OK friends, so I had sooo much fun with Skipper watching Monday night’s episode that I neglected my note-taking. As they say, gawd is in the details so forgive me if this blog isn’t as in-depth as usual, but it is a holiday week so I’m hoping everyone will forgive me. I’ll do my very best to bring you all the vapid details I can recall. Let’s get started…
We are instantly back in Lisa’s pink puff fluff room for Part Two of the Tea Party that went terribly wrong. It was more like the Boston Tea Party than your traditional English high tea. Camille reiterates her point that Taylor is the one who needs to be honest with herself, and until then should not demand honesty from the others. She does what is rare in Housewives history; she makes her point and then leaves. It is a dramatic exit, but a graceful one I thought. Gawddammit I luuurve Camille this season you guys, seriously.
Left stunned on the couch are Lisa, Taylor, and Kyle. Lisa realizes all of a sudden that Taylor has wayyyy worse problems than being insecure about her relationship with Lisa and decides to drop the animosity and the doubts she has and just start anew. Taylor is like the new girl in junior high trying to squeeze her way into the popular group though she in no way fits in. Lisa is the head of the group, the leader of the pack, and is seemingly naïve to the fact that they all clamor to be liked by her, though we all know she is aware. Up until this point she’s had no patience for the false splendor, the inconsistencies that Taylor presents. But now that she has succumb to the stories, whether they be real or not and which we find later are in fact truth, and Taylor immediately drops the hard feelings and embraces Lisa’s newfound friendship. It’s really fascinating the way Taylor is quite child-like in her need to feel wanted and accepted. Taylor actually has Lisa “pinky-promise” that they are now friends. Nothing has changed, and yet everything has changed. Kyle and the rest of us are left sitting on our prospective couches with our heads tilted in a questioning puppy-dog fashion thinking, “Wait, what in the hell just happened?”
Camille, Adrienne, and Kyle all have a lunch together to rehash what went on at the Tea Party. Camille has apparently apologized numerous times to Taylor and she has not responded. Adrienne and Kyle agree that what Camille said was not wrong, and it wasn’t!! Here’s my thing you guys: If you are in an abusive relationship and living with a person who physically assaults you in the same home that your five year old resides in, then just WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING ON A REALITY SHOW?!?!?!?!?! No, seriously. Get your kid and yourself someplace safe. Quit it with the botox and the lip plumping and the Vuitton shopping and the G-4 riding and the limo-taking and the gawddamn day drinking and GET THE FUCK OUTTA THERE!!! I just don’t get it you guys.
OK sorry for the rant. Bravo’s not quite done with the rehashing of the tea saga so next we have Kyle in her kitchen when who comes in but the morally corrupt Faye Resnick. Did anyone else notice that now when Faye Resnick comes on screen (how badly does this woman wish she was one of the housewives, my gawd) the little title thingy at the bottom left corner of the screen says:
Faye Resnick
Kyle’s Friend/Designer
Friend/Designer, I luuuurve it.
Portia
Kyle’s child/pre-schooler
Becky
Taylor’s Cake maker/Knitting Enthusiast
Jaime
Table & Chair Extraordinaire/Hide and Seek Title holder 2002
Ok I’m done.
Anywhoo, Faye comes in with samples or some shit and Kyle is in her kitchen just waiting to gab. In comes Mmmmmauricio of course. Does it seem to anyone else like Kyle is constantly throwing Mmmmmauricio in people’s faces??? I mean, the guy is always around during these bitchfests, does he not work? So Kyle’s like, “ohhhhhh my gawwwwd Faye I have to tell you about this scene we filmed,” and Faye’s all, “Ok but hurry up because this house needs color!!!” We get it Faye, you’re a serious Interior Designer/Kyle’s Friend/Playboy Model/Scarf Wearer. So Kyle tells the story AGAIN, and Mmmmmauricio and Faye are all like, “hmmmm mmmm hmmmm,” and that’s about it. Oh yeah, Faye knows a thing or two about domestic abuse, because, and I don’t know if you know this or not, Faye was really good friends with Nicole Brown Simpson. I just luuuurve that all these middle-aged women are coming out of the woodwork (AHEMMMMMM Kris Jenner you filthy fame-whore) to talk about how they were just such good friends with Nicole Brown Simpson and knew all of these ways they could have saved her but for one reason or another did not. All of you should really take a deep breath in and then shut the fuck up because no one ever came forward about her abuse until the poor woman had about thirty or so stab wounds. And Kris Jenner, your husband was O.J.’s defense attorney so REALLY?!?! Satan called, he’d like his job back.
Does this blog sound angry? I just have this thing about the exploitation of domestic abuse victims, whether someone else is doing the exploiting or they are doing it themselves…
Onto the party! Since for Kennedy’s fourth birthday Taylor threw a $60,000 party that Kennedy loathed, Taylor decided to scale back (you know, given the bankruptcy and the multiple lawsuits) and threw a $40,000 birthday party this year instead. You know, scaling down, the economy in the shitter and all. So this year we have a Carnival Rodeo Circus complete with purple magician, has-been alcoholic performer who no one knows, pony rides and a mechanical bull. I don’t have children (duh) but I’m pretty sure mechanical bulls have no place at a kids birthday party. Oh it was actually a party to impress adults? Go tit (that’s my favorite typo so I’m leaving it, but that’s meant to say “Got it”).
