Thursday, January 26, 2012

Four Wedding Scenes and A Funeral

Finally the finale!  Are you sad?  Happy?  Relieved? Disappointed?  All of those?  Me too.  Well, you already know that I freaking hate weddings.  I do, no pun intended.  So blogging this episode isn’t as fun as blogging about, say, Game Night or Sur Opening, but I’ll do it because I luuurve you all so much.  So let us begin…

Lisa’s nervous because she’s throwing a two hundred person party at her house and everyone’s trampling in and out with cakes and dresses and tents and flowers and elephants and shit.  But where’s Franc the Grasshopper Party Planner???  He’s mi-shee-sheeing in action.  His assistant who I would trust about a million times more than him just based on her lack of plastic surgery gone wrong was left to deal with Queen Vanderpump.  Lisa?  A control freak??  Nooooooo.  The workers are busy bees setting up and intertwining tiny love roses all over the damn place and it looks like Mary Kay’s bathroom exploded inside that tent. 

Ok I hate to talk crap about the bride on her day but it’s not her day anymore so fuuuukit.  I really can’t stand Pandora.  It’s more than the fake accent.  She’s just so goodie-goodie, no?  Does it seem phony to anyone else when she’s like, “Yes Mummy I luuurve you and everything is just pehhhfect and it will be just luuuurvely and I’m your favorite aren’t I?  Oh silly Mummy, I luuuuurve you.”  Barf.

Franc the Grasshopper shows up finally and offers Lisa a martini and everything is just shee shee shee again.  Lisa goes upstairs where Pandy’s getting ready with all her little minions and –oop!- they’re ready for make-up.  You guys.  How effing creepy were the triplet make-up artists???  That wasn’t even cool.  I’m going to have nightmares for weeks.  Lisa’s other child, the forgotten one, shows up.  He ought to be tarred and feathered too because his hair resembled Bret Michael’s when he was thirteen years old still playing in a garage.  It looked like a tiny blonde critter sat atop his head, but I for one thought he kind of rocked it.  Lisa didn’t agree with me, no she didn’t.  She told him twelve times in thirty seconds to cut it off right then and there.  One of the scary triplets will do it.  *Shudders*  This poor kid.  Today it’s the hair, yesterday the socks, day before the backpack.  Give the kid a break.  Just cause he’s the only one without a British accent everyone thinks it’s ok to pick on him.
Lisa’s too busy to listen to Ken’s speech for him.  “You’re writing a speech twenty minutes before our daughter’s getting married??  No no no, do it yourself,” she says with dismissal.  Ummm, he DID write it Dahhling, he just wanted you to listen to it.  She barely even has time to give input on Giggy’s outfit, but she does do that. 

Pandy’s make-up and hair are done and she looks like a cherub.  Doesn’t she?  She looks like she should be striking guests with tiny arrows that create little clouds of bitty hearts upon contact.  Lisa’s wearing a tiara and an old pageant dress.  Interesting choices I must say.  Apparently Pandy asked her to wear a tiara (I am really suspicious of this claim btw) and Lisa would wear knickers on her head if she asked her to because she’s the golden cherub child.  Even Rosia the closet slave got to dress up for this, though Lisa did not approve of her shoe choice.  But she did request that Rosia dress that way every day while she’s picking out Lisa’s future outfits and dressing Giggy in velvet and silk.
Meanwhile, across the street at the Maloof’s Manseeon, Camille-Jebus confesses she just luuurves the way of the Jews and would possibly convert someday.  Camille-Jebus, you ARE Jewish, remember?  Silly Camille-Jebus.
A couple more things on the wedding:  The minister’s face was blurred out which I found disruptive to my viewing.  This wedding is for my entertainment, is it not?  Also, ladies out there:  If your cup size is larger than a small C then strapless is NOT for you. 
Party, party, party…booshit, booshit, booshit.
Oh man, Pandy is a TERRIBLE dancer!  Did you see that??  Yikes.  Speeches….yawwwwwwwn.  Weddings are the pits.  And color me cynical but that song was not worth a million dollars, I could have written that song:
“I woke up in the morning, and I saw your face. Doo bee doo bee dooo…” 
I did like the sparklers at the end though, I’ll give ‘em that.  That’s the end of my wedding talk, I’m moving on to the good stuff.  Well, the better stuff anyway, this episode kind of sucked.

Rewind a bit:  Camille is picking out what she’s going to wear with her Friendly Giant.  No pink for Camille, she doesn’t want to upstage Lisa on her big –I MEAN- Pandy’s big day.  Camille-Jebus has turned her water situation into a wine situation by dating a younger Greek man with a wash board stomach, a talent for cooking, and a heterosexual sex drive that Camille has long-since forgotten how to work with.  She found her eight inches of freedom, and then three more of willing captivity.  Stella’s got her groove back.
In what was a clear winner as the best scene in this episode and what may be one of the best scenes in Real Housewife history, Paul Nassif gets a colonoscopy on our television sets.  I was telling my mom, Vintage Barbie, about this scene and we had to laugh because apparently they don’t do colonoscopies to scope out the sitch down there anymore.  I won’t tell you what they do, but it’s far less invasive, I’ll say that.  Ok so Adrienne, being the hands-on type woman she is, goes to the doctor’s with Paul and opts to wait in the waiting room.  Paul calls her in to help him WITH HIS ENEMA.  I’ve never seen Adrienne move so quickly as she did to get OUT of that room.  Adrienne took vows, but not the enema vow.  They put Paul under so they can…well…you know.  It’s pretty personal stuff but I admire his desire to raise awareness for a procedure they no longer do.  When Paul comes out of the prodding room, he’s wheeled into a recovery corner.  Adrienne comes in to check on him and the following occurs:
Evidently, when you have a colonoscopy they pump air up your [I’ll say the “F” word at the drop of a chapstick tube but I struggle with typing the word “butthole”].  So then, naturally the air must come out.  They failed to mention this to dear, sweet Paul when he agreed to have his colonoscopy taped.  So as he’s laying in recovery, he realizes that air is escaping out and he can do nothing about it.  The following comments are made by Paul in his half-conscious state (I laughed until I cried btw, because I’m sooo mature):

