Wednesday, February 15, 2012
Crawfish, Claw marks, and Catalina
First let me start this week by saying that Vicki has definitely had work done to her face. When she smiles in the opening credits her eye brows take off like they’re flying into orbit. OK, lots to cover so let’s get started…
We’re apparently still talking about Jim-God and Peggy’s torrid past. Jim-God and Bubbies worked through the hurt Bubbies felt about Jim-God not telling her about dating Peggy, but she’s still hurt-y towards Peggy. We began last night’s episode with the second half of the dinner party Vicki threw at her house for the ladies. I’m not one to take Bubbies side like ever, but Peggy was being kind of aggro last night. Like when she was talking about her daughter Milan or Barcelona or Hong Kong or whatever breaking her arm for example. Bubbies was just trying to relate to little Taiwan, having had rods put into her body also, but Peggy took that as she was trying to “one up [Peggy’s] three year old.” Hold your horses Peggy. You are being a liiiiittle defensive and cray. Bubbies was just telling you how your three year old will probably have bumps in her arm from the surgery for the rest of her life because you were negligent and a terrible mother and let her fall and break her arm. See? She’s trying to be nice.
Introducing Heather! Heather is getting to know the ladies one by one. She has a chat with Bubbies about the area they live in, how many kids they have, the usual small talk, booshit booshit booshit. Bubbies does this squeak thing at the end of her sentences when she’s trying to show excitement because she’s thinks it’s cute, and she did that when she found out Heather had twins too. Twin Twins!!!! *squeak*
Gretchen asks Vicki how the Donn situation is going. Vicki says Donn’s not short of dates. It seems you are not either Viks, you Tiger you. The ladies gather for the appetizer which is a plethora of oysters. Tamra hates oysters because they didn’t ever have oysters in “the park.” So Gretchen feeds an oyster to Tamra (Really you two?) and Vicki gets the green with envy blues. Some chick who wore jeans, the same one who wrote the seven page long blog last week, is talking about how her boyfriend semi-proposed to her (“Let’s move in together so you can cook for me and do my laundry and then we’ll get married….someday”) and Heather says, “No honey, you need a ring to seal the deal,” or something to that affect and the chick looked like someone just stole her puppy. This prompts the ladies to ask Heather her engagement story. Heather says it wasn’t that great, that he did it on a flight to Paris all sweaty and nervous with magazines in the premises. It sounded pretty awful, but I hate flying so I’m biased.
The ladies sit down for dinner and Vicki gives a quick toast. It goes just like this:
Vicki: “Thanks for coming to my house and no fighting!”
Tamra: “Vicki, why are you sitting all the way down there?”
Vicki: “BECAUSE YOU DECIDED TO SIT NEXT TO GRETCHEN!!!”
Oh Vicki. You big silly. You say no fighting and then yell at someone. How I’ve missed you. I love that Vicki air-quoted “The South” by the way.
“I’m dating a man from ‘The South’ so we’re eating food from ‘The South’ in case you don’t know what ‘The South’ is, it’s this area in ‘The South’ so let’s eat gumbo.”
Tamra starts screaming about there being Fritos in her soup (she hasn’t the slightest idea what gumbo is, it’s all just soup to Tamra) and we realize, as Gretchen tells us, you can take the cigarette butt out of the ashtray but you …can’t take the trailer…out of the park, am I right? Oh forget it.
Heather talks about how she just might be ready to have a little work done by her plastic surgeon spouse but she doesn’t want to do too much to her face because she’s an actress and she wants to be able to play different roles. Prompt awesome Bubbies quote:
“She says she’s an actress but like Angelina Jolie’s an actress so…I don’t know.”
Yeah, you don’t know do you Bubbies. I know this is shocking but Angelina Jolie isn’t the only actress on the planet. There are TV actors, stage actors, commercial actors, hell, there are even other movies actors besides Angelina Jolie! Like how you call yourself a fashion designer but Coco Chanel is a fashion designer so…yeah, I don’t know either.
All is going nicely until Tamra randomly points to Gretchen and shouts, “YOU GOT YOUR LIPS DONE!” Gawdammit Tamra. Every time with you. Who does that at a dinner party? Remember when Ramona Signer went up to Krazy Kelly Killoren Bennsimon on RH of NY and said, “Did you get your other boob fixed? It looks good!” That was way better than this. This was just so lame. And Gretchen’s like, “I used my lip plumper…” Good plug Gretch.
Don’t you hate when these women act like food is all alien? Like if it’s not a caprese salad they don’t know what the fuck to do with it. Ladies, you do not look well traveled when you spit out foie gras (Bubbies in SF last season, stay with me) and talk about crawfish wieners. I thought the crawfish looked delish, albeit the bags were a bit unappetizing. They’re all bitching about it though, including Bubbies who is just going to steer clear due to the foie gras incident. To this Peggy says, “She doesn’t want to ruin her manicure!” This would be ok if you guys were friends still, but that’s not the case. Bubbies handled it with, dare I say, grace. She just flipped her mane from side to side while glaring at Peggy with disappointment. Then when Vicki says it’s time for dessert and Bubbies said she’s always ready for dessert (she’s not) Peggy’s like, “You're not going to pour ketchup all over all of our desserts are you because remember last season in the Trip to Texas episode when we were at that BBQ joint and you poured ketchup all over our whole dessert even though we wanted some (how could we forget)?” and again Bubbies handled it rather calmly. She said, “Yeah and then I bought you another one so it really wasn’t a big deal.” Honestly? Fair enough. I would have been like, “That’s it! You’re going in the pool.” Not really, I just like to sound tough. Peggy says Bubbies isn’t the sharpest tool in the shed and can barely form a sentence. You claim to have been her close friend for four years and dated her husband so what does that make you Peggy?
