Thursday, March 22, 2012
The Party’s Over
SLACKER BARBIE TM. Yes, I am over a week late. I have no reasons, only excuses. Let’s all take a deep breath and move past it. Ok, on last week’s episode of Real Housewives of Orange County…
We witness the finale of the Bunko Party from Hell. I’m going to break it down by mini-wars. Ready?
Slade vs. Vicki
We left off where the boys arrive decked out in full eighties gear, including Slade the Comedian sporting a Joe Dirt mullet and a smug smirk on his Sladey Smiley face. Vicki is LIVID right now. You can see the red rising up her face like a cartoon Donald Duck when Huey, Duey, and Louie get into the flour or some such antic. She stares at him from across the room and everyone can see this is not going to end well. The red rises all the way to the top, the smoke blows out of her ears, and Vicki says with an eerie calmness, “So you think it’s funny to be mean Slade?” and Slade responds with, “I don’t know, why don’t you ask the 300 people who were laughing their asses off?” Ok, well that’s a bit of an exaggeration but whatever. So Vicki says, “What are you, some sort of comedian now?” and Slade says, “Yes.” Vicki turns in a few angry circles and does a little mad dance and then says, “Exit stage left (what?). He’s a piece of shit. He’s a piece of shit. He’s a piece of shit.” We get it Vick. She exits what must be “stage left” and says she has more important things to do than this like spend time with her sick daughter. Phew, I guess we dodged that bullet. Oh but wait, in true Vicki fashion, she waits for someone to come after her. When no one does, she enters back into the party, stage right. Everyone is sort of standing around and Vicki walks straight up to where Slade and Gretchen are sitting. She says, “I know you don’t approve of my looks and they aren’t up to your Orange County standards but my mom and dad think I’m beautiful.” How embarrassing is that you guys? First you storm you because you have more important things to deal with. Then you return and say that?? Slade literally laughed in her face. It was painful.
Vicki vs. Gretchen
Gretchen can’t take it anymore with the Vicki nonsense. She practically yells to Vicki, “So you think it’s ok to call someone a ‘dead beat dad’ but he can’t say anything about you?!?” and Vicki says, “I never made fun of his looks!!” and Gretchen’s head explodes. She collects her brain matter off the floor and says, “You think it’s worse to make fun of someone’s looks than to accuse someone of being a dead beat dad???” and Vicki yells, “I HAVE BEEN THE RECIPIENT OF SOMEONE WHO DOESN’T PAY CHILD SUPPORT!!!” and Gretchen screams, “THEN WHY ARE YOU DATING BROOKS!!!!??????!!!!!!??????!!!!!!” and Vicki shrieks, “MY BOYFRIENDS IS NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!” and Gretchen shouts back, “WELL THAT’S FUNNY! BECAUSE SLADE WAS NONE OF YOUR F**KING BUSINESS EITHER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!” And the eighties shit just hit the fan.
Everyone just stood by in horror as these two grown women’s screaming match ensued with F-bombs dropping left and right and crimped hair flying and fingers wagging so hard you thought they might break off and fall into an empty margarita glass. It ended with Gretchen crying, “What gives her the f**king right??” and Bubbies and Slade consoling her as Vicki storms out, yet again, this time followed by Tamra who tells her something that makes so much sense it’s mind-boggling that it was said on this show. Tamra said, “Look at me in my face. I am removed from this because I choose to remove myself.” OMG. What a fucking concept!! Hey Vicki, WHO THE HELL CARES that Slade made fun of you in his comedy show?? You’ve been DOGGING him for YEARS! You didn’t think that was coming back to you at some point?? You didn’t think that you dating a guy who has been arrested for child support TWICE wouldn’t be brought up by the very guy you accused of being a dead beat dad for falling behind on child support??? Hmm?!? CRAY.
Bubbies vs. Terri
Vicki leaves for good this time and the party sort of commences. Only on Real Housewives, am I right? Heather, her plastic surgeon husband Terri, Tamra, and Gretchen are sitting at a table talking about Tamra’s breast reduction surgery she’s having on the coming Monday. Gretchen says, “Bubbies is having surgery that day too!” Tamra asks what kind of surgery and Gretchen tells her “sinus surgery” and Tamra says, “You mean a nose job??” and everyone laughs. Terri says something about how sinuses are in your cheeks and not your nose and they all giggle some more. Bubbies, sitting about five feet away at a different table says, “I can hear everything you guys are saying and I don’t appreciate it. My surgery IS for my sinuses Terri, and as a plastic surgeon you really shouldn’t be talking about plastic surgeon patients!” Terri is taken aback because apparently he didn’t know they were talking about someone who was at the party. He looked like a deer caught in headlights. He sputtered some defensive line about how he didn’t know….he didn’t know. Heather came to her husband’s defense saying he really didn’t even know they were talking about Bubbies. Oh but Bubbies was not backing down. This is her integrity, her livelihood! Tamra can’t deal with Bubbies, she just can’t deal. Tamra says, “There’s nothing wrong with getting a nose job, your nose is big! Just own it.” Oh heavens no she di’n’t. Bubbies is like, “You don’t know how bad my sinuses are! I hawk up a luggy (sp?) every morning and I could hawk you up a luggy (sp?) right now but I think it’s kind of gross!” Heather’s face is priceless. That will not be necessary Bubbies, thank you very much.
