Wednesday, November 23, 2011

Carnival Rodeo Circus of Awkward: It's All for the Children

OK friends, so I had sooo much fun with Skipper watching Monday night’s episode that I neglected my note-taking.  As they say, gawd is in the details so forgive me if this blog isn’t as in-depth as usual, but it is a holiday week so I’m hoping everyone will forgive me.  I’ll do my very best to bring you all the vapid details I can recall.  Let’s get started…
We are instantly back in Lisa’s pink puff fluff room for Part Two of the Tea Party that went terribly wrong.  It was more like the Boston Tea Party than your traditional English high tea.  Camille reiterates her point that Taylor is the one who needs to be honest with herself, and until then should not demand honesty from the others.  She does what is rare in Housewives history; she makes her point and then leaves.  It is a dramatic exit, but a graceful one I thought.  Gawddammit I luuurve Camille this season you guys, seriously.
Left stunned on the couch are Lisa, Taylor, and Kyle.  Lisa realizes all of a sudden that Taylor has wayyyy worse problems than being insecure about her relationship with Lisa and decides to drop the animosity and the doubts she has and just start anew.  Taylor is like the new girl in junior high trying to squeeze her way into the popular group though she in no way fits in.  Lisa is the head of the group, the leader of the pack, and is seemingly naïve to the fact that they all clamor to be liked by her, though we all know she is aware.  Up until this point she’s had no patience for the false splendor, the inconsistencies that Taylor presents.  But now that she has succumb to the stories, whether they be real or not and which we find later are in fact truth, and Taylor immediately drops the hard feelings and embraces Lisa’s newfound friendship.  It’s really fascinating the way Taylor is quite child-like in her need to feel wanted and accepted.  Taylor actually has Lisa “pinky-promise” that they are now friends.  Nothing has changed, and yet everything has changed.  Kyle and the rest of us are left sitting on our prospective couches with our heads tilted in a questioning puppy-dog fashion thinking, “Wait, what in the hell just happened?” 
Camille, Adrienne, and Kyle all have a lunch together to rehash what went on at the Tea Party.  Camille has apparently apologized numerous times to Taylor and she has not responded.  Adrienne and Kyle agree that what Camille said was not wrong, and it wasn’t!!  Here’s my thing you guys:  If you are in an abusive relationship and living with a person who physically assaults you in the same home that your five year old resides in, then just WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING ON A REALITY SHOW?!?!?!?!?!  No, seriously.  Get your kid and yourself someplace safe.  Quit it with the botox and the lip plumping and the Vuitton shopping and the G-4 riding and the limo-taking and the gawddamn day drinking and GET THE FUCK OUTTA THERE!!!  I just don’t get it you guys.
OK sorry for the rant.  Bravo’s not quite done with the rehashing of the tea saga so next we have Kyle in her kitchen when who comes in but the morally corrupt Faye Resnick.  Did anyone else notice that now when Faye Resnick comes on screen (how badly does this woman wish she was one of the housewives, my gawd) the little title thingy at the bottom left corner of the screen says:

