Tuesday, September 13, 2011

We’re baa-aaack BHitches….

By we, I mean our grandeurs from the 90210 and me!  Did you think I wasn’t going to make a dramatic return with the lovely ladies??  I skipped last week because this blog is not about being sensitive in tragic situations, it’s about laughing at them and using the word “tragic” lightly and with humor.  There is nothing humorous or light about death so I didn’t want to deal with last week.  Sorry, I know that sounds cold and callous.  But I’m made of plastic, so I’m always cold and callous.  I’m hoping you all just let it slide cause you missed me so much…
Oh.Em.Gee.  It’s as if they never left, except Camille doesn’t suck!  I luuurved this episode for so many reasons.  Let me count the ways…
Kyle and family are moving out of their little shack of a house to something modest.  It’s just a little 7,000 square foot abode, but it’s Kyle’s dream house (you know I’m a sucker for dream houses).  Moving is the pits, and I’ve only had to do it with myself and Ken.  Holy Camille-Jebus they had a lot of crap, huh?  But if having to watch them with a cringe that probably aged me a few years in less than a minute meant that I got to get a gander at Kyle’s eyebrows circa 1984, well keep it coming Bravo.  I like how she threw it in that the photo was for a movie.  Ummm, no it wasn’t Kyle, but I would totes say that too.  Did you see how our friend Faye Resnick is back?  You guys, how many auditions videos do you think Faye sent in to be on this show?  We’ll take an over/under at the end of this blog, feel free to post in the “comments” section.
OK so the ladies are all going to Beaver Creek, Colorado to stay at Camille’s Ski Mansion before she has to sell it due to her divorce settlement.  Now I know why the woman’s seething mad, but we’ll get to that later.  We begin in Lisa VanderAMAZEBALL’S closet where I want to be buried when I die.  She had every Louboutin to ever hit the runway carefully lined up like tiny soldiers about to go to Fashion War and WIN.  There were pink pillows with ribbon trim made of kitten tears, fluffy heaven chairs with angels holding them in mid air so you never feel the slightest pressure on your bum, an actual closet attendant to fetch ski jackets from the set of Dynasty where several small and innocent animals gave their lives to be worn in fabulousness!!  There were sparkles and rainbows and diamonds and sunshine rays and million dollar handbags and Giggy and tiny cubby holes for all of them and I li-ter-ally wanted to BE the closet.  Nothing will ever be as fabulous as that closet.  You know it’s ridic when BARBIETM wants to be you.
Next we have Adrienne packing up and getting ready to leave.  While she packs her four bags for two days (who could blame her?) she gives Paul her instructions as to how to exist while she’s gone.  She would like him to drive slowly while the kids are in the car.  That seems like it would be a given you would think.  She also wants him to lock the doors.  Again, you would think that would be obvious, but I have no room to talk here because I’m constantly asking Ken if he locked the doors whenever we leave the house and he sarcastically retorts, “No babe, I left the doors wide open with a sign that says, ‘No one’s home.  Rob me.’”  Anyway, poor Paul.  She’s sure got him by the balls, doesn’t she.  He likes it.
Yayyy, we’re in the limo Beaver-bound!  Taylor and Adrienne share a limo to the airport, while Lisa, Kyle, and Kim share theirs.  Lisa is a bit impatient with the Richards sisters and their lollygagging and tomfoolery both at the airport as well as on the airplane.  Kim hits on every passenger that walks by their seats: man, woman, dog in carrier (“Hey what’s your name little Fella?  You married??”) and suddenly, WHOOSH!  We’ve landed in the Rocky State (or whatever, that’s what I call it).  Right after the deplaning ends, the complaining begins.  Turns out stupid Colorado, the beautiful naturey state that it is, had to go and have a rockslide or some other natural semi-disaster that probably left a lot of folks displaced and without a route to work or home but woe is the ladies of Beverly Hills who have to ride in a limo for FOUR HOURS to Camille’s snow mansion.  OH Lordy, someone’s gonna start some shit, Lisa just knows it. 
Who better to start some shit than Kyle?  After about three and a half hours of Kim rattling off stories of when her skidoodle didn’t have cobwebs growing in it and her liver was untainted by devil poison, Kyle had to go and ruin the irritating peace by throwing one out to Lisa.  Note to readers:  When someone asks you, “Can I ask you a question?” scream “NOOOO!” and start running the other direction.
Kyle: “Lisa, can I ask you a question?”  (RUN LISA!)
Lisa: “Of course Dahhling.”
Kyle:  “Is Ken mad at me?  I mean I can already tell he’s mad at me, but like, whyyy is he mad?”
Lisa: “I think it was your word choice Dahling, and he was just stating his opinion.”
Taylor: “Well no one asked his opinion.”
Oh no she di’n’t.
Sidebar: I’m curious to know your thoughts on this.  Was Ken out of line saying what he said?  Should he not have said anything at all?  Probably, but Jim-God, we’re talking about a fifty-something year old British guy who shuffles around with a blind turtle and a teacup Pomeranian who suffers from alopecia: LET THE MAN SPEAK.  I get it.  It was insensitive.  But he didn’t even know what they were talking about, he was too busy giving Giggy drinklets of $5,000 a bottle champagne at the table and if that doesn’t scream “Don’t listen to a word I say,” I don’t know what does.  In closing, my humble opinion is that if Taylor wanted to open that can of worms, she should be able to politely disagree with someone without having a breakdown in the bathroom.  But I guess knowing the facts as we know them now, we will forgive Taylor for all breakdowns this season.  Maybe.  I’m not making any promises here, I’m just trying to sound empathetic.  Is it working?
