Tuesday, October 18, 2011

Game Night Nightmares: The Second Installment

Greetings fellow housewives fans!  Look at me all on schedule!!  I know, so cray.  I can’t wait to get started so let us begin…
We return to the exact sun spot in time where we left off.  Brandi, Kyle and Kim are screaming like banshees, “You’re a Slut Pig!!” (I’m going to use that ALL the time now, know that) and “I will kill you!”  Really forty-something year old women who have children???  REALLY??  Brandi actually tried to call a “time-out” to which Kim responded by blubbering, “Oh so you’re our mom now?”  This reminds me of an argument I witnessed once on the playground when I was eight.  It was horrific.
So Kyle’s schooling Brandi on how to parent her four-year old because the whole Grass-Pee scandal was just too much for Kyle to take.  Brandi says she doesn’t think it’s even a bad thing and Kyle says, “I bet where you come from it isn’t.”  Oh no she di’n’t.  OK so at some point Brandi starts crying and I’m yelling, “Stop the madness!!” at my TV because as much as I thrive on watching other people’s drama, this was just too much.  I mean for Jim-God’s sake, the woman’s crying now and she’s on crutches.  Shouldn’t we all calm down??  Kim Richards says NO!  Brandi, in all her defensive glory, throws caution to the wind and says, “Well your sister’s been doing crystal meth in the bathroom all night!!!”  The hair extensions just officially hit the fan folks.
As if a strong gust of wind blasted them up and out of their seats, the Richards sisters were on their feet pointing, howling, screeching like hyenas.  Brandi stands up to them, one-footed, and tells them to “bring it”.  And they do.  Kim tells Brandi she’s a “goddamn bitch” and gets all up in her shiznatch, pointing her shaky little finger right in Brandi’s shaking little face.  Taylor jumps up and gets in between them (as if she could stop either one of those women, yeah right) and yells her signature “Enough!” but not before Brandi slaps Kim’s finger right out of her face, like whoa.  Brandi, if you actually think the woman’s on meth, do you really want to go up against her in a brawl with one foot?  The fact that she even stood up makes me more afraid of Brandi than any of them.
Once Taylor breaks it up kind of, Dana FINALLY gets up and says to Brandi, “I’m sorry you had a bad night.”  WHAT DANA?  I’m sorry, WHO?  WHERE?  No seriously, where in the holy realms of housewife hell were you this whole time?? 
“I’m sorry I threw the worst party in the history of party-throwing and then didn’t mediate when you grown women starting verbally punching each other in the faces and then actually made it worse by making snide little remarks while burying my face like a toddler in my friend who weights all of thirty-five pounds and is super emotionally unstable.”
Thanks Dana, you really are such a gem.  She actually says these words to Kyle (get your barf-bag ready): “Let’s go.  Let’s go on this journey, we’re together forever.”  Kyle’s like, “And this is the one I chose to like?  Yikes.”
Alright, so not really much closure at the end of this scene.  The ladies all disperse and leave and we’re all left with shocked looks on our faces and the phrase “Slut Pig” running through our minds.  What is a “Slut Pig”?  A pig that whores herself around in the mud like the hoe that she is I suppose.  Brandi strikes me more as a slut rabbit or a slut mongoose.  She’s a resourceful and stealthy slut with a dirty little mouth on her.
Alright, let’s get out of Dana’s house for the love of Jim-God.  Over at the Vandermansion (prounouced Van-der-man-seeon) Adrienne, Lisa and Kyle convene to discuss the night’s tramatic events.  As expected, Kyle’s version was just a tad bias and Adrienne was diplomatic.  Lisa of course sided with Kyle and Adrienne pondered whether or not Kyle may be in denial about some things.  Adrienne is always the voice of reason, an interesting dichotomy because her clothing choices rarely make any sense.  Adrienne, blondes should never wear fluorescent green.  It makes us look fluorescent green.
Taylor and Brandi meet for lunch at some Joe Schmo café.  Alrighty Andy Cohen my dearest, we tune in to Beverly Hills to see the glitz, the glam, the sparkle.  Not a bunch of harpies throwing swings and a freakin’ lunch date at Max’s Diner!  But I digress…
Taylor and Brandi talk about stuff I can’t remember and don’t solve anything.  I remember Taylor complimented Brandi’s hair and Brandi responded, “Thanks, it’s called dirty.”  Brandi, that’s my line you line-stealing Slut Pig.  Taylor says, “Maybe you should speak to Kyle,” cause Kyle is so level-headed and easy-going.  Brandi says that she may just be over it, but you know she is not.  We’ll see how this one plays out.