Faye Resnick
Kyle’s Friend/Designer

Friend/Designer, I luuuurve it.
Kyle’s child/pre-schooler

Taylor’s Cake maker/Knitting Enthusiast

Table & Chair Extraordinaire/Hide and Seek Title holder 2002

Ok I’m done.
Anywhoo, Faye comes in with samples or some shit and Kyle is in her kitchen just waiting to gab.  In comes Mmmmmauricio of course.  Does it seem to anyone else like Kyle is constantly throwing Mmmmmauricio in people’s faces???  I mean, the guy is always around during these bitchfests, does he not work?  So Kyle’s like, “ohhhhhh my gawwwwd Faye I have to tell you about this scene we filmed,” and Faye’s all, “Ok but hurry up because this house needs color!!!”  We get it Faye, you’re a serious Interior Designer/Kyle’s Friend/Playboy Model/Scarf Wearer.  So Kyle tells the story AGAIN, and Mmmmmauricio and Faye are all like, “hmmmm mmmm hmmmm,” and that’s about it.  Oh yeah, Faye knows a thing or two about domestic abuse, because, and I don’t know if you know this or not, Faye was really good friends with Nicole Brown Simpson.  I just luuuurve that all these middle-aged women are coming out of the woodwork (AHEMMMMMM Kris Jenner you filthy fame-whore) to talk about how they were just such good friends with Nicole Brown Simpson and knew all of these ways they could have saved her but for one reason or another did not.  All of you should really take a deep breath in and then shut the fuck up because no one ever came forward about her abuse until the poor woman had about thirty or so stab wounds.  And Kris Jenner, your husband was O.J.’s defense attorney so REALLY?!?!  Satan called, he’d like his job back.
Does this blog sound angry?  I just have this thing about the exploitation of domestic abuse victims, whether someone else is doing the exploiting or they are doing it themselves…
 Onto the party!  Since for Kennedy’s fourth birthday Taylor threw a $60,000 party that Kennedy loathed, Taylor decided to scale back (you know, given the bankruptcy and the multiple lawsuits) and threw a $40,000 birthday party this year instead.  You know, scaling down, the economy in the shitter and all.  So this year we have a Carnival Rodeo Circus complete with purple magician, has-been alcoholic performer who no one knows, pony rides and a mechanical bull.  I don’t have children (duh) but I’m pretty sure mechanical bulls have no place at a kids birthday party.  Oh it was actually a party to impress adults?  Go tit (that’s my favorite typo so I’m leaving it, but that’s meant to say “Got it”).
Taylor arrives for the set-up with nipples standing at full attention.  She makes her rounds to ensure everything is going smoothly.  It’s not.  Nothing is set up really so she’s running around yelling at people.  In walks Dana looking a hot mess as per the usge declaring, “Look at me in my cowboy gear!” which consists of her signature shorts, a silk brown top that looks in no way western, baby blue cowboy boots and a cowboy hat.  This woman needs a stylist worse than Courtney Love.  Taylor’s all, “Ohhh my party planner, thanks for showing up!” in her best sarcasm.  Dana shakes it off and starts unfolding tables like a trooper.  The table guy reveals that he only has the adults tables and no children’s tables and Taylor’s nipples must fight off a nervous breakdown, their second this season.  Someone tells her that a man named Jaime has the kid tables so Taylor proceeds to run around the trucks yelling “Himee!  Are you Himee???  Is he Himee?!?!?!  Which one of you is Himee???  I NEED HIMEEEEEE!” and then Jaime, against everything his intuition tells him, reveals himself.  Taylor’s nipples literally jump on Jaime in excitement and relief, scaring the poor man and giving him the courage to finally demand that raise he so deserves. 
Guests start arriving.  Kyle and her brood of course, Adrienne and Paul, Kim sans Spike, OH SHIT THAT REMINDS ME!!!
There was a random scene with Kim moving her stuff into Spike’s weird cave made of stone and rock (obvi since he’s a dinosaur) and she wanted to mount this fugly thing that I could only presume was a brass sculpture tribute to the Golden Gate Bridge.  Spike didn’t like the idea because even dinosaurs have better taste than Kim.  Kim wouldn’t budge though, nope nope nope.  She says she’s an Arabian horse that cannot be tamed.  A horse and a dino, what a pair, bless their hearts.  Spike ends up liking the horrible sculpture placement.  These two are precious.
Back to the partay.  Brandi comes even though she doesn’t have the boys that weekend.  She tries to make nice with Kim, but Kim’s not having it.  She was in the middle of a story about Disney horses and unicorn fantasies with kiss-ass Dana and Brandi came up and had the nerve to say hi.  Kim just flat-out ignored her.  Dana also pretty much ignored her which was…I guess not surprising.  Brandi quickly forfeited and hobbled away after which Dana’s smoker’s voice said, “Awwwkwward,” which made it even more awkward.

La la la, party party party.  Oh yeah, Ace Somebody from some TV show was there because, I don’t know why.  Apparently some other dude who no one knows is Dana’s future stepson and he sings with this other guy.  Anyway, other guy was flirting with Taylor and sweet Jebus, it was as if no one had ever flirted with her before.  She was all over it.  She said, “I have to get out of here *excessive laughter* before I….” and other dude was all, “Eat me up??”  Ohhhh so that’s how it is other dude.  Yeah, other dude knows what he’s doing…*wink wink, nudge nudge, nubbin rub*

Russell was there of course.  I always feel skeezy for watching when he’s on screen.  He wanted to bring his present in (he made the same case last year when he bought her a puppy they had to take away because it almost killed the child).  This year it was a horse, obvi.  Dana made a stink because she wanted her cousin step-uncle to have the air-time with his sing-song but Russell snapped at her and she backed off.  He brings in the horse, Kennedy is her anti-social self, and Taylor’s ooohing and aaahing with other dude.  Finally it’s time for Kennedy’s song.  I don’t know, I mean, couldn’t we all write a song for a five-year old?
“She’s got eyes that open and close, she likes to color, she has highs and lows, but mostly she just needs a nap….la de da dee daaa….”

The best part was that other dude was up there on stage (did Dana’s twice removed step-uncle cousin ever even sing???) and he was waving around a gin and tonic like it wasn’t a five-year olds birthday party.  I think if he’d had his way he would have been jumping out of a cake wearing nothing but a smile.  Just as I was thinking that, cut to Brandi laughing about how he was waving around his drink cheers-ing the audience like it was the Copacabana.
A couple other things happened….Mmmmmauricio rode the bull like a stallion and Paul Nassif rode the bull like an inbred donkey.  Kyle did the splits for everyone on a table…oop!  Wrong partay.
Oh yes, Lisa couldn’t attend the party because she knew it was a façade but used the excuse that her daughter needed her.  She ended up picking terrible wedding invitations at $150 a pop because they were boxes and, isn’t it silly?  Pandora’s box!  Get it???  I could make a dirty joke here but I won’t.
I still think Pandora’s fiancée is a serial killer, just sayin’.
That’s about it friends.  Next week I promise to keep it light, stay off the soap box, and be the usual shallow Bitch Barbie that you all know and luuuurve.  I hope you all have a wonderful holiday, and I’ll see you here next week.

