Friday, March 2, 2012

Who’s Afraid of the Big Bad Slade

Sorry I’m late yet again Friends, but this time I have a valid excuse!  I was Sick BarbieTM, tissues and Dayquil sold separately.  But I’m back and I’m ready, and that is all that matters now, isn’t it.  Let us begin…
Tamra ding dongs Vicki’s doorbell so they can gab and eat eggs together.  Egg whites only for Tamra, know that.  Immediately Tamra asks Vicki why she didn’t say goodbye to her after the painting party.  Way to be subtle Tamra.  Vicki’s like, “I was over everybody.”  Vicki is over everybody when she’s not the center of attention or the belle of the ball.  It’s totally fine too because that’s how adults act.  Clearly, Vicki was pissed at Tamra for being friendly with Gretchen and not making her privy to the fact that they were now being nice to Gretchen.  If you’re confused and think I’m talking about the movie “Mean Girls” here, I’m referring to Gretchen Rossi not Gretchen Weiners.

Vicki actually cracked me up in this scene.  She thinks “it’s weird!” that Tamra slung mad and grime at Gretchen the last however many seasons (which you supported and joined in on Vicki) and now decides she’s just going to be friends with her.  OK so now that Tamra’s all happy and wants to be cool with Gretchen (and not because producers told them if they don’t squash this one or both are going buh-bye) Vicki’s afraid that she’s going to be squeezed out.  Vicki tries to give Tamra a taste of her own medicine by joking that she’s besties with Bubbies now.  When Tamra tells Vicki that she and Gretchen went shopping at a sex store, Vicki looks like she’s going to implode.  She’s doing the weird lock-jaw head shake again.  Tamra shows Vicki what she got her a the sex store, letting her know she was thinking about her on her outing with her new bestie.  Vicki’s like, “That’s not Biblical,” and Tamra has the best line of the night, “Oh Gawd, you have been hanging out with Bubbies.”  Vicki also says that sex toys are for couples who are not in luuurve who are trying to get back in luuuurve and Tamra has the second best line of the night, “So you used them with Donn?”  Then Vicki has an honorable mention line when she receives a text message and tells Tamra it’s Bubbies and she’ll see her at four-o-clock.  The oven clock read three-o-clock.  I enjoyed this scene.

Heather and Bubbies meet for lunch at a quaint little sushi spot.  Heather and Bubbies are like little dogs (Bubbies is a Dalmation, Heather a Boston Terrier) sniffing each other’s behinds to get a better sense of who the other is.  Bubbies tells Heather she’s a news anchor.  Let’s talk about that for a moment.  Do you think Bubbies purposefully exaggerated what she does for San Diego’s reject news station or do you think she doesn’t know what an anchor is?  I think both, plus she was cray nervous.  Did you notice that?  Poor girl could barely form a sentence, which means Peggy was right!  Heather picks up on this right away because she’s smart and she knows there is no way in Satan’s hell that Bubbies is a news anchor.  She asks, “So are you more like a Jillian Barberie or a Katie Couric?”  You can see the little hamster wheel a’whirlin and a’twirlin in poor Bubbies’ head.  “A Jillian Beerbeeer-y,” she says after some thought, clearly having no clue who that is but knowing full well that she is no Katie Couric.  Heather says Bubbies is “not cerebral” and I’m stealing that from her because I luuurve it.  Heather asks how she tackles all those rugrats with a news anchor job (ha) and Bubbies launches into how she still does everything, yada yada, and how Jim-God controls the universe, yada yada….and Heather’s like, “WHAT?  What do you mean he’s in charge?” and Bubbies starts stuttering, “Well, no I mean, but yeah well you know anyway…what do you guys do for fun?” and Heather says, “We love wine,” and Bubbies stutters, “Oh yeah wine, well wine you know, you know wine…double edged sword….hahahaha,” and we all look to Heather for guidance but she just has wide eyes and a look of confusion.  Heather calls Bubbies out on trying to “shut her down” at the painting party about her not wanting to talk about lurid sex details and Bubbies said she was joking.  Heather says Bubbies should know she’s a “jokey” person too, and Bubbies says, “Well maybe we have more in common than we think!”  Cut to Heather’s interview where she tells us they both have twins, and they’re both women, and that’s about it for their common things.  You both also luuurve a good plastic surgeon!
Slade is ruining the comedy circuit by trying to be funny in front of an audience.  Oh Slade.  He’s a Jack of All Trades, this one.  He’s a mortgage broker, an ex-boyfriend who is trying to find a man for his ex-girlfriend (Please don’t ever forget the tragedy that was “Date my Ex”), a housewife hunter, a painter, a luggage carrier/somebody’s bitch, and now a comedian!  Even his own mother is sick of his antics, which she makes clear in this scene.  Momma throws Slade some shade when he tries to unleash the funny on her.  She says the Chihuahuas are more entertaining than he is.  Which is true.  Slade realizes his humor is lost on his mother (too bad he didn’t realize it was lost on everyone everywhere) and instead tries to get serious with her.  He asks what she thinks about him proposing to Gretchen.  She says, “ohh nooooooo.”  This may or may not be because Slade proposes to anything wearing a wig that moves.  She basically says it’s not Gretchen, it’s him.  I am luuurving Slade’s mom.