“Ohhh nooo I think I need to *pooof* and I need to *poooof*…it’s air it’s not gas…*poooof*oh my God noooo *pooof* It’s not fair….*poooooooof* noooooo *pooof* …Adrienne noooo it’s not fair I can’t stop it…*pooooof*"
This is the only scene in Housewives history that my father would have enjoyed.
Let’s switch gears from funny to depressing.  Three weeks after the wedding Kyle throws a…party (?) to get the women together after Russell’s passing.  It’s catered so it’s a fancy after-death discussion party.  Camille shows pictures of her new man’s stomach (heyy-oooo), Lisa shows pictures of the gawddamn wedding (give it a rest woman, we were all there!) and Kim is missing because -oop!- she’s in rehab.  Taylor looks better than she did all season with some color in her cheeks and some meat on her bones.  They all gab and nothing about Russell’s death is really said that I could remember which I found…odd.  Apparently they delve into it on the THREE part reunion which I am soooooooo looking forward to by the way.
So at the end of the season as you know, we get the little write-up on what the ladies are doing, a little epilogue, if you will.  They were as follows:
Taylor:  Writing a book about her abusive marriage which she dragged onto national TV arguably contributing to the breaking point that led to her estranged husband’s suicide.
Kyle:  Wrote an advice book for women where she apparently tells you it’s ok to cheat on your spouse, if it’s just once and you don’t tell your spouse.  Sounds like sound advice Kyle.
Adrienne:  Her shoe line is successful and Paul has a healthy colon.
Lisa:  Downsized her house then renovated the shit out of it adding two hundred million square feet to it or some bloody thing like that.
Camille: Enjoying sex with a man who likes women.  Eat your heart out Frasier, you old queen.
Kim:  SURPRISE!  Not pregnant and in rehab.
Best Quote of the Season Award goes to Taylor for:  “If you can’t be my friend then just please don’t be my enemy”
Worst Wardrobe Choice Award goes to Kim for the Christmas present blouse that tried to eat her face off.
Taylor and Kim tied for Most Cray.
Bravo, just FYI, I did notice that you threw a couple PSAs about suicide in the commercial breaks in the first two episodes and then hoped we’d all forgotten it had happened.
Well kiddos, that finale was a bit disappointing, but the SUR opening made up for it last week so I’ll forgive you Andy, you little minx you.  Coming up- THREE PART REUNION and it’s going to be amaaaaazing so shake your martini, get a good spot on the couch and enjoy our favorite guilty pleasure we call the Real Housewives of Beverly Hills.  Jerry Springer’s got nothing on the betches.
Until next week my luuurves!

Wednesday, January 18, 2012

SUR: Surrounded by Unwelcome Rubbish

Holy Lip Implant!  That was cray!!  That was so cray, I couldn’t take notes, and I’m just now getting around to writing about it so bear with me if I go out of order on some of this.  There is a lot to touch on.  Let’s get started…
I think we open with Kyle getting ready with her daughter Farrah.  While applying her make-up, Kyle expresses concern and stress about seeing Kim at the SUR opening that evening.  Boy, she really has no idea what’s she’s in for, does she.
Lisa is running around, ordering the construction workers to get their ladders and hangers and tool belts and every other bloody tool outta there before the guests begin arriving.  All of this she does while wearing leopard print Louboutins, which probably made those workers feel super masculine.  Dearest Ken, bless his heart, goes in for a little love time to congratulate Lisa on all of her hard work paying off, and so ensues the most awkward kiss in RHBH history, and that’s saying a lot with Russell and Taylor on payroll.
I believe this brings us to the opening!  First Brandi arrives with her posse.  I’d like to enjoy myself while watching this, but the whole time I’m mentally pulling her dress up.  Next we see Adrienne arrive in her Vegas gear as per the usge, and then a fun treat appears.  Bernie the Chef strolls up to Lisa in all his fake-nice bitch glory, and efficiently inserts his nose right up Lisa’s bum.  Bernie!  Lisa is your arch nemesis!  The Lex Luther to your Superman!  The sun to your wrinkles!  But here he is, air kissing and mumbling sweet nothings.  No really, they were sweet nothings, no one knew what the hell he was saying.  All of this would be funny in and of itself, but this is Real Housewives of BEVERLY HILLS.  They have to go a step further.  Get this:  Lisa, gawd love her, doesn’t have a gawddamn clue who Bernie is.  OMG.  This is going to make Bernie SO MAD when he sees it!!  Can you imagine??  Not being recognized by your own nemesis??  I’d feel worse for Bernie if he wasn’t such a little bitch.