Wednesday, November 16, 2011

Tragic Taylor and the Tea Time Tussle

The second part of this episode knocked my little plastic pumps off.  Oh the revelations!  With emotions running high we finally get what we were waiting for since the season began, and that my friends is a desperate woman who is unable to make recognizable facial expressions and can barely get her lips to make words dramatically sobbing the line “If you can’t be my friend, then please don’t be my enemy.”  I can still feel the drama running through my veins like bitchy tar heroin.  Let’s get started…
We open where we left off which is at Kim’s ranch out in the middle of fucking nowhere according to Kyle, far far far away from civilization and most importantly her family.  After revealing her secret to Kyle that she’s been seeing a man for a year, Kim says, “And guess what, he’s here and I want you to meet him!”  Kyle tries to hide her tears behind ginormous sunglasses ($25,000, didja know?) but to no avail.  She walks into the house and, against everything she believes in, is introduced to Spike the Boyfriend and Handyman Jim (Spike the Boyfriend’s friend and handyman).  Kyle literally cannot even pretend to be a nice person.  When she is introduced to the poor guy she looks like she’s getting an enema while eating a lemon, and still crying by the way.  The first thing she asks is not “What do you do?” or “Are you originally from LA?” but instead, “Is that a wedding band?”  Yep, Spike is sporting a wedding band looking ring and Kyle’s inner negativity radar starts sounding the alarm.  Her eyes get big and rolly and her tongue gets sharp as Lorena Bobbit’s knife collection.  But Spike has a reasonable explanation for this band.  Little Foot gave it to him when Sarah, Ducky and Petri were out trying to find Tree Stars to eat so that the great…ok sorry, I couldn’t resist another Land Before Time reference.  Actually Kim gave it to him as a “promise ring”.  Yeah, no I swear.  What’s that you ask?  Oh, they’re in their late forties/early fifties.  Why are they exchanging promise rings like a couple of love-struck thirteen year olds?  That I do not know.  Maybe they’re promising to retire together in ten years.  Maybe they’re promising not to use the housekeeper as a therapist anymore, or maybe it’s a promise to actually escape to witch mountain.  I know it’s not a promise to stay a virgin until they move in together because they both have a litter of kids.  I really have no idea why a grown woman would give a grown man a promise ring but who am I, right?  Just an iconic doll that’s been popular for over fifty years and has held upwards of two thousand high paying jobs I suppose…
Let’s take a break from this weird family dynamic and talk about Paul Nassif’s birthday dinner.  Oh those two.  They just luuuurve to bicker, don’t they?  You guys know I dig Adrienne, but listening to her order food could be equated in many cultures to water boarding.  She doesn’t like anything.  She doesn’t like turkey or potatoes, shrimp or French fries, roast beef or macaroni and cheese.  She only likes cappuccinos and milkshakes.  Camille-Jebus Paul, you should know this by now, especially if I do.  They chat a bit around the bickering about feeling bad for Taylor who is beyond a hot mess at this point.  Mostly they just set up what’s coming later on.  And bicker.
Next we have Kyle and Mmmmmauricio talking about Kim’s love life which is totes their business.  Kyle keeps saying through whispy tears, “I know it’s her life, I know it’s her life.  It’s not my business,” but then she just keeps on a’gettin’in it.  I have a theory you guys, pull up a chair.  I think that Mama Richards was like the Kris Kardashian of the 1960’s.  Between Kim’s alcoholism, her comments about having to “work to support the entire family” throughout her childhood, the fact that all three girls went into acting as children, and also the fact that their family dynamics are totally loco all lead me to this theory.  Factor in Mama Richards attempt to control them from the grave (leaving her homes to all three of them equally…oh please, like that’s gonna work out) and that everything they do or say has something to do with whether or not the matriarch of the family would approve.  I think we have ourselves a bona fide “No more wire hangers” situation. 
To add to my theory, Kyle tells the camera that when she doesn’t like someone she just doesn’t acknowledge them which she learned from mommy dearest.  Or you could just pretend and be cordial Kyle, I don’t know, don’t get too crazy.
Wounded animal Taylor has been nominated for some sort of award and has invited all the ladies to attend the luncheon at which she is being honored.  Well, all but one that is.  Yes, Taylor invited everyone but Lisa because Lisa’s back-handed compliments stab Taylor’s self esteem (just kidding, she has none) like a thousand arrows through her broken, pitiful little heart.  Lisa phoned Kyle while she was looking for the others so Kyle inadvertently spilled the beans about Lisa’s lack of invite.  Lisa is not happy, Kyle is once again ruining happy moments, and Taylor doesn’t win the award.
