Friday, June 29, 2012
As the World Turns and the Fur Flies: A Very Orange County Finale
Aren’t the finale parties just the best you guys? Tamra Barney knows how to stay on a TV show doesn’t she? I mean, two years ago at the Four Seasons she decided she was divorcing Simon and told him to go f**k himself, last year she threw wine in the face of the woman who not only got her on the show but actually was the reason the show ever existed, and this year she causes a shouting match over the “evil eye” accusation of the century. Do you think an evil eye ran over Tamra’s puppy when she was a child?? She has extreme emotional reactions to evil eyes. Let’s begin…
We open with the “Sha aat ma baw” saga coming to a close. Sarah is still having vodka-induced anxiety over the fact that “it was just a tiny piece of the bow” so she bombards Heather in her kitchen to talk about it some more because when you’re hammered, you think talking is a good thing. I’m sorry, and I’ll admit this probably makes me a bad person but I’m made out of plastic, right, so f**ck it. How funny was it when Sarah was drunk-crying with her face all shocked-like and her hair all askew and pathetically demanded of Heather, “Really Heather?? Over a bow???” Heather is just like, “SOMEBODY GET THIS CRAZY BEEZY THE HELL OUTTA HERE!” She calls in the Calvary, “I need my husband! Terry! Tamra! Gretchen! Bubbies!” And like little minions they all come a’runnin’.
How awesome was Bubbies with her indignant, “What’s the major problem here?!? What’s the serious problem?!?!” The serious problem, my dear Bubbies, is that you brought a drunk crazy bitch to the party and left her alone to verbally slur-attack the hostess in her kitchen. To all of our surprise, our favorite “dead beat dad” Slade steps up and tells Bubbies to tone it down seventeen notches and that Sarah has GOTSTA go. Heather says, “The Sarah chapter is closing now.” I’m going to start saying that ALL THE TIME. The chaotic scene in the kitchen was comical to say the least. You had the catering staff who were like, WTF? Then you had the entire cast huddled around Sarah with her yelling, “REALLY?? Over a bow????” and Bubbies putting her hands in peoples’ faces going, “Can someone tell me what the serious problem is here?!?” and Gretchen telling Bubbies to get her hand out of Slade’s face, and Tamra cheering on the drama, and Heather just wants to drink her champs.
Ultimately, Slade escorted Sarah out along with some random who clearly really wanted to be on camera that evening. There, on the front porch, came the best line ever to come out of someone’s mouth in Real Housewives history and yes, I am including, “Prostitution Whore!” and it was Sarah who let these words pitifully escape her filler-filled lips:
“Really, over a cake? Is this the world we live in?”
I literally couldn’t even type that without cackling. If you don’t watch the show, please know this was one of those “you had to be there” moments. It was SO DRAMATIC. I wanted to be like, “Hey Crazy, is this the world we live in where getting kicked out of a party warrants a line like ‘Is this the world we live in?’”
After Sarah left there was no more drama and everyone had a great time. JUST KIDDING.
But there was a happy moment with Gretchen and Tamra, and by happy I mean vomit-inducing. Gretchen took Tamra aside privately to give her a….you guessed it. A friendship bracelet!!! It’s black because Tammy allllllllways wears black and it has a key that opens the heart box on the friendship bracelet Tamra gave Gretchen in episode one, and it’s sparkly cause they’re both sparkly and weeeeeeeeeee special friend time. What did I tell you guys last season? Think back. I said Tamra and Gretchen would make peace this year because otherwise they would get kicked the hell off this show for having the same story line for twenty-three seasons. You’re welcome. It’s a gift, really. I tell Housewives future.