Ok what happens next is soooooo good.  Brandi’s standing around with her girlfriends, minding her own biznatch, helping herself to a meatball on a passed tray.  When, low and behold, she looks down to the holder of that tray, and it is the waitress who was sleeping with her then-husband (Icky is his name I believe) while she was pregnant with their second baby!  Oh it gets better.  This beezy had the audacity to go on Access Hollywood and cry about Icky leaving HER for Leann Rimes!  Leaving HER!!  CAN YOU EVEN HANDLE THIS RIGHT NOW??  If I were Brandi, that chick would be walking around today with meatballs for eyes, but our favorite dirty mouthed blonde (besides me, obvi) handled it pretty well.  She just said, “You slept with my husband!” and the chick walked up to Lisa and said, “Umm, I think we have a slight interpersonal problem.”  SLIGHT?  Holy Camille-Jebus this bitch has some balls on her!  Lisa consults with Brandi who says she doesn’t have to leave, but Lisa asks her to leave anyway and what could have been a huge fight scene fizzled out rather seamlessly.

Ding dong.  It’s another surprise attendee!  Who saunters in with a life-coach air about him and not a care in the world, but Cedric the Entertaining Houseguest from Hell.  Once Lisa sees him she pounces into action, immediately asking why he’s there and who invited him.  Doesn’t this guy just make your skin crawl?  He’s like, “Dahling, I’m here to support you,” but by that he meant, “Dahhling, I’m here to get on TV again,” and Lisa saw right through it, yes she did.  She kicked him right out of there, him and his awkward date.  And we cheered Lisa.  We all cheered.
Let’s rewind back a bit and discuss Kim.  If you have some sort of downer and/or a drink in your hand, down it now, you’re going to need it.  OK so first we see Kim in her and Spike’s hotel room in downtown LahLahLand having her make-up done by a professional.  First, she pulls out a vibrator that looks just like a vibrator and tells this poor guy doing her make-up that she thought she found a tube of lipstick in her drawer.  As expected, the endearing gay make-up artist says, “Honey, that’s a vibrator!” and Kim says, “Well I know that nowwwwww,” and proceeds to touch the guy’s face with it.  Let me ask you guys something: Is this real life?  I just want to feel regular again.  Do you luuurve how she pretended she didn’t know how it got there??  Man, that Spike must be controlling.  Kim tells this poor make-up dude how she’s nervous to see her sister yada yada and Spike wanders around the room looking for Kim’s things.  Then she wants a 7up.  No, she likes it with ice.  She looks at the make-up artist and yell-whispers “Gawd he’s so stupid,” (a la Regina George) or some gem to that affect.  Meanwhile, Spike’s still looking for random items on Kim’s behalf since she’s seeing two of everything.
Let’s cross the freeway for a moment and check in on Taylor.  Taylor’s coming out, she wants the world to know, gonna let it show.  Finally on the single scene and ready to mingle, Taylor has invited her therapist Dr. Sophie, D.O. to the SUR grand opening.  She needs his support so she can go in and make yet another event all about her.  Can these women not discuss things in private??  Anywhoo, Taylor is still weepy but feeling stronger than yesterday.  She’s every woman, it’s all in her.  She’s like a virgin touched for the very first- ok that’s going too far.

Back to the partay!  No, not the partay at SUR, the partay in Kim’s limo!!  You guys, this was my favorite part of the evening.  I’m going to hell for that by the way, so wave when you get to the fire-doors, I’ll let you in, hand you a hot cocktail, and introduce you to the big guy.  Kim is clearly ten kinds of high.  Her dress is falling off, she can’t feel her face, she thinks the driver is a naked Spanish-speaking chipmunk, and she’s obsessed with pressing all the fancy limo buttons.  “Buttons!  Buttons!  I luuuurve buttons!” she slurs while Spike is trying to control her to the best of his dinosaur ability.  The problem with being a dinosaur though, is that your arms are never proportionate to your body.  Small arms, big hearts.  Ahh it’s a dino’s life, I tell you.  So Spike can’t do anything because he’s flailing his tiny arms around and can’t catch Kim because she literally thinks she’s the gingerbread man.  She’s all over the place like Buddy the Elf at the doctor’s office.  Popping cotton balls, pricking herself with needles.  She reaches around and grabs, I wish I was kidding, her own used empty coke bag (I know what that looks like from watching Intervention on A&E btw mom) and don’t act like that wasn’t hers because we all know it was.  In her cloud of fuckedupedness, she realizes what she has grabbed and tries to play it off like it’s not hers, but the problem is that she is a shit liar.
“Look!  Someone’s trash is back here!  OMG it’s poop!!” Kim throws the baggy to the side as Spike watches horrified saying, “That’s not yours. That’s not yours.”  Keep telling yourself and the cameras that buddy.   For my readers who only read and don’t watch, no, there was no poop involved.  That was just the first word to pop into her head.  OH also, she decides to have Spike take her bra off because “It’s too dirty.”  Ewwww. 
Kim finally arrives to the partay and she flutters about giving air kisses and hugs.  When she gets to Kyle it’s awkward but cordial.  Kyle repeats over and over again how pretty Kim looks to compensate for their fighting ways I guess, I don’t know.  Ken (my Ken, I know it’s getting confusing with the Kens) happen to sit down next to me for this part and it hit the point of ridiculousness to where he finally looked at me all funny and asked, “Is this bitch for real?”  I had to tell him the truth:  “Yes.  Yes.  This bitch is for real.”  Not my proudest moment.  Anywhoo, then Kim corners Adrienne who can see she’s clearly several hundred sheets to the wind and Kim cryptically whispers, “It’s over. It’s done.  Get him away from me,” or something like that.  To this Adrienne appropriately responds, “Whaaaaa?” and Kim says, “Come with me to the bathroom.”  Kim is trying to get away from Spike and Spike just keeps following her around everywhere.  She escapes with Adrienne to the bathroom where she reveals that their relationship is over (shocker) and that he’s got a reeeally mean side to him and is super controlling.  As an audience, we’re about to have to admit Kyle was right by the way, fair warning.
Adrienne is scared out of her shiny extensions, as well she should be, and immediately fetches Kyle to tend to her hot mess of a sibling.  Kyle rushes to Kim’s side, takes her to the back room, and they have a heart to heart.  It’s good stuff folks.  First, Kim says that Spike controls her and asks who she’s talking to on the phone and is controlling (just like Kyle thought) and she’s just sick and tired of it.  Her stuff is already packed up and she’s moving out (to where, one must wonder).  Kyle’s like, “See!  I told you!  I just see-ed you!  I knew you weren’t happy!  I always apologize and you NEVER apologize but I’ll always luuurve you!” and Kim’s like, “I’ll always luuurve you too, and there’s something else.”  DUN DUN DUNNNN. 

