Tuesday, July 3, 2012

Yummy Tummy vs. Pinot Grigio: Londongate Strikes Again

Oh heyyyyyy friends.  Happy Tuesday!  Nope, you’re not dreaming.  I am blogging New York, and I must say I’m rather excited about it.  Now that Orange County is coming to a close, I have more plastic brain capacity for our East Coast ladies antics.  So let us begin…

First of all, Princess Carole Radziwill (pictured above) is my favorite housewife of all time.  That is all for my first of all.

We open with Aviva, our new member of the group who has a prosthetic leg, a mountain of anxieties, and one of the best wardrobes I have ever seen.  She is meeting with Heather, our other newbie, whose smile genuinely frightens me and I have to look away sometimes.  Below you will find Skipper’s contribution to this blog entry- she worked a long time on this side by side:
You’re welcome, says Skipper.
The ladies meet in a park, which it seems that they luuuurrve to do.  There is already big drama because Heather invited all the ladies from the cast to London to join her on an extended work trip EXCEPT Ramona who she doesn’t like because Ramona told her she talks too much (she does) and she makes Heather uncomfortable.  Now, we all know Ramona is looney tunes, bat shit cray cray, BUT come on Heather.  Really?  That’s a pretty major move pretty early in the game.  Either this chick is not that bright, luuuurves to stir shit up, or has a set of balls on her that could choke a donkey.  I think it’s all of the above.
Aviva tries to explain to Heather that the whole “exclude only Ramona” thing was a bitch move, given as she invited the whole rest of the cast.  Heather’s argument is that she doesn’t want to be uncomfortable or embarrassed on this trip, and she thinks Ramona will make her feel both.  She will!  But you signed up to be on this show, so you better get used to being uncomfortable and embarrassed betch! HOLLA

If you remember anything about my NY blog last season, you know I find it difficult to stomach the Countess DeLesseps.  Well this feeling was multiplied times ten and sprinkled with bath salts last night when we were forced to watch her go through acupuncture to make her Mertle more fertile, and listen to her talk about her and Juju Magoo’s baby-making habits.  I mean honestly LuAnn.  At 47 years old, by all means do what you gotta do but do we have to talk about it???  Also, I feel the strong need to point out that she told the doc that she and Pepe le Pew have been trying to make babies for two years, but she JUST asked her daughter if that was cool last week for the cameras.  So without much detail since I did fast forward through this scene of awkward tingles, you should know that LuAnn and Zou Bisous are trying to have a baby without IVF, and are having a great time doing it. (Le barf)

I luuuuuuuuuurve me some Sonja Morgan, my GAWD that woman is zany.  She’s the best kind too because she knows she is!  Sonja Morgan needs minions, and a tiny army of them at that.  Sonja Morgan scurries about in her pjs, spouting out half-instructions to each minion intern who doesn’t know why they are working for someone who doesn’t seem to ever be working, but who do not care because damn, she is entertaining.  Sonja Morgan gets checks for a dollar from American Express, takes poop pills on national TV and doesn’t give a fuuuuuuck, and drinks tap water everywhere she goes because she used to own five houses, a yacht, and 75 staff members yet is too cheap for Pellegrino now that she’s bankrupt.
Sonja Morgan meets Aviva for drinks to discuss their mutual affinity for blouses with bows on them which my Ken fondly refers to as “pirate shirts” when I wear them (anything with a large sleeve gets, “I see you’re wearing a flying squirrel shirt today”) and whether or not Ramona and Sonja had a real fight at Sonja’s soiree.  This is the reason we adore our dearest Sonja Morgan, because Sonja Morgan simply states, “Ramona was just being Ramona.  She lets me be me and I let her be her.”  Ahhhh that was a nice breath of fresh air.  Aviva shared her affection for Ramona and her desire to not make her feel excluded, and Sonja Morgan was like, “Umm, is this tap water?  Do you know?  Because I only drink tap water.”
Onto my favoritest favorite, and not only because she’s a princess.  Carole goes on a date with a dude who takes an awkward amount of time to process everything she says.  It’s probably due to the language barrier, but also may be due to the fact that we find out he is around fifteen years than our witty princess.  She sips her drink and asks the edgy questions like the seasoned journalist that she is:

