Tuesday, January 10, 2012

And the Truth Shall Set Them Free

Wow, so many truths in this episode, and so many lies.  Where to begin?  Let us get started…
The truth about Paul and Adrienne:  They haven’t held hands in years.  It was nice to see a romantic moment between the two.  I’m so glad they found each other because I’m not sure anyone else would be able to stand to have one of them as a life partner.  But they’re cute.  Truth: The only kind of snake found on Hawaii is called the Island Blind snake and they look more like worms.
Oh sweet Camille-Jebus, Kim’s here.  Kim and Spike arrive to the Hawaiian getaway about a day and a half late.  Kyle and Mmmmauricio are about to enjoy a large green cocktail of sorts when all of a sudden, Kyle hears a familiar voice in the hallway.  It sounds vaguely like a black sheep and a green dinosaur.  It is!  Low and behold, Bravo was able to pay off the Four Seasons and get Kim the room right next to Kyle’s.  Like the crazy person she is, Kyle puts her eager eye to the peep hole and her fervent ear to the wall.  Kyle, sit down and enjoy your cocktail with your husband.  I assume you’re wearing a towel for a reason, and things that require putting on a towel afterwards are usually pleasurable.  Enjoy your life, enjoy Hawaii.  Mahalo.
Meanwhile, in the room next door, Kim is without a care in the world.  Remember how she and Kyle had some words over that expired driver’s license?  Kim decided it was best not to notify anyone they were in, and instead just snort some downers and enjoy a Jack and Coke on the lanai with Spikey.  Wanna hear what doped up conversation sounds like? 
“Male ducks are prettier than female ducks.”
“Heh heh.  Not this time.”
What a couple of winners.
It’s time for a fancy dinner!  Everyone put on their fancy dresses (Lisa and Brandi gave me a sherbet craving I couldn’t curve for the life of me) and headed to the lawn.  Truth:  I was jealous of that table, I mean holy fanciness.  That dinner should have been ohhhhhed and ahhhhhed over but instead, tension was a’brewin’ and no one would get out unscathed.  Kim and Spike wander up, saunter up, stumble up to the nice Hawaiian greeter.  Kim mumbles some nonsense (“I mean Aloha…”) then sways on over to the dinner table.  This is classic.  Spike and Kim act as if nothing in the world is not as it should be, while Kyle is burning a hole through her sister’s scull with her eyeballs.  Spike and Kim have a lopsided seat and Mmmmauricio asks what happened to them to make them so late?  I believe we already know that Mmmm-darling, it’s because she didn’t wake up to her alarm clock, has an expired driver’s license, a lost passport, and was high as a kite in a contest.  But wait!  Kim’s response threw us all for a loop.  Channeling her inner Vicki Gunvelson, Kim gives us:
“Spike had to work.  He just had to work!”
Well, come to find out, Spike is retired.  Of course he is!  He’s 4 million years old!  But he works one –count ‘em- ONE day a week, and yesterday was that day.  Except that Kim already told Kyle the reason she couldn’t make the flight, which had nothing to do with Ken working.  Cut to Kim in her one-on-one wearing her gawddamn Christmas tree blouse telling us, “We just didn’t want to get into it so we just said Ken had to work.”  BUT YOU ALREADY TOLD THEM THE REAL REASON.  Truth:  Drug addicts make terrible liars.  Mmmmauricio is clearly having none of this, and to be frank, neither would I.  I would have to call them out right there on the spot as well, because it is just SO ridiculous!  I mean, what’s the point??  Everyone already heard you!!  Ok so Kyle is pissssssed.  She can’t even really talk (shocking, I know).  Kim just tells them to enjoy their own lives, and the subject changes, if only for a brief and enjoyable moment.
Kyle announces to the group that Taylor is leaving Russell.  Everyone has a little something to say, but the best is from ol’ ‘Jack and Coke’ Kim who says, “That’s cause she wants to be at the next dinner!”  Whoaaaaaa touché Kim, touché.  Way to have an impactful moment of lucidness.  Paul says he gives it two weeks.  I love Paul.  Then Paul gets up and makes a toast to his wife.  Then they share a little kiss, then a big tongue-filled make-out sesh kiss and everyone laughs and it’s all fun and games, until Kyle starts crying.  Lisa tries to calm her.  “This is not the time or place (famous RH last words)” but to no avail.  Kyle is straight up irritated.  I have to say I understand why she is.  I mean, it’s really annoying but you can’t control the world Kyle, you really can’t.  And now you’re effing up this beautiful dinner for an argument that you are not going to win, especially not right now.  The best part is when Mmmmauricio toasts to the truth.