“I’m late,” reveals Kim.
“Late for what, everything?” Just kidding, Kyle doesn’t actually say that.  But it’s what she’s thinking so I included it.  Kyle actually says, “Late, you don’t mean late, late.”
And Kim with glazed over eyes and a touch of drool on her chin nods her head yes.
“How late?!?” Kyle demands.
Kim holds up three fingers.
“Three weeks!?!” Kyle spits.
“Three months,” Kim mumbles with her head hanging.
Have either of these women heard of menopause??  It’s the much more likely suspect for a three month missed period at the age of fifty than a pregnancy that has caused you ZERO other symptoms.  But I like how Kim was just going to continue boozing and drugging and never take a test to find out because she was too scared.  Good thing she wasn’t pregnant or she probably would have given birth in the bathroom at prom.

By the way, Kim’s reason for not wanting another baby:  She really wants to travel.  She could use a puppy or a kitty though so if you have one you hate you should give it to her.  Kim spends the rest of the night in the bathroom while people take turns trying to get her out, and that my friends is why Bravo forced her into rehab and she’s not at the reunion. 
Commercial break teaser moment: Spike confronts Brandi about her saying he looks like a gay bull mastiff in Hawaii while Paul laughs hysterically.  Spike’s like, “What does that mean??” and Brandi says, “That you’re a big dog. It doesn’t mean anything!”  Best moment of the night.

Hold onto your white wine and protect your box of tissues folks, Taylor’s in the house!  Taylor and Dr. Sophie, D.O., arrive to Sur and whisk the ladies off to the back room for a group therapy sesh.  Taylor is obviously covering up a gnarly black eye which is disturbing.  She explains that indeed Russell was physically abusing her and she was stuck in the “cycle of abuse” and was just now finally able to break free.  She takes responsibility for her actions and the position in which she put all the girls.  Adrienne uncharacteristically breaks in like fifteen too many times to say, “Now wait wait wait.  Now you told us stuff but then did other things and there were litigation threats thrown left and right,” and then Dr. Sophie would be like, “Let her speak,” and then Adrienne would be like, “Now wait a minute now,” and then Camille-Jebus said unto them, “She does owe me an apology for saying I put her family in danger,” and to that Taylor threw a cloth of calm over the whole room and said, “You’re right, and I do apologize for that and for everything and I take full responsibility,” and then everyone was like, “Ok we luuurve you Taylor,” and they all piled their perfectly manicured and blinged out hands upon one another’s and we all felt warm and fuzzy inside because camaraderie is the reason we watch this show.  JUST KIDDING, but it was a nice moment.

Ok next week we have THE FINALE which includes Pandy’s wedding and a reunion of the ladies after Russell’s passing so the second half will be interesting.  Thanks for sticking with me, I know this was a long one.  Oh and by the way, I’m so excited about the return of our OC ladies I can hardly deal with it.  Until next week my luuurves...

