Tuesday, December 20, 2011
It’s Her White Party and She’ll Cry if She Wants To
This episode was a doozy. I thought I was going to need a valium about halfway through. I haven’t felt like that since Part Two of Game Night. There’s lots to cover so let’s get started…
We open with Adrienne and Paul in the study. Paul doesn’t know how to send a fax because no one has done it since 1999. Adrienne brings the news to Paul that she just got off the phone with a very distraught Camille who told her that Russell sent her a threatening email saying he intended to sue her if she opened her mouth about the Armstrong’s relationship again. Boy, Taylor has really put these ladies in a pickle this time. Adrienne tells Paul she’s worried that he’s going to threaten to sue all of them now since Taylor told them all about her physical abuse allegations. This is scary for any Maloof you see, because they have more money than Trump. Paul is upset at this and wonders: How are they all going to be at the White Party together? How are they all going to be in Hawaii together?? Adrienne must stop it and stop it she does.
Wedding wedding wedding bleck. Lisa wants a band, not a bloody orchestra. But yet here sit not a band or an orchestra, but a group really. A group that plays Spanish music…? Not really the sort of thing I would think Lisa would be into but ok. Oh actually she likes it a lot. She starts dancing with the grasshopper named Franc, and Pandy and Serial Killer Jason start swaying together as well. They’re all terrible dancers. They’re into it though. Me, not so much. Whatever, I don’t care. This is a good time to tell you all though that my friend and I think Lisa has had butt implants.
It’s White Party time so of course Kyle’s running around having minor freak outs over Fatburgers and chandeliers and lilacs and whatnot and whathaveyou. As her hairdresser uses a medieval metal curling iron on her lustrous locks (WTF? Ever heard of ceramic??), Kyle vented about her sister bringing the not-up-to-par boyfriend to her shindig. She thought that was the worst of her White Party problems, then suddenly without warning Adrienne called her to tell her the even worse news. Adrienne tells of the Russell lawsuit threat scandal and tells Kyle that her and Paul are not comfortable attending either, but will out of the kindness of their hearts, but just not if Russell and Taylor are there. PAUSE. Why is everyone freaking out that if they all attend the White Party together Russell will sue the pants off of them??? I mean, I get that they’re pissed, but if you can’t get a hold of someone before the party, should you just tell them not to talk to Camille and leave it at that? Ok I’m jumping ahead here. Let me reel it back in. Kyle decided she must inform Taylor that she can’t white out tonight. There will be no white for Taylor. Only black. Eyes. Ohhhh that was SO WRONG. Forget that joke. Unless you thought it was funny.
Cut to Kim and her daughters. Hey, it’s Kim’s cray world, we’re just living in it. So they’re having some brunch or something and discussing, what else, the White Party. Kim’s nervous to bring Spike cause he’s just such a loveable dino lug, and Kim’s daughters are wondering just why in the holiest of hells would a grown woman be wearing a promise ring that looks like an engagement ring on her ring finger. Kim, you’re not in the Mickey Mouse Club anymore alright? You can have sex. Kim’s like, “Poof woof moof, who cares. What? I like shiny when it shines and that’s my shinier hand so yeah, now pass me a croissant.” Kim’s daughter, either the one also named Kim or the other one, tells the others that last night she took two doses of NyQuil and fell asleep in the shower that morning. Kim of course totally understood this and showed no worry whatsoever. She actually held a hint of pride and a gleam in her wonk eye. Careful Kim II or other one, whichever one you were. It’s a slippery slope I tell you, just ask your mom.
Oh heyyyyyyy everyone, it’s White Party Time! Brandi and her swollen-faced friend show up. Brandi, could your body kick any more ass? Camille and D.D. arrive and Camille looks smashing. I mean, holy alimony batman. Divorce looks simply divine on this woman. Lisa arrives, Adrienne, and finally Kim walks up with Ken. Kim is seriously coked out you guys. She thought they called it a White Party for different reasons. Kim, they called it that in the eighties for that reason, now it’s because everyone wears white, get it? No? Ok. So Kim is cray cray, and she’s going on about how she may have worn too many necklaces (YESSSSSSSSSS!!! YES YOU DID!!!!!!!! IT LOOKS LIKE THEY’RE TRYING TO EAT YOU!!!!!) and then she finally introduces Spike. Kyle and Adrienne exchange awkward dinosaur hugs with Spike. Kim proves to Lisa that she’s been sick by hacking up her lung right in Lisa’s face. Charming.
Alright so Kyle takes Lisa aside and tells her of the Taylor drama that is about to ensue. Lisa’s like, “Orrr norrrr” and readily comes to Taylor’s defense. They had just seen naked men gyrating on couches together so she was feeling rather close to Taylor at this time. But yet, her feelings of fright won over her feelings of sympathy because Lisa didn’t want to be sued either! Because Russell might sue them all just for being in his presence! This is where I’m starting to feel bad for Kyle because she’s freaking out.