It’s a “school night” so Vicki yells at everyone to get the hell out. Everyone leaves except Tamra and Peggy who need to stay to talk shit with Vicki. Oh, and Heather too because she rode with Tamra and Peggy. Peggy’s crying and says she wants to talk things out with Bubbies because they used to be friends and now it’s fake. Peggy, which is it? I know it sounds like I’m being hard on her but come on. You can’t make snide, passive aggressive remarks all night and then expect the woman to want to eat ice cream and spoon with you. Then Peggy says Bubbies better “watch her ass” because she would never “stalk” anybody, especially nasty ol’ Jim-God. Let me just say, if that beezy was coming over to my house on a weekly basis and had at ANY point in time been knocking boots with Ken, stalking or not, someone BETTER have told me or they’d both be going down. They’d be going down to Chinatown.
Peggy approaches Bubbies’ limo and asks her to have a talk, but Bubbies says no because they’ve had some wine and she has to pack the kids’ lunch for tomorrow (Never drink and pack btw) and if Peggy really wanted to discuss it she could call her and they could meet for lunch. See Peggy? Speakith badly of Jim-God and be struckith down! Peggy goes back into the house saying Bubbies was a bitch and she’s done with her. Again, I know I sound cray siding with Bubbies, but even Tamra and Vicki stood up for her saying it would be very hard to deal with knowing your best friend and your husband dated and they never told you about it. Peggy says that Jim-God was investigated by the FBI so there’s no telling what he would have done had she told Bubbies on him. For the love of Jim-God Peggy, he was investigated for tax fraud, not putting hits out on his ex lovers. I think it’s time for you to go Peggy. Oop! Peggy’s gone.
You guys. Heather’s house is out of control. Did you see it? That’s like seven dream houses combined! It took six years to build it and it has an elevator and a fourteen car underground garage with a giant “D” for Debrow in it. Could you not just add another room to accommodate one little extra baby?
I love how different Heather is, it’s really refreshing. Like, her blouses don’t look like she ordered them from the sale section of “Boston Proper,” not that there’s anything wrong with that. Her and her husband Terry are Jewish and Buddhist and call themselves “Bu-Jews.” I’m digging it. I liked Terri Debrow with his Yakama pocket square and his corny jokes. Their kids were adorable and the scene of them getting ready for something was endearing and real, and I enjoyed it. This lady is actually rich and actually classy and has actual fashion sense to boot.
Tamra and Eddie are going to Catalina with Vicki and Brooks to celebrate Tamra’s birthday. Vicki tells Brooks what to pack. No surprise there.
Gretchen and Slade prove their love to us all by having a dinner together filled with pet names. Did you notice when Slade said he didn’t want to kiss Gretchen for fear of messing up her make-up and she said, “That’s ok, I own a make-up line”? Oh do you Gretchen? Do you have a purse line too? Are you a working girl? Do you travel a lot and Slade carries your luggage?? We get it already. And then a Jo de la Rosa dig? Bad form Gretchen. None of us liked Jo, she was a whiny spoiled dumb dumb with a nasally voice but she’s just the ex girlfriend. What’d she do to you? No seriously, do tell please.
The limo is here to take the Flirty Forty-Something Fun-Loving Foursome to Catalina. Brooks gives Vicki a little love card in the limo cause he’s filling up her love tank. Tamra’s like “barf” and we’re like, “Welcome to you last season Tamra.” Clearly the bath tub humping honeymoon phase is over since you’re carrying around an electric hair trimmer in your purse getting every last one of Eddie’s rogue nose hairs whether there’s an audience of your peers or not and telling us about his flatulence.
We interrupt this program for a special announcement: Gretchen is doing a topless photo shoot for charity because it’s perfectly acceptable to get naked for charity, see how that works?
Ok back to our regularly scheduled program: The Flirty Forty-Something Fun-loving Foursome are getting on the boat to Catalina now. This is where it goes “south”. First of all, apparently while discussing where their relationship is going with Brooks, Vicki accidentally used the word “celibate” in place of the word “monogamous”. I did that once with the words “cervix” and “clavicle”. Needless to say, my friend’s mom was none too pleased that my cervix was sticking out in my prom photo.
Ok tequila shots all around! Eddie and Vicki start play-flirting because they’re friends and it’s all in good fun yada yada. Meanwhile, Tamra’s about to go Oklahoma on their asses because, for some reason (probably tequila), Tamra didn’t get the joke. So in retaliation, Tamra grabs Brooks’ hand and puts it right on her boob and proceeds to rub her boob with his hand. Brooks is like WHOAAAA and snaps his hand away, and Eddie is PISSED. Poor Brooks, I felt so sorry for him. How awkward would that be? Tamra’s trying to make it like Eddie was in the wrong first but it was clear that she was the one who wayyyy crossed the line and you could tell he was just furious but he was being eerily calm about it. It was SO AWKWARD. It was actually so awkward that Vicki literally says, “So, how bout them Cubs?” Yikes.
As they’re finally exiting the boat, Tamra and Eddie are fighting about who was wrong and who was wrong first, all the while their hands are clenched together. There are two things I will not do with my husband when I’m pissed off at him: 1.Be naked 2. Hold hands
It’s interesting that Tamra cannot see immediately where she went wrong here. Tamra, it’s all fun and games until you put another man’s hand on your boob. Vicki and Eddie know each other and joke-flirted. You grabbed some guy’s hand you’ve met twice and sexually harassed yourself with it. Do the math.
Next week we find out why rubbing other dudes’ hands on your lady bits doesn’t fly with your significant other, and find out that Vicki’s Mr. Perfect has child support issues of his very own. Until then my friends…