Welcome to Barbie's Cray World! Here I dissect and analyze trashy reality television, post anecdotal stories that you probably wouldn't want your mother to hear, and basically entertain you with my astounding wit. Hold on to your dream houses folks, it's about to get cray.
Wednesday, June 6, 2012
Barbie's Back Betches!
First of all, I apologize for my cray hiatus. I needed a break from these screeching bitches. Second of all, so much to talk about. I will post a structured blog on Friday about last night's episode. But as a teaser, here are ten points of cray...
1. Does Gretchen not have any closer friends Slade could have chosen to go shopping for engagement rings with? Call me cray, but should he have called someone who has known her longer than a month? Also, if you're going to give a girl a fake rock, don't discuss it on national television. The word is bound to get out.
2. Vicki's apology to Gretchen: "I'm sorry. You're supposed to say it now. It was actually your fault so I just said it so you would say it so why aren't you saying it. SAY IT! SAY IT! Ok that's it, I'm not sorry. Here's your birthday gift, I hope you choke on it you apology grubbing skank." Vicki, you are SUCH a good friend (Mean Girls reference, you're welcome).
3. Bubbies' speech at her twins' birthday princess/puppy party. WTF. Only Bubbies would stand there in a gawddamn pink tutu and give a toast (at a four year olds birthday) about her almost dying while giving birth to them. I've never given birth, as you all well know, so I don't know the placenta mumbo-jumbo she was talking about but holy Jim-God, she was using medical terms like she was guest-starring on Grey's Anatomy, and thanking doctors like she was accepting an Oscar. The looks on those poor children's faces were priceless. "Mommy, what's a vaginal tear?" CRAY.
4. Bubbies letting four year olds hold a bunch of puppies and is telling their parents RIGHT IN FRONT OF THEM that they can take them all home. Had I been a mom at that party I would have strangled her, probably right after my four year old child accidentally strangled one of those innocent puppies.
5. Tamra's little rant to Bubbies while decked out in Lululemon was rich. I mean, modest- let us not use the word rich in front of Tamra unless something is actually rich. I get it folks, Tamra thinks Bubbies is a phony. That's fine, she is in a lot of ways. But let's be real. Do you go up to every single person who rubs you the wrong way and list all the shit you hate about them? I do, but that doesn't make it right!! Just kidding, I don't do that. I avoid them like any normal passive-aggressive person does and if I have to encounter them then I smile and nod to their face and immediately roll my eyes as far back in my head as I can as to make a statement to myself about how much they annoy the shit out of me.
6. Let's talk about Brooks for a minute. Ok, wow. How does that crow taste Vicki, is it sort of rotten? Like the way you criticize EVERYONE else's man but no one can even tell yours he has something in his teeth without you freaking out? The shit he says....I can't. Like, what was he saying in Vegas? That little antidote that NO ONE got about how when you love someone you shout it from the rooftops and whisper it in their ear at the same time or some shit? I think it's his voice for me. I like a manly man. I know you guys think because Ken comes with a fabulous wardrobe and always wears a smile that he's a softy, but let me tell you something about Ken. When he tells me to do something, I do it. I do it because he doesn't sound like a kindergarten teacher trying to tell me how to color within the lines. Reminds me of George from Of Mice and Men. "I wanna pet the Vicki, and love the Vicki and squeeze the Vicki until she stops breathing." Cray.
7. Briana's elopement was a shock to us all, but to no one more than her mother. Vicki seriously lost her shit when Briana told her that she and her military boyfriend Ryan had done a drive-through Vegas wedding without telling her first. Here's why I love Vicki. She says, "How could she take that away from me? I'm the mother of the bride, she's taken everything away from me like the bridal shower and the engagement party and the day before brunch and the bachelorette party I was going to throw her and be the star of and why would she take this special time away from me, I mean this is my time, and she just took it for herself and it's supposed to be about me!" Vicki, you've had two weddings and a fairly elaborate vow renewal ceremony, and I'm pretty sure there are more weddings in your future. Take it down like nine notches.
8. Bubbies in her newscasting lesson. How great was that lady, remember her? "Mayyybe don't wear a top that accentuates your nipples on morning television when criticizing the over-sexualization of children. And don't say hi." I luuuuurved how Bubbies could not be trained to not say hi. Every clip she started, "Hi!" I mean, Jim-God love her, I know she's trying but, "Hi!" And then she gets all serious, "There's a fire at this house that I'm making hand gestures towards and there was a cat." Bless her heart.
9. I luuuurve Terry Dubrow. That is all.
10. This Sarah person. This mystery member. Who is she? She shows up in episode 1 and is like, "My fiancee and I are engaged but he doesn't know it yet," and then in episode 3 or 7 or 5 or something and gets plastered off expensive champagne while bowling and then thinks it's a good idea to verbally assault Vicki, and where is she now? I don't know if you guys Bravo.com on a regular basis or not, but she's literally ALWAYS the first "housewife" to blog. And her blogs goes like this, "Rainbows and puppies and kitties and sunshine and I like to wear my cowboy boots when I roll down hills." It's cray.
That's all for now my friends. Thank you for sticking with me, it's good to be back.