For the record: One thing the ladies all agree on is that Camille repeated only what Taylor had told them.
Did I mention Kim looks wasted? Kim is horsing around with Spike and Dana, oh yeah, Dana’s there. She mentioned in her blog that her dress was Chanel, in case any of you were wondering. Did Chanel also do your 1980s hairdo Dana? It was business in the front, White Party in the back. Ok so Kim in all her geetered glory starts telling Kyle she’s about to go off on Brandi if the beezy looks in her direction one more time. Which is strange because it doesn’t seem like Brandi is instigating anything, but you wouldn’t know that by listening to Kim. She’s ready to pounce like a Chihuahua on steroids. Kyle begs her not to do it at the party given all the other crap she’s dealing with but the coke drowns out Kim’s ability to hear stuff she doesn’t want to and she marches right over to the staircase. It went like this:
Kim- “You’re a disgusting slut pig and I hate you and you can take all your sorries and stuff ‘em in a sack you white trash piece of shit.”
Kim- “No you bitch, you will hear what I have to say. You’re an awful person and a bitch and you can’t call my sister a bitch because calling people a bitch is wrong you bitch.”
Kim- “We were just minding our own business and Kyle whispered ‘It’s your turn now, me lady,’ and then you called her a bitch! And we did nothing! You hear me?? NOTHING!!!”
Brandi- “I apologized and I accepted Kyle’s apology and I don’t make excuses for who I am and I say the F word a lot.”
Kim- “Oh go ahead and give yourself a hug for all the wonderful things you do you Slut Pig. Yeah, you’re an awesome person, NOT!” [insert six forceful finger wags]
Brandi- “Watch your finger, literally.” (Haha)
Then Kim says she will not watch her finger. Then Brandi says in a high pitched voice, “Are you kidding me?” and Kim mocks her, “Are you kidding me?” and we’re all wondering how in a party with 300 people this ended up happening and with two adults no less. So finally Kyle and Lisa walk over there and Kim’s like, “Oh, I am so done with her she doesn’t even exist!” and then Kim’s daughter looks at her mom like she’s cray, and Kim yells back to Brandi, “Oh and my daughter has something to say to you too!” Dear Gawd, Make me a bird, so I can fly far, far far from here.
Cut to Russell and his peacock bride getting into the limo to take them to the doomed party. Am I the only one who felt sorry for Russell here? I mean the guy’s all set to redeem himself for leaving Taylor’s ass at the party last year because he wanted to catch Law and Order: SVU, by staying the whole time this year. He says he’s going to be the last to leave!! Oh Bravo editors, you evil evil bastards. Oh, and they flew back from Vegas specifically to go to this party. And they brought Mauricio a bottle of vodka for his birthday. Ohhhh this is going to suck.
I was soooo nervous waiting for them to arrive. At the front door, a mob had developed. It was the “Turn the Armstrongs away at the door” mob. I do not understand why they needed a mob. Could it not have just been Kyle? Or if Kyle was too upset, maybe Lisa? Or Adrienne? But then it was too late. It was too late for all of them. Taylor and Russell’s limo pulled up and our hearts sank. They approached the door but were abruptly stopped by almost the entire cast of characters in this tragedy. Kyle tried to speak but only sobs came out. Adrienne tried to speak but she wasn’t making any sense. Mmmmmauricio was drunk and not sure what was going on. Lisa tried but no one could bloody understand her. It was eventually Paul who came to the rescue. He told Russell that because of his threatening email to Camille, none of them felt comfortable being around him and the best thing to do would be for them to leave. Taylor was clearly in shock. Who wouldn’t be? Russell remained eerily calm and claimed that his email was nice. Paul came back again (where did this assertive Paul come from? I like him!) and said he read the email and it was NOT nice. Whoa, called out. Russell asked, “What is the best thing for us to do then?” Uh, leave I think is what they’re saying here Bro. So then Taylor and Russell take off for the limo and Kyle, in an evening gown and sobbing, runs after them yelling “Wait! Wait!” She proceeds to climb into the limo and tell Russell that Taylor has told them all that stuff that Camille word-vomited at the Tea Party. Ummm….Whaaaaaaat? Isn’t that what we didn’t want Russell to know? How is it better to make this huge scene, kick these people out of a party they flew into town to be at, then proceed to call out the guy that you’re afraid may sue you for defamation, though up to this point you hadn’t said anything, on being a wife beater?? And in a confined space such as a limo no less? CRAY. Taylor asks that Kyle let them go, and let them go she does. She tears through the front door back into the white abyss, and the Armstrongs suffer a long and silent ride back to their dungeon.
Next week we see the conclusion of the White Party, as well as the ladies set off for Hawaii. It should be an interesting trip since Taylor calls to inform Lisa and Kyle her marriage is officially over… DUN DUN DUNNNNN.
Until next week my sweets. Have a very Merry Christmas, and I say that with no religious connotation so just enjoy it.