Taylor arrives for the set-up with nipples standing at full attention. She makes her rounds to ensure everything is going smoothly. It’s not. Nothing is set up really so she’s running around yelling at people. In walks Dana looking a hot mess as per the usge declaring, “Look at me in my cowboy gear!” which consists of her signature shorts, a silk brown top that looks in no way western, baby blue cowboy boots and a cowboy hat. This woman needs a stylist worse than Courtney Love. Taylor’s all, “Ohhh my party planner, thanks for showing up!” in her best sarcasm. Dana shakes it off and starts unfolding tables like a trooper. The table guy reveals that he only has the adults tables and no children’s tables and Taylor’s nipples must fight off a nervous breakdown, their second this season. Someone tells her that a man named Jaime has the kid tables so Taylor proceeds to run around the trucks yelling “Himee! Are you Himee??? Is he Himee?!?!?! Which one of you is Himee??? I NEED HIMEEEEEE!” and then Jaime, against everything his intuition tells him, reveals himself. Taylor’s nipples literally jump on Jaime in excitement and relief, scaring the poor man and giving him the courage to finally demand that raise he so deserves.
Guests start arriving. Kyle and her brood of course, Adrienne and Paul, Kim sans Spike, OH SHIT THAT REMINDS ME!!!
There was a random scene with Kim moving her stuff into Spike’s weird cave made of stone and rock (obvi since he’s a dinosaur) and she wanted to mount this fugly thing that I could only presume was a brass sculpture tribute to the Golden Gate Bridge. Spike didn’t like the idea because even dinosaurs have better taste than Kim. Kim wouldn’t budge though, nope nope nope. She says she’s an Arabian horse that cannot be tamed. A horse and a dino, what a pair, bless their hearts. Spike ends up liking the horrible sculpture placement. These two are precious.
Back to the partay. Brandi comes even though she doesn’t have the boys that weekend. She tries to make nice with Kim, but Kim’s not having it. She was in the middle of a story about Disney horses and unicorn fantasies with kiss-ass Dana and Brandi came up and had the nerve to say hi. Kim just flat-out ignored her. Dana also pretty much ignored her which was…I guess not surprising. Brandi quickly forfeited and hobbled away after which Dana’s smoker’s voice said, “Awwwkwward,” which made it even more awkward.
La la la, party party party. Oh yeah, Ace Somebody from some TV show was there because, I don’t know why. Apparently some other dude who no one knows is Dana’s future stepson and he sings with this other guy. Anyway, other guy was flirting with Taylor and sweet Jebus, it was as if no one had ever flirted with her before. She was all over it. She said, “I have to get out of here *excessive laughter* before I….” and other dude was all, “Eat me up??” Ohhhh so that’s how it is other dude. Yeah, other dude knows what he’s doing…*wink wink, nudge nudge, nubbin rub*
Russell was there of course. I always feel skeezy for watching when he’s on screen. He wanted to bring his present in (he made the same case last year when he bought her a puppy they had to take away because it almost killed the child). This year it was a horse, obvi. Dana made a stink because she wanted her cousin step-uncle to have the air-time with his sing-song but Russell snapped at her and she backed off. He brings in the horse, Kennedy is her anti-social self, and Taylor’s ooohing and aaahing with other dude. Finally it’s time for Kennedy’s song. I don’t know, I mean, couldn’t we all write a song for a five-year old?
“She’s got eyes that open and close, she likes to color, she has highs and lows, but mostly she just needs a nap….la de da dee daaa….”
The best part was that other dude was up there on stage (did Dana’s twice removed step-uncle cousin ever even sing???) and he was waving around a gin and tonic like it wasn’t a five-year olds birthday party. I think if he’d had his way he would have been jumping out of a cake wearing nothing but a smile. Just as I was thinking that, cut to Brandi laughing about how he was waving around his drink cheers-ing the audience like it was the Copacabana.
A couple other things happened….Mmmmmauricio rode the bull like a stallion and Paul Nassif rode the bull like an inbred donkey. Kyle did the splits for everyone on a table…oop! Wrong partay.
Oh yes, Lisa couldn’t attend the party because she knew it was a façade but used the excuse that her daughter needed her. She ended up picking terrible wedding invitations at $150 a pop because they were boxes and, isn’t it silly? Pandora’s box! Get it??? I could make a dirty joke here but I won’t.
I still think Pandora’s fiancée is a serial killer, just sayin’.
That’s about it friends. Next week I promise to keep it light, stay off the soap box, and be the usual shallow Bitch Barbie that you all know and luuuurve. I hope you all have a wonderful holiday, and I’ll see you here next week.
XO,
Barbs
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