Adrienne says that Taylor is being “passive aggressive” by not inviting Lisa to the event.  Actually Adrienne, I’m pretty sure that’s just plain old aggressive. 
Ahhhhh the tea party.  Lisa decided to invite everyone including Taylor to her home for tea the next day (now that’s passive aggressive) and all the ladies show.  It looks like Divine overdosed on Pepto Bismol and then exploded in Lisa’s home.  I mean you all know I am the color pink’s number one fan but this woman really takes it to another level.  The ladies settle in and at first it’s all la dee da, but then Lisa says, “So Taylor, why didn’t you invite me to your luncheon?  I was actually really hurt by that,” and Taylor’s like, “STOP SAYING YOUR NOT MY FRIEND!”
Ok. Ok ok ok.  First of all, there is a HUGE difference between saying “I’m not masquerading as your best friend” and “I’m not your friend.”  There also happens to be a difference between saying that once and saying it before every sentence.  Taylor is pulling a ‘cray betch’ just like Camille did last season.  When you’re going through a rough time and you are feeling insecure and basically completely losing your shit, you may have a tendency to interpret things differently than their true meaning.  Bottom line: Give it up Taylor, you are too insecure and emotionally unstable to be friends with a Brit.
Taylor goes “Oklahoma on her ass” and starts throwing around accusations of shit talking by the other ladies and they’re all like, woah.  Hold the phone Country Love.  There is a strong difference between venting to one friend about another and “shit-talking’.  Taylor busts out with her argument that Lisa’s ego has become bigger than Dolly Parton’s cup size.  She puts Kyle on the spot and Kyle has to sheepishly admit she’s made maybe a comment or two about Lisa’s ego growth.  Taylor’s specific example is SUCH a gem. 
“Lisa, you’re your own screen saver on your iPad!” 
a.       I see absolutely nothing wrong with this.
b.      I am my own screensaver on every piece of technology I own.
Lisa shows us the picture on her iPad of her in black lingerie holding Giggy and I just lapped it up like a kitten does a bowl of full fat milk. 
Taylor won’t let it go.  She’s bound and determined to get this all out in the open.  All the other ladies are bound and determined NOT to go there, and slowly curl into the fetal position right there on Lisa’s pink couch.  Lisa tried to defend herself saying that she has only ever been concerned and what she meant was not that Taylor wasn’t her friend but just that as they were not close and, despite that, she was there if Taylor needed help.  She even apologized.  Oh Taylor would not take that, no she wouldn’t. 
“I’ve been kissing your ass this whole time and I only ever wanted to be your friend!”
At this point, we’re all starting to wonder if Taylor is going to get all Beaver Creek on us, crawl into a suitcase and start baby-talking nonsense phrases.  Lisa tries to apologize again, but mostly you can tell she’s totally confused as to why Taylor is reacting this way.
“This is breaking my heart, I can’t live like this!” Taylor cries.
Then get off the reality show Cray!  WTF??  Why did this woman think this was going to turn out well?  Evidently they don’t do the psychiatric evaluations on these cast members like they do on The Bachelor, not that that outcome turns out any better. 
Without the support of the other women in the attack against Lisa in her own home, Taylor makes a dramatic exit declaring that the rest of the women are chicken.  Yeah, you’re the brave and strong one Taylor.  Sweet Jebus this woman is delusional.  Unfortunately for Adrienne’s husband Paul, he’s randomly standing at the entrance gate and runs into Taylor.  Apparently the gate doesn’t open for just anyone and she’s stuck inside while Paul is stuck outside.  Through the gate, Taylor unleashes on Paul a whirlwind of cray trying to explain what just went on.  Taylor, you obviously have no clue what goes on in a man’s head.  Men cannot comprehend drama, they just don’t get it.  I’m talking only about straight men here, obvi.  So while Taylor is spilling her heart through the gate, Paul is hearing the Charlie Brown teacher voice and wondering why Taylor’s fillers look like someone punched her in the face (too soon?). 
After Paul massages Taylor’s botched face trying to get the nubbins out, Taylor comes back to Lisa’s to tell Adrienne to call Paul.  THIS BITCH IS SO CRAY!  Taylor, you NEVER return to the scene of the crime!  Well, she learned her lesson because here’s what happened next…
While Taylor was laying it all on Paul at the gate, the other women started talking about how this whole Lisa thing was just smoke and mirrors to hide what’s really going on with Taylor.  Taylor had told all the women individually that Russell was actually physically abusing her, but then her actions would tell a different story.  She told Camille that he was leaving her or she was leaving him and right afterwards told her she was getting on a G4 with him with that signature fake giant smile on her filler canvas.
It was a G4, but was it like a G6?...Couldn’t resist.

