Thursday, November 3, 2011
Mermaids, Marky Mark and Merry Millionaires
In the spirit of that inspiring flopping mermaid performance at Mohammad’s engagement extravaganza, I will be introducing each section of my blog with song quotes from my favorite mermaid movie ever, “The Little Mermaid”. Let’s dive right in…
“I don’t know when, I don’t know how, but I know something’s starting right now”
We open with Lisa Vandercamel driving in her terrifyingly apathetic style while dialing the people of Beverly Hills to see if they will or will not be attending Pandora’s engagement party at Mohammad the Great’s manseeon. Vanderwonder is slightly irritated as “no one in Beverly Hills answers their phone” but makes a slightly self-deprecating remark that maybe they don’t answer because it’s her name on the caller ID. Kyle does pick up and chats just long enough to mock Adrienne’s use of hand soap on a chicken carcass and to inquire about the dress code for the party.
“I really don’t know dahling,” Lisa lies.
“I would assume at Mohammad’s nothing less than an evening gown would do,” coos Kyle.
Yep, evening gowns it is. Lisa, you sneaky little devil, you don’t know the dress code- Ha! My sparkly pink vanderpumps you don’t…
Next she reaches Taylor. Here’s an interesting convo. Apparently Mohammad and the late Russell Armstrong had a falling out over what one could only assume to be a business endeavor gone awry. Here’s how the conversation went (I wish I could act it out for you because it’s way better in my exaggerated fake British accent, but here’s the script version in my best written exaggerated fake British accent):
Lisa: This is raaather uaakward dahling, but becaaause Mohaaamaaad and Russell had a faawwwling out of sohrts, he is not welcome in Mohaaaamaaadland. But you told me I should ahhlways just invite you anyway so….”
Wow. Lisa cannot fake sincerity, she just can’t!
Taylor: Oh yeah! I’ll still come, I love parties with a bunch of rich people cause it makes me feel rich too even though I come from a troubled home in Texas so I’ll still come, I don’t even like that fuddy duddy Russell anyhow so it’s cool, I’ll be there!”
Lisa: Oh. Reeeally. I was not expecting you to accept… Alright Dahling, if you insist you must come then so be it. But be sure to wear an evening gown and for goooodness sakes, please get through this one night without bloody crying.”
“There you see her, sittin’ there across the way, she don’t got a lot to say but there’s something about her…”
Mmmmmmauricio’s mom FINALLY decides to get that facelift Paul told her she so desperately needed last season. Remind me never to have any surgery done by Paul Nassif. While hacking away at poor whateverhernameis’s face, Paul calls Mark Wahlberg to let him know that his lookalike dongglehopper or whateverthefuck is his anesthesiologist! Wow, could it have waited?? I mean, not to be a prude but honestly. Kyle walks into post-op to find the scariest mummified hamburglar scarface on Earth just in time for Halloween. Kyle is having a minor freak-out over the appearance of her dearest mother-in-law, while Mmmmmauricio couldn’t be more relaxed about the whole thing. I would make fun of Kyle but I too am crazy and have actually been diagnosed by a therapist as having a condition titled “Worst Case Scenario Syndrome” so I’m not going to give her a hard time, about this anyway.
“The men up there don't like a lot of blabber, they think a girl who gossips is a bore!”
Kyle and Mmmmaurico are having dinner with the ever-smiling or ever-crying Taylor and her husband who, and I hate to speak ill of the dead, has the absolute creepiest smile I have ever seen. Speaking of creepy, how awkward was this dinner you guys? Would you rather have been sitting on a bed of hot coals listening to Rascal Flatts (just because you can fake a horrid country accent doesn’t mean you are country so please get off of my Garth Brooks Pandora station you Lance Bass lookalike reject) while knitting a sweater made of porcupine needles than at this dinner?? Me too. Taylor brings to the table (Really Taylor? REALLY??) the actual tabloid magazine with the story of Taylor and Russell’s tumultuous marriage which was, according to Russell, planted by Lisa because she is friends with that particular magazine’s editor. Oh he’s convinced you guys. And you see, Russell has never squandered millions of dollars from hard-earning millionaires or beaten his wife or anything so he’s totally in a position to jump to conclusions and start regulating on some bitches. Oh and regulate he plans on doing. He tells Kyle, who he knows to be Lisa’s friend, that he is going to serve the magazine with a lawsuit so that they are forced to give up the source’s name. I don’t think Kyle got this, I think she thought he was trying to sue Lisa. No Kyle, you adorable bumpkin. Not correct. Kyle of course does not believe Lisa could do such a thing, I mean “everyone around town” knows. Well, everyone around town plus millions of viewers who tuned in to season one. The worst part was when Kyle and Mmmmauricio were being all affectionate and Taylor and Russell just stared at them like they were the two headed monster from Willow (if you haven’t seen Willow, go rent it: vintage Val Kilmer).
