Tuesday, March 19, 2013
Housewives and Hiatuses: A Message from a Fan
“You should cancel this blog cause you SUCK at updating it!!! Over you! Peace out.” - EatMyDick
Whoa there Turbo, it's just a reality TV blog, no one’s curing cancer over here, haha. Frankly I had no idea anyone cared so much but given how long you waited until you essentially told me to fuck off, I must admit I'm flattered.
I'm hoping you'll consider giving me a second (third, fourth, fifth- who's counting?) chance. The truth is I'm just so sick of writing about this show. Another lovely fan like yourself, L.T. (whose name, though less imaginative, is equally as memorable) suggested "Vanderpump Rules"as a new show for me to write about, but five minutes into that show I wanted to stab screwdrivers into my eyeballs so that wasn't going to work. Don't get me wrong, I am NOT judging- I watched every season of Bad Girls Club until this last one in Atlanta, and I have been known to quote Tanisha, so no one’s problem is worse than mine, trust me.
Anywhoo, in case there are others out there like you, EatMyDick, who didn't have the courage to step forward and essentially tell me to fuck off, I'm going to commit to finishing out this season of RHBH, and meanwhile I'll figure out what other salacious material I can be summarizing for dedicated fans like you, EatMyDick. I'm just hoping you see this before really peacing out. One can dream, right?
Now onto the show...
Remember Spike, Kim's old boyfriend who Brandi described as a "gay bull mastiff?" I think he should date Faye Resnick. She looks like an old Shar-pei who didn't get spayed in time, if you know what I mean.
Adrienne's vodka party had to be the most horrific thing I've ever seen. The creepy painted people on the platforms reminded me of those wind-blown stick guys that used car lots stick in front to attract people in, except these creepy painted people were blowing up and down in slow motion. It was the stuff of nightmares. I don’t even want to talk about the hands sticking out of the bushes holding shot glasses full of what I hope was glow in dark vodka or whatever the hell Maloof was pitching that night. Her business du jour. Meanwhile, Paul is getting painted to be a tree. In a sea of blood red, he was a welcomed reprieve.
The ladies all gather ‘round the cauldron for the obligatory shit-talking fest. Marisa starts with a “Look what I have!” about a text message sent from Brandi to her about how to save her marriage. It went something like, “I know how to save your marriage, you guys should give each other a hall pass.” Marisa was offended by this stating, “My marriage is great! My marriage doesn’t need saving!” In the background you can see everyone’s least favorite Shar-pei salivating at the thought of shit-talking Brandi. She interjects, “Well you know she would probably sleep with a married man. She had sex in Kyle’s child’s bathroom at the White Party, I know for a fact.” She knew for a fact, even though she had only heard it from someone else.
While the witches stir the brew, Lisa and Brandi get pervy massages and talk about pervy things. I’m not going to go into it.
Back at the party, leave it to my girl Yolanda to start calling people out left and right. She told Marisa she’s sure Brandi was joking, and even Kyle piped up that she didn’t believe Brandi would sleep with a married man after what she had been through. The Shar-peis stomach almost feel out of her butt when she heard that. What a moment, huh? Did you see her face?? All the wrinkles ran different directions revealing wide eyes, “DID YOU REALLY JUST SAY THAT KYLE?” Then of course Adrienne starts in with, “She’s thrown all of us under the bus, every single last one of us,” and she points her witchy finger, “You and you and you and you,” and Yolanda interrupts, “When did she throw me under the bus?” Adrienne can’t lie on the spot, we all know that. She needs time, and Radar Online, and meetings, so she just kind of lets that one die. You go Yo-Yo. YOLO.
Meanwhile, while Adrienne’s house is covered in the devil’s vomit, Lisa is covering hers in different shades of Pepto. Everyone’s favorite Beverly Hills party planner Kevin Lee (chi chi chi darling) is at Lisa’s house, preparing the estate for the upcoming house-warming/vow renewal party. Lisa makes him take his pants off to put flowers in the pool, and he just happened to be wearing cute boxer-briefs- a totally not planned moment.
