Friday, February 15, 2013

Housewives in Wonderland: A Very Un-Merry Tea Party

Brandi as Alice
Adrienne as The Mad Hatter
Lisa as The Queen of Hearts
Taylor as The Drunken Door Mouse
Camille as The White Rabbit
Kyle as A Card
Faye as That Dead Thing in the Corner

Ok folks, bear with me here, I’m super hung over and I think I broke a toe last night.
Kyle visits Lisa so they can rehash last season’s reunion because, although the horse has been beaten to a bloody pulp, we’re still beating it with a Louisville slugger like Franky beat Nicky Santoro and his brother in the middle of that cornfield (“Casino” reference, had to happen).
Lisa’s house is named, “Villa Rosa.”  Really?  I mean, I guess, but really?  Your house needs a name?  And a sign? 
After some small talk the two ladies go upstairs for a serious heart to heart.  Lisa feels like Kyle never defends her.  Well that’s valid, since Kyle never defends her.  Kyle doesn’t think Lisa needs defending and says that’s why she didn’t defend her.  Then Lisa tells Kyle to apologize again, and using Lisa’s own words she’s feeding her.  So basically this conversation is straight out of the third grade cafeteria.  Kyle says she won’t apologize like that, and I wonder why Lisa would want a manufactured apology.  You would think she had quickly ODed on those after Adrienne’s apology where she appeared to be in the middle of an enema squeaking out, “I-m so—rr—y, BUT YOUSHOULDBESORRYTOO!” over a glass of pinot grigio that was wondering to itself, “Which bad decision did I make in life that landed me here?”
Anyway, there was no resolve which is perfect because now in a couple weeks we can have this same fight.  Yayyy!  Which reminds me, I’m taking recommendations on what new show I should blog about because I’m THISCLOSE to being over this mess.
Brandi visits Yolanda at the stables while Yo’s daughter Bella practices riding.  Yolanda points out that it’s kind of sad for Bella because most of the girls she rides with have two or three horses, and she can only afford Bella the one.  I’ll wait while you wipe the tears from your eyes so you can continue reading.  Gawd, I love Yolanda so much.
Anyway, Brandi’s stressed out over the Maloof lawsuit.  Yolanda says, “Oh vou know, dant vorry about Adriennz Maloofz, who is she in diz vorld?”  Have I mentioned I love Yolanda?
Onto the Tea Party from Hell….
Alice, ahem, Brandi arrives first, I think, because she’s Lisa’s new bestie.  She’s really nervous since this will be the first on-field battle between her and The Maloof Hoof.  The Drunken Door Mouse, ahem, Taylor arrives and gifts Lisa with a vibrator because….we don’t really know why.  She says it’s because of Ken’s hip surgery and the subsequent wait time until two-person sex, but since it is Ken who has the case of the inside-pants jollies in that relationship I fail to see the point.  But when you’re a drunk you tend to make silly, fly by the night decisions like bringing a vibrator as a hostess gift to a Tea Party and, by the way, I’m throwing a Tea Party next week… *hint hint*
Brandi and Taylor get along swimmingly (because Taylor’s already tipsy) as Brandi gives Taylor a tour of the house, including Ken’s closet where they find pictures of a naked Lisa and realized they may have over-stepped their touring boundaries.   
Meanwhile, in a pink kitchen, The Queen of Hearts, ahem, Lisa explains to Lupe (Is it Lupe?  I can’t remember) how to arrange tiny sandwiches on a platter.
More guests arrive, and we meet two hunks of grade-A idiot beef from that filthy STD of a show “Vanderpump Rules.”  No offense to anyone who watches it, but tons of offense to those who are on it.
Oh wonderful, The Dead Thing in the Corner, ahem, Faye I’ll-do-anything-to-be-on-TV Resnick is joining us.  She, The Card, ahem, Kyle, and The Mad Hatter hop in a limo, have their obligatory “This is going to be awkward” conversation, and arrive to “Villa Rosa” to wreak havoc.
At some point, Kim calls Lisa on her bathroom phone (?) and explains why she cannot make it.