Tuesday, January 10, 2012

And the Truth Shall Set Them Free

Wow, so many truths in this episode, and so many lies.  Where to begin?  Let us get started…
The truth about Paul and Adrienne:  They haven’t held hands in years.  It was nice to see a romantic moment between the two.  I’m so glad they found each other because I’m not sure anyone else would be able to stand to have one of them as a life partner.  But they’re cute.  Truth: The only kind of snake found on Hawaii is called the Island Blind snake and they look more like worms.
Oh sweet Camille-Jebus, Kim’s here.  Kim and Spike arrive to the Hawaiian getaway about a day and a half late.  Kyle and Mmmmauricio are about to enjoy a large green cocktail of sorts when all of a sudden, Kyle hears a familiar voice in the hallway.  It sounds vaguely like a black sheep and a green dinosaur.  It is!  Low and behold, Bravo was able to pay off the Four Seasons and get Kim the room right next to Kyle’s.  Like the crazy person she is, Kyle puts her eager eye to the peep hole and her fervent ear to the wall.  Kyle, sit down and enjoy your cocktail with your husband.  I assume you’re wearing a towel for a reason, and things that require putting on a towel afterwards are usually pleasurable.  Enjoy your life, enjoy Hawaii.  Mahalo.
Meanwhile, in the room next door, Kim is without a care in the world.  Remember how she and Kyle had some words over that expired driver’s license?  Kim decided it was best not to notify anyone they were in, and instead just snort some downers and enjoy a Jack and Coke on the lanai with Spikey.  Wanna hear what doped up conversation sounds like? 
“Male ducks are prettier than female ducks.”
“Heh heh.  Not this time.”
What a couple of winners.
It’s time for a fancy dinner!  Everyone put on their fancy dresses (Lisa and Brandi gave me a sherbet craving I couldn’t curve for the life of me) and headed to the lawn.  Truth:  I was jealous of that table, I mean holy fanciness.  That dinner should have been ohhhhhed and ahhhhhed over but instead, tension was a’brewin’ and no one would get out unscathed.  Kim and Spike wander up, saunter up, stumble up to the nice Hawaiian greeter.  Kim mumbles some nonsense (“I mean Aloha…”) then sways on over to the dinner table.  This is classic.  Spike and Kim act as if nothing in the world is not as it should be, while Kyle is burning a hole through her sister’s scull with her eyeballs.  Spike and Kim have a lopsided seat and Mmmmauricio asks what happened to them to make them so late?  I believe we already know that Mmmm-darling, it’s because she didn’t wake up to her alarm clock, has an expired driver’s license, a lost passport, and was high as a kite in a contest.  But wait!  Kim’s response threw us all for a loop.  Channeling her inner Vicki Gunvelson, Kim gives us:
“Spike had to work.  He just had to work!”
Well, come to find out, Spike is retired.  Of course he is!  He’s 4 million years old!  But he works one –count ‘em- ONE day a week, and yesterday was that day.  Except that Kim already told Kyle the reason she couldn’t make the flight, which had nothing to do with Ken working.  Cut to Kim in her one-on-one wearing her gawddamn Christmas tree blouse telling us, “We just didn’t want to get into it so we just said Ken had to work.”  BUT YOU ALREADY TOLD THEM THE REAL REASON.  Truth:  Drug addicts make terrible liars.  Mmmmauricio is clearly having none of this, and to be frank, neither would I.  I would have to call them out right there on the spot as well, because it is just SO ridiculous!  I mean, what’s the point??  Everyone already heard you!!  Ok so Kyle is pissssssed.  She can’t even really talk (shocking, I know).  Kim just tells them to enjoy their own lives, and the subject changes, if only for a brief and enjoyable moment.
Kyle announces to the group that Taylor is leaving Russell.  Everyone has a little something to say, but the best is from ol’ ‘Jack and Coke’ Kim who says, “That’s cause she wants to be at the next dinner!”  Whoaaaaaa touché Kim, touché.  Way to have an impactful moment of lucidness.  Paul says he gives it two weeks.  I love Paul.  Then Paul gets up and makes a toast to his wife.  Then they share a little kiss, then a big tongue-filled make-out sesh kiss and everyone laughs and it’s all fun and games, until Kyle starts crying.  Lisa tries to calm her.  “This is not the time or place (famous RH last words)” but to no avail.  Kyle is straight up irritated.  I have to say I understand why she is.  I mean, it’s really annoying but you can’t control the world Kyle, you really can’t.  And now you’re effing up this beautiful dinner for an argument that you are not going to win, especially not right now.  The best part is when Mmmmauricio toasts to the truth.
“In my many years as a Mexican/Lebanese/Portugese/Mongolian, I have learned that the most treasured thing one finds on Earth is truth.  So let us toast (looks directly at Kim and Spike) to the truth!”
Good one Mmmauricio.  No one feels awkward now.  And so ends yet another dinner party from hell.  And in the setting of absolute heaven.  Tragic.
The next morning, the production staff has chartered a boat to take the ladies and gents out on the open seas for a day of fun in the sun.  Their fun is soon blemished by the fact that Kim and Spike are twenty minutes late to the bus.  Lisa and Kyle try to break into their room, even climbing over to their balcony to yell at them to get out of there.  Turns out, Kim and Spike slept through their alarm AGAIN.  AGAIN YOU GUYS.  It is 11:30am Hawaiian time which makes it like 2:30pm Beverly Hills time, which means Kim is telling us that she needs an alarm to wake up at 2:30pm in the afternoon.  Now keep in mind, she’s still denying any drug use at this point.  Yeah, no, seriously.  Anywhoo, Lisa’s had it up to her Chanel earrings with Kim and her blatant disregard for the group.  Did you notice when they did come out of the hotel that they were in nooooo hurry?  That was kind of funny.  So yeah, the bus straight-up left their hangover asses at the Four Seasons.  Kim’s usually pretty prompt you guys, she’s never late.  She also tells us that by the third or fourth day they’ll have that pesky alarm clock figured out.  Umm, hello Cray!  You will only be there two days and this was one of them!!  OMG I almost can’t take it anymore with this chick.  Someone drop her off at the Disney Studio and let her wander til she dies.