Heather vs. Bubbies
Heather comes over and tries to make peace with the almighty Bubbies but she isn’t really having it. Heather tries to explain that Terri did not know they were talking about her and that they weren’t really being mean, just laughing about how she’s trying to disguise her rhinoplasty as a sinus surgery. The truth is, she was having both. Maybe she wouldn’t have had the nose job done if she didn’t have the other issues, who knows. Who cares?? Bubbies, that’s who.
Bubbies vs. Gretchen
Just when you thought you could sit back on your couch and exhale, another argument erupts. This time, it’s between Bubbies and Gretchen as they are getting in their limo to leave this godforsaken soiree. Bubbies is mad because she doesn’t feel like Gretchen stood up for her in the Sinus Issue or Nose Job debate. Gretchen really didn’t stand up for Bubbies at that table because Gretchen didn’t really believe that Bubbies was not getting a nose job to fix her nose. Gretchen wonders why she was supposed to get in the middle of Bubbies fight with Tamra and Terri but Bubbies didn’t get involved when Vicki and Gretchen were having The Great Yelling Match of 2011. Bubbies wanted to stay neutral, and Gretchen wanted to stay neutral. So why are we fighting again? Ah yes, Bubbies thinks that Gretchen would have stood up for her if she wasn’t new besties with Tamra. Bubbies says she stood up for Gretchen all the time when Tamra talked poop about her. Gretchen says she doesn’t think that’s true. Slade says, “Can’t we all just get along?” and we all say, “Shut up Slade.”
The bunko wars have ended…for now. Donn’s here!! Heyyyyy Donn. Donn never skipped out on any child support. *tear* Donn is visiting Briana at her place. Donn luuuurves Corona, and I luuuurve him for that. Briana is able to just relax and drink a beer and vent about how she’s feeling without having someone freak out on her like someone we know who freaks out *cough Vicki cough*. Briana says Donn is easier to talk to about this stuff than Vicki. We’re just happy to see Donn.
Gretchen and Slade are riding in the Range Rover as per the usge. Gretchen lost her damn voice she yelled so hard at Vicki’s hypocrisy, and really, how could you blame her? I would have thrown my crimper at Vicki when she said Brooks not paying child support is different than Slade not paying child support. It doesn’t matter how you feel about either individual. Slade falling behind on child support is THE SAME as Brooks falling behind on child support! The fact that Vicki wants to claim Slade doesn’t care about his kids is absolutely ridiculous. She never should have said a thing about it because it was none of her business and now it’s coming back to bite her in the ass. You know what they say about people who live in glass houses? Yeah, they shouldn’t walk around naked. Vicki had the gall to text Gretchen with, “I will not tolerate you talking badly about Brooks.” Gretchen says Vicki is a “wackadoodle” and I must agree.
Commercial teaser: Bubbies gets a shipment of dresses from her fashion line and tries them on. I hope they fit, she’s the only one wearing them.
Tamra brings coffee to Vicki for the forty-seventh time this season. They talk about the bunko debacle and Vicki is embarrassed that she yelled, but not sorry. She still doesn’t see the hypocrisy in what she’s saying, which means she never will. Even Tamra thinks it’s bullshit. Vicki justifies her feelings:
“Brooks is a wittle victim who lost his job and fell behind on child support and he wanted to do something but he couldn’t do anything and then the mean ol’ judge threw him in jail twice, once for each baby momma. But Slade is different because he just flat out doesn’t pay child support and he hates his children and hopes they get small pox and all Fs on their report cards, so you see, it’s different.”
La la la, oh to live in Vicki’s world.
Bubbies goes in for her scawwwry surgery. She’s a freakin’ hawt mess. Jim-God says a prayer atop her head and that makes her feel just a toonsy bit better, but not really. Not even Jim-God can save you from a nose job apparently. Those nurses can’t wait to knock Bubbies out. Jim-God slips them a twenty just to hurry it up already. Bubbies is crying and sniffling, well she would be but she can’t which is why she’s getting this surgery in the first place. That and the bump she wants shaved off. Next week we see the conclusion of the sinus/nose job surgery and we get to witness Dr. Niccole break the hell out of Bubbies’ nose which will be slightly fun.
Vicki takes Briana in to get her surgery and it’s a dark day in the OC. Briana is all set to go, or is she? Vicki must know: Did she pack panties, pjs, a toothbrush, a hair straightener, a book of cross-word puzzles, her best gold jewelry in case the President comes to visit her in the hospital??? Briana tries to explain to her cray mom that she’s a nurse and knows what she needs to stay in the hospital for three days but Vicki has to control the situation anyway. Stop fighting it Briana, you’ll only waste your strength. On the car ride to the hospital, Vicki nearly has a nervous breakdown. You would think it was she who was about to have her throat cut open instead of the calm passenger sitting to her right. Briana says that with her mom, it is always about her mom. So we’ve observed Briana. It’s not that I don’t think Vicki should have been freaking out about this whole thing. It’s that when someone else is the one going through the trauma, you should support them in whatever way they need to be supported which in Briana’s case was to remain calm. Having someone freak out that you’re going to have cancer and die does not typically make you feel more confident about the situation. Everyone tried to handle it the best they could though, and we’ll see how it turns out next week.
Next week (meaning this week, and more specifically two nights ago) it’s prognosis negative for Briana, Tamra visits the doc about having her enormous jugs taken out, and Heather takes a couple of the ladies on the ride of their lives. That’s right, a 10 minute helicopter ride to L.A. Stay tuned, and hopefully I can pound out another one of these like a good non-procrastinator Barbie and get us all up to date because this is all so important. Until what will likely be tomorrow…