Thursday, December 1, 2011

Maloof Hoof vs. Vanderpump: Shoe Fits and Bitch Fits

OK sorry I’m behind, the holidays are throwing me off.  This episode wasn’t the best but you know what that means:  Next week will be epically drama-filled!  Let’s get started on this week’s episode before I think of something I should be doing instead of this…
More of Pandora’s wedding planning.  I’m a little biased because I hate weddings, but I’m already soooooo over this.  So I’m going to skim through.  First the invites.  The 6X6 foot invitation boxes were just too much, so Lisa and “Pandi” (barf) went with the 4X4 boxes instead.  Also in lieu of red roses they went with white.  Ohhh it made the awful gawdy things so much classier!  But they are still thirty-seven kinds of ridiculous so the cat-faced wedding planner was happy.  They had a mixologist audition in their kitchen where he displayed exploding cocktails.  If I was made to wait in line for 45 minutes for a drink so everyone could watch their cocktail explode, I would explode.  Consider yourselves warned.
I’m so excited to move beyond the wedding.  Let’s talk about Adrienne.  Adrienne has always dreamed since she was just a breath of a Maloof of designing her very own shoe line.  Which means that now there is no longer one franchise of housewives left that doesn’t have at least one housewife hawking something.  She’s planning a fashion show to showcase her new line with some other designer named Kevan with an A instead of an E between V and N so he must be fancy.  The fashion show will be held in Adrienne back yard since it’s pretty much the size of Central Park and it will benefit young girls who will eventually grow up and hopefully wear Adrienne’s perfectly practical seven inch heels.  There was no sarcasm in that last sentence.
OH Sweet Oklahoma Jebus, Bravo didn’t cut the Armstrong’s therapy footage.  How awkward was this you guys?  I was actually speechless.  I was wordless!  I had to stop taking notes because I quite literally had no words.  But I’ll come up with some now.  Clearly the entire time the therapist is trying to get Russell to admit he has an anger problem that may be leading to violence.  Speaking of the therapist, did you catch that he’s actually a licensed chiropractor and not a doctor in psychology?  Something about how mind and body go hand in hand?  I don’t know.  This must be a Beverly Hills trend.  If I were being abused mentally, emotionally and possibly physically, I feel like I would want the hardcore ‘what the fuck is going on in your head’ doctor.  But I’ve never been abused so I can’t really say that.  But I was wondering it to myself in my head where I can think whatever I want.  And why would either of them agree to having their therapy sessions taped?  How awkward was their hand-holding?  Did you notice how Taylor didn’t really have an answer when the doctor responded to her statement, “Clearly we love each other,” with “Do you?” Yikes.  Knowing how the whole thing plays out made it cringe-worthy to watch to say the least.  I hope they don’t have any more of those.  I mean, my heart may be plastic but even I have to draw a line.
Back to wedding hell.  Is this going to last all season?  Moving on…
Brandi and Kyle are supposed to get pedicures with Taylor but Taylor drops out last minute leaving Frick and Frack to figure out how to play nice on their own.  I actually think one-on-one time is the only time these betches aren’t fighting for the lime light by fighting.  They seem to be getting along which is a relief because I was still reeling from the therapy session I had zero business being involved in.  Brandi must be feeling confident because she throws out a naughty little idea to Kyle, this season’s biggest prude.  Brandi wants to have a get-together at her friend’s house in Malibu and was brainstorming entertainment ideas.
“I was thinking……what if we bring in a porn star who will teach us how to give B.J.s!”
Know your audience Brandi.  It will get you far in life, trust me.  I’m level on Brandi’s playing field, but I know who to suggest BJ Lesson Parties to and who to not.  Kyle’s eyes roll all the way in back of her head, down the street and hop on the I-5 freeway to the I-10 east, all the way through Arizona and continue down the I-25 until they get stopped at customs trying to cross the border.  Even a drug-war border town in Mexico is a more desirable place to live than Kyle’s head.
Kyle, it would be best to keep in mind who your niece is when you get all “Judgy Wudgy was a Bear” on us.  Bitch please.
Alright, the fashion show set-up.  Considering Adrienne’s attention to detail at the Family Friendly BBQ she threw a few episodes ago you knew this was going to get cray.  She checked every detail, yelled at some people, played the whole “I trust you but not really” game (As Event Coordinator Barbie, I can tell you that is the WORST game clients play).  Adrienne’s event coordinator has flamboyant hair and a skeezy fake smile and his name is Shay.  Never trust anyone named Shay.  He’ll make your backyard look like Liberace ate a Zales store at Christmastime and then threw it all over your trees and bushes.  I like Adrienne as a person but, especially for a millionaire, her taste level leaves something to be desired.  Proof: Glitter extensions reside in her hair.
Next up we have yet another awkward Armstrong moment.  I’m going to say it again:  WHY DOES THIS WOMAN WANT TO BE ON TV???  OK so I thought Russell was rather supportive.  He complimented her when she came down the stairs (she seemed to purposefully react as though he’d never done that before, as if to prove her accusations of bad husbandtry to us, the viewers) and he was nice in the car ride about the fight with Camille that Taylor had over “blatant lies”.  I am willing to bet her Louboutins (not mine, obvi) that Taylor didn’t disclose to Russell that she’d told ALL the ladies on the show how he beats her when he’s mad.  Yeah, no.  Something tells me Russell got a rather edited version of the run of events.  But Taylor, ever the calm one, is not prone to getting angry.  I mean, there have only been like twelve episodes in two seasons where she’s gotten angry.  One of those caused two sisters to break up, and in another one she threatened an 80 pound, emotionally unstable woman with the words “I’m bout to go Oklahoma on your ass!”  But yeah, anger’s not Taylor’s thing. 
Finally the actual Fashion Show.  Taylor and Russell arrive and Kyle is surprised to see Russell at one of these things.  She goes all Christina Crawford on everyone and outs their asses.  She tells us that she’s unsure why Taylor’s twisted as a pretzel over Camille just saying what Taylor has been telling them all.  DUN DUN DUNNNNNNN.  This is the second time someone has openly admitted that Taylor told them Russell beats her.  Cray.
Lisa arrives with Ken, Mohammad and Giggy in tow.  Adrienne immediately gathers up Lisa and whisks her off to the confrontation hall (every Maloof has one) to confront her about the bachelorette betrayal. 
“Why you gotta let your daughter and her friends stay at another hotel in Las Vegas?”
I actually felt sorry for Lisa, she looked genuinely confused, as well she should.  She tried to sputter some stuff about how the owner of Planet Hollywood was an old family friend….
“We’re old friends!  We’re neighbors!!”  Whoa Adrienne.  Take it down a notch.
Then Lisa tried to tell her how she really had nothing to do with it, it was supposed to be a gift and she never would have felt comfortable asking for such a favor.  Then we get the real beef behind the beef:
“Well, yes you would,” snips Adrienne, “Remember when you asked us to carry your wine?”
Ohhhh no. she. did’ent.
So Lisa was just like, “Sorry Dahhling, I had no idea but next time I will come to you.”  As they walked away though, each threw tiny insults over their shoulders like salt for good luck.  And I’m pretty sure this whole wine scandal is sitting on Bravo’s editing room floor.

