Wednesday, July 18, 2012
Stolen Jobs, Stolen Hearts, & Stolen Secrets: A True Tale from the OC
Welcome back Friends. At the request of my former Canadian roommate, I am blogging the reunion; mostly the second part because it was thrilling. For the record, Canadians make the BEST roommates ever. You cannot anger them, no matter how cray you are, not that I am of course. I am an angel. Angel Barbie. Anyway, shall we begin?...
Heather vs. Bubbies
You all know I am a Heather fan, and not so much a Bubbies fan, though she makes for pretty excellent TV. On this whole “phony” argument, bringing up the crew was an interesting tidbit we didn’t know before. This is what I love about the reunions. OK, so the people at Nordstroms, Neiman’s, and Saks all say Bubbies treats them like her minions, according the Heather and some of the other ladies. As I type this I realize how much I don’t care *sigh*. But just in case you do: I can see how hearing that, paired with seeing the poor treatment of the crew would bring about a talk from the other ladies. But honestly, if she doesn’t get it, throw in the towel. Bubbies, Jim-God love her, is just not that bright. I don’t think she’s being malicious, she’s just kind of, well, dumb. Which is fine! Bubbies grew up in Missouri with dreams of being a California buxom blonde with a rich husband. Two outta three ain’t bad as they say. So maybe she does stick up her nose to the people who help her try on shoes. Maybe she used to be the shoe salesperson in ol’ BoeDunk, MO and people treated her like crap and now she wants to get back at the shoe world. I don’t think she’s smart enough to harbor ill feelings though quite honestly.
Bubbies lives in Bubbiesland where nose jobs run free and Princess/Puppy Parties are the appropriate place to tell your gruesome birth story. Heather, you are not playing on even ground my dear, let’s just leave poor Bubbies alone. And that’s what Heather finally did. Tamra on the other hand, screamed at her and called her “Jesus Jugs.” Always with the tag lines, that one. I bet that pissed more than one or two Christians off something fierce.
Gretchen vs. Bubbies
Again, Bubbies never stood a chance. Let’s start with the Fox Five Scandal. I had to stand up and cheer when Gretchen busted out the telling emails BECAUSE in all the reunions in all the cities, of all the times one of these harpies has exclaimed, “And I have the emails to prove it!” Gretchen is the first to actually pull the emails out of a magical couch pillow with her perfect manicure and bitch-slap Bubbies with them. The emails were fairly vague. They basically hinted that Fox Five had asked Gretchen to do basically the same thing as Bubbies, but before Bubbies was offered the position, so pretty much exactly what Gretchen had said. Bubbies then presented emails from months later asking if they had offered any other OC housewife the position. This is where my “Bubbies ain’t that bright” argument comes into play. The email (from someone who was not the same person who emailed Gretchen) said that they would not offer the position to anyone else. Ok…that doesn’t really address the issue, but in Bubbies tiny mind that put it to rest. When the knocking on Bubbies brain got so loud she had to answer the damn door, she finally relented that, regardless of whether or not Gretchen was offered the position, there was a better way to go about telling her than the way Gretchen did. This I agree with. Gretchen could have done this off camera, or broken it to her more easily then a stoic, “I’m glad you got to do this since they were trying to get me to do it instead.” It came across to me that Gretchen was already annoyed by Bubbies’ behavior at that point. The major reason that I think Gretchen is telling the truth of Bubbies’ change in behavior once she became friends with Tamra: Peggy Tanous. AND Gretchen got along with Heather! It was too much for Bubbies to handle, and Bubbies can handle a lot. I mean look at those boom booms.
The best part of this battle was when Gretchen said something that I can’t even remember, and then Bubbies was like, “Well you have fake hair and fake lips and you lie about that!” Gretchen had to admit that she had her lips plumped by more than her make-up line’s lip plumper. Gretch, honey, that’s like being at alcoholics’ anonymous and having to admit you’re an alcoholic. Shake it off.
Tamra vs. Bubbies
Tamra’s Hair: “You are PSYCHOTIC Jesus Jugs!!!”
Bubbies’ Jugs: “Hey, what did we do??”
Ok this is where it starts getting good.
Brooks vs. Tamra
Why does Vicki look like she’s about to walk into a Venus Fly Trap wearing nothing but a thong? Because Brooks is coming out to face the ladies and she knows this ain’t gonna be fun. How many of us wish this reunion aired after the 20/20 special on Brooks (everyone raises their hand). OK, so Brooks came out to battle Tamra’s hair. He was as goofy as ever. He said his “southern charm” is what causes him to come across as less than genuine, and is the reason he constantly affirms Vicki with his daily affirmations. It’s because he’s southern ya’ll! Now, as far as his affections for Vicki: Who couldn’t love a controlling, cray-ass lady who works all the time and tells everyone what to do and how to do it and tells you what to pack, how to dress, to get your teeth done cause you look like a hick meth addict, provides you with a car and spending money and humps your brains out because it’s been twenty years since she’s gotten any? WOOHOO! Love ya Vick.