Lisa: “I do not believe one needs to be asked their opinion at a dinner party.” BOOM. ZING. ZOW.  Bitch, you just got Vanderpumped.
The awkward and entirely unnecessary conversation came to a screeching halt when Lisa told all the ladies they should just take it up with Ken and she was done with it.  Phew, so were we.
The women arrive to the Beaver Creek Snow Ski Mansion and holy botox folks.  How are any of these women arguing?  How are they saying anything but “Weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee” as they fly through life taking limos and jets and staying in mansions with their shoes and then other people’s vacation mansions with their shoes??  As Camille took her assistant around to show her the house that she most definitely has already seen a hundred times (she was really showing it to us) I thought, “Yeah, you did need to change that light fixture to something more bulky to match the castle theme.”  No wonder Camille was bat-shit cray cray last year!!!  You would be going totally grape nuts too if you were about to lose four or five homes of this caliber in all the most desirable vacation spots in the world.  I would have Kelsey’s head on a stick, stabbed into the earth right at the beginning of the driveway of my Beaver Creek ski snow fun mansion for all my future husbands to be warned as to what will happen to them if they try to divorce me and take away my homes. 
Hey Camille, let’s be friends.  I’ll take the fly fishing room, I’m easy.
The ladies have to find their rooms, and Camille being the new fun little minx she is, is making them choose for themselves which is fun because two of them are gonna have to bunk up.  Kyle immediately goes for the kiddie room because her uterus constantly aches for more baby and this might help.  The bed is TINY.  It was gracious of her to pretend -ahem- call it.  Lisa and Adrienne have a sort-of-kidding, sort-of-not little tug-of-war for the fanciest room.  Taylor’s like, “What?  What happened?” and Kim’s like, “I’ll sleep anywhere!  I don’t even sleep!!  I do dream, but mostly about falling off cliffs and chipping my teeth, does anyone know what that means?  I should see a psychic…or a psycho!  Who cares, ammi right?  Where’s the bar?”  What ultimately ends up occurring is that Camille says someone has to share and Kyle says, “Ohhhh you know what then?  Me and Kim should share.  We shared a womb so why not.  That means we need a very large bed.  So I won’t be able to take that shitty little one like I was so graciously going to.  That’s too bad.  Ok, so where’s the biggest bed so I can put my stuff down?” and Taylor walked in and they all said, “You get the shitty bed.”  And in the end, they gave the only woman there over six feet tall the four foot (on a good day) bed.  It was hilarious.  She must have had to fold herself in half.  Sleep well Taylor…Muhahahaha. 
Onto “Skiing with Rich Ladies.” I’m not going to lie, this segment motivated me to learn how to ski so that if nothing else, I can wear Lisa VanderFur’s ski outfit.  I will wear that poodle atop my head with all the luuurve in my plastic little heart, mark my words. 
Adrienne had a knee injury from skiing for her first time last time she skied, so she got stuck with Lisa who hadn’t skied in twenty years or something, and Kim who was a first timer if I remember correctly.  Kyle was ok and Camille rocked because she goes skiing all the time because she’s cray rich and owns a Ski Snow Fun Mansion in Beaver Creek.  Taylor was really good too, but she kept going down alone which highlighted her sadness and loneliness which was kind of a downer.  But then Lisa stopped hard and fell into the snow giggling in her British accent and all was well in the world of rich people.  Oh and there were fresh-baked chocolate chip cookies waiting for them at the bottom of the mountain.  Camille took two.  I am so liking her this season.
After all the ladies went to nap, Kyle and Taylor “took a hot tub” (my Canadian former roommate used to say that, so weird).  Taylor opened up about her failing relationship.  Well, she sort of opened up.  It was like a clam when they open just a little and then shut.  Or like what Richard Gere did with the necklace box to Julia Roberts in “Pretty Woman”.  Just a peek.  Taylor gave us just a peek of her sadness and loneliness but said super ambiguous statements like, “It’s just too many years,” and “It’s just too much” and Kyle and the audience were like, “Whaaaa?”  So anyway, all I know is Taylor should have eaten that whole plate of cookies.  Poor thing had every arm vein popping out like she was the Hulk or something.  The one on the side of her head gave me the awkward tingles.  With all of her hair right up against her head, her face took on a creepy look and for a minute I thought she was going to eat Kyle.  Too much botox to cry is tragic.  Actually, what’s tragic is doing whatever your husband tells you to all the time for six years, including going to restaurants that you don’t even like.  This woman needed therapy a looooong time ago. 
This was a terrifically glamorous episode my friends.  THIS is why we watch this franchise!!  Some drama, yes, but mostly I want to see people’s closets and mansions!!  And be motivated to do things like ski because they look so fabulous doing it!!  Welcome back Beverly Hills.  We missed you.  I missed you. 
Until next week my luuurves…

1 comment:

  1. I'm only 11 minutes in and I have so much to say. But I'll start with, How did Faye go from Kyle's best friend to "Designer"?!?! I could go on for hours. On a side note: get your ski clothes ready, lets plan a new years trip for snow time and Marcus and I will guide you on the path to proper Ski Bunnydom!