All the normal-ish (normal-er?) people made it on the damn catamaran just in time to wave goodbye to Kim and Spike at the dock.  Aloha!  Truth:  I read the producer’s blog and he said they really were on a time crunch and it was the crew who forced the boat to take off on time instead of waiting for Tweedle Dope and Tweedle Dino.  Kyle felt bad, Lisa didn’t feel a thing, and Brandi felt a draft right up her hoohah because Lisa untied one side of her bikini bottom.  I absolutely luuuurve Brandi and Lisa together, it’s the best of both worlds:  Classy with a dirty sense of humor, and trashy with a dirty sense of humor.  Can I be the third ladies?  I’ll be Sassy with a dirty sense of humor.  Oh that’s cute.  I’m going to trademark that.  Also, Mmmauricio swimming underwater with fish.  Put that in your martini glass and drink it.
While everyone was having fun on the boat, Spike and Kim enjoyed a relaxing lunch back on land.  They must have popped a couple some’in’ some’in’s because they were like two teenagers on Day Three of Woodstock.  They just really needed this you guys, they really needed this.  You know, because one’s retired and the other one doesn’t work.  And I know this because my closed captioning for the hearing impaired told me Kim said that like seventeen times.  I couldn’t understand her because she wasn’t really opening her eyes or mouth.  Spike sluggishly agreed, not because he didn’t whole-heartily agree with what she was saying (they really did need that lunch), he was too messed up to physically nod his head, show enthusiasm, or carry on a typical conversation.  Truth: There was rum in that Pepsi.
Back on the boat, the ladies were admiring Brandi’s bootay in her little Brazilian number.  It’s true, I see not a dimple.  Lucky bitch.
BUZZ KILL!  Back on the mainland, Taylor visits Dana so they can both get some much desired air time –I MEAN- so Taylor can fill in Dana on the latest.  Apparently Dana’s chef can only chef salmon.  He’s tried to chef all the other proteins, but all he can chef is salmon.  But he uses $25,000 salmon, so it’s coooo.  Whoa, Taylor’s hair is ever-so-obviously covering her eye.  That’s unnerving.  The whole time I was trying to get a peak of it, but we all know what it looked like at its worst.  If you don’t, Google, “Taylor Armstrong eye bashed in”.  Warning:  image is disturbing.  As if her whisper of face hair was telling the tale, Taylor revealed to Dana that indeed, her marriage was over.  She is finally feeling a sense of relief, after a season of crying, screaming, and drinking too much.  No one is arguing that.  Dana, ever the loyal friend, tells Taylor in this time of crisis how all of her other co-stars/friends turned their backs on her at the White Party, but she’s still here.  She’s still here because she didn’t get invited to Hawaii which was her dream, otherwise she’d be there.  But she’s here.  She’s here with all of her stoner positive sayings such as, “I am so psyched that I know you.”  Go ahead, say it in your best Keanu Reeves voice.  Say it with your best Sean Penn in “Fast Times at Ridgemont High” voice.  “I am so psyched that I know you.”
 That’s right Spicoli.  Truth: Dana’s flower ring cost $77,000 and is made of 100% pure blood diamonds.
Before we sign off of this episode, there has to be one more dinner.  The first one wasn’t quite shit-stormy enough, so we have to have one more.  Everyone’s all fancy again, and Kim and Spike arrive once more to shatter everyone’s dreams of semi-normalcy.  It’s really not their fault, it’s actually Kyle’s because she’s just too pissed off to let anything go at this point.  The irony is, she’s worried about Kim being disrespectful to the group, but her badgering Kim for the second lovely dinner in a row is also disrespectful to the group, no?  After 40-something years of this, she wants to try to solve it at THIS dinner table.  Alright, let the games begin.
Kim is just soooooo glad they didn’t make the boat trip because it allowed them to have a restful lunch.  What else did they do?  No, just lunch.  Did you do anything else though?  We had lunch!  Spike and Kim had lunch allll day.  I believe it at the rate they were going at lunch. 
OMG I almost forgot!  Kim, Paul and Adrienne were having a nice stroll down the pathway just chatting about Kim’s budding relationship with her favorite dinosaur, and Spike comes out of the bushes and just starts chucking verbal tree stars left and right!  Kim tells him his ears must be burning because they were just talking about him, and Spike’s like, “I know, and I don’t like it one bit, not one bit do I like it.  I saw the look on this one’s face (points to Adrienne) she looks like the gawddamn joker and I’m not into it.  I can tell it’s bad, and I want it to stop.”  Whooooooa Cray.  Paul’s like, “Dude, no one was talking bad about you,” and Spike was like, “Ok, ok. Well just stop it,” and Adrienne took the words right out of our mouths with her phrase, “My gawd.”  Truth:  Drugs make you paranoid.
OK back to the dinner table.  Kim and Spike were just so glad they didn’t make the boat.  They missed the boat- literally! Ha ha.  I think Brandi’s right, it’s Kim’s world and we’re all just living in it.  How relieved are we that the woman finally went to rehab!  I mean, honestly.  Kyle starts in again on Kim’s behavior throughout the trip and Kim couldn’t be any more defensive.  Spike’s getting really angry at this point too.  You can see it starting to boil below the surface.  Kim tells us Kyle is “crawling up a tree,” “picking a bone,” and “being an egg beater” just beating those dead eggs to a pulp.  Wow, that’s a lot of metaphors in one sitting.  Kyle just picks and picks at the bone, all the while Kim is staying irritatingly calm (irritating for Kyle, not us, I found her calmness soothing really) and Mmmmauricio joins in to get a stab here and a jab there and then out of nowhere Spike just says, “We don’t care.”  wiki-Whaaat?  Wow Spike, tell us how you really feel.  Kyle stares, shocked.  Spike gets up, “Let’s go.”  Did a housewife just get up and leave a potential dinner party from hell???  Cray.  I liked Kyle’s response in her one-on-one, “Good, then scram.  Asshole.” 
As they leave the dinner party room, Spike says he’s tired of Kyle’s voice, which sounds to him like horns through the air.  Umm, what?  Back in the dinner room, everyone’s talking about what just went down.  Brandi offers some expert advice on drug usage, and Lisa offers key advice telling Kyle she should separate herself from the situation.  Kyle wants her sister to get sober and quit being an unreliable mess.  She also wants Spike to go extinct.  Paul wants to get laid, and Camille just wants the busboy’s eight inches of freedom.  Truth:  We are all just human, and we all have our wants.
Next week:  The grande opening of Sur and guess who comes to dinner…the C word.  Also, Kim and Kyle are at it again, and some other shit goes down.
Alright, until next week Friends…

