Wednesday, March 12, 2014

Parties, Apologies, and Pinot: Real Housewives of New York is Back

Let’s skip right over the part where I haven’t blogged in like a year.  I think the important thing is that I missed you all.  (Picture my tiny, cold plastic hand hard-caressing your cheek since I can’t actually move it as I say that, because that’s what I’m doing in my head to each and every one of you- you’re welcome)
This looks like it may be a tolerable season, and there’s something about the New York franchise I have a soft spot for (watching Ramona be completely insane).  So without further adieu, let’s talk about this opening episode…

I think it’s only appropriate to start with these shockingly terrible tag-lines:

“If you’re going to talk about me behind my back, at least check out my great ass.” –Carole

Et tu, Carole?  You were the cool one, remember?  You thought all of this was a huge joke and you never took any of it seriously, instead choosing to make it a campy, caricature version of its….ah ha, I get it.

“When people tell me I’m fake, I know they’re just pulling my leg.” – Aviva (I don’t know how to spell this crazy bitch’s name so it’s Aviva in this blog). 
Oh Aviva, you just won’t let us forget about that leg no matter how much you want us to forget about that leg.

“A true New Yorker never backs down, and I’m no exception.  Holla!”  - Heather

Yo Second Season Heather, I’m really happy for you and I’m gonna let you finish, but First Season Heather had one of the best “Hollas” of all time.  OF ALL TIME!  (Sidenote: my autocorrect told me “Holla” was actually the word “Jolla” which isn’t even a word in the English dictionary- that’s how badly autocorrect doesn’t want grown women saying the word “Holla!”)

“I may not be the sharpest tool in the shed, but I’m preeeeeettyyyyyy!”  -Kristen

There are no words.

“Get the Pinot ready because it’s Turtle Time.”  -Ramona

I’m always ready for Turtle Time, you nut.

“Sometimes Sonja has to go commando, what can I say?”  -Sonja

Go home Sonja, you’re drunk.

Well those are just a new kind of terrible, I think we can all agree.  Remember the first few seasons of Real Housewives of Orange County where their tag-lines were actual quotes they said during the season and not manufactured one-liners written by an orangutan with a desire for revenge because he thinks Vicki Gunvalsen stole his look?  Remember those days?  I digress…

