Friday, April 6, 2012

You say Consultant, I say Consultant

Welcome back Housewife lovers!  We had a little hiatus because there was no new episode last week, and the episode the week before that was laaaame.  So here we are!  Let us begin…
Heather takes Terry in to some Fancy Pants Shop to have him redressed in the dapperest of all male clothing.  Even Fancy Pants must keep up with the Joneses and Heather’s fancy friends’ husbands are all better dressers apparently.  So you know ladies, for a mere $50,000 before accessories, your man too can have a knock-out wardrobe, so get those checkbooks out.  Terry may prefer scrubs and crocs but he’s putting his fashion-foot forward and he’s going to look like Micah Tanous in no time at all (Porsche watch sold separately).
Since dumping Simon, Tamra’s been leading a more active lifestyle with Eddie her Latin Luuurver.  Because they’re fit and they adore each other’s butts, Eddie and Tamra like to work out together at the gym and stimulate all of our gag reflexes with comments like, “That’s hot babe, I’m going to attack you when you’re done with your fifty bicep curls.”  It’s always been Tamra’s dream since last season to open a fitness studio so that’s what she’s a’gonna do.  She’s even getting that breast reduction so that will make it easier to work out.  You gotta give it to the woman, she’s committed.  Eddie doesn’t need Tamra to have big boobs like Simon did for his ego, no no.  Eddie’s like the honey badger, he doesn’t give a shit.  As long as he has something to hold on to and can stretch far enough to, as Tamra puts it, kiss his own ass, Eddie’s a happy camper.
Vicki gets the call we’ve all been waiting for and finds out that Briana doesn’t have cancer.  This is a miracle because the poor thing had about 30 tumors on her thyroid and lymph nodes.  We’re so glad you’re cancer-free Briana, now let’s have a Corona with Donn and celebrate!

Tamra visits Heather’s mansion which looks like it belongs in Real Housewives of Beverly Hills more than Real Housewives of Orange County.  In fact, it dwarfs some of the BH ladies homes (*cough Kyle cough*).  Tamra and Heather work out in Heather’s home gym.  This isn’t like our gyms at home ladies, which if you’re like me includes two 5 pound weights and a jump rope.  No, this is a real gym with mirrors on all the walls and room and stuff.  It’s pretty cool.  The ladies talk the Mud Run which Tamra’s invited Terry and Heather to do for charity, and Gretchen who Tamra is still on a crusade to get along with, and then ultimately Bubbies when Heather ponders if perhaps she and Bubbies just got off on the wrong foot like Tamra and Gretchen to which Tamra replies, “No, she’s just an idiot.”  Heather simply says “Oh dear.” Going forward (I hate that expression btw) whenever I agree with something bitchy someone says but I don’t want to be outwardly bitchy I’m going to Pull a HeatherTM and just say, “Oh dear.”  Classy with a capital “C.”

Gretchen FINALLY visits Bubbies and not a moment too soon.  It’s been five days since the nose job heard ‘round the world, and Gretchen hasn’t been by yet, which leaves Bubbies to wonder a la Derek Zoolander, “Who am I?”  Gretchen greets Bubbies who is sporting a bird flu face mask and wonders if they really did just whack her face in half as Bubbies had thought they were going to do.  When Bubbies tells Gretchen of the horrors of plastic surgery, Gretchen can only say, “I told you so.  I told you so.  I told you so….,” over and over and over again.  Did ya tell her Gretch?  Jeepers.  Why don’t you just punch her dead in the broken nose, that’ll teach her not to listen to your wisdom.  Bubbies of course busts out her sinus goo pictures so everyone can lose their dinner (again) to prove to Gretchen there really were sinus issues up in there.  Yeah, we get it ok?  No one but Tamra is doubting that you have sinus issues Bubbies, and she’s just doing it to piss you off, which is working.  When Bubbies nose inflammation goes down and her black eyes turn back to blue, she’s going to ask Tamra out to lunch so they can have a really awkward forced conversation about why Tamra doesn’t like Bubbies which will definitely solve all their problems.  I can’t wait.  Gretchen, as per the usge, doesn’t want to be inserted in the middle so she’s in a bad spot since Bubbies thinks they’re in middle school (can you blame her?) and everyone can only have one friend at a time.
Tamra visits Vicki at her casa where Vicki is going through clothes to give to charity.  You guys, Vicki has never lived alone and she hates it.  She married her neighbor when she was five years old, moved from her parents’ house to the one shared with her first husband, then had the kids with her until she moved in with Donn.  Vicki does not like to live alone, or ever be alone, or when she is with someone, not have them giving her compliments.  Brooks is therefore a double-edged sword you see, because Brooks gives Vicki cards and affirmations, and fills her love tank with cherishes and forget-me-nots and whispers of sweet nothings, but he lives five states to the east.  What’s a girl to do?  Tamra is weary of Brooks and his attention-giving ways.  She thinks he may just be giving Vicki what he knows she wants and that his affections may not be genuine.  She’s smarter than to say anything though, could you imagine?  Vicki would go all eighties bunko party on her.  No one wants that.
Vicki and Tamra’s conversation turns to divorce once again.  Tamra is due to sign her final papers after a two year long stand-off with her egomaniac control-freak estranged husband.  Vicki says that if the other person refuses to sign the papers after a certain amount of time, the court can force you to fornicate.  Vicki hates words where she doesn’t know the word.
Ahhh in case you were missing this, we have a scene with Gretchen and Slade riding in the Range Rover.  What would an episode be without one?