“In my many years as a Mexican/Lebanese/Portugese/Mongolian, I have learned that the most treasured thing one finds on Earth is truth.  So let us toast (looks directly at Kim and Spike) to the truth!”
Good one Mmmauricio.  No one feels awkward now.  And so ends yet another dinner party from hell.  And in the setting of absolute heaven.  Tragic.
The next morning, the production staff has chartered a boat to take the ladies and gents out on the open seas for a day of fun in the sun.  Their fun is soon blemished by the fact that Kim and Spike are twenty minutes late to the bus.  Lisa and Kyle try to break into their room, even climbing over to their balcony to yell at them to get out of there.  Turns out, Kim and Spike slept through their alarm AGAIN.  AGAIN YOU GUYS.  It is 11:30am Hawaiian time which makes it like 2:30pm Beverly Hills time, which means Kim is telling us that she needs an alarm to wake up at 2:30pm in the afternoon.  Now keep in mind, she’s still denying any drug use at this point.  Yeah, no, seriously.  Anywhoo, Lisa’s had it up to her Chanel earrings with Kim and her blatant disregard for the group.  Did you notice when they did come out of the hotel that they were in nooooo hurry?  That was kind of funny.  So yeah, the bus straight-up left their hangover asses at the Four Seasons.  Kim’s usually pretty prompt you guys, she’s never late.  She also tells us that by the third or fourth day they’ll have that pesky alarm clock figured out.  Umm, hello Cray!  You will only be there two days and this was one of them!!  OMG I almost can’t take it anymore with this chick.  Someone drop her off at the Disney Studio and let her wander til she dies.
All the normal-ish (normal-er?) people made it on the damn catamaran just in time to wave goodbye to Kim and Spike at the dock.  Aloha!  Truth:  I read the producer’s blog and he said they really were on a time crunch and it was the crew who forced the boat to take off on time instead of waiting for Tweedle Dope and Tweedle Dino.  Kyle felt bad, Lisa didn’t feel a thing, and Brandi felt a draft right up her hoohah because Lisa untied one side of her bikini bottom.  I absolutely luuuurve Brandi and Lisa together, it’s the best of both worlds:  Classy with a dirty sense of humor, and trashy with a dirty sense of humor.  Can I be the third ladies?  I’ll be Sassy with a dirty sense of humor.  Oh that’s cute.  I’m going to trademark that.  Also, Mmmauricio swimming underwater with fish.  Put that in your martini glass and drink it.
While everyone was having fun on the boat, Spike and Kim enjoyed a relaxing lunch back on land.  They must have popped a couple some’in’ some’in’s because they were like two teenagers on Day Three of Woodstock.  They just really needed this you guys, they really needed this.  You know, because one’s retired and the other one doesn’t work.  And I know this because my closed captioning for the hearing impaired told me Kim said that like seventeen times.  I couldn’t understand her because she wasn’t really opening her eyes or mouth.  Spike sluggishly agreed, not because he didn’t whole-heartily agree with what she was saying (they really did need that lunch), he was too messed up to physically nod his head, show enthusiasm, or carry on a typical conversation.  Truth: There was rum in that Pepsi.
Back on the boat, the ladies were admiring Brandi’s bootay in her little Brazilian number.  It’s true, I see not a dimple.  Lucky bitch.
BUZZ KILL!  Back on the mainland, Taylor visits Dana so they can both get some much desired air time –I MEAN- so Taylor can fill in Dana on the latest.  Apparently Dana’s chef can only chef salmon.  He’s tried to chef all the other proteins, but all he can chef is salmon.  But he uses $25,000 salmon, so it’s coooo.  Whoa, Taylor’s hair is ever-so-obviously covering her eye.  That’s unnerving.  The whole time I was trying to get a peak of it, but we all know what it looked like at its worst.  If you don’t, Google, “Taylor Armstrong eye bashed in”.  Warning:  image is disturbing.  As if her whisper of face hair was telling the tale, Taylor revealed to Dana that indeed, her marriage was over.  She is finally feeling a sense of relief, after a season of crying, screaming, and drinking too much.  No one is arguing that.  Dana, ever the loyal friend, tells Taylor in this time of crisis how all of her other co-stars/friends turned their backs on her at the White Party, but she’s still here.  She’s still here because she didn’t get invited to Hawaii which was her dream, otherwise she’d be there.  But she’s here.  She’s here with all of her stoner positive sayings such as, “I am so psyched that I know you.”  Go ahead, say it in your best Keanu Reeves voice.  Say it with your best Sean Penn in “Fast Times at Ridgemont High” voice.  “I am so psyched that I know you.”