Tamra and Eddie, I mean Baby Baby and Baby, are walking their dog and discussing things and stuff.  Eddie brings up the fact that Tamra’s lease is up soon, and maybe since half her stuff stays at his house she should stay there too.  Tamra’s a bit apprehensive about this, and for good reason.  She’s got two marriages under her belt now and is hoping the third one’s the charm.  To ensure that is the case, in the words of Mrs. Doubtfire, she’s going to let her sheets cool before she let’s someone else in the bed.  Well, not quite.  She’s going to let the garage cool before she let’s someone drive their car into it?  I don’t know, nevermind.  Anywhoo, she tells him she’ll think about it.
Slade’s just hangin’ on the couch, doing some research for his comedy routine, if you could call it that.  Gretchen has a peak-see and realizes that Slade’s act is based on “news” clippings on internet blogging not-at-all-news sites about Tamra and Vicki.  He finds a very unflattering picture of Tamra and compares her to the Michelin Man.  Then he starts ragging on Vicki’s new boy toy’s child support woes and other such nonsense.  Gretchen doesn’t like this one bit.  She’s trying to make everything right with the women and he’s going to tear them apart onstage.  She asks Slade to reconsider his act and to take her feelings into account.  He says he will, and then promptly does not.
Come the evening of the comedy show, Slade tells Gretchen she actually has to intertwine comedy into her hosting, and she goes bananas.  She goes bananas in the bathroom about seventeen times before the show.  Poor thing, I totally feel for her.  Whenever I’m super nervous and have anxiety I might as well set up a mini-fridge and a cot in the bathroom because that’s where you’ll find me.  I’m not going to the bathroom of course, I don’t do that.  I’m Barbie.
Before the show begins, Bubbies and Jim-God, Sarah the mystery cast member and her creepster fiancé, and Heather and Terri line up in the front row for the show.  Heather tells Bubbies she used to do stand-up for a short while and it’s the hardest thing she’s ever done.  Bubbies’ brain does back-flips, and she says to us in an interview, “She’s an actress, singer, in a band, and she does stand-up comedy, was she in cirque de soleil too?  Because I can clean, make lunches, football feed two babies at one time, and make a mean meatloaf.”  Bravo Bubbies.  That was funny.  But what in the hell is “football feeding”?  I just pictured her chucking mini corn dogs through the backyard into their mouths yelling, “Go long!”

The show begins and Gretchen comes out in a prison uniform, as frightened as she would have been if she were actually incarcerated.  I don’t understand the prison jumpsuit, but I think it pertained to a joke that never made it out of her mouth.  In fact, I gathered that her delivery was lacking about half the set-up on her jokes, making them fall flat.  You got to give the kid a break, she’s not the one who thinks she has a future in this (*cough* Slade *cough* delusional).  Well, as Gretchen and I always say, when all else fails get naked.  Gretchen strips down to her bikini and the crowd goes wild.  Too bad for Slade he doesn’t have Gretchen’s body…
When Gretchen finally introduces the first real comedian and gets to exit the stage, the female comic comes out and says to the audience, “What the fuck was that?” to which everyone bursts into laughter and Terri whispers to Heather, “It’s like she pulled the words from my brain.”  Jim-God I luuurve Terri.
Let’s take a break from the awkward tingles and cut to Tamra and Eddie having dinner at one of those fancy fondue places.  Don’t judge Tamra for going out for fondue and then ordering a chicken breast you guys.  Apparently it was the night of the big black-out in SoCal and that was the only place that had power.  I know this because she explained it in a Facebook post.  I guess she was getting a bunch of crap for it and felt the need to defend herself.  Anywhoo, Simon won’t sign the divorce papers even though he lives with another woman.  Eddie says it’s because he still luuurves her which is probably true, but you know he just doesn’t want to give her the satisfaction.  Tamra tells Eddie, though she luuuurves him enough to not put other dudes’ hands on her tatas anymore, she can’t move in with him yet because of her children.  She doesn’t want to uproot them anymore than they have already been uprooted and wants to put their needs before hers.  She also doesn’t want to make any sudden moves, and would like to establish herself on her own before becoming part of a couple again.  Can we get a slow clap for Tamra?