It’s Mud Run Time!  The group wearing nickname t-shirts, consisted of Eddie (aka Boy Toy), Tamra (aka Cougar), Heather (aka Fancy Pants), Terri (aka Dr. 90299 or something), Gretchen (aka Naked Wasted), and Slade (aka Comedian).  Fancy Pants Heather was super nervous leading up to the run, which reminded me of myself if I would have been involved.  There were so many people lined up at the Del Mar race tracks, ready to get straight muddy.  But Heather’s a joiner!  Gretchen was not nearly as nervous, but after several obstacles that included diving into a mud pit and crawling under nets, Gretchen twisted her ankle and had to be carted off by the First Aid Clan.  

What about her PussyCat Dolls performance??  Only time will tell.  And previews.  Terri suffered from mud-in-the-eye syndrome, very serious if you’re a plastic surgeon.  Then when we thought the injuries were done, Eddie fell off the money bars (whose brilliant idea was it for people to try monkey bars with mud-soaked fingers?) right onto his pinky finger which promptly broke.  As Tamra said, it was facing the opposite direction.  Eddie, being the Latin Luuurver that he is, popped it right back into place.  Umm, OUCH!  Stop that Eddie!!  You crazy.

Tamra is really the only one who knows what she’s doing and it’s because she’s really like a boy.  When she was younger she ran Track and Field and was a tomboy, so now she considers herself a boy with a vagina.  Her words.  They all crossed the finish line, even Gretchen who was carried across by Slade after the First Aid cart pulled then right up to the line.  You’re my hero “Comedian.”
Terry hoses the ladies off after the Mud Run…and likes it.
The ladies go out for pizza after the race to fuel up after an intense mud work-out.  I forgot to mention Tamra’s creepy son Ryan (aka Big Boy, wtf?) was there too.  Ok I forgot to mention him on purpose.  Anywhoo, Heather changed from her mud gear into a flowing maxi dress making the other two women look like schleps.  Just kidding, everyone looked muddy and fun-loving and fancy-free.  They mowed pizza while they discussed the injuries that took place on the course, as well as injuries that took place some fifteen or so years ago when Slade and Eddie were in their prime.
Slade was a professional bicyclist my friends.  He was sort of a poor man’s Lance Armstrong, if you will.  Slade rode in Tour de France and almost didn’t graduate high school because the President of France asked him to study bike-riding under him while he considered knighting him for being an overall fantastic rider and person but then -oop!- he was hit by a runaway fruit cart and sent to the hospital where he….what?  What’s that Tamra?  Oh Eddie fractured the shit out of his clavicle as evidenced by the vomit-inducing formation left on the right side of his upper chest?  That’s way cooler than Slade’s thing!  After what Heather called out as a “strange competition of injuries,” Tamra exclaimed that the next group date was sky diving to which Heather and I both replied, “Ohhh we’re VERY busy that day.”

Vicki goes out to dinner with Brooks at some seafood joint on the water that reminds him of Mississippi because….I don’t know why.  It has a fish sign?  Vicki and Brooks are in luuuuurve everyone.  Like, love tank full luuuurve.  It’s precious if by precious I meant nauseating.  Vicki doesn’t like the PDA, but Brooks does.  He really does you guys.  He’s kind of like a PDA rapist, he’ll do it even when it’s not wanted.  Ok, too far?  He’s like a PDA sexual assaulter.  Better?  Anyway, the BEST part about this dinner was when Vicki explained what Brooks does for a living to explain why he can take month-long trips out to California to have everything bought for him by Vicki and it went like this:
“Brooks is like…he’s an entrepreneur.  He’s a consultant.  He consults.”
Sooo….Brooks, in addition to owing child support to two baby mommas, also happens to do EXACTLY what Vicki gave Slade SO MUCH SHIT for doing?!?!  You guys, are you hearing this????  Remember when Vicki was like “SLADE DOESN’T WORK!” and Gretchen was like, “HE’S A CONSULTANT!” and Vicki was like, “WHAT IS THAT?  THAT’S NOTHING!  THAT’S MEANS HE DOESN’T WORK!”  No?  Neither does Vicki.  I fast-forwarded through the rest after that so if anything else interesting happened, please feel free to elaborate in the comments section.

It’s Bubbies!  Bubbies needs her own signature background music like they do in cartoons for the least intelligent character.  “Ba doomp ba doomp doo ba doomp da dooo”  There we go.  Ok so Bubbies is getting her little nose cast removed.  It hurts!  Phew, that’s over.  Oh she likes it!  She thinks it’s pretty!!

Tamra is on her way to the attorney’s office to make her divorce final.  It’s very emotional.  Bravo’s producers make it more emotional when they play both terrible clips of Tamra’s marriage to Simon (the limo ride to Season 5’s final party at the Four Seasons was torturous)  and the happy clips (Simon giving Tamra a tennis bracelet at Season 4’s Final Party -pretty much the only actual happy clip- the finger tattoo she did when she already knew her marriage was going down like the Titanic).  I realized watching these clips I have WAY too much emotionally invested in this show.  Tamra feels she let her kids down and broke up her family and is not sure she did it for the right reasons.  Where did it all go wrong?  Well, regardless of her doubts, she signed the papers and if you’re a true RHOC fan and you don’t reside under a boulder, you know Tamra is now engaged to Eddie so I’m pretty sure she got over all that.  She drove off a “free bitch” in her BMW into the OC sunset.
Next week looks goooood.  Gretchen channels Countess LuAnn, Melissa Gorga, and Kim Zolciak in her singing lesson.  Bubbies mispronounces some chick’s name on Fox Five News and the chick isn’t having none of it.  Bubbies and Jim-God discuss their holy marriage contract, Tamra’s boobs get hacked right off, and our mystery semi-cast member Sarah goes ape shit on Vicki at a bowling alley.  Until next week my friends…

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