The giggy is up.  The women confront Taylor about her mixed messages and the secrets they’ve been keeping to protect her.  Taylor pretty much keeps quiet as they tell her how they’re feeling about what’s going on with her.  As she tries to deflect from the major issues at hand, Camille loses it.  Clearly out of frustration Camille exclaims,
“We’ve all been protecting YOU because we don’t say that he hits you!  But we’re saying it now!”  And Taylor’s jaw drops (watch out belowwww!) and our jaws drop, and Kyle’s face falls in her hands, and Adrienne makes a run for the gate but the gate doesn’t open…
Actually they all sit there stunned and we don’t get to see the end of this mess until next week’s episode.  Also next week, something happens with a Planet Hollywood that Adrienne’s not happy about and Taylor wants Camille to shovel shit at Kennedy’s Ranch Time birthday party (this one only cost $40,000) for outing her as a battered wife.  Also, if you had told me this time last season that Camille would end up being my favorite housewife of all time, I would have told you you were bat-shit cray.
Until next week friends…

Wednesday, November 9, 2011

Suctions, Psychics, and Shockers

If you were like me this past Monday, you kept waiting and waiting and drinking and waiting for something to go horrifically wrong in this week’s episode, given that we knew Kyle was throwing another psychic dinner party.  But alas, tragedy never struck, weaves were left in place, and no one was on meth.  Disappointing?  Yes.  A lead-in episode?  Likely.  So will we have more to talk about next week? Almost certainly.  But let’s get started anyway, shall we?
This week opened with -SURPRISE!- a plastic surgery party!!  Boy if I had a dollar for every time one of these broads got their faces injected with poison (not judging) on national television I would have enough money to throw lavish plastic surgery parties myself, and don’t think I wouldn’t.  They don’t call me plastic for nothing my friends.
Lisa is flawless and needs nothing done a’tohl, obvi. 
Kyle’s got a muffin top, a little junk in her bunk if you will, so she’s gonna get that shit rubbed out.  It really works you guys!  You rub the fat, well you pay someone $3,000 to rub it with a laser, then the fat is forced out of the cells in which it lives (poor homeless fat) and then you have to actually exercise (the horror!) and drink a lot of water, AND THEN after twelve of these treatments at $3,000 a pop and four months of exercising you actually appear skinnier!!  I know, IT’S LIKE MAGIC!  What’s even better is that Kyle says in her blog she got too busy to do the follow-up treatments so she could have just flushed that $3,000 right down the toilet and she would have had the same result.  Oh Kyle.  You cray.
Taylor skipped out on having anything done because she already looks like one of those cartoon portraits semi-homeless people draw of tourists on Fisherman’s Wharf.  JUST KIDDING, she got face fillers.
Camille couldn’t make it because Kelsey’s lawyers had just informed her that she officially married the biggest douche on the planet so she wasn’t in a pouty lip mood.  Brandi couldn’t make it because she was afraid Kyle would stab her with a needle full of Restylane and she’s still working with only one good leg.  Pam wasn’t there because no one cares.
Kim did actually show up though, late of course.  She’s never late though, except all the time.  She wanted some sort of facelift because she has the skin of a lizard from the east district of Death Valley who has been injecting vodka for the last thirty years.  During her consultation with Dr. Paul, he asks what medications she’s on.  This seems standard enough, but I know he really just wanted to know what in gawds green earth this beezy was on.  Drum roll please……Trazodone, Topamax, and Lexipro!!  MYSTERY SOLVED MY FRIENDS!!!!!
Let me educate you all on these scrips.  While on one of more depressants, one should not do anything requiring mental awareness or coordination of any kind.  One must be monitored to insure one does not become addicted to one or more of these drugs.  One must not jump on a trampoline while one is on these drugs, nor should one attend a Game Night Party while under the influence of one or more of these drugs.  Also, one may expect to experience blurry vision or what drinkers call “beer goggles” so one must take caution when looking for a mate, and one should seek a second opinion when necessary....

The ladies all congregate in the waiting room to munch on appetizers and discuss their treatments and such.  Lisa told Kyle earlier about how she received an email from Russell telling Lisa that his marriage with Taylor was all rainbows and puppy dogs and gee, isn’t it wonderful?  Of course Lisa has no clue why he’s emailing her with this, so when Taylor comes in she asks her.  Taylor gets all flustered (she was already irritated because Lisa tried to make her eat again, damn her) and says she’s late so she can’t discuss it and, why don’t you ask Russell yourself?!?  Hmmm… I seem to remember Lisa making the same point to Taylor in a limo while traveling through snowy banks and being questioned about her husband Ken’s thoughts on therapy being only for the weak….but I could be wrong (I’m not).
Anywhoo, Taylor slides out, right under the door because she can fit through the crack and doesn't have the strength needed to open it.  Kyle asks Kim if she’s attending the séance she’s holding at her home for the ladies (ANOTHER PSYCHIC DINNER PARTY DUN DUN DUNNNNNNNNNN).  Kim first says she can’t because she’s busy, then she’s too scared of the ghosts because she has too many around her all the time trying to drink her wine and steal her pillows, then it’s because it’s against her religion.  Kyle lets us in on the secret that Kim’s only religion is downers so we’re all pretty sure she’s got plans to do the hibbity bibbity with Spike that night and THAT’S the real reason she can’t make it.
Lisa does an award-winning impression of Kim.  Seriously, she should take home an Emmy.
Ohhhh also, Lisa tried to say that Camille isn’t friends with Taylor but Kyle’s like, “Yes they are,” and it’s random but you need to know for next week so I included it here.  You’re welcome.
We end this soiree with Kim getting cray painful injections all up and down her face, her eyes positioned permanently open, and a padded lip bra.  Kyle shhhhes her while she’s getting this done (You know who needs to seriously shut the fuck up??  YOU KYLE!) and Adrienne tells Paul how to do his job.  Where was she when he was making phone calls to Marky Mark during a facelift?...
Kyle invites Brandi to the séance while painting her daughter’s toe nails.  Good for you extending the olive branch Kyle.  You go Glenn Coco.  Taylor arrives to Kyle’s house early so she can talk shit about Lisa.  Apparently Lisa is “going around town” telling “everyone” that Taylor doesn’t have any “friends”.   If you are confused allow me to translate:  “Everyone” means the cast of this show, “around town” means in the waiting room at Paul Nassif’s office, and “friends” means Camille.  Taylor, we all want to feel sorry for you but you make it so hard.  Then Taylor says this which is just so yummy I want to wrap it in a slice of bacon and serve it as an hors d'oeuvre at my next plastic surgery party:
“This insult really hurts me because I really do have friends!”
Sweet Lips, if you really did have friends then this insult WOULD NOT HURT YOU.  Cray.
Yayyyy the new psychic is here!  Doesn’t this psychic have way more maternal psychicness about her than last season’s Looney Town psychic?  She even had the little meter thingy that detects ghost presence, unlike Allison Dubois who used her faux cigarette to detect bitch presence.  Beep. Beep. Beep beep beep beep beep beeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep.
Commercial break blurp:  Kim’s housekeepers have the WORST job on the planet.
The séance party begins!  Guess who is making the appetizers…it’s everyone’s favorite grumpy old chef Bernie!!!  He’s still making under his breath comments about Lisa, thank gawd.  Oh Bernie.  Always crying in his crème fraiche, our Bernie.  We start by gathering around the candle-lit table which is just so cliché.  Who decided that ghosts are attracted to candles??  If I were a ghost I would be attracted to mini corn dogs, like the ones the Schwann man delivers.  When I die, if you need to get a hold of me, just deep fry a dozen mini corndogs and a platter of pigs in a blanket.  I will haunt your ass all day.
Some of the ladies had relatives visit them.  Adrienne’s dad came out to say hello.  Lisa’s grandmother told her she really made her last twenty years by letting her stay in the manseeon and also that her poor granny tried to get a hold of her during the Dinner Party from Hell but that Devil Psychic wouldn’t let her get a word in edgewise.  Brandi had some angels around her protecting her from the Richards sisters, and Kyle was Kim’s mom in a past life, duh.  The two best readings were for Taylor and Camille but for very different reasons.  Camille’s grandparents, bless their hearts, wanted to tell Camille to rejoice in her divorce and that a hot Greek guy is headed her direction and he “swings the right way”.  Bravo Camille! 