Princess:  What do you do?
Date:  (15 second pause)  I design men’s fashion.
Princess:  And you’ve never been married?  Are you gay??
Date: (15 second pause) No.  I’ve been asked to design clothes for Rick Perry.
Princess:  Oh my god, you’re not a Republican are you?
Date:  (15 second pause) No, I’m a pussy.
Princess to camera:  Did he just say pussy?
Date:  (15 second pause) I’m spussy.  No that’s not the word. (Is he saying specific?  Picky? Democrat?  WTF)
At the end of the date she found out he was 31 and then it all made sense.  The date was mostly research for her newest book anyway so no sweat off Carole’s back: she’s as cool as a cat, as she puts it.  Ahhhh I’m thrilled to welcome to the pack: A cool, laid back, incredibly smart, hippie-minded, democratic, chic, stylish, beautiful, potty-mouthed, downtown, tells-it-like-it-is, no drama Princess.
Speaking of which, Carole meets Ramona downtown for a drink before they meet up with Heather and Aviva for a shopping date Heather scheduled as a peace-offering for not inviting Ramona to London (that will go over well, I’m sure).  Ramona asks Carole how she should handle Heather, but of course we know all of Ramona’s questions are rhetorical.  She knows all the answers already, obvi.  Carole says she would not worry about it, and to not approach Heather to discuss on the shopping trip.  She suggests Ramona just try to be nice and show her what she’ll be missing not having her in London.  Of course this went through one end of Ramona’s pinot glass and out the other.  Ramona knows she’s going to do something on this ominous shopping trip, but what yet, we cannot be sure…

Aviva and Heather are first to arrive to Curve, or whatever the store is called.  The owner is a friend of Heather’s because with a smile like this….
When the store owner tries to get Aviva to try on shoes, Aviva is stand-offish and tells her she doesn’t want to attract attention to her feet.  It’s a reasonable stance on its own.  Heather, however, feels the need to share with the store owner (and everyone in the store) that Aviva has a prosthetic leg due to an accident in her childhood and you couldn’t ever tell just by looking at her unless you just told everyone.  Talk much Heather??  HOLLA
Ramona and Carole soon join and the shopping fun commences.  Except it doesn’t because Carole has to take an important phone call outside and Ramona is left in the store with Heather and Aviva.  The store owner and a couple of associates hand piece after piece to Ramona to try on and Ramona sends piece after piece away with a wave of her hand and a look of disgust.  Is it a mini-skirt?  No?  Is it a long chain necklace?  No?  Is it a pair of black tights and knee high boots?  No??  THEN WHY THE HELL ARE YOU GIVING IT TO RAMONA???

Of course Heather is embarrassed by this because she’s basically embarrassed by everything Ramona Singer which, how could you blame her really.  So instead of just ignoring her and then explaining to her friend later that she’s crazy, Heather takes Ramona aside to talk to her about London.  Heather basically says, “Yeah, I didn’t invite you to London because I didn’t think you liked me and I don’t like you, but I’m not mad that you said I talk too much, which Aviva told me you said by the way.”
As Heather finished putting her books into her locker before heading off to gym class, Ramona responded with, “Well Aviva told me you were mad at me about that and I couldn’t understand because you said I talk too much too but I’m not offended and besides you DO talk too much but you should totally bring me to London.  Let’s get Aviva over here.”
Fearing she might be late to Algebra, Aviva hurries over and is met with, “You told her that I was mad at her but I wasn’t mad at her so why’d you tell her that?”  And Aviva was like, “You told me that.” And then one of the other two was like, “No I didn’t,” and then Aviva was like, “I’m going to be late to Algebra you guys.”  And then Heather basically was like, “Well, I’m not inviting you to London but I don’t have a problem with you,” and then Ramona was like, “My nail polish lasts for three weeks and I can balance a glass of Pinot Grigio on my head!  Let’s take a break!”   Ahhhh, good ol’ Ramonacoaster.

Carole comes in with exciting news- her second book has been made into a TV pilot and the network luuuurved it (duh)!  She tells the girls, and there is jumping and squealing and happy bombs going off all around and then Ramona says, “Well since we’re sharing good news, I found out yesterday they’re going to sell Ramona Pinot at Target!”  *Crickets* 
Seriously, is it any wonder they keep this woman on the show?  That’s TV gold people.

I will leave you with that for now friends.  Tune in next week to see if the girls in London or the girls in New York have a better time.  Until next time my luuurves…

No comments:

Post a Comment