Wednesday, November 16, 2011

Tragic Taylor and the Tea Time Tussle

The second part of this episode knocked my little plastic pumps off.  Oh the revelations!  With emotions running high we finally get what we were waiting for since the season began, and that my friends is a desperate woman who is unable to make recognizable facial expressions and can barely get her lips to make words dramatically sobbing the line “If you can’t be my friend, then please don’t be my enemy.”  I can still feel the drama running through my veins like bitchy tar heroin.  Let’s get started…
We open where we left off which is at Kim’s ranch out in the middle of fucking nowhere according to Kyle, far far far away from civilization and most importantly her family.  After revealing her secret to Kyle that she’s been seeing a man for a year, Kim says, “And guess what, he’s here and I want you to meet him!”  Kyle tries to hide her tears behind ginormous sunglasses ($25,000, didja know?) but to no avail.  She walks into the house and, against everything she believes in, is introduced to Spike the Boyfriend and Handyman Jim (Spike the Boyfriend’s friend and handyman).  Kyle literally cannot even pretend to be a nice person.  When she is introduced to the poor guy she looks like she’s getting an enema while eating a lemon, and still crying by the way.  The first thing she asks is not “What do you do?” or “Are you originally from LA?” but instead, “Is that a wedding band?”  Yep, Spike is sporting a wedding band looking ring and Kyle’s inner negativity radar starts sounding the alarm.  Her eyes get big and rolly and her tongue gets sharp as Lorena Bobbit’s knife collection.  But Spike has a reasonable explanation for this band.  Little Foot gave it to him when Sarah, Ducky and Petri were out trying to find Tree Stars to eat so that the great…ok sorry, I couldn’t resist another Land Before Time reference.  Actually Kim gave it to him as a “promise ring”.  Yeah, no I swear.  What’s that you ask?  Oh, they’re in their late forties/early fifties.  Why are they exchanging promise rings like a couple of love-struck thirteen year olds?  That I do not know.  Maybe they’re promising to retire together in ten years.  Maybe they’re promising not to use the housekeeper as a therapist anymore, or maybe it’s a promise to actually escape to witch mountain.  I know it’s not a promise to stay a virgin until they move in together because they both have a litter of kids.  I really have no idea why a grown woman would give a grown man a promise ring but who am I, right?  Just an iconic doll that’s been popular for over fifty years and has held upwards of two thousand high paying jobs I suppose…
Let’s take a break from this weird family dynamic and talk about Paul Nassif’s birthday dinner.  Oh those two.  They just luuuurve to bicker, don’t they?  You guys know I dig Adrienne, but listening to her order food could be equated in many cultures to water boarding.  She doesn’t like anything.  She doesn’t like turkey or potatoes, shrimp or French fries, roast beef or macaroni and cheese.  She only likes cappuccinos and milkshakes.  Camille-Jebus Paul, you should know this by now, especially if I do.  They chat a bit around the bickering about feeling bad for Taylor who is beyond a hot mess at this point.  Mostly they just set up what’s coming later on.  And bicker.
Next we have Kyle and Mmmmmauricio talking about Kim’s love life which is totes their business.  Kyle keeps saying through whispy tears, “I know it’s her life, I know it’s her life.  It’s not my business,” but then she just keeps on a’gettin’in it.  I have a theory you guys, pull up a chair.  I think that Mama Richards was like the Kris Kardashian of the 1960’s.  Between Kim’s alcoholism, her comments about having to “work to support the entire family” throughout her childhood, the fact that all three girls went into acting as children, and also the fact that their family dynamics are totally loco all lead me to this theory.  Factor in Mama Richards attempt to control them from the grave (leaving her homes to all three of them equally…oh please, like that’s gonna work out) and that everything they do or say has something to do with whether or not the matriarch of the family would approve.  I think we have ourselves a bona fide “No more wire hangers” situation. 
To add to my theory, Kyle tells the camera that when she doesn’t like someone she just doesn’t acknowledge them which she learned from mommy dearest.  Or you could just pretend and be cordial Kyle, I don’t know, don’t get too crazy.
Wounded animal Taylor has been nominated for some sort of award and has invited all the ladies to attend the luncheon at which she is being honored.  Well, all but one that is.  Yes, Taylor invited everyone but Lisa because Lisa’s back-handed compliments stab Taylor’s self esteem (just kidding, she has none) like a thousand arrows through her broken, pitiful little heart.  Lisa phoned Kyle while she was looking for the others so Kyle inadvertently spilled the beans about Lisa’s lack of invite.  Lisa is not happy, Kyle is once again ruining happy moments, and Taylor doesn’t win the award.
Adrienne says that Taylor is being “passive aggressive” by not inviting Lisa to the event.  Actually Adrienne, I’m pretty sure that’s just plain old aggressive. 
Ahhhhh the tea party.  Lisa decided to invite everyone including Taylor to her home for tea the next day (now that’s passive aggressive) and all the ladies show.  It looks like Divine overdosed on Pepto Bismol and then exploded in Lisa’s home.  I mean you all know I am the color pink’s number one fan but this woman really takes it to another level.  The ladies settle in and at first it’s all la dee da, but then Lisa says, “So Taylor, why didn’t you invite me to your luncheon?  I was actually really hurt by that,” and Taylor’s like, “STOP SAYING YOUR NOT MY FRIEND!”