Taylor’s was good because it was straight-up the truth which is that her marriage has dark spots, very dark spots, in fact the whole gawddamn thing is dark as hell.  And her husband is obsessed with money.  And he beats her.  And that he might be in the mafia.
Onto to the Richards Sisters Saga: Volume 102.  Kim invites Kyle over so she can tell her something important.  Of course Kyle is cray frazzled because she always thinks the worst.  She comes in demanding, “What is it?  What are you going to tell me??  WHAT IS IT?!?!?!” and Kim’s like, “K-Dawg, have a Lexipro and chill the hell out.”  On the balcony Kim finally purges her secret.
“I’m in love with a guy I met at the mailbox who looks just like Spike from “The Land Before Time” and I’m moving in with him and I’m happy!”
Kyle’s like, “Is it the guy you brought to Paris’s premiere?”  Do you feel better now that you got to say that Kyle?  Then Bravo shows us a picture of Spike and Kim together at Paris’s premiere (PREMIERE OF WHAT EXACTLY?? “Night Two in Paris”?) and we all go, “Yup yup yup, that’s him.”  And then Kyle bursts into tears (haha).
Poor Kim, honestly you guys, here she is almost lucid and seems genuinely happy and Kyle will not take happy for an answer!  She’s like, “I just don’t believe you’re happy.  I just don’t believe you’re happy,” and Kim’s like, “I’m happy!  I’m happy!” and Kyle’s like, “Mmmm no, I don’t think you are.”  Kyle doesn’t understand why Kim would keep a secret for a year about something that makes her happy.  I mean, I have no idea why she wouldn’t want to tell you Kyle, look at your reaction.  Tears of sorrow and insistent diminishing of Kim’s own feelings should make Kim feel VERY comfortable telling you stuff!  Kyle says, “We don’t even know him!” 
Dear Kyle,
In the real world, many adults have year-long relationships without introducing their significant other to their family.  Many people wait longer than that, and many never introduce them at all!  Some do it after three months, some after three years even, but the world goes ‘round and ‘round Kyle, it really does.  Please feel free to contact me with any other questions you may have about how the real world works.
Yours Truly,
Barbie Ken
Ok next week looks much more eventful.  Kyle meets Spike and has to explain why she’s crying at the news that he’s dating her sister, and Taylor confronts Lisa on the playground during second recess about her talking crap behind her back.
Until next week my luuuuurves…

