Wednesday, January 18, 2012
SUR: Surrounded by Unwelcome Rubbish
Holy Lip Implant! That was cray!! That was so cray, I couldn’t take notes, and I’m just now getting around to writing about it so bear with me if I go out of order on some of this. There is a lot to touch on. Let’s get started…
I think we open with Kyle getting ready with her daughter Farrah. While applying her make-up, Kyle expresses concern and stress about seeing Kim at the SUR opening that evening. Boy, she really has no idea what’s she’s in for, does she.
Lisa is running around, ordering the construction workers to get their ladders and hangers and tool belts and every other bloody tool outta there before the guests begin arriving. All of this she does while wearing leopard print Louboutins, which probably made those workers feel super masculine. Dearest Ken, bless his heart, goes in for a little love time to congratulate Lisa on all of her hard work paying off, and so ensues the most awkward kiss in RHBH history, and that’s saying a lot with Russell and Taylor on payroll.
I believe this brings us to the opening! First Brandi arrives with her posse. I’d like to enjoy myself while watching this, but the whole time I’m mentally pulling her dress up. Next we see Adrienne arrive in her Vegas gear as per the usge, and then a fun treat appears. Bernie the Chef strolls up to Lisa in all his fake-nice bitch glory, and efficiently inserts his nose right up Lisa’s bum. Bernie! Lisa is your arch nemesis! The Lex Luther to your Superman! The sun to your wrinkles! But here he is, air kissing and mumbling sweet nothings. No really, they were sweet nothings, no one knew what the hell he was saying. All of this would be funny in and of itself, but this is Real Housewives of BEVERLY HILLS. They have to go a step further. Get this: Lisa, gawd love her, doesn’t have a gawddamn clue who Bernie is. OMG. This is going to make Bernie SO MAD when he sees it!! Can you imagine?? Not being recognized by your own nemesis?? I’d feel worse for Bernie if he wasn’t such a little bitch.
Ok what happens next is soooooo good. Brandi’s standing around with her girlfriends, minding her own biznatch, helping herself to a meatball on a passed tray. When, low and behold, she looks down to the holder of that tray, and it is the waitress who was sleeping with her then-husband (Icky is his name I believe) while she was pregnant with their second baby! Oh it gets better. This beezy had the audacity to go on Access Hollywood and cry about Icky leaving HER for Leann Rimes! Leaving HER!! CAN YOU EVEN HANDLE THIS RIGHT NOW?? If I were Brandi, that chick would be walking around today with meatballs for eyes, but our favorite dirty mouthed blonde (besides me, obvi) handled it pretty well. She just said, “You slept with my husband!” and the chick walked up to Lisa and said, “Umm, I think we have a slight interpersonal problem.” SLIGHT? Holy Camille-Jebus this bitch has some balls on her! Lisa consults with Brandi who says she doesn’t have to leave, but Lisa asks her to leave anyway and what could have been a huge fight scene fizzled out rather seamlessly.
Ding dong. It’s another surprise attendee! Who saunters in with a life-coach air about him and not a care in the world, but Cedric the Entertaining Houseguest from Hell. Once Lisa sees him she pounces into action, immediately asking why he’s there and who invited him. Doesn’t this guy just make your skin crawl? He’s like, “Dahling, I’m here to support you,” but by that he meant, “Dahhling, I’m here to get on TV again,” and Lisa saw right through it, yes she did. She kicked him right out of there, him and his awkward date. And we cheered Lisa. We all cheered.
Let’s rewind back a bit and discuss Kim. If you have some sort of downer and/or a drink in your hand, down it now, you’re going to need it. OK so first we see Kim in her and Spike’s hotel room in downtown LahLahLand having her make-up done by a professional. First, she pulls out a vibrator that looks just like a vibrator and tells this poor guy doing her make-up that she thought she found a tube of lipstick in her drawer. As expected, the endearing gay make-up artist says, “Honey, that’s a vibrator!” and Kim says, “Well I know that nowwwwww,” and proceeds to touch the guy’s face with it. Let me ask you guys something: Is this real life? I just want to feel regular again. Do you luuurve how she pretended she didn’t know how it got there?? Man, that Spike must be controlling. Kim tells this poor make-up dude how she’s nervous to see her sister yada yada and Spike wanders around the room looking for Kim’s things. Then she wants a 7up. No, she likes it with ice. She looks at the make-up artist and yell-whispers “Gawd he’s so stupid,” (a la Regina George) or some gem to that affect. Meanwhile, Spike’s still looking for random items on Kim’s behalf since she’s seeing two of everything.
Let’s cross the freeway for a moment and check in on Taylor. Taylor’s coming out, she wants the world to know, gonna let it show. Finally on the single scene and ready to mingle, Taylor has invited her therapist Dr. Sophie, D.O. to the SUR grand opening. She needs his support so she can go in and make yet another event all about her. Can these women not discuss things in private?? Anywhoo, Taylor is still weepy but feeling stronger than yesterday. She’s every woman, it’s all in her. She’s like a virgin touched for the very first- ok that’s going too far.