“The seaweed is always greener in somebody else's lake, You dream about going up there but that is a big mistake”
Meanwhile at the Vandermanseeon, Pandora joins Lisa in getting ready for the ball, I mean engagement ball. I cannot take Pandora seriously now after I heard from a reputable source that she’s faking the accent. Lisa is running all around her pink bathroom in her pink bathrobe, “Where is Max? Where is Max? Max is part of this family too, he better not be out having a good time or with his girlfriend, he coming to thing whether he likes it or not!” Calm down Pinky. When poor Max finally does come in it’s, “Why are you wearing a backpack? You smell bad!” Can this poor kid catch a break? Meanwhile, the golden child tried on her dress and woozie mazoowzie- BUBBIES!!! Oh hey bubbies, congrats on your engagement to that lovely young gay gentleman bubbies, your dress makes me want to buy a motorboat bubbies, can I get your some champagne for your bubbies??? I also heard from a reputable source (who attended the wedding at the Vanderpumps, I know I know, I hope you’re sitting down) that Lisa has self-portraits all over the house of her topless. And it made things a bit awkward. So like mother like daughter I guess. Anywhoo, Lisa decides to give her clear favorite her special engagement gift before the party. The family, and that pesky Max, all sit down on the couch in one of twelve living rooms for the giving of the gifts. Lisa had turned a diamond bracelet that Ken gave her into a unsurprisingly pink heart necklace with an inscription which was actually quite lovely that read “Always Remember One Thing” because Lisa would say to Pandora -I MEAN- both her children “Always remember one thing: Mummy loves you.” Ok I have to admit, that kind of melted my plastic little heart.
Sidenote: What is Jason’s deal? Is he an android? He constantly sounds like he’s reading from a script, for the first time. Plus he’s just kind of a pussy, no?
“Out of the sea, wish I could be, part of your world”
The moment we’ve all been waiting for! The gem of the episode, the coup de gras if you will. Mohammad’s vast entrance to his mighty city is guarded by two belly dancers holding very large boa constrictors, a butler/doorman of sorts, and a biggest camel I’ve ever seen (on TV). Lisa’s limo arrives carrying the fam, and Lisa oohs and ahhs excitedly at the grandeur of it all. Mohammad and his girlfriend who I’m pretty sure is a robot but let’s be honest, who doesn’t want a robot like that, greet their guests with the air of real money. Actual money, not Dana money. Old money, even though I don’t believe he’s actually from old money.
Camille arrives, and here’s something I absolutely luuurve about Camille. She has this way of just always looking exhausted, am I right? Like, she just ran a marathon but still has perfect hair, make-up and wardrobe. She like, “*sigh* This is just goooooorgeous Lisa wow *sigh* oh my a camel *sigh*” and you’re like, “Wow that lady looks good for how damn exhausted she is. I luuuurve it, and I’m stealing it. *sigh* “Ohhhhh a camel, let me rest my head upon your nose for a moment, I’m just so tired” *sigh*
Taylor’s next and of course she’s afraid of snakes. Snakes and life.
Obviously the best part of the whole shenanigans was when Mohammad’s girlfriend, Dream Angel, and Camille walked out to the pool and the cray mermaid was literally flopping around out of the water. Mermaid Lady!! There is a REASON that mermaids live IN the water, you are going to shatter your hip bones you nut! And all the while chanting, “I’m a mermaid, I’m a mermaid” how weird is that?? I don’t go around chanting “I’m a Barbie, I’m a Barbie” and you all don’t run around saying, “I’m a normal person, I’m a normal person.” It was cray, and I dedicate this blog to her.
Camille, who is quickly becoming my new favorite, actually says, “Wow, she’s really flapping around out there.” I LOL’ed.
Of course there was an awkward exchange between Lisa and Taylor, Lisa not actually wanting her to come and all, where Lisa asked in her faux-concerned voice, “How arh you doing dahling,” and Taylor says, “I’m good. I’m reeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeally good.” Now we’re convinced.
There was also an awesome moment between the men-folk where Mmmmmauricio asks if Paul is nervous and when Paul asks why Mmmmmauricio says, “Because you’re not wearing a tie.” Oh you.
Ok so next thing I know the mermaid is sliding down the staircase and Kyle is doing the splits with a side of fish lips. Kyle hates attention you guys, she just loathes it really. I wonder what she would say if Brandi joined the hired dancers, got up on a table and lifted her leg all the way up to her ear….in a dress…
And then Taylor got hammered off of one glass of wine because she weighs the same as a large mosquito and showed her boom boom to everyone in the room. It’s fine, she’s so skinny no one could tell what it actually was (too bitchy?). Did I have one too many martinis or was it explicit enough that Bravo had to fuzz it out?? I feel like I remember that they did…
“And you don’t know why you’re just dying to try you gotta kiss the girl”
Enough of that nonsense, onto the good part! The reveal! The crème de la crème of RH scenes! In an act that even we weren’t expecting, Kim chose a suitor who closely resembles Spike from “The Land Before Time”. Seriously, were any of you expecting to see what you saw when the camera circled around to his front? I mean bless his heart. Regardless of his mug, there is no sensible reason why a grown woman would hide the man she was dating from EVERYONE she knew for an entire year. What’s this guy’s story? Is he her drug dealer/inhalant provider turned lover? Is he a convicted felon who all the time only wanted to be luuuurved?? Hmmm, I have no idea why Kim doesn’t think Kyle would approve of this affair…can you imagine? I seriously cannot wait for them to show that. And they met at the mailbox? You can’t write this shit folks, you can’t! And his name is Ken! Another Ken, it’s brilliant.
Next week we have Kim wanting a facelift, to keep up with her prince charming obvi, Camille has a non-violent psychic dinner to make up for last season’s atrocity, and maybe JUST MAYBE Kim reveals her secret (Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!).
Until next week Friends…