Thursday, November 3, 2011

Mermaids, Marky Mark and Merry Millionaires

In the spirit of that inspiring flopping mermaid performance at Mohammad’s engagement extravaganza, I will be introducing each section of my blog with song quotes from my favorite mermaid movie ever, “The Little Mermaid”.  Let’s dive right in…
“I don’t know when, I don’t know how, but I know something’s starting right now”
We open with Lisa Vandercamel driving in her terrifyingly apathetic style while dialing the people of Beverly Hills to see if they will or will not be attending Pandora’s engagement party at Mohammad the Great’s manseeon.  Vanderwonder is slightly irritated as “no one in Beverly Hills answers their phone” but makes a slightly self-deprecating remark that maybe they don’t answer because it’s her name on the caller ID.  Kyle does pick up and chats just long enough to mock Adrienne’s use of hand soap on a chicken carcass and to inquire about the dress code for the party.
“I really don’t know dahling,” Lisa lies.
“I would assume at Mohammad’s nothing less than an evening gown would do,” coos Kyle.
Yep, evening gowns it is.  Lisa, you sneaky little devil, you don’t know the dress code- Ha!  My sparkly pink vanderpumps you don’t…
Next she reaches Taylor.  Here’s an interesting convo.  Apparently Mohammad and the late Russell Armstrong had a falling out over what one could only assume to be a business endeavor gone awry.  Here’s how the conversation went (I wish I could act it out for you because it’s way better in my exaggerated fake British accent, but here’s the script version in my best written exaggerated fake British accent):
Lisa:  This is raaather uaakward dahling, but becaaause Mohaaamaaad and Russell had a faawwwling out of sohrts, he is not welcome in Mohaaaamaaadland.  But you told me I should ahhlways just invite you anyway so….”
Wow.  Lisa cannot fake sincerity, she just can’t! 
Taylor: Oh yeah!  I’ll still come, I love parties with a bunch of rich people cause it makes me feel rich too even though I come from a troubled home in Texas so I’ll still come, I don’t even like that fuddy duddy Russell anyhow so it’s cool, I’ll be there!”
Lisa:  Oh.  Reeeally.  I was not expecting you to accept… Alright Dahling, if you insist you must come then so be it.  But be sure to wear an evening gown and for goooodness sakes, please get through this one night without bloody crying.”
“There you see her, sittin’ there across the way, she don’t got a lot to say but there’s something about her…”
Mmmmmmauricio’s mom FINALLY decides to get that facelift Paul told her she so desperately needed last season.  Remind me never to have any surgery done by Paul Nassif.  While hacking away at poor whateverhernameis’s face, Paul calls Mark Wahlberg to let him know that his lookalike dongglehopper or whateverthefuck is his anesthesiologist!  Wow, could it have waited??  I mean, not to be a prude but honestly.  Kyle walks into post-op to find the scariest mummified hamburglar scarface on Earth just in time for Halloween.  Kyle is having a minor freak-out over the appearance of her dearest mother-in-law, while Mmmmmauricio couldn’t be more relaxed about the whole thing.  I would make fun of Kyle but I too am crazy and have actually been diagnosed by a therapist as having a condition titled “Worst Case Scenario Syndrome” so I’m not going to give her a hard time, about this anyway.