Ok. Ok ok ok.  First of all, there is a HUGE difference between saying “I’m not masquerading as your best friend” and “I’m not your friend.”  There also happens to be a difference between saying that once and saying it before every sentence.  Taylor is pulling a ‘cray betch’ just like Camille did last season.  When you’re going through a rough time and you are feeling insecure and basically completely losing your shit, you may have a tendency to interpret things differently than their true meaning.  Bottom line: Give it up Taylor, you are too insecure and emotionally unstable to be friends with a Brit.
Taylor goes “Oklahoma on her ass” and starts throwing around accusations of shit talking by the other ladies and they’re all like, woah.  Hold the phone Country Love.  There is a strong difference between venting to one friend about another and “shit-talking’.  Taylor busts out with her argument that Lisa’s ego has become bigger than Dolly Parton’s cup size.  She puts Kyle on the spot and Kyle has to sheepishly admit she’s made maybe a comment or two about Lisa’s ego growth.  Taylor’s specific example is SUCH a gem. 
“Lisa, you’re your own screen saver on your iPad!” 
a.       I see absolutely nothing wrong with this.
b.      I am my own screensaver on every piece of technology I own.
Lisa shows us the picture on her iPad of her in black lingerie holding Giggy and I just lapped it up like a kitten does a bowl of full fat milk. 
Taylor won’t let it go.  She’s bound and determined to get this all out in the open.  All the other ladies are bound and determined NOT to go there, and slowly curl into the fetal position right there on Lisa’s pink couch.  Lisa tried to defend herself saying that she has only ever been concerned and what she meant was not that Taylor wasn’t her friend but just that as they were not close and, despite that, she was there if Taylor needed help.  She even apologized.  Oh Taylor would not take that, no she wouldn’t. 
“I’ve been kissing your ass this whole time and I only ever wanted to be your friend!”
At this point, we’re all starting to wonder if Taylor is going to get all Beaver Creek on us, crawl into a suitcase and start baby-talking nonsense phrases.  Lisa tries to apologize again, but mostly you can tell she’s totally confused as to why Taylor is reacting this way.
“This is breaking my heart, I can’t live like this!” Taylor cries.
Then get off the reality show Cray!  WTF??  Why did this woman think this was going to turn out well?  Evidently they don’t do the psychiatric evaluations on these cast members like they do on The Bachelor, not that that outcome turns out any better. 
Without the support of the other women in the attack against Lisa in her own home, Taylor makes a dramatic exit declaring that the rest of the women are chicken.  Yeah, you’re the brave and strong one Taylor.  Sweet Jebus this woman is delusional.  Unfortunately for Adrienne’s husband Paul, he’s randomly standing at the entrance gate and runs into Taylor.  Apparently the gate doesn’t open for just anyone and she’s stuck inside while Paul is stuck outside.  Through the gate, Taylor unleashes on Paul a whirlwind of cray trying to explain what just went on.  Taylor, you obviously have no clue what goes on in a man’s head.  Men cannot comprehend drama, they just don’t get it.  I’m talking only about straight men here, obvi.  So while Taylor is spilling her heart through the gate, Paul is hearing the Charlie Brown teacher voice and wondering why Taylor’s fillers look like someone punched her in the face (too soon?). 
After Paul massages Taylor’s botched face trying to get the nubbins out, Taylor comes back to Lisa’s to tell Adrienne to call Paul.  THIS BITCH IS SO CRAY!  Taylor, you NEVER return to the scene of the crime!  Well, she learned her lesson because here’s what happened next…
While Taylor was laying it all on Paul at the gate, the other women started talking about how this whole Lisa thing was just smoke and mirrors to hide what’s really going on with Taylor.  Taylor had told all the women individually that Russell was actually physically abusing her, but then her actions would tell a different story.  She told Camille that he was leaving her or she was leaving him and right afterwards told her she was getting on a G4 with him with that signature fake giant smile on her filler canvas.
It was a G4, but was it like a G6?...Couldn’t resist.

The giggy is up.  The women confront Taylor about her mixed messages and the secrets they’ve been keeping to protect her.  Taylor pretty much keeps quiet as they tell her how they’re feeling about what’s going on with her.  As she tries to deflect from the major issues at hand, Camille loses it.  Clearly out of frustration Camille exclaims,
“We’ve all been protecting YOU because we don’t say that he hits you!  But we’re saying it now!”  And Taylor’s jaw drops (watch out belowwww!) and our jaws drop, and Kyle’s face falls in her hands, and Adrienne makes a run for the gate but the gate doesn’t open…
Actually they all sit there stunned and we don’t get to see the end of this mess until next week’s episode.  Also next week, something happens with a Planet Hollywood that Adrienne’s not happy about and Taylor wants Camille to shovel shit at Kennedy’s Ranch Time birthday party (this one only cost $40,000) for outing her as a battered wife.  Also, if you had told me this time last season that Camille would end up being my favorite housewife of all time, I would have told you you were bat-shit cray.
Until next week friends…

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