“Hiiiii Lisa, it’s Kiiiiiim.  I got hit in the face.  I got hit in the face.  I was on my way to your house when I got hit in the face.  By who?  Ummm, my dog.  Yep, the dog delivered a clean upper cut to my new nose while I was driving to the party.  I think I’ll need a new one again.  I’ll wait until my pain pill prescription for this one runs out, and then I’ll go get another one.”
I have a theory that Kim got this dog solely to provide her with a whole new litany of excuses.
“My dog ate my homework.  My dog ate my Lexipro.  He ate my valium too.  And my passport.  And he ate my Christmas bow shirt.  And he ate my goddamn house!”
The ladies mingle a bit, gathered around the bare chests of the SUR man-whores.  Marisa mentions again how she would absolutely luuuurve to have sex with someone other than her husband.  I wonder if this woman understands this is going to be on TV.  Adrienne completely ignores Brandi which she is probably ok with because Adrienne’s voice sounds like the lady from the anti-smoking commercial who unfortunately lives with a hole in her throat.
Alright so the ladies sit down, and Lisa has gifted them each with a robe.  I freaking luuuurve robes.  Everything is just beautiful.  And actually, everyone is getting along quite nicely.  But things get normal again when a drunken Taylor brings up the hypocrisy that is Adrienne threatening Brandi with a lawsuit after she and Russell were ostracized from the group last season for doing the same thing.
Lisa not so subtly asks Taylor and Brandi to help her with something in the kitchen.  As soon as they’re out of earshot, Lisa tells Taylor to cool it because she doesn’t want World War III to happen at her tea party.  Taylor is so hammered.  Her eyes are rolling from side to side, and she can’t focus on the words.  She slurs out, “Did she or did she not send the letter?” to Brandi and Brandi replies that indeed she did.  Taylor gives a mischievous nod, and we all know she has no intention of keeping her enormous mouth shut.
This is when shit gets weird.
Taylor confronts Adrienne again pretty much immediately after they sit back down and Adrienne actually denies her attorney ever sent Brandi’s attorney a letter.  She denies any threat of a lawsuit.  You can smell the desperation through the TV screen like a scratch and sniff sticker as Adrienne begins hurling random, “You tweeted!  That was mean what you tweeted!  You tweeted about Bernie and that’s mean and not true!” 
Brandi and Adrienne go back and forth with “Shame on you!” and “No, shame on YOU!” and it’s just the most ridiculous thing you’ve ever seen.  You can tell Brandi is genuinely exacerbated by Adrienne’s denials. 
So The Mad Hatter, ahem Adrienne, tries to convince the group that in fact she never intended on suing Brandi even though she literally said at Mauricio’s commercial taping, “She’s gonna get slapped with a fat ol’ lawsuit!”  It’s funny because it’s like, umm, did Camille nor Kyle nor Faye ever talk to you about how Brandi has been shouting this threatened lawsuit business from the rooftops because you’re acting like this is the first you’ve ever heard of this, and I know it’s not.  So I call BULLSHIT on Maloof hard.  As Phaedra says folks, “Something in the buttermilk ain’t clean.”
Side note:  Don’t you love when The White Rabbit, ahem, Camille gets passionate about something and her eyes bug out to the point where they resemble her bubbies?
I think we find out more in next week’s episode when the shit hits the fan at the White Party.  But then again, Bravo might just string us along until the end of the season and never give us an actual resolution because that way we can talk about this all next season too.
Now if you all will excuse me, I’m due for an Advil fix.
Until next week my friends…


  1. This comment has been removed by the author.

  2. You should cancel this blog cause you SUCK at updating it!!! Over you! Peace out.

  3. Thanks for the note, EatMyDick, I replied to you in my latest blog entry. Love the name by the way, it really gives a visual, doesn't it?