Back to the partay! No, not the partay at SUR, the partay in Kim’s limo!! You guys, this was my favorite part of the evening. I’m going to hell for that by the way, so wave when you get to the fire-doors, I’ll let you in, hand you a hot cocktail, and introduce you to the big guy. Kim is clearly ten kinds of high. Her dress is falling off, she can’t feel her face, she thinks the driver is a naked Spanish-speaking chipmunk, and she’s obsessed with pressing all the fancy limo buttons. “Buttons! Buttons! I luuuurve buttons!” she slurs while Spike is trying to control her to the best of his dinosaur ability. The problem with being a dinosaur though, is that your arms are never proportionate to your body. Small arms, big hearts. Ahh it’s a dino’s life, I tell you. So Spike can’t do anything because he’s flailing his tiny arms around and can’t catch Kim because she literally thinks she’s the gingerbread man. She’s all over the place like Buddy the Elf at the doctor’s office. Popping cotton balls, pricking herself with needles. She reaches around and grabs, I wish I was kidding, her own used empty coke bag (I know what that looks like from watching Intervention on A&E btw mom) and don’t act like that wasn’t hers because we all know it was. In her cloud of fuckedupedness, she realizes what she has grabbed and tries to play it off like it’s not hers, but the problem is that she is a shit liar.
“Look! Someone’s trash is back here! OMG it’s poop!!” Kim throws the baggy to the side as Spike watches horrified saying, “That’s not yours. That’s not yours.” Keep telling yourself and the cameras that buddy. For my readers who only read and don’t watch, no, there was no poop involved. That was just the first word to pop into her head. OH also, she decides to have Spike take her bra off because “It’s too dirty.” Ewwww.
Kim finally arrives to the partay and she flutters about giving air kisses and hugs. When she gets to Kyle it’s awkward but cordial. Kyle repeats over and over again how pretty Kim looks to compensate for their fighting ways I guess, I don’t know. Ken (my Ken, I know it’s getting confusing with the Kens) happen to sit down next to me for this part and it hit the point of ridiculousness to where he finally looked at me all funny and asked, “Is this bitch for real?” I had to tell him the truth: “Yes. Yes. This bitch is for real.” Not my proudest moment. Anywhoo, then Kim corners Adrienne who can see she’s clearly several hundred sheets to the wind and Kim cryptically whispers, “It’s over. It’s done. Get him away from me,” or something like that. To this Adrienne appropriately responds, “Whaaaaa?” and Kim says, “Come with me to the bathroom.” Kim is trying to get away from Spike and Spike just keeps following her around everywhere. She escapes with Adrienne to the bathroom where she reveals that their relationship is over (shocker) and that he’s got a reeeally mean side to him and is super controlling. As an audience, we’re about to have to admit Kyle was right by the way, fair warning.
Adrienne is scared out of her shiny extensions, as well she should be, and immediately fetches Kyle to tend to her hot mess of a sibling. Kyle rushes to Kim’s side, takes her to the back room, and they have a heart to heart. It’s good stuff folks. First, Kim says that Spike controls her and asks who she’s talking to on the phone and is controlling (just like Kyle thought) and she’s just sick and tired of it. Her stuff is already packed up and she’s moving out (to where, one must wonder). Kyle’s like, “See! I told you! I just see-ed you! I knew you weren’t happy! I always apologize and you NEVER apologize but I’ll always luuurve you!” and Kim’s like, “I’ll always luuurve you too, and there’s something else.” DUN DUN DUNNNN.
“I’m late,” reveals Kim.
“Late for what, everything?” Just kidding, Kyle doesn’t actually say that. But it’s what she’s thinking so I included it. Kyle actually says, “Late, you don’t mean late, late.”
And Kim with glazed over eyes and a touch of drool on her chin nods her head yes.
“How late?!?” Kyle demands.
Kim holds up three fingers.
“Three weeks!?!” Kyle spits.
“Three months,” Kim mumbles with her head hanging.
Have either of these women heard of menopause?? It’s the much more likely suspect for a three month missed period at the age of fifty than a pregnancy that has caused you ZERO other symptoms. But I like how Kim was just going to continue boozing and drugging and never take a test to find out because she was too scared. Good thing she wasn’t pregnant or she probably would have given birth in the bathroom at prom.
By the way, Kim’s reason for not wanting another baby: She really wants to travel. She could use a puppy or a kitty though so if you have one you hate you should give it to her. Kim spends the rest of the night in the bathroom while people take turns trying to get her out, and that my friends is why Bravo forced her into rehab and she’s not at the reunion.
Commercial break teaser moment: Spike confronts Brandi about her saying he looks like a gay bull mastiff in Hawaii while Paul laughs hysterically. Spike’s like, “What does that mean??” and Brandi says, “That you’re a big dog. It doesn’t mean anything!” Best moment of the night.
Hold onto your white wine and protect your box of tissues folks, Taylor’s in the house! Taylor and Dr. Sophie, D.O., arrive to Sur and whisk the ladies off to the back room for a group therapy sesh. Taylor is obviously covering up a gnarly black eye which is disturbing. She explains that indeed Russell was physically abusing her and she was stuck in the “cycle of abuse” and was just now finally able to break free. She takes responsibility for her actions and the position in which she put all the girls. Adrienne uncharacteristically breaks in like fifteen too many times to say, “Now wait wait wait. Now you told us stuff but then did other things and there were litigation threats thrown left and right,” and then Dr. Sophie would be like, “Let her speak,” and then Adrienne would be like, “Now wait a minute now,” and then Camille-Jebus said unto them, “She does owe me an apology for saying I put her family in danger,” and to that Taylor threw a cloth of calm over the whole room and said, “You’re right, and I do apologize for that and for everything and I take full responsibility,” and then everyone was like, “Ok we luuurve you Taylor,” and they all piled their perfectly manicured and blinged out hands upon one another’s and we all felt warm and fuzzy inside because camaraderie is the reason we watch this show. JUST KIDDING, but it was a nice moment.
Ok next week we have THE FINALE which includes Pandy’s wedding and a reunion of the ladies after Russell’s passing so the second half will be interesting. Thanks for sticking with me, I know this was a long one. Oh and by the way, I’m so excited about the return of our OC ladies I can hardly deal with it. Until next week my luuurves...