Friday, February 1, 2013

The Surrogacy Secret That Did Not Shock a Nation

I’ll probably get sued by The Maloof for that title. 
Try to contain your excitement.  I’m back.  I don’t have any notes and like five episodes have gone by since I last blogged, so I’m just generally commenting.  Let’s dive right in (no pun intended for those who saw Kim and Kyle on “Celebrity Dive: Stars in Danger”or whatever the hell that mess was called) …
When life hands Yolanda thirty-nine orchards full of lemons, she bakes seven soufflés to see which comes out best.  Yolanda has garnered mixed feelings from the general viewing audience.  They don’t want to hear any more about how wonderful her life is or how much she luuuuurves her husband.  I respectfully disagree.  I love Yolanda because she is exactly what this show was originally supposed to be about.  Rich people being all rich doing super rich people things that no one else can do because we don’t all have time to color-coordinate our fridges.  Give me Yo-Yo’s 1,000 Hermes belts, her white pants, her blunt tongue, her lemon grove, her husband-luuuurving.  I will take it, and I will soak it in like the Malibu sun because that woman really does live the good life.  When she used Seal and Heidi as an example of friends getting divorced??  I can’t.  It’s too adorable.
Alright, so you all know what’s going on with this show.  Too much, that’s what.  Let me start by saying for those of you who do not know, the big Maloof secret is that she used a surrogate to carry her twins.  Let me know when you’ve come to, because that shocking scandal of a secret is just too much to deal with fully conscious, I know.  Hopefully you’ll awaken from your shock and dismay coma momentarily so you can continue relishing my thoughts and opinions.
I liked Brandi last season, a lot.  As you all know, she’s got a dirty sense of humor and a mouth like a sailor just like me, so of course I would like her.  This season, she seems a little too desperate.  I mean, you already beat Dana/Pam for a permanent spot on the show Kitty Kat, pump the brakes.  Brandi’s thong is in a butt-bunch because Adrienne did some mean stuff to her during the interim between seasons.  It supposedly all started when Adrienne wanted Brandi to back her up in last season’s reunion when she went after Lisa for allegedly selling stories.  Brandi refused, called her out on it, and subsequently Adrienne put some unflattering stories out in the press including but not limited to Brandi having sex with someone in the bathroom at Kyle’s White Party which, as it turns out, did not happen.
So you all know what happens next, I don’t want to beat an already decomposed horse.  And now the entire season revolves around this outed secret, this torrid rumor that was sooooo juicy (it wasn’t) that Bravo couldn’t even air the secret because Adrienne threatened both Bravo and Brandi with Cease and Desist letters.  Which leads me to Adrienne…

Although I do think it was wrong of Brandi to out a private Maloof family secret, evidently this was no secret and also BITCH IS ON TV.  Pretty much everyone knew, they just weren’t allow to say it out loud.  Of course everyone else was fine with that, but you know Brandi.  Now, while Brandi was probably in the wrong here, she was less wrong than the other party, and I’ll tell you why.  Because Adrienne Maloof is an awful person who deserves everything she gets so get ‘er Brandi.  Adrienne I would have to present with the Queen of Hypocrisy crown for A) Threatening to sue a cast mate after ostracizing the Armstrongs for doing the EXACT same thing last season and B) claiming she’s super private and never talks to the press while simultaneously doing two spreads in two different tabloid mags talking about how the surrogacy rumor tore apart her family and it’s Brandi’s fault she and Paul divorced.  Riiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiight Cray Cray.
Onto the next…
How about Marisa’s mom? 

