting his hand on her back.  I have to wonder if she missed him (she didn’t).
So was she at the party for like five minutes?  Did she forget they don’t live across the street anymore?  It seems like a ton of effort to put in to going to a party for someone who you hate on the day you announced your separation from your husband of ten years.  Eh, well, I do not pretend to know the goings-on in a mind like Maloof’s.    *shudders*
After Adrienne’s little show, Lisa retires to her bedroom to sulk about the new mood of her soiree.  It’s Brandi to the rescue, who tells Lisa not to let it bother her and if she doesn’t get her British behind down there and remarry Ken, well then, Brandi would have to do it.  Since we are all pretty sure Brandi is serious, Lisa scoots on down the staircase to her knight in shining armor of thirty years.
The vow renewal goes off without a hitch.  We’ve got Yolanda with her arm around Marisa so clearly they are back to being chums.  We have Brandi and her boobilicious side-kick Jennifer (who played Diego’s wife in the movie “Blow” and YOU ARE WELCOME for blowing your mind with that) holding hands, so there’s love in that corner.  As Ken read Lisa his vows, she looked like a girl of 21 again.  There was not a dry eye in the house, including my house.  Just kidding, I didn’t cry.  Just kidding, maybe I did.  Just kidding, I only teared up.
The end! They did the little finale quotes which are always completely asinine and this was no exception.
I’m going to blog on the reunion in its entirety, so stay tuned next week for the Reunion summary.  I think Part Two is going to be wayyyyyy better than Part One, so here’s hoping.
Until next week my darlings....

Tuesday, March 19, 2013

Housewives and Hiatuses: A Message from a Fan

I received an email yesterday notifying me that someone had commented on my last blog entry.  I have quoted the comment for you all below, and have written an open response letter:
“You should cancel this blog cause you SUCK at updating it!!! Over you! Peace out.”  - EatMyDick
Dearest EatMyDick,
Whoa there Turbo, it's just a reality TV blog, no one’s curing cancer over here, haha.  Frankly I had no idea anyone cared so much but given how long you waited until you essentially told me to fuck off, I must admit I'm flattered.
I'm hoping you'll consider giving me a second (third, fourth, fifth- who's counting?) chance.  The truth is I'm just so sick of writing about this show.  Another lovely fan like yourself, L.T. (whose name, though less imaginative, is equally as memorable) suggested "Vanderpump Rules"as a new show for me to write about, but five minutes into that show I wanted to stab screwdrivers into my eyeballs so that wasn't going to work. Don't get me wrong, I am NOT judging- I watched every season of Bad Girls Club until this last one in Atlanta, and I have been known to quote Tanisha, so no one’s problem is worse than mine, trust me.
Anywhoo, in case there are others out there like you, EatMyDick, who didn't have the courage to step forward and essentially tell me to fuck off, I'm going to commit to finishing out this season of RHBH, and meanwhile I'll figure out what other salacious material I can be summarizing for dedicated fans like you, EatMyDick.  I'm just hoping you see this before really peacing out.  One can dream, right?
Now onto the show...
Remember Spike, Kim's old boyfriend who Brandi described as a "gay bull mastiff?"  I think he should date Faye Resnick. She looks like an old Shar-pei who didn't get spayed in time, if you know what I mean.

Adrienne's vodka party had to be the most horrific thing I've ever seen.  The creepy painted people on the platforms reminded me of those wind-blown stick guys that used car lots stick in front to attract people in, except these creepy painted people were blowing up and down in slow motion.  It was the stuff of nightmares.  I don’t even want to talk about the hands sticking out of the bushes holding shot glasses full of what I hope was glow in dark vodka or whatever the hell Maloof was pitching that night.  Her business du jour.  Meanwhile, Paul is getting painted to be a tree.  In a sea of blood red, he was a welcomed reprieve. 

