Friday, June 8, 2012

Jungle Fever: Cat Fights, Monkey Thieves, and Fear

Welcome to Paradise Hell everyone!  This is a place that looks serene and beautiful, until you carefully peel back the layers to find it’s really filled with your worst nightmares.  Shall we get started?
We left off last week in the middle of Bubbies’ “Intervention.”  Now you guys know I’m the expert on Interventions as I am an avid Intervention viewer (not because I have drug problems, Barbie doesn’t do anything that can affect her skin negatively) so I know that this would not have been approved by Candy Finnigan and Jeff VanVonderen.  Interventions are not supposed to be accusatory or make the person feel bad about themselves; so please ladies, don’t call something a rose when really it’s shit.  We’re smarter than that.  Intervention my plastic ass.

I luuuurved when Bubbies called out Tamra for carrying a Louis Vuitton through the jungle.  I thought all of their handbag/shoe/attire/jewelry choices were rather ballsy really.  Can we take a moment to reflect that Bubbies wore a fake seven carat diamond so as not to lose a real one should it be stolen?  It’s great that she thinks the culprit will walk up to her politely and ask for the ring in a civilized manner.  She’s clearly never heard of things like “kidnapping” or “ransom” or “cutting one’s hand off.”  Anywhoo, I get what they’re trying to say about Bubbies.  It’s like when she pulled up at the airport at 4:30am and asked the skycap why on Earth he would want to do this every day because it’s sooooo terrible, as if this is his dream job and he enjoys it thoroughly and wouldn’t rather be getting up at that time once in a blue moon to bask in the sun of an adventurous Costa Rican vacation.  She just says stuff that sucks sometimes, but I really think it’s because she’s not that bright, not because she’s trying to be mean. 
So anyway, Tamra’s yelling, “BE A TRUE PERSON!” and Vicki’s saying, “I probably have more money than you,” and Gretchen’s saying, “You’re my friend, but they’re right, you’re totally shallow,” and Heather’s like, “I have friends from all walks of life but they don’t talk about their walks, you know?” and basically the theme is that Bubbies is just terrible and then they go, “Ok now let’s hug!”  I’m sorry, come again?  What was that?  Bubbies understandably doesn’t feel like singing Kumbaya around the campfire with these women and leaves the table to be alone in her room.

Gretchen tries to go down and talk to Bubbies in her room, but Bubbies just won’t have it.  Gretchen didn’t “have her back” (what are we, the Bloods and the Crypts btw? Why do all the housewives insist upon using that phrase) and so Bubbies wants her to stuff her sorries in her Louis Vuitton sack.  Gretchen comes back to the table, defeated by Bubbies’ nonwillingness to listen to how she feels about what just went down in the infamous Costa Rica Dinner Party form Hell (It had to happen folks).  Vicki says, “I don’t have any problems with Bubbies, I think she’s a great girl.”  Sooooo, why didn’t you say something when she was at the table?  But then she says she’ll go down and try to comfort her.  Oh Gretchen doesn’t like this one bit.  She knows Bubbies is going to let Vicki in just to spite her.  And spite her she did, as Vicki barged in and began the healing process for herself -AHEM- I mean for Bubbies.  This is how Vicki’s little comfort sesh went:

“I know how you’re feeling, this happened to me, remember?  You did this to me a couple years back in San Francisco when you all ganged up on me and I felt totally attacked by all of you and I feel inferior, you know?  I don’t have the perfect body and I have acne on my face and I don’t have perfect fingernails but I have a good soul, you know?  I just have a hearty soul with sunshine in it and that makes me feel real good so I try to be happy every day but sometimes it’s just hard, but I get through it because I work! Woooohoooo!  What were we talking about again?”
What is funny is that when Gretchen went down to the room making it all about her feelings saying, “Do you know what this is doing to me?” Bubbies would have none of it, but when Vicki came in and gave a thirty minute monologue about how her feelings were affected Bubbies said to us, “Vicki did make it all about herself but she was just trying to make me feel better so it’s ok.”  Bubbies, do you know what a “double standard” is?  Didn’t think so.
Alright, enough of that.  The next morning Bubbies looks like she got socked in the face by the Cry Monster.  Poor Bubbies.  Heather comes in and tries to make nice, and they all head to the beach.  Bubbies makes sure to thank Vicki in the van in front of everyone for coming into her room to comfort her the night before, and none for Gretchen Weiners.
Everyone is playing nice because it’s daytime and huge fights can only break out at dinner parties.  They get to the beach where Bravo has provided a lovely amount of “champs” to get the ball rolling while the cameras are rolling.  I luurve Heather, and I luuuuuuurve champagne, but if I had to hear her say “champs” una mas tiempo…