I will reluctantly return to talking about Slade’s comedy routine.  He made it all about Housewives which is SO stupid because -HELLO!- not everyone watches the show and reads Perez Hilton you idiot.  So he has this bit on how he hunts for housewives which is terrible.  Bubbies thought it was hysterical so if that tells you anthing…
Then, crushing Gretchen’s wishes, he laid into Tamra.  He put that gnarly picture of her up on the screen and made the joke about her being the new Michelin Man.  First of all, fat jokes?  REALLY??  Second of all, how many times have we all heard the Michelin Man comparison?  Then he brings up a picture of Vicki, alludes to her having cheated on Donn (?), and then says she’s gotten complete reconstructive surgery and now looks like Miss Piggy.  First of all with this one, if you say she got complete reconstructive surgery to look like Miss Piggy, aren’t you saying she didn’t look like Miss Piggy before and doesn’t that then contradict the joke you were trying to make that Vicki resembles Miss Piggy?  Second of all, Miss Piggy is a Jim-Goddamn icon and that is really more of a compliment than an insult so poo on you Slade.  Poo on you.

Gretchen is standing backstage seething.  She’s piiiiiissed, as well she should be!  Heather and Terry come back stage to say hi.  Heather is her lovely self, saying they did a good job for their first time because stand-up is super difficult.  Terri says he loved the bikini.  Have I told you lately I luuurve Terri?  Heather gives Gretchen a solid 4 out of 10 in her interview, and Slade a quivering 3.  I thought that was generous and gracious of her.  Bubbies and Jim-God come back and say they luuuurved the show.  When Gretchen asks Bubbies if Slade was too harsh Bubbies says it was funny and they dish it so they should be able to take it.  Slade says, “I’m just delivering the news!”  I find this SO OBNOXIOUS because NO YOU ARE NOT!!!!  It is NOT news that Vicki had reconstructive surgery and looks like Miss Piggy now.  That is not news.  That didn’t even fucking happen Slade, you moron.  Tamra Barney being “doughy” in a picture is not the news!!  Seriously Slade, publicly insulting these forty-something year old women just validates and justifies all the shit they talk about you.  Are you fourteen??  Give it a rest.
Vicki and her daughter Briana have dinner and catch up.  Briana asks about Donn and tries to talk her mom into taking some time to be by herself before jumping into another relationship.  Vicki doesn’t want advice.  Then Briana talks about the health problems she’s been having.  Apparently she has to have her thyroid removed because it has lumps all over it.  Yikes.  She’s been having issues with that for years and it sounds like it’s come to a head.  She says they have to remove the whole thyroid in order to look for cancer because they have to be able to poke around the entire thing.  Vicki doesn’t want to talk about the C-word.  Also, Vicki may or may not have herpes on her mouth (all cold sores are a form of herpes and we all must accept that).  Vicki doesn’t want herpes.

We end this episode with Gretchen thisclose to naked wasted in the car ride home with Slade telling him she’s livid he went after the ladies like that when she had asked him not to.  She slurs, “Then you call the bitches and tell them but keep me out of it!”  She doesn’t want to be blamed for what happened or be forced into the middle, and it seems we find out soon that her fears are not far-fetched…
Next week Tamra hosts an ‘80s themed bunko party and the shit hits the fan ‘80s style (which means with crimped hair).  Until then my luuurves, have an awesome weekend!


  1. I love your writing! It's hysterical and you are spot on with your analysis and snark. The show is so bad, it's good but Tamra has gone off the deep end this season. She's even more vulgar and tacky. I don't know what Terry and Heather are doing with this bunch of lowlifes, they certainly don't belong with an ugly group of bad blond hair, panted on make up and fake boobs.

    1. Thank you for reading Choose to Lose, I'm so happy to hear you enjoy it! Heather is definitely going to have a run for her money with this group. I'm excited for more Heather/Bubbies interactions. I hope you caught the SNL Real Housewives of Disney spoof from this last Saturday. If not, youtube it. It's spot-on.