The Richards witches -I MEAN- sisters go on a little family vacay with their murder of daughters (like murder of crows, get it?).  Kim tries to explain to Kyle how she mistook air freshener as breath freshener and has been spritzing it in her mouth before, after and during meals, morning, noon and night.  WE KNOW WHAT KIM IS ON NOW YOU GUYS!!!!!!  Holy Slut Pig.  You have GOT to be kidding me!!!  This whole time Kim’s drug-o-choice has been available in any supermarket chain and none of us knew!  The random ramblings, the sliding liquid liner, the stumbling through darkness of made-up power outages:  ALL due to spraying chemicals in her mouth from a bottle that clearly states on the back that once ingested one should contact poison control immediately.  Just the other day, Kim was “working” in her office (looking at old kids photos and crying) and used some of that “breath freshener” which can also be used to clean dust off the keyboard.  And right before the trip to Sacramento with the Maloof/Nassifs she thought her breath smelled stanky so she just sprayed a little 409 in there to clean in right up!  By sprayed I mean drank.  Ahhh, mystery solved.  It wasn’t crystal meth, it was lemon pledge.  I can now sleep soundly at night.
Kim and Kyle, Kyle and Kim.  They visit their mother’s former home in Palm Desert, and, ANOTHER REVELATION!  You guys remember the infamous limo attack on last season’s finale where Kyle called Kim a “liar and an alcoholic” (only she can say it folks, nobody else) and Kim called her, I don’t know, a Slut Pig or something.  And then Kim yelled, “YOU STOLE MY GODDAMN HOUSE!”  and we were all like Whaaaaaa?  Ok here’s the skinny.  Momma Richards left her Palm Desert home to all the sisters and Kyle bought the other two out for a price that seems, at least to Kim, unreasonable.  Here’s where I think this got hairy:  Kyle bought Kim out for a ridiculously low price ($20,000, didja know?) when Kim was down on her luck and needed the cash for household cleaning products/her chase of the dragon.  Then when Kim got on her feet again (sort of, not really) she was like “Waiiiiit a tick, my share was 1/3 and Kyle paid me like 1/8 so that’s not right….” And so here we are.  In the desert.  Deserted with the two witches that escaped the mountain.
Meanwhile, back at the Vandermansion (prounouced Van-der-man-see-on) Lisa and Pandora met with… something.  It looks like if a man and a rhino beetle had sex, and the result of their union mated with an Avatar from the James Cameron blockbuster.  His name was Franc, or France, or Francois, or maybe none of those.  Who gives a Vanderpump?  Anyway, this creature has chosen “wedding planner” as his Earthly career.  Apparently he’s all the rage.  Lisa, Pandora, and Creature take a walk around the Vandergrounds.  There are like, I don’t know, fifty places to hold a 150 person wedding in the backyard, but Lisa would prefer that her little angel get married in a church in front Jim-God and Camille-Jebus because that’s just what angels do.  Ohhhh unless they’re living with they’re soon-to-be betrothed in sin.  I guess garden wedding it is! 
The creature was unhappy with Pandora’s request to have pink hearts and bows and rhinestones on her wedding dress and décor (as was I, and I’m Barbie for crying out loud) and Lisa was equally unhappy at the notion that this wedding should have a one million dollar budget.  You guys, a ONE MILLION DOLLAR BUDGET.  For one day.  And it’s at their OWN FUCKING HOUSE.  Cray.
Kim and Kyle again.  Ugh.  Someone pass me a bottle of Febreeze so I can get through this.  Ok they go out to lunch.  Kim wants to move AGAIN.  AGAIN, she wants to move to a place that makes no sense for her and AGAIN Kyle tries to tell her she’s wrong.  According to Kim, Kyle has this problem where she thinks she’s always right.  Kim has this problem where she thinks she’s always in a video game tripping on mushrooms.  So anywhoo, they go back and forth, and Bravo reminds us again that –Oop!- sometimes sisters don’t get along but they will bash your skull in with your crutch if you try to go against them.
That’s it folks!  Another week down.  Next week looks juicy as Adrienne hosts a relaxing spa day that seems to turn into anything but!  I love a little jujutsu with my Juvederm, a little raging with my Restylane, and little boxing with my Botox.  Until next week friends…

UPDATE!  I forgot to talk about Camille's charity event.  Mostly it was boring in that 'actual' classy, lovely event where nothing goes wrong kind of way, but I must say one thing.  Dana.  Dana, Dana, Dana.  She buys a hideous fur coat with the most tacky rhinestone accents and then (of course!) brags about it to everyone.  THEN tells the world how it's real fur.  I wear real fur, but I don't tell people when it's real because people will throw shit at you.  And did you hear?  $25,000.

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