In all fairness, when any of the rest of us hate our best friend’s boyfriends we do the normal thing and talk shit about them to our other best friends and wait it out until our best friend comes to her senses and dumps his ass, and THEN talk shit about him to her. Vicki has a few things going against her:
1. She chose Tamra as a best friend. This broad isn’t exactly known for keeping her opinions to herself.
2. Vicki gave everyone else SO much shit about their men (Slade, Jim-God, Simon, Matt Keough) that it literally PAINS them to not give her shit back.
3. Briana doesn’t like Brooks which makes it legit in my mind because, as Dame Andy Cohen said, Briana hasn’t not made sense since the moment we met her.
Tamra confronts Brooks about the Evil Eye fiasco. She points out that he said “Evil Eye” instead of rolling her eyes, which is DIFFERENT. And any of us loyal viewers know “Evil Eye” is a sore spot for Ms. Barney. Tams tells Brooks he’s not a woman and should act like a man. Brooks tells Tamra taking love advice from her is like taking financial advice from someone who is bankrupt. Taking love or financial advice from either of these two is like asking your gold fish if he thinks you should take the job and move to Atlanta or stay because your boyfriend wants to be closer to his family.
The best part of this battle was when Brooks said he was “protecting his lady.” And Tamra asked, “From an eye roll?!?!” And you could see his little hamster wheel spinning thinking, “That does sound so stupid but I’m in it up to my ears now…” and then he forced out a meek, “Yes.”
Briana vs. Vicki
Brooks won’t sit out there with Briana because he knows she’s going to ask him the tough questions like, “What do you ACTUALLY do for a living?” and “How many kids do you ACTUALLY have?” so he exits and she comes out. Briana’s pregnant if you didn’t know. Vicki threw her a wedding sans Housewives, + one crook. Briana answers all of Andy’s blah blah boring questions and then it starts getting good. She says her and the Mister are living in Coto with Vicki, as is Donn because Vicki needs help with the mortgage. This wasn’t ok for Jeana Kough, but it is for Vicki, see how that works? Anywhoo, Brooks isn’t allowed to live there while Briana does because he gives her a case of the uber creeps. She basically says he can’t answer direct questions and avoids her as much as possible. That’s what con men do Briana, it’s not personal. Then Vicki says some defensive bullshit and Briana outs that she was basically having some sort of affair with Brooks before it was officially over with Donn. She tells how Vicki would leave the room and get a text from Brooks, “I love you, Happy Thanksgiving.” That DOES sound like Brooks. His Card of the Day read:
“Vicki, as I stare at this beheaded turkey before me, I am overcome with love for you. For as this turkey has squawked his last gobble, my love for you is neverending. Like the gravy on my mashed potatoes, lust for you flows freely through my veins. It will never dry out like this stuffing. You are the green beans to my casserole. Also, I need to borrow your car next Tuesday. Shouting my Love from Rooftops, Brooks”
Next came a revelation that shocked me to my plastic core. In retaliation for Briana spilling the beans on Vicki’s pre-break-up hook-up, Vicki word-vomited, “Well my husband’s been having an affair for twenty years!” OH NO SHE DI’N’T. Not our Donn!! Not our pug-loving, khaki-shorts wearing, river-going Donn!! The only affair Donn’s been having for twenty years is with Corona Light! I refuse to see Donn as an adulterer. The man cries when he’s happy for Jim-God’s sake!! But alas, Tamra and Briana confirm it is so. They nod their heads solemnly, Tamra’s weave considering jumping ship when her head is in the down position and the leap off the couch doesn’t seem so daunting. Gretchen is fuming because she was the Scarlet Letter-wearing of the gang just moments ago, but now no more. Vicki, always one to deflect blame, then accused Tamra of dating Eddie before she moved out on Simon. Vicki honey, the blonde with the crazy eyes and the Loni Anderson hair sitting across from you is named Tamra. She is from the side of the tracks you do not mess with. She will f**k you up, Coto. And that is exactly what she did with this verbal grenade:
“YOU CALLED ME FROM CABO AND TOLD ME YOU WOKE UP NAKED NEXT TO SOME DUDE!”
BOOM. Did you guys feel that? That was the demise of a friendship right there. The ladies have officially entered verbal warfare. That made Bubbies’ tattle on Gretchen’s lips look like a whole-lotta-nothin’. Vicki freaked out of course, told Tamra she was disgusting, and then Tamra pointed to Briana’s tummy and shouted, “SWEAR ON THAT BABY’S LIFE!” Jesus Jugs Tamra, you had to bring an unborn baby into it? Speaking of Jesus Jugs, Bubbies got her two cents in when she said to Tamra, “Well you were in a bath tub on TV with your boyfriend before you were legally divorced!” Oh heyyyyy Bubbies’ brain! Every once in a while…there you are.
The Point According to Barbie
The point is: None of these ladies have room to talk about any of this shit. But since they’re on a TV show and their contract requires it, here we all are. Talk about schadenfreude you guys, this one was a whopper. It was like Tyson vs. Holyfield, but with fillers. I can’t wait to see what’s in store for us next season. I, for one, will miss you cray OC betches. I’ll drink blue cheese dirty martini’s (which Briana outed as Vicki’s only on-camera signature drink- I knew it!) and count the days until your return.
Until I post RHNY my friends…