The ladies all gather ‘round the cauldron for the obligatory shit-talking fest.  Marisa starts with a “Look what I have!” about a text message sent from Brandi to her about how to save her marriage.  It went something like, “I know how to save your marriage, you guys should give each other a hall pass.”  Marisa was offended by this stating, “My marriage is great!  My marriage doesn’t need saving!”  In the background you can see everyone’s least favorite Shar-pei salivating at the thought of shit-talking Brandi.  She interjects, “Well you know she would probably sleep with a married man.  She had sex in Kyle’s child’s bathroom at the White Party, I know for a fact.”  She knew for a fact, even though she had only heard it from someone else.
While the witches stir the brew, Lisa and Brandi get pervy massages and talk about pervy things.  I’m not going to go into it.
Back at the party, leave it to my girl Yolanda to start calling people out left and right.  She told Marisa she’s sure Brandi was joking, and even Kyle piped up that she didn’t believe Brandi would sleep with a married man after what she had been through.  The Shar-peis stomach almost feel out of her butt when she heard that.  What a moment, huh?  Did you see her face??  All the wrinkles ran different directions revealing wide eyes, “DID YOU REALLY JUST SAY THAT KYLE?”  Then of course Adrienne starts in with, “She’s thrown all of us under the bus, every single last one of us,” and she points her witchy finger, “You and you and you and you,” and Yolanda interrupts, “When did she throw me under the bus?”  Adrienne can’t lie on the spot, we all know that.  She needs time, and Radar Online, and meetings, so she just kind of lets that one die.  You go Yo-Yo.  YOLO.
Meanwhile, while Adrienne’s house is covered in the devil’s vomit, Lisa is covering hers in different shades of Pepto.  Everyone’s favorite Beverly Hills party planner Kevin Lee (chi chi chi darling) is at Lisa’s house, preparing the estate for the upcoming house-warming/vow renewal party.  Lisa makes him take his pants off to put flowers in the pool, and he just happened to be wearing cute boxer-briefs- a totally not planned moment.
In a moment shown on previews, a party dweller tells Maloof Paul has left in a fit of anger.  What we didn’t know is that really Paul was up in the tree, painted and dressed like a tree.  It was a funny little trick, and I think we probably all got a tiny fetus kick out of it, but not Adrienne.  Adrienne lost her sense of humor way back in 1985 when she got her new nose.  She tells us in her talking head interview that Paul always has to be the center of attention, and it’s really quite pathetic.  He’s is so dramatic though.  Remember when he evacuated their home in a quick hurry while screaming for Adrienne to get in the car even though there were firefighters everywhere and the house fire across the street was contained and they weren’t letting people on the street?  Oh wait, that was Adrienne.  Remember when Paul falsely accused Adrienne of abusing her kids in order to get a better custody deal for himself??  OH WAIT, that was Adrienne.  Remember when Paul was pissed off at Lisa because Pandora chose to have her bachelorette party somewhere other than The Palms?  OH WAIT, that was Adrienne.  Remember when Paul screamed at Brandi at Mauricio’s amaaaaaaaaaaazing commercial party??  Yayyy, I got one!
Fast forward to the day of Lisa’s party.  La deed ah, fiddle dee dee.  Everyone gets in their prospective  limos and proceeds in the obligatory discussing of fellow castmates.  Kyle and Mauricio just cannot believe Paul and Adrienne announced their separation that morning, isn’t that amaaaaaaaaazing???  I mean, golly gee, they just could not have seen that coming!!  The rest of us saw it coming like we could spot a meteor barreling towards Earth while standing on Mount Everest with a pair of binoculars.  Brandi and Brandi’s side-kick Lips McBoobs discuss the impending doom that is Paul and Adrienne.  Brandi thinks it’s a publicity stunt.  I’m so sick of hearing housewives say that (you are all walking publicity stunts).
Everyone arrives and the cat fights ensue.  Yolanda wants Marisa to tell her worries of Brandi possibly wanting her husband Dean to Brandi’s face.  Marisa, when confronted by Yolanda’s bump-it, back-peddles on her initial “how dare you” tone on the text and downplays her discussion with the ladies about it.  The conversation was not a fight, it just got a little loud when Marisa said, “I’m not saying I would cheat on my husband, I’m just saying if I saw a tall, dark man I would want to fuck him!”  Hmmmm….well, Yolanda saw the same ambiguousness as we did in that comment, so she laughed and said, “WHAAAT?!?” and everyone’s least favorite Shar-pei heard that and thought she was being called.  She saw that ball thrown and she chased it.  Like a Shar-pei with a bone and Chlamydia, that Faye.
Brandi tells Faye to go away because the discussion doesn’t concern her, Faye tells Brandi she’s not going anywhere (she told Kyle she had to protect Marisa, good dog) and that no matter how many Chanel handbags Brandi borrows she’ll never be a “lady.”  Really Faye?  You want to talk about being a “lady” on TV?  How about, a real “lady” doesn’t write a book about her murdered friend describing her as a coke fiend slut and then release it during the trial of her suspected murderer against the instructions of the judge and the prosecution making it impossible for them to use you as a witness on prior abuse and then pose for Playboy on that same publicity wave in a “hot second.”  You are a terrible, TERRIBLE person Faye, and no Chanel handbag can hide that either, and neither can that cheap-ass looking dress, so bitch please.

Faye then goes on to say that Brandi ruined Adrienne’s family with the surrogacy secret and caused Adrienne and Paul’s separation.  Marisa, having been quiet this whole time, calls bullshit on that saying there had to be problems before.  Yolanda calls major bullshit and removes Brandi from the conversation, which is where we end this week’s hour of torture.
In next week’s hour of torture, we will see the vow renewal, Adrienne’s tears she stole from a child in China which she plans on selling for profit at The Palms after she is finished with them, Brandi and Faye fight some more, Kim and Kyle fight some more, and hopefully a closing scene of Giggy throwing up in a plant from too much sparkling rose, getting not a spot on his tiny pink outfit.
Until next week then…