Thursday, January 5, 2012

Travel, Tatas, and TSA Roofy Laws: The Housewives go to Hawaii!

Welcome back Housewife fans!  Happy New Year to you all.  I luuurved this episode.  It had drama, comedy, dolphins, and no Dana.  This is a long one so stay with me…
We begin with the conclusion of Kyle’s White Party, or what I would like to dramatically refer to as “The Aftermath.”  After Taylor and Russell are epically turned away at the door by not one, but six or seven people, the ladies retreat to some mysterious white room to talk about the whole thing while Taylor and Russell experience the most awkward ride in a limo ever. 
While the ladies discuss whether or not they believe Taylor, can help Taylor, or if Taylor can even be helped at all, Russell asks Taylor what she would like to do next because the night is young you know.
“We could be back in Vegas in like an hour…” he says nonchalantly.
Ummm, did you just get turned away from a party because you sent a threatening email, unbeknownst to your wife, to her friend who did nothing out of her legal limits by repeating abuse allegations that your wife shared with a group of five women?  Did that not just happen??  The look on Taylor’s face says it all.  It says, “You cray cray.”  Russell keeps repeating that Camille’s allegations are totally false while Taylor rolls her eyes and her lips in the seat next to him.  The whole thing is just SO awkward, made more awkward since we know what’s to come.
Cut to the ladies at the party in deep discussion and Kyle putting the kibosh on the sorrow soiree.
“I put way too much effort into this party to not enjoy it, and I’ve never told anyone that before because I am such a good friend.” –Gretchen Weiners
Out dances the mariachi band because Mmmauricio is Mexican now (the Lebanese band was booked clear through March) and Mmmm grabs Kyle for a fun swing around the dance floor.  Now everyone’s having a good time, except the Armstrongs, and the girl serving Fatburger. 
Dana tells Kim that Taylor got kicked out of the party.  Kim automatically assumes it has to do with drinking since that’s why she gets kicked out of places but Dana tells her she believes it has to do with legal reasons they are not yet privy to.  Oh the problems of rich people.  Kim says she’s just glad it’s not her this year.  I want that to be funny.  I really do.  But it’s just kind of sad.  Ok, it’s funny.
Oh the dance floor is really crack-a-lackin’ now.  All the white party people have forgotten about the debacle that occurred earlier in the evening.  Enough vodka sodas will do that to you.  Bravo’s editors give us one last picture of Taylor and Russell entering their home and shutting the door behind them, not revealing what went on that evening behind those massive closed doors.  There was no Vegas.  There was no fancy reprieve dinner.  Only closed doors and shattered dreams.  Meanwhile, back on the dance floor, Kim is getting down with her bad self, but where’s Spike??  Eating tree stars over in the corner, no doubt.  But wait, here he comes trudging along in his only fancy shirt, a white Ralph Lauren.  Kim grabs his scaly skin forcing him away from his tree star snack and pulls him to her.  Then they cut rug.  They cut rug so hard you guys.  Oh, when Kim and Spike hit the dance floor it’s their time, and they own it.
Alright, enough of the White Party.  Lisa and Ken come together in the closet room of their mansion.  Lisa’s slave girl Elva is helping her pack for their upcoming ‘Housewives Take On Hawaii’ trip in celebration on Mmmmmmauricio’s birth.  Poor Giggy can’t go on this one because they would throw that little guy in the infirmary so hard his little bald butt would never see the sun to scorch it again.  Oh but Hawaiian government, you should let him go- look at his tiny Tommy Bahama shirt!!  Mean Hawaiians, all worried about disease and epidemics, always thinking about themselves.  Anyway, it turns out Ken ran into Cedric, the world’s worst liar that everyone believes.  Apparently he is now a life coach for an interior designer to the stars.  Translation: He’s Jeff Lewis’s new dog-walker. 
Cut to Kyle’s closet which isn’t nearly as impressive.  She summons Mmmmauricio from his workout (that bitch) to help her find some luggage or something.  She needs to yakitty yak about how her forty-nine year old sister is bringing her live-in boyfriend to their Hawaiian getaway that Bravo is paying for.  So Kyle bitches about Kim, and we all zone out on a shirtless Mmmmmauricio (who has packed on a few lbs since last season but I’m not complaining).
Aloha, it’s Hawaii time folks!  One by one the women check in with Hawaiian airlines.  After check-in they congregate in the First Class Club Room.  But, wait!  Who’s missing?  Well Kim Richards of course.  Kyle calls to see where in the airport Kim is since they have only 45 minutes until take-off.  Kim answers her phone with, “My driver’s license is expired Kyle and I’m trying to find my passport!!!”  She’s obviously distraught, I mean who wouldn’t be.  She’s trying to find her passport, but where?  At check-in??  No no.  She’s a good forty-five minutes (an hour in traffic as we all know) away from LAX at home in the Valley somewhere, out where dinosaurs still roam so Spike feels comfortable.  But Kim says she’ll be there in a minute.  I’m beginning to think Kim has zero concept of time.  Did you like Brandi’s “I told you so” facial expressions throughout Kyle’s phone convo??  I did.
My favorite part had to be when Kyle snots out, “I thought you fixed your license Kim, since I asked you to come with me to DMV and you said you did,” and then Kim calmly yells (oxymoron I know, but it seriously applies), “WELL I LIED TO YOU.”  Insert Brandi “I told you that bitch was cray” eye roll.
OH YEAH, and Kim’s alarm didn’t go off that morning which is why she was late.  Again.  That poor alarm clock gets such a bad rap.  It goes off, just not loud enough to pierce through a Norco/Vodka induced slumber. 
OH sweet Camille-Jebus, not another therapy sesh.  Taylor and Dr. Sophie who is a real, legitimate doctor of thoughts and you’re about to find out why, met in his therapeutic office (complete with Restoration Hardware throw blanket on the patient’s chair) to discuss the demise of the Armstrong marriage.  Dr. Sophie brought up some excellent points.  Did Russell show any accountability for his actions?  No.  Did he apologize for ostracizing Taylor from her co-stars?  No.  Taylor has realized this since the limo ride.  Also, she read the harmless wittle email Russell sent which turned out to be as aggressive and threatening as Paul had said it was during the confrontation.  What I’m saying is Taylor is pretty much ready to take those giant lips of hers and kiss her lifestyle goodbye to save her child from this horrible situation.  She’s finally mad enough.  You want to know why??  Insider info:  After Russell started sending cray lawsuit emails to all the ladies, he also decided to send a few to Bravo’s producers, threatening that if they air any of the footage with talk of him being a wife-beater he would sue the pants off of them as well.  To this our fabulous Andy Cohen sent out a big fat “Fuck you” email in which Bravo basically told both Russell and Taylor to go pound sand.  Taylor, ever associated with Russell as his wife, would stop filming immediately and they would dump the couple quicker than you can say “grand larceny” or “fraud” or “Ike Turner”.  Well folks, you can bash Taylor’s eye into its socket and throw her against a $40K office desk, but try to take her off TV and she will call it quits.  And call it quits she did.  And so Bravo let Taylor back on TV and she got to write a book, and Russell committed suicide.  And there’s really nothing funny about that.