We start with Carole and Heather at Carole’s author picture photo shoot.  Make sure you’re sitting down because I’m about to say something nice: These two seem like actual, real-life, not fakity-fake-fake friends, and I like it.  Apparently Carole and Russ broke up which we knew was going to happen so, yawn.  But despite her affinity to hot pants paired with no bra, Carole is an animal of monogamy and she’s holding out for a hero.  Whatever, Carole’s love life is boring, let’s talk about how much the photographer hated Heather.  Can we talk about that?  Next time I’m annoyed with someone, I don’t care who they are, I’m going to look them dead in the eyes and say, “How about you go sit over there.”
Cut to Ramona and Sonja being as crazy as ever.  These two are on some other kind of menopausal drug, amma right?  So Sonja tripped and fell on a gay and that gay cut her hair to look-a-like Ramona’s because he is THE BEST.  You go Glenn Coco.  It’s literally the exact same hair cut.  Ramona’s trying to be edited so she was just subtle about it, “YOU LOOK JUST LIKE ME OMG YOU BITCH!!!!! Hahahahahahaha just kidding, but not really!”  But Sonja don’t give a shit because Sonja with a sexy “j” is dating all the men.  All the men in the land.  And some of them are mad at each other but Sonja don’t give a shit.  Sometimes she’s just goes commando and dates e’rybody.  Who cares?  Oh, but sad-face Ramona is sad because Avery is leaving for college soon.  Do you guys remember that movie with the late Brittany Murphy and child-star Dakota Fanning, “Uptown Girls?”  I’m pretty sure Avery is the seventeen year old version of Dakota Fanning’s character.  Anyway, Sonja thinks Ramona shouldn’t be sad about these silly things like her child leaving home and that she should just start walking her own dog and get over it.  This coming from a woman who employs thirty-six interns to wipe her ass for free.
It’s Heather’s b-day party and yo-yo-you-know, she’s got all the old industry peeps there ready to celebrate straight-up Diddy style by poppin’ open some Cristal (that’s the brand name of my birth control so I can no longer think of it as fancy) and pour some out for their homies.  Did you know Heather knows PDiddy?  Back when he was Puff Daddy though, so totes different I guess since neither Did nor Dad was at the party.  Sonja brings a date from the Make-a-Wish foundation (sorry, had to do it).  Sonja has as many men as interns and they’re all completely useless.  Can you imagine that guy in the sack?  “I don’t like when people talk about my age! wahhh What goes in there? durrrrr”  Sonja, honey, I highly suggest trying someone on who is BETWEEN the ages of 20 and 80.  Extremes are not always a good thing.
Everyone meet Kristen.  She a mom/model/bosser of nannies.  Isn’t she preeeeeeettyyyyyy?  Her husband is Josh, who she sort of hates.  He’s an entrepreneur.  They make a great team except when she’s hating him.  She also hates her kids just a little bit.  She would like to write a book called, “I Love My Kids but This Fucking Sucks!”  So that’s sweet. 
OMG here comes Avivaaaaaaaaa!  This woman is upside-down-in-a-cave bat shit crazy.  She’s like an episode of “American Horror Story.”  While Aviva is at the party, she hits up Carole, in front of other people, to help her write her own memoir, and actually Carole, can you edit it?  Just a little.  No pressure, she just asked you in front of strangers at a party.  Oh, and she hasn’t seen you in like six months but yeah.  Can you start Monday?  Crazy Town also hits up Sonja to let her know that she’s sowwwwwwry she said that Sonja was a pathetic slut of an alcoholic, she didn’t mean it!  Sonja, being the little kitten-hearted pathetic slut of an alcoholic that she is, accepts this apology right away.  A win for Crazy!  Aviva then goes in for the kill on Ramona but Ramona is jaded as all hell so she’s not as easy a nut to crack.  She was eerily calm and make-sense though; did anyone else think Aviva was about to be New York’s forty-seventh stabbing death in 2013?  Aviva tells Ramona that Ramona’s got a couple years on her, so she wants her to “show her the way.”  WTF?  She wants them to inspire each other, to lift each other up.  More than anything, Aviva just wants a hug.  The entire time you could see that Ramona was genuinely frightened by this Jekyll and Hyde and I had to conclude that Aviva is hands-down, and I’m counting Kelly Bensimon, the craziest bitch ever to appear on this franchise because if you can stand there and make Ramona look like the normal one, you belong in an institution eating out of a straw.  Now let’s celebrate our differences.
Cut to Kristen waiting on her darling husband on their date night.  I’ll have you all know, a certain favorite friend of mine, let’s just call her Skipper, accidentally kept me waiting by myself in a restaurant for 30 minutes because her dentist appointment ran way over.  You know what I did?  I drank a martini, ordered her one, then drank hers.  Then she felt so bad she ended up paying the tab for dinner.  It’s a win-win-win you guys.  This Kristen chick isn’t quite as easy going.  Josh walks in, Kristen berates him incessantly for being late and making her look like a lonely embarrassed dumb-dumb, then he gives her a pair of diamonds earrings, she relents and quite literally offers him a blow job.  Ok, in case you didn’t know, this woman is best friends with Brandi Glanville.  It’s all coming together in your head now, isn’t it.
The Tea Party at Sonja’s house is pretty much what we’ve come to expect.  Twenty-seven different types of tea sandwiches and not a plate in sight.  Does this remind anyone else of the pretty toaster oven box without a toaster to live in it?  We meet Sonja’s interns who can’t hear doorbells nor open champagne (YOU’RE FUCKING FIRED) and also meet Sonja’s new replacement dog that is not Milou, no no.  Milou would never lick the jam out of the tiny jam dish sitting innocently on the table ready to be spread across- oop!-there’s no toast.

Uhhhh, can we talk about Hat Lady for a fucking hot second?  Did she just get a chemical peel?  WEAR MAKE-UP!  The ladies start talking shit about Aviva because what else is Tea Time for, and this lady pipes in with just the BEST advice. 

“Feel her soul, not her personality,” she chimes.  “Mantra to yourself, ‘I’m not my thoughts, I’m not my job,” she coos.  “It is not our character revealed when the chips are down,” she offers.  Thanks Hat Lady.  Now here’s some powder and an upper.
Frick and Frack end up arguing practically to the death about Aviva.  While Sonja wants to forgive and move on swiftly, Ramona has dug her heels in the sand and will never, ever, ever forgive Aviva and how dare Sonja, as her friend, even suggest it!  When she’s over someone, she’s over someone, which leads me to….

Ramona agrees to have drinks with Aviva after a nicely-worded phone call Aviva has her fourth personality, the nice one, make to the Singer Residence.  Ramona arrives to the cocktail date, and sits down to Aviva immediately pouring on the compliments like hot wax on a bikini line.  Aviva tells Ramona, “I noticed at the party you look amazing,” followed by, “You’re hair looks sooooo good, it’s like….whiter….” followed by, “Let’s do tequila shots!  I have never done shots but I’m going to for the first time to prove to you that you can trust me,” and then she sprinkles in some sex jokes and a couple of hair tosses like that’s going to work…. Oop!  It does!  Ramona says all is forgiven after Aviva admits she was utterly wrong and completely psychotic in St. Barts.  But something tells me we’re not getting off the Aviva Crazy Train any time soon.  Woot Woot!  All aboard?

Until next time my lovelies,