Just when everyone is all bunny tails and rainbow tutus, who shows up but the all-mightly Jim-God himself, in the flesh. He struts straight up to Bubbies and Bubbies’ little brain makes a poo poo when she sees him. She’s so excited because who is she without her Lord and Savior??? Heather and Terri feel a liiiiittle differently though. You would think Jim-God was either really God or was built like Hulk Hogan with how scared Terry appeared. Heather just had a hard case of the awkwards, as Jim-God came upon them and blessed uponst them hisith greeting. Both Terry and Heather were stammering, “We’re just so glad you came, we’re just so glad you’re here. Can we get you anything? A drink? The blood of your son perhaps?? Ha ha, bad joke, sorry. We’re a little nervous because we talk shit about your wife all the time and now you’re here and you’re eerily calm and we are expecting a locust army to fly overhead any minute now and ha ha ha is that Ferragamo you’re wearing??”
Jim-God was polite, but indeed jarringly composed for this group. He took the beverage and greeted the people. As they stood in a circle trying to be civil, Bubbies exclaimed (in my best Marilyn Monroe mock voice, no offense to Ms. Monroe) “You guys should talk because it’s just uncomfortable otherwise,” which is kind of ironic because it wasn’t really that uncomfortable until she said that. Jim-God bestowiths upon her his wrath and says, “So I guess you wear the pants now?” Whoaaaa, cray. If Ken said that to me in front of a bunch of people I’d snap, “So I guess you have to purchase your sex on a street corner from Hooker Barbie now since you won’t be getting any from me.” But alas, Jim-God succumbed to Bubbies’ request and stepped aside to have a mano-a-mano chat with Terry. They sat down, assigning positions on the white couches like manly men: “You sit there. I sit here.” And then it went a little something like this:
Jim-God: I heard you said my wife was the phoniest person in the world.
Terry: Well, not the whole world…
And before they could even attempt a glove slapping match or a sword fight in Bubbies’ honor, Heather comes over and has a seat next to her husband. Do the Dubrows think Jim-God is going to resort to violence? They seem a little paranoid, no? The gentlemen continue to have a relatively gentlemen-like conversation in which Terry tries to explain where he was coming from on his “phony” comment instead of trying to deny it entirely which I think we were all respecting, and then it all comes to an abrupt end when Tamra the Drama-Tornado blows in and with the smuggest grin on her face pops a squat next to Heather. Jim-God pops up like a pogo stick with hemorrhoids and announces he’s outta there. He doesn’t want a huge scene, an ambush, a he-said-she-said bullshit sandwich. He straight takes off without even telling Bubbies even. He was in a hurry. Can you blame the guy? I mean did you see the look on Tamra’s face?? Bubbies finds out he took off, runs out after him, chases down the car that is about to pull out of the driveway yelling, “Babe! Babe?” and climbs inside to support her man, her God, the legend that is Jim-God. The one person on this show who can walk away before a fight even occurs. Bravo Jim-God.
Meanwhile, back at the party, the remaining cast members and their significant others sit down for a toast. All seems to be well at this point. Everyone has their champs and there are laughs a-plenty. They raise a toast to something I can’t remember, and then Vicki (who has a new fur coat btw, did you hear? $25,000) toasts to Bubbies who was the only housewife missing. Apparently when she does this, Tamra rolls her eyes at Vicki because she hates Bubbies with every fiber of her being for no justifiable reason. Hating Bubbies is like hating a kitten with Alzheimer’s. It’s just like, why? Ok so it’s a little fuzzy at this point because the camera didn’t really catch the infamous eye roll, but when Tamra made her sour face at Vicki, Brooks said something to her like, “You don’t wanna go there.” Then he began murmuring in Vicki’s ear, “She’s giving you the evil eye.” Tamra laughs it off a bit at first and says, “I’m not giving her the f**king evil eye.” But then, seemingly without much build up, all hell breaks loose. Tamra’s yelling, “I DIDN’T GIVE HER THE F**KING EVIL EYE!!!” and Brooks just keeps whispering to Vicki, “She’s giving you the evil eye” (excuse me for a moment so I can laugh at this nonsense, ok moving on) and then Tamra just completely loses her shit altogether. She stands up and almost clears the table and is in Brooks’ face pointing her angry little finger yelling, “YOU QUIT TELLING HER I’M GIVING HER THE EVIL EYE!!” While this was starting Vicki was sort of quiet, but at this point she pipes up and says, “Eddie, control your woman,” at which point Tamra’s head spins all the way around and as she’s projectile vomiting pea soup she screams, “HE DOESN’T CONTROL ME!! I DON’T LET MY MAN CONTROL ME!! STOP TRYING TO CONTROL HER!!!!!!” and then Vicki jumps onto her feet and completely outdoes Tamra’s childlike temper tantrum scream voice with an adult, scary scream voice and screams, “HE DOESN’T CONTROL ME!!! WE’RE LEAVING! WHO ARE YOU, YOU PSYCHO!!!!” And with Tamra yapping behind them like a Chihuahua that’s just been bitch slapped by a Bichon, Vicki and Brooks attempt to make their exit. The best part of this was the looks on Heather and Terry’s faces. They were CLASSIC.