Back in First Class on Hawaiian Airlines (I’m so jeally btw, what was that champagne drink??) Kyle tries Kim one last time before take-off.  She’s on the next flight!  What?  She’s on the phone with Bette!  Who?  She’ll be there in a minute!  When?  That pretty much sums that up.
Apparently Kimmy’s gonna catch the next flight out with Spike at 6pm, which Paul Nassif just so happens to be on too.  Lucky Paul!  They’re getting ready to take off and Brandi shares that she’s a fearful flier and therefore loaded up on the Xanax this morning.  A girl after my own heart.  I like to be juuuuust drugged up enough to not give two shits if I die.  Like, if the plane was going down, I would think it was funny.  Because I always think the plane is going to go down.  Actually, Brandi’s my hero because I didn’t even think of roofying myself until she said that.  I guess TSA outlawed flying under a date rape drug??  I’m sure there are ways to get around that, and I intend to find them out.
Blah, blah, fly, fly.  Camille likes 8 inches of freedom, Kyle hates Kim’s new man even though she’s met him once, Brandi’s all kinds of doped up.  They get into Honolulu and now they are taking a private plane to Lanai.  Oh, it’s private alright, but it’s made out of Legos.  It’s a Tonka plane.  A wind up toy.  Holy shit.  There are not enough roofies on this planet that could get me to set foot on that plane.  I would rather swim and risk getting eaten by sharks.  Just watching it land makes me want to hurl. 
The bus ride to the Four Seasons from the landing strip was interesting.  Brandi was inappropriate, Kyle made shocked faces and we found out everyone who drives a red Ferrari is a douche bag, as if we didn’t already know that.
Once at the Four Seasons everyone settled into their rooms and freshened up for some cocktails on the lanai.  And the tatas come out to play.  First it was Camille’s boom booms which are ginormous and ready to play ball.  Then Brandi’s bubbies walked in (I luuuurved her dress btw) to play short stop.  Lisa’s cleavage then arrived to pitch, while Kyle’s and Adrienne’s sat on the sidelines and ate hot dogs.
There was some fun banter.  Lisa and Brandi had a playful back and forth about Brandi flirting with Ken.  Ken was gaga over Brandi which was funny, but only because we know he really luuurves Lisa the most.  Brandi said Spike looked like a bull mastiff which Kyle said was “rude”.  Hi kettle, it’s me, pot.  Kyle upholds the same rule about her sister as I hold with my Ken about everything:  I can say it, not you.
Paul arrives the next morning and tells Adrienne over breakfast that Kim will probably miss her connecting Tonka flight because she was in the bathroom from the time he got there to the time he left.  She was fixing her liquid eyeliner of course.

Brandi and Camille go down to the pool for a little R&R.  The pool guy practically falls in trying to escort them to their lounge chairs and for good reason.  Bow Chica Bow Wow, these ladies look good.  Brandi is wearing three tiny pieces of sand paper with angel hair pasta connecting them.  Camille’s bubbies are wearing a black bikini that is hot but bad for tan lines.  So Camille and Brandi are sunning themselves, making sweet, sweet love to the pool boy’s spritzer, and here come Ken and Lisa.  Everyone retreats to the beach where Mmmmauricio and Kyle are watching the dolphins jump and play without a care in the world.  Well, there’s one care.  Where the hell is Kim??

Lastly but not leastly, Lisa accepts a call from an unknown number who turns out to be Taylor who proceeds to inform them that her marriage is over.  Yep, done-zo.  Sayonara.  It’s been real, but not really.  We’ll get to see all the ladies’ reactions on that next week.
Alrighty, coming up on Housewives:  Fun in Hawaii until Kim and Mmmmauricio start fighting over pupus, and the catamaran leaves Kim and Spike because Spike will sink the whole damn thing.
Until next week my sweets!

**Addition: One of my fabulous readers pointed out that I did not mention the ladies eating Burger King breakfast in the First Class Club.  I did notice in fact; however, as I told her, I got frustrated trying to spell Cinnabon (sp?) and deleted the sentence.  But yeah, did you guys see that?  Housewives eat Burger King breakfast!  They threw it up on the airplane later.  The flight attendents in First Class hold your hair back for you.