Taylor was hoping not to run into Camille because of the anger she doesn’t have, but run into her she did.  And outside the ladies room of all places.  The ladies room is like the watering hole for animals in Africa: off limits to fighting/eating each other because there’s a mutual understanding that you need to be there in order to survive.  Taylor looked as though she wanted to disappear into the wall, but even as thin as she is, she just could not.  She did some funny twirls though before realizing there was no place to go.  Camille was the picture of elegance, acting as though nothing at all was wrong between them, and dancing away with an effortless ease that you know just ate at Taylor’s non-angry core.  Taylor said ominously, “We’ll talk.  Later…” but Camille was already half way up the staircase waving like a 1950’s beauty queen.
Ok now the Fashion Show, I know I keep saying that.  The CEO of the charity Adrienne’s show is helping is apparently Adrienne’s biggest fan.  Kiss Ass McGee gave a great motivational speech to Adrienne right after our favorite Maloof threatened the lives of the help if they confused her about which side she would be accepting champagne from.  That’s what I call in my world a “fancy problem”. 

“Frederick!  Which fucking side will I be accepting the fucking champagne for the fucking toast from?!?  WHICH SIDE?!?!  Don’t tell me the right side and then the left side!!  TELL ME WHICH SIDE!!!!!!!!”
The fashion show starts and it’s exactly like any other fashion show held in a giant backyard.  Light! Dark! Music! Models! Ooh! Ahh!  The women bitched that you couldn’t see the shoes the models were wearing because they were sporting long gowns but so what?  Who cayes?  Are you really here for the shoes that Adrienne could show you anytime at any of the millions of luncheons ya’ll have or for the camera time?  Dana was there for the camera time.  What a waste of time for Dana.
Lisa says to the camera that the Vanderpump could kick the Maloof Hoof’s ass so I’m guessing she’s never seen the Maloof Hoof in a boxing session because she would keep her bloody mouth shut if she had.  Also, as fabulously pumpy as you knows Vanderpumps are or would be, Lisa’s tasteful four inch would stand no chance against Adrienne’s seven inchers with the sharp-ended studs on the heel.  Ouch.
Well that pretty much does it folks.  Next week someone on this show is a narcissist (close your eyes and point at the screen- you’re right) and Kyle is doing the splits at a party again.  Kyle and Brandi get into a straight-up cat fight with full-on slapping of the slaps and titting of the tats.  Oh yeah, and Taylor Armstrong has yet ANOTHER breakdown.
Can’t wait, see you next week my lovelies!

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