That was crazy, eh?  First of all, arrest her friends who are telling her to keep her hair style, they’re unjustly mean.  Second, don’t you love how mothers do not hesitate to tell you when you look like shit?  Mine will definitely call me out when I’m not wearing mascara.  Marisa’s mom hates every single clothing item Marisa owns and is not afraid to tell her.  “Your wardrobe is ghastly, so can I come with you to Vegas?”  For the record, moms are the best.  Is it me or are the mothers of the housewives becoming more interesting than the housewives themselves? #mamaelsa
Can we talk about Faye Resnick?  Something in Faye Resnick’s face has died.  It bit the dust, rode its last pony, signed the eternal waiver.  She looks like she smells of carcass.  Does Faye not have the most annoying air of self-importance?  Or is it just me?  She feels she has the right to berate a perfect stranger at a dinner party because that stranger supposedly wronged, outside of Faye’s presence, someone who she is close to because her nephew once dated Adrienne’s favorite manicurist or something.  If I were at that table there would have been more done to shut this woman up.  Not murder or anything, you can’t murder the undead.  Faye is really one to talk about betraying a friend.  I won’t mention Faye’s book detailing the cocaine habits of her “best friend” after she was brutally murdered, or her spread in Playboy while riding the publicity wave that was her “best friend’s” murder.  I don’t want to be tawdry.
How about that Mmmmauricio?  Not so yummmmy when he’s yelling at a woman huh?  The thing about this whole mess is if these idiots would have just sat back and not been complete assholes all over the map, Brandi probably would have come out of this looking like the bad guy.  But instead, e’rybody on the show gettin’ messy.  You’ve got Faye and Mauricio seeing dinner parties as fit times to rip Brandi a new one in front of a bunch of people over a “secret” that wouldn’t have been a big deal if everyone would have shut the fuck up about it to begin with.  I mean, Jesus Christ on a cracker folks, Brandi said it once, everyone else has said it thirteen times per episode.  You’ve got Kyle having lunch with Faye to discuss it, now Faye’s in this shit pile right where she luuuurves to be.  You’ve got Mauricio making a huge deal out of it at a party where half the people have no idea what he’s talking about and now he’s just a grown man who is cool with scolding a grown woman like she’s his four year old who colored all over the TV.  “What were your intentions??”  Really?  Do better Mo. 
How about when Paul and Adrienne came out guns a’blazin’ at Mauricio’s real estate commercial party calling Brandi a drug-addicted terrible mother?  I believe it was Paul who repeatedly and loudly called Brandi and “bitch” in her face, while Adrienne pointed her witchy finger at her accusing her of “sleeping until 3pm” while on drugs.  That sounds more slanderous than saying someone used a surrogate, but hey, that’s just my opinion.  Did you notice how Adrienne repeated in that episode multiple times that Brandi was “lying, a liar, you’re lying, you’re a liar!!!”?  But she’s now done two spreads in two different magazines about how Brandi ruined her family by outing the TRUTH about the surrogacy.  Ms. Maloof: as if it was not after you publicly and falsely accused your estranged husband of physically abusing you and his own children, you’re credibility is rotting in hell.
Boy, Kyle is sure walking on egg shells this season, eh?  Is she even on this show for anything besides hosting Bash Brandi parties and being indifferent?
Taylor is a lamp post this season.  A drunk, crying mess of a lamp post.
Ok guys, I like Marisa.  I know there are many mixed feelings, but hear me out.  What I liked so much about Brandi last season was that she seemed more “real” than the others in that she wasn’t as worried about the way she was perceived as she was about being herself for the viewers, faults and all.  Well, this season she has moments of “realness” and “fun Brandi” but she is also hyper-defensive and frankly just too aggressive for me.  I mean, I got it when she freaked out on Game Night because she really was ganged up on, but when Mauricio was making a total asshole of himself, it would have been great if she could have just calmly stated, “I think it’s inappropriate that you are talking to me like this about something you don’t know firsthand,” instead of going straight to, “GO FUCK YOURSELF!”  I mean for crying out loud woman, you have to round second and third base, you don’t just run straight home.  What I like about Marisa is that she reminds me a lot of Brandi in her “realness.”  She doesn’t seem to try to pretend her marriage is all peaches and sunshine.  She doesn’t have fake bubbies, which in this crowd is CRAY.  She seems to say whatever is on her mind but doesn’t shove it down our throats.  I really liked how she attempted to stand up to Faye at Kyle’s first Brandi Bashing party even though she didn’t know her very well by simply stating that no one should be telling Brandi when and how to apologize to someone.  Mostly though, I luuuuuurve her husband who, after Mauricio and Brandi’s confrontation came to a head with Brandi shouting, “SHUT THE FUCK UP, GO FUCK YOURSELF!” asked the group flatly, “Well, who’s ready for dessert?”  You win Dean.  You win the whooooole game.

I saved the best for last.  Kim.  Shining Christmas bow-wearing, no-sense-making, always-picture-hanging light of my blog life.  Kim is just as awesome sober as she is all ten different kinds of drugged up.  I mean honestly.
“I went with my friend to a plastic surgeon and then I decided, you know what?  I want a change.  How about my eyes? No?  Ok how about my neck?  No?  Ok what if we do my left ear?  No?  Right ear?  No?  How about taking in my forehead?  Oh you don’t do that?  Ok what if we attach my teeth to my nipples?  No?  How about my nose?  Really?!  You would do that?  I mean, I’ve never thought I’ve needed a new nose before, but now that you mentioned it, that is just the PERFECT thing I can change that won’t be a big change but just like a little change that can change me a little to go with my change.  Well, I for one am excited for change.  What kind of meds to they prescribe for someone who’s changing?....”
Can we talk about the atrocity that is “Vanderpump Rules” for five seconds?  WTF is this show?  It’s like if “The Hills” and “Melrose Place” had a love child and then that child and “The Bachelor” had a love child, and then that child and “Bad Girls Club” had a love child and then that child smoked crack.

Alright, those are my little plastic thoughts.  I’m completely over this week, so please excuse any extra snark I’m throwing out.  It’s Friday, and mama needs a cocktail.  Hopefully it won’t take two months before gaining the patience to write about these wild hyenas again.

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