“The men up there don't like a lot of blabber, they think a girl who gossips is a bore!”
Kyle and Mmmmaurico are having dinner with the ever-smiling or ever-crying Taylor and her husband who, and I hate to speak ill of the dead, has the absolute creepiest smile I have ever seen.  Speaking of creepy, how awkward was this dinner you guys?  Would you rather have been sitting on a bed of hot coals listening to Rascal Flatts (just because you can fake a horrid country accent doesn’t mean you are country so please get off of my Garth Brooks Pandora station you Lance Bass lookalike reject) while knitting a sweater made of porcupine needles than at this dinner??  Me too.  Taylor brings to the table (Really Taylor?  REALLY??) the actual tabloid magazine with the story of Taylor and Russell’s tumultuous marriage which was, according to Russell, planted by Lisa because she is friends with that particular magazine’s editor.  Oh he’s convinced you guys.  And you see, Russell has never squandered millions of dollars from hard-earning millionaires or beaten his wife or anything so he’s totally in a position to jump to conclusions and start regulating on some bitches.  Oh and regulate he plans on doing.  He tells Kyle, who he knows to be Lisa’s friend, that he is going to serve the magazine with a lawsuit so that they are forced to give up the source’s name.  I don’t think Kyle got this, I think she thought he was trying to sue Lisa.  No Kyle, you adorable bumpkin.  Not correct.  Kyle of course does not believe Lisa could do such a thing, I mean “everyone around town” knows.  Well, everyone around town plus millions of viewers who tuned in to season one.  The worst part was when Kyle and Mmmmauricio were being all affectionate and Taylor and Russell just stared at them like they were the two headed monster from Willow (if you haven’t seen Willow, go rent it: vintage Val Kilmer). 
“The seaweed is always greener in somebody else's lake, You dream about going up there but that is a big mistake”
Meanwhile at the Vandermanseeon, Pandora joins Lisa in getting ready for the ball, I mean engagement ball.  I cannot take Pandora seriously now after I heard from a reputable source that she’s faking the accent.  Lisa is running all around her pink bathroom in her pink bathrobe, “Where is Max?  Where is Max?  Max is part of this family too, he better not be out having a good time or with his girlfriend, he coming to thing whether he likes it or not!”  Calm down Pinky.  When poor Max finally does come in it’s, “Why are you wearing a backpack?  You smell bad!”  Can this poor kid catch a break?  Meanwhile, the golden child tried on her dress and woozie mazoowzie- BUBBIES!!!  Oh hey bubbies, congrats on your engagement to that lovely young gay gentleman bubbies, your dress makes me want to buy a motorboat bubbies, can I get your some champagne for your bubbies???  I also heard from a reputable source (who attended the wedding at the Vanderpumps, I know I know, I hope you’re sitting down) that Lisa has self-portraits all over the house of her topless.  And it made things a bit awkward.  So like mother like daughter I guess.  Anywhoo, Lisa decides to give her clear favorite her special engagement gift before the party.  The family, and that pesky Max, all sit down on the couch in one of twelve living rooms for the giving of the gifts.  Lisa had turned a diamond bracelet that Ken gave her into a unsurprisingly pink heart necklace with an inscription which was actually quite lovely that read “Always Remember One Thing” because Lisa would say to Pandora  -I MEAN- both her children “Always remember one thing: Mummy loves you.”  Ok I have to admit, that kind of melted my plastic little heart.
Sidenote:  What is Jason’s deal?  Is he an android?  He constantly sounds like he’s reading from a script, for the first time.  Plus he’s just kind of a pussy, no?
“Out of the sea, wish I could be, part of your world”
The moment we’ve all been waiting for!  The gem of the episode, the coup de gras if you will.  Mohammad’s vast entrance to his mighty city is guarded by two belly dancers holding very large boa constrictors, a butler/doorman of sorts, and a biggest camel I’ve ever seen (on TV).  Lisa’s limo arrives carrying the fam, and Lisa oohs and ahhs excitedly at the grandeur of it all.  Mohammad and his girlfriend who I’m pretty sure is a robot but let’s be honest, who doesn’t want a robot like that, greet their guests with the air of real money.  Actual money, not Dana money.  Old money, even though I don’t believe he’s actually from old money.
Camille arrives, and here’s something I absolutely luuurve about Camille.  She has this way of just always looking exhausted, am I right?  Like, she just ran a marathon but still has perfect hair, make-up and wardrobe.  She like, “*sigh* This is just goooooorgeous Lisa wow *sigh* oh my a camel *sigh*” and you’re like, “Wow that lady looks good for how damn exhausted she is.  I luuuurve it, and I’m stealing it.  *sigh* “Ohhhhh a camel, let me rest my head upon your nose for a moment, I’m just so tired” *sigh*   
Taylor’s next and of course she’s afraid of snakes.  Snakes and life.
Obviously the best part of the whole shenanigans was when Mohammad’s girlfriend, Dream Angel, and Camille walked out to the pool and the cray mermaid was literally flopping around out of the water.  Mermaid Lady!!  There is a REASON that mermaids live IN the water, you are going to shatter your hip bones you nut!  And all the while chanting, “I’m a mermaid, I’m a mermaid” how weird is that??  I don’t go around chanting “I’m a Barbie, I’m a Barbie” and you all don’t run around saying, “I’m a normal person, I’m a normal person.”  It was cray, and I dedicate this blog to her.
Camille, who is quickly becoming my new favorite, actually says, “Wow, she’s really flapping around out there.”  I LOL’ed.
Of course there was an awkward exchange between Lisa and Taylor, Lisa not actually wanting her to come and all, where Lisa asked in her faux-concerned voice, “How arh you doing dahling,” and Taylor says, “I’m good.  I’m reeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeally good.”  Now we’re convinced.
There was also an awesome moment between the men-folk where Mmmmmauricio asks if Paul is nervous and when Paul asks why Mmmmmauricio says, “Because you’re not wearing a tie.”  Oh you.
Ok so next thing I know the mermaid is sliding down the staircase and Kyle is doing the splits with a side of fish lips.  Kyle hates attention you guys, she just loathes it really.  I wonder what she would say if Brandi joined the hired dancers, got up on a table and lifted her leg all the way up to her ear….in a dress…
And then Taylor got hammered off of one glass of wine because she weighs the same as a large mosquito and showed her boom boom to everyone in the room.  It’s fine, she’s so skinny no one could tell what it actually was (too bitchy?).  Did I have one too many martinis or was it explicit enough that Bravo had to fuzz it out??  I feel like I remember that they did…
“And you don’t know why you’re just dying to try you gotta kiss the girl”
Enough of that nonsense, onto the good part!  The reveal!  The crème de la crème of RH scenes!  In an act that even we weren’t expecting, Kim chose a suitor who closely resembles Spike from “The Land Before Time”.  Seriously, were any of you expecting to see what you saw when the camera circled around to his front?  I mean bless his heart.  Regardless of his mug, there is no sensible reason why a grown woman would hide the man she was dating from EVERYONE she knew for an entire year.  What’s this guy’s story?  Is he her drug dealer/inhalant provider turned lover?  Is he a convicted felon who all the time only wanted to be luuuurved??  Hmmm, I have no idea why Kim doesn’t think Kyle would approve of this affair…can you imagine?  I seriously cannot wait for them to show that.  And they met at the mailbox?  You can’t write this shit folks, you can’t!  And his name is Ken!  Another Ken, it’s brilliant.
Next week we have Kim wanting a facelift, to keep up with her prince charming obvi, Camille has a non-violent psychic dinner to make up for last season’s atrocity, and maybe JUST MAYBE Kim reveals her secret (Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!).
Until next week Friends…