The beach was beautiful.  I’ve actually been to Playa de Manuel Antonio in Costa Rica with Ken, and I can attest to its beauty.  It’s certainly enough to make you forget your troubles.  Unless you’re Bubbies.  There were little monkeys and raccoons that came to check out the housewives (you guys should know I have an irrational fear of both monkeys and raccoons) and it reminded me of last night’s dinner.  Bubbies takes Gretchen aside to talk about the night before.  Bubbies tells her how she felt Gretchen was making it all about her, Vicki barged in and she had no choice, and Heather is carrying a $1200 Chanel bag in the jungle (did you know? $25,000) so really, what sets Bubbies aside from the rest of the gang?  Gretchen’s like, “I love you and you’re my friend and I don’t want you to be hurt.  But sometimes you come off as snobby and pretentious.  Just sayin’.”  Bubbies asks her for specific examples, then doesn’t give her time to give them (good war tactic Bubbies, perhaps we’ve underestimated you) and then tells Gretchen that she can’t just make presumptions and accusations and modifications and allegations and salutations without hard evidence.  Good talk ladies.
A lesson in appropriate and inappropriate behavior, by Vicki Gunvalson:
“It is inappropriate to run around in your swimsuit on the beach.”
Thanks Vicki.

Bubbies left for her early flight so she could take care of her children and husband because she doesn’t have any nannies, in case you missed that.  After Bubbies left, a sense of peace fell over the group and they laughed and played and tickled each other.  Tamra and Gretchen sufficiently embarrassed Heather and Vicki by rubbing their butts on them and humping their faces.  The look on the monkey’s face said it all.
Next the plan was to plant trees in the rainforest.  There were different types, and each woman got to choose one.  Tamra chose  the “Stinking Toe” tree because Eddie’s feet are ugly.  I’m sure he appreciated her saying that on national television.  While planting the trees, Vicki goes into one of her emotional breakdowns that she’s become quite known for this season.  She realizes and points out that one day all of them will die.  She decides to plant a tree for Bubbies since they’re all going to die and everything.  While sobbing, she digs the hole and before she can place it in, Bubbies tree makes a flying leap off if itself and plunges to its death.  The irony of the whole thing is not lost on Heather, nor is it lost on me. 

Vicki thinks the whole tree planting thing is romantic and intertwines them with nature and heaven.  She puts her arms up like a tree (have any of you seen the movie Nell with Jody Foster?  Vicki does the “teees in da wiiiiiiiiin” move- it’s glorious) and talks of foreverness and friendship, and then they all walk away carrying their Chanel totes and their Louis Vuitton clutches, as the baby trees look on at them in horror.
The last adventure of the trip is white water rafting.  The ladies get a quick lesson in survival by a guide who is secretly hoping they all get dumped in the river where only the strongest survive, and learn that there are piranhas in the water that carry the same hope.  Reluctantly, they climb in the raft and are immediately swept out, and the adventure and the fear ensue. 

Let me tell you folks, between the piranhas and the screaming, I would choose death by tiny bites.  The women were howling as they flew down the rapids, wildly pumping their oars to no avail.  I luuuurved Heather, the Buddist Jew, who kept yelling “Jesus Christ!”
After surviving the river, the ladies park the raft and disembark.  Vicki is crying (AGAIN) saying that she’s done a lot of adventurous things, including sky diving, but this time she really thought they were all going to die.  Is Vicki menopausal?  Her crying fits are highly suspect.
Heather has to leave for her flight, and they all say their goodbyes.  Vicki tells Heather to fly safely, and to call her every day for the rest of her life, which was clearly the best line of the season thus far.  I’m going to start saying that to people. 
“This was fun!  We should do it again sometime!  Now call me every day for the rest of your life.”

Only three remain, and they are Gretchen, Tamra, and a highly emotional Vicki.  As they enjoy a cold beer, Vicki begins to talk about Donn.  She’s worried he’ll be sad without her, that he’ll miss her cooking that she never did, and that he won’t be able to move on even though whenever someone calls her out about how quickly she’s moved on she is quick to point out that Donn has also been dating.  Oh Vicki, Donn needs to find his own happiness which happens every time he opens a Corona, so not to worry.  Vicki sobs that she only has one life, and she’s happy.  For now.
Next week Vicki gets Brooks’ teef fixed because she’s not his sugar momma, Bubbies makes more news bubbles, Eddie takes Tamra to Bora Bora to propose supposedly, and Gretchen tells Slade off hardcore.  Until then my sweets, it’s good to be back!

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