So as Vicki and Brooks try to find their way out of the gigantic house, Tamra is chasing after them yelling terrible nothings in their direction. Vicki whirls around and tells a bitch off.
“YOU DO NOT TALK TO HIM OR ME LIKE THAT! YOU BE QUIET NOW!! YOU’RE SUPPOSED TO BE MY FRIEND, MY SOULMATE, MY SISTER!!! WE’RE OUTTA HERE!!!!” And then Vicki tells us, the audience, “No more friendship. I’m done.”
Vicki and Brooks get as far as the driveway because whenever Vicki gets pissed and threatens to leave she only gets as far as the driveway. Tamra runs back into the party and tries to cry, but her face won’t allow it. The botox is rebelling against the moment. She runs to Briana (Vicki’s daughter for my readers who don’t watch the show) and tattle tales on Vicki. Briana agrees with the fact that her mom is blind, deaf, and dumb to anything not Brooks.
Briana and her new husband Ryan go to the driveway in search of her mom who she knows would have only gotten as far as the driveway. There, Heather is trying to convince Vicki to stay just long enough to hear Heather’s special toast. Briana tries to explain to her mom where Tamra is coming from in her concerns about Brooks, which Briana agrees with even if she doesn’t agree with Tamra’s delivery. She tries to convince Vicki to come back to the party, calm down, and try to hear out her long time friend. When that proved to be impossible, Briana tried to convince Vicki to just come back to the party. That didn’t work either, Vicki flat out refused. That is, until Brooks was like, “Let’s go back to the party,” and then Vicki was like, “Ok!” and Briana was like, “WTF, you listen to him but not your own daughter? This is bullshit!” and everyone goes back to the party, but no one is happy.
Heather gives her special toast in which she quotes the old song where new friends are silver and the old ones are gold. Then she makes a very Heather-like analogy as she looks around the group in which she says that she sees a lot of precious metal. Awwwwww. Then she announces that all the glasses of champagne have a diamond in them and one of them is real! As if that were not fancy enough, she has a jeweler at the party who will weigh each to find which one is, and guess who wins. Think of the person who least deserves a prize at this party. It’s TAMRA!!! In all fairness I feel I must mention Tamra is giving the diamond away to an engaged couple with the best love story posted on her “Wines by Wives” web page, so that’s nice Tammy Sue, your heart three sizes grew.
Just when we thought the crazy train had made a maintenance stop, Vicki comes up to Heather at the head of the group right after her toast and makes her own toast. Now, mind you, it’s not only the housewives at this point, it’s all of Heather’s other guests as well. Vicki walks up in all her furry glory and says with her head and her glass held high, “And I’m with Brooks and he’s my man and we’re together and you’re either in or out.” And everyone was thinking, “What is this Russian Bear talking about??”
And so we end with the little epilogues that tell us either nothing or something we already knew thanks to the internet. As Gretchen said, they are one big dysfunctional, f**ked up family, and that’s why we luuuuurve them. I can honestly say I will miss the ladies of Orange County. They are ten kinds of cray, and oh soooo divinely entertaining.
Next week is the reunion and it promises to be a big one. I’m stoked. I may or may not write on the reunion depending on the material. I’ll probably just project my opinion on all of you and disguise it as something factual. Until then my friends, enjoy your summer weekend!