Wednesday, November 9, 2011

Suctions, Psychics, and Shockers

If you were like me this past Monday, you kept waiting and waiting and drinking and waiting for something to go horrifically wrong in this week’s episode, given that we knew Kyle was throwing another psychic dinner party.  But alas, tragedy never struck, weaves were left in place, and no one was on meth.  Disappointing?  Yes.  A lead-in episode?  Likely.  So will we have more to talk about next week? Almost certainly.  But let’s get started anyway, shall we?
This week opened with -SURPRISE!- a plastic surgery party!!  Boy if I had a dollar for every time one of these broads got their faces injected with poison (not judging) on national television I would have enough money to throw lavish plastic surgery parties myself, and don’t think I wouldn’t.  They don’t call me plastic for nothing my friends.
Lisa is flawless and needs nothing done a’tohl, obvi. 
Kyle’s got a muffin top, a little junk in her bunk if you will, so she’s gonna get that shit rubbed out.  It really works you guys!  You rub the fat, well you pay someone $3,000 to rub it with a laser, then the fat is forced out of the cells in which it lives (poor homeless fat) and then you have to actually exercise (the horror!) and drink a lot of water, AND THEN after twelve of these treatments at $3,000 a pop and four months of exercising you actually appear skinnier!!  I know, IT’S LIKE MAGIC!  What’s even better is that Kyle says in her blog she got too busy to do the follow-up treatments so she could have just flushed that $3,000 right down the toilet and she would have had the same result.  Oh Kyle.  You cray.
Taylor skipped out on having anything done because she already looks like one of those cartoon portraits semi-homeless people draw of tourists on Fisherman’s Wharf.  JUST KIDDING, she got face fillers.
Camille couldn’t make it because Kelsey’s lawyers had just informed her that she officially married the biggest douche on the planet so she wasn’t in a pouty lip mood.  Brandi couldn’t make it because she was afraid Kyle would stab her with a needle full of Restylane and she’s still working with only one good leg.  Pam wasn’t there because no one cares.
Kim did actually show up though, late of course.  She’s never late though, except all the time.  She wanted some sort of facelift because she has the skin of a lizard from the east district of Death Valley who has been injecting vodka for the last thirty years.  During her consultation with Dr. Paul, he asks what medications she’s on.  This seems standard enough, but I know he really just wanted to know what in gawds green earth this beezy was on.  Drum roll please……Trazodone, Topamax, and Lexipro!!  MYSTERY SOLVED MY FRIENDS!!!!!
Let me educate you all on these scrips.  While on one of more depressants, one should not do anything requiring mental awareness or coordination of any kind.  One must be monitored to insure one does not become addicted to one or more of these drugs.  One must not jump on a trampoline while one is on these drugs, nor should one attend a Game Night Party while under the influence of one or more of these drugs.  Also, one may expect to experience blurry vision or what drinkers call “beer goggles” so one must take caution when looking for a mate, and one should seek a second opinion when necessary....