 That’s right Spicoli.  Truth: Dana’s flower ring cost $77,000 and is made of 100% pure blood diamonds.
Before we sign off of this episode, there has to be one more dinner.  The first one wasn’t quite shit-stormy enough, so we have to have one more.  Everyone’s all fancy again, and Kim and Spike arrive once more to shatter everyone’s dreams of semi-normalcy.  It’s really not their fault, it’s actually Kyle’s because she’s just too pissed off to let anything go at this point.  The irony is, she’s worried about Kim being disrespectful to the group, but her badgering Kim for the second lovely dinner in a row is also disrespectful to the group, no?  After 40-something years of this, she wants to try to solve it at THIS dinner table.  Alright, let the games begin.
Kim is just soooooo glad they didn’t make the boat trip because it allowed them to have a restful lunch.  What else did they do?  No, just lunch.  Did you do anything else though?  We had lunch!  Spike and Kim had lunch allll day.  I believe it at the rate they were going at lunch. 
OMG I almost forgot!  Kim, Paul and Adrienne were having a nice stroll down the pathway just chatting about Kim’s budding relationship with her favorite dinosaur, and Spike comes out of the bushes and just starts chucking verbal tree stars left and right!  Kim tells him his ears must be burning because they were just talking about him, and Spike’s like, “I know, and I don’t like it one bit, not one bit do I like it.  I saw the look on this one’s face (points to Adrienne) she looks like the gawddamn joker and I’m not into it.  I can tell it’s bad, and I want it to stop.”  Whooooooa Cray.  Paul’s like, “Dude, no one was talking bad about you,” and Spike was like, “Ok, ok. Well just stop it,” and Adrienne took the words right out of our mouths with her phrase, “My gawd.”  Truth:  Drugs make you paranoid.
OK back to the dinner table.  Kim and Spike were just so glad they didn’t make the boat.  They missed the boat- literally! Ha ha.  I think Brandi’s right, it’s Kim’s world and we’re all just living in it.  How relieved are we that the woman finally went to rehab!  I mean, honestly.  Kyle starts in again on Kim’s behavior throughout the trip and Kim couldn’t be any more defensive.  Spike’s getting really angry at this point too.  You can see it starting to boil below the surface.  Kim tells us Kyle is “crawling up a tree,” “picking a bone,” and “being an egg beater” just beating those dead eggs to a pulp.  Wow, that’s a lot of metaphors in one sitting.  Kyle just picks and picks at the bone, all the while Kim is staying irritatingly calm (irritating for Kyle, not us, I found her calmness soothing really) and Mmmmauricio joins in to get a stab here and a jab there and then out of nowhere Spike just says, “We don’t care.”  wiki-Whaaat?  Wow Spike, tell us how you really feel.  Kyle stares, shocked.  Spike gets up, “Let’s go.”  Did a housewife just get up and leave a potential dinner party from hell???  Cray.  I liked Kyle’s response in her one-on-one, “Good, then scram.  Asshole.” 
As they leave the dinner party room, Spike says he’s tired of Kyle’s voice, which sounds to him like horns through the air.  Umm, what?  Back in the dinner room, everyone’s talking about what just went down.  Brandi offers some expert advice on drug usage, and Lisa offers key advice telling Kyle she should separate herself from the situation.  Kyle wants her sister to get sober and quit being an unreliable mess.  She also wants Spike to go extinct.  Paul wants to get laid, and Camille just wants the busboy’s eight inches of freedom.  Truth:  We are all just human, and we all have our wants.
Next week:  The grande opening of Sur and guess who comes to dinner…the C word.  Also, Kim and Kyle are at it again, and some other shit goes down.
Alright, until next week Friends…

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