In a moment shown on previews, a party dweller tells Maloof Paul has left in a fit of anger. What we didn’t know is that really Paul was up in the tree, painted and dressed like a tree. It was a funny little trick, and I think we probably all got a tiny fetus kick out of it, but not Adrienne. Adrienne lost her sense of humor way back in 1985 when she got her new nose. She tells us in her talking head interview that Paul always has to be the center of attention, and it’s really quite pathetic. He’s is so dramatic though. Remember when he evacuated their home in a quick hurry while screaming for Adrienne to get in the car even though there were firefighters everywhere and the house fire across the street was contained and they weren’t letting people on the street? Oh wait, that was Adrienne. Remember when Paul falsely accused Adrienne of abusing her kids in order to get a better custody deal for himself?? OH WAIT, that was Adrienne. Remember when Paul was pissed off at Lisa because Pandora chose to have her bachelorette party somewhere other than The Palms? OH WAIT, that was Adrienne. Remember when Paul screamed at Brandi at Mauricio’s amaaaaaaaaaaazing commercial party?? Yayyy, I got one!
Fast forward to the day of Lisa’s party. La deed ah, fiddle dee dee. Everyone gets in their prospective limos and proceeds in the obligatory discussing of fellow castmates. Kyle and Mauricio just cannot believe Paul and Adrienne announced their separation that morning, isn’t that amaaaaaaaaazing??? I mean, golly gee, they just could not have seen that coming!! The rest of us saw it coming like we could spot a meteor barreling towards Earth while standing on Mount Everest with a pair of binoculars. Brandi and Brandi’s side-kick Lips McBoobs discuss the impending doom that is Paul and Adrienne. Brandi thinks it’s a publicity stunt. I’m so sick of hearing housewives say that (you are all walking publicity stunts).
Everyone arrives and the cat fights ensue. Yolanda wants Marisa to tell her worries of Brandi possibly wanting her husband Dean to Brandi’s face. Marisa, when confronted by Yolanda’s bump-it, back-peddles on her initial “how dare you” tone on the text and downplays her discussion with the ladies about it. The conversation was not a fight, it just got a little loud when Marisa said, “I’m not saying I would cheat on my husband, I’m just saying if I saw a tall, dark man I would want to fuck him!” Hmmmm….well, Yolanda saw the same ambiguousness as we did in that comment, so she laughed and said, “WHAAAT?!?” and everyone’s least favorite Shar-pei heard that and thought she was being called. She saw that ball thrown and she chased it. Like a Shar-pei with a bone and Chlamydia, that Faye.
Brandi tells Faye to go away because the discussion doesn’t concern her, Faye tells Brandi she’s not going anywhere (she told Kyle she had to protect Marisa, good dog) and that no matter how many Chanel handbags Brandi borrows she’ll never be a “lady.” Really Faye? You want to talk about being a “lady” on TV? How about, a real “lady” doesn’t write a book about her murdered friend describing her as a coke fiend slut and then release it during the trial of her suspected murderer against the instructions of the judge and the prosecution making it impossible for them to use you as a witness on prior abuse and then pose for Playboy on that same publicity wave in a “hot second.” You are a terrible, TERRIBLE person Faye, and no Chanel handbag can hide that either, and neither can that cheap-ass looking dress, so bitch please.
Faye then goes on to say that Brandi ruined Adrienne’s family with the surrogacy secret and caused Adrienne and Paul’s separation. Marisa, having been quiet this whole time, calls bullshit on that saying there had to be problems before. Yolanda calls major bullshit and removes Brandi from the conversation, which is where we end this week’s hour of torture.
In next week’s hour of torture, we will see the vow renewal, Adrienne’s tears she stole from a child in China which she plans on selling for profit at The Palms after she is finished with them, Brandi and Faye fight some more, Kim and Kyle fight some more, and hopefully a closing scene of Giggy throwing up in a plant from too much sparkling rose, getting not a spot on his tiny pink outfit.
Until next week then…