The ladies all congregate in the waiting room to munch on appetizers and discuss their treatments and such.  Lisa told Kyle earlier about how she received an email from Russell telling Lisa that his marriage with Taylor was all rainbows and puppy dogs and gee, isn’t it wonderful?  Of course Lisa has no clue why he’s emailing her with this, so when Taylor comes in she asks her.  Taylor gets all flustered (she was already irritated because Lisa tried to make her eat again, damn her) and says she’s late so she can’t discuss it and, why don’t you ask Russell yourself?!?  Hmmm… I seem to remember Lisa making the same point to Taylor in a limo while traveling through snowy banks and being questioned about her husband Ken’s thoughts on therapy being only for the weak….but I could be wrong (I’m not).
Anywhoo, Taylor slides out, right under the door because she can fit through the crack and doesn't have the strength needed to open it.  Kyle asks Kim if she’s attending the séance she’s holding at her home for the ladies (ANOTHER PSYCHIC DINNER PARTY DUN DUN DUNNNNNNNNNN).  Kim first says she can’t because she’s busy, then she’s too scared of the ghosts because she has too many around her all the time trying to drink her wine and steal her pillows, then it’s because it’s against her religion.  Kyle lets us in on the secret that Kim’s only religion is downers so we’re all pretty sure she’s got plans to do the hibbity bibbity with Spike that night and THAT’S the real reason she can’t make it.
Lisa does an award-winning impression of Kim.  Seriously, she should take home an Emmy.
Ohhhh also, Lisa tried to say that Camille isn’t friends with Taylor but Kyle’s like, “Yes they are,” and it’s random but you need to know for next week so I included it here.  You’re welcome.
We end this soiree with Kim getting cray painful injections all up and down her face, her eyes positioned permanently open, and a padded lip bra.  Kyle shhhhes her while she’s getting this done (You know who needs to seriously shut the fuck up??  YOU KYLE!) and Adrienne tells Paul how to do his job.  Where was she when he was making phone calls to Marky Mark during a facelift?...
Kyle invites Brandi to the séance while painting her daughter’s toe nails.  Good for you extending the olive branch Kyle.  You go Glenn Coco.  Taylor arrives to Kyle’s house early so she can talk shit about Lisa.  Apparently Lisa is “going around town” telling “everyone” that Taylor doesn’t have any “friends”.   If you are confused allow me to translate:  “Everyone” means the cast of this show, “around town” means in the waiting room at Paul Nassif’s office, and “friends” means Camille.  Taylor, we all want to feel sorry for you but you make it so hard.  Then Taylor says this which is just so yummy I want to wrap it in a slice of bacon and serve it as an hors d'oeuvre at my next plastic surgery party:
“This insult really hurts me because I really do have friends!”
Sweet Lips, if you really did have friends then this insult WOULD NOT HURT YOU.  Cray.
Yayyyy the new psychic is here!  Doesn’t this psychic have way more maternal psychicness about her than last season’s Looney Town psychic?  She even had the little meter thingy that detects ghost presence, unlike Allison Dubois who used her faux cigarette to detect bitch presence.  Beep. Beep. Beep beep beep beep beep beeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep.
Commercial break blurp:  Kim’s housekeepers have the WORST job on the planet.
The séance party begins!  Guess who is making the appetizers…it’s everyone’s favorite grumpy old chef Bernie!!!  He’s still making under his breath comments about Lisa, thank gawd.  Oh Bernie.  Always crying in his crème fraiche, our Bernie.  We start by gathering around the candle-lit table which is just so cliché.  Who decided that ghosts are attracted to candles??  If I were a ghost I would be attracted to mini corn dogs, like the ones the Schwann man delivers.  When I die, if you need to get a hold of me, just deep fry a dozen mini corndogs and a platter of pigs in a blanket.  I will haunt your ass all day.
Some of the ladies had relatives visit them.  Adrienne’s dad came out to say hello.  Lisa’s grandmother told her she really made her last twenty years by letting her stay in the manseeon and also that her poor granny tried to get a hold of her during the Dinner Party from Hell but that Devil Psychic wouldn’t let her get a word in edgewise.  Brandi had some angels around her protecting her from the Richards sisters, and Kyle was Kim’s mom in a past life, duh.  The two best readings were for Taylor and Camille but for very different reasons.  Camille’s grandparents, bless their hearts, wanted to tell Camille to rejoice in her divorce and that a hot Greek guy is headed her direction and he “swings the right way”.  Bravo Camille! 

Taylor’s was good because it was straight-up the truth which is that her marriage has dark spots, very dark spots, in fact the whole gawddamn thing is dark as hell.  And her husband is obsessed with money.  And he beats her.  And that he might be in the mafia.
Onto to the Richards Sisters Saga: Volume 102.  Kim invites Kyle over so she can tell her something important.  Of course Kyle is cray frazzled because she always thinks the worst.  She comes in demanding, “What is it?  What are you going to tell me??  WHAT IS IT?!?!?!” and Kim’s like, “K-Dawg, have a Lexipro and chill the hell out.”  On the balcony Kim finally purges her secret.
“I’m in love with a guy I met at the mailbox who looks just like Spike from “The Land Before Time” and I’m moving in with him and I’m happy!”
Kyle’s like, “Is it the guy you brought to Paris’s premiere?”  Do you feel better now that you got to say that Kyle?  Then Bravo shows us a picture of Spike and Kim together at Paris’s premiere (PREMIERE OF WHAT EXACTLY?? “Night Two in Paris”?) and we all go, “Yup yup yup, that’s him.”  And then Kyle bursts into tears (haha).
Poor Kim, honestly you guys, here she is almost lucid and seems genuinely happy and Kyle will not take happy for an answer!  She’s like, “I just don’t believe you’re happy.  I just don’t believe you’re happy,” and Kim’s like, “I’m happy!  I’m happy!” and Kyle’s like, “Mmmm no, I don’t think you are.”  Kyle doesn’t understand why Kim would keep a secret for a year about something that makes her happy.  I mean, I have no idea why she wouldn’t want to tell you Kyle, look at your reaction.  Tears of sorrow and insistent diminishing of Kim’s own feelings should make Kim feel VERY comfortable telling you stuff!  Kyle says, “We don’t even know him!” 
Dear Kyle,
In the real world, many adults have year-long relationships without introducing their significant other to their family.  Many people wait longer than that, and many never introduce them at all!  Some do it after three months, some after three years even, but the world goes ‘round and ‘round Kyle, it really does.  Please feel free to contact me with any other questions you may have about how the real world works.
Yours Truly,
Barbie Ken
Ok next week looks much more eventful.  Kyle meets Spike and has to explain why she’s crying at the news that he’s dating her sister, and Taylor confronts Lisa on the playground during second recess about her talking crap behind her back.
Until next week my luuuuurves…

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