Thursday, August 4, 2011

An End to the Manhattan Madness

Well, now that I’ve popped a xanax and taken a shot of pinot grigio, I think my nerves have calmed enough to where I can write a final blurp on these insufferable harpies.  I’m going to summarize per cast member.
Cindy:  You seem fairly vile, what gives?  You claim to be happy and content in life, but then you throw in zingers like, “What are you a lap dog?” and “Neither does sucking on a golden dick”.  I’m sure Sonja is relieved you are not crediting her with your level of etiquette, my gawd.  This season I found you unlikeable and oddly defensive.  First of all, the hanger situation was out of control.  Get more hangers, and don’t be such a freakin’ toddler about everything.  Also, when I get to a party I generally head to the drink table first.  This is so I can have my pretty drink in plastic hand as I mingle.  If you tell me you’ll have a certain drink (the only drink I consume) and decline my offer to bring some myself, then I expect you to have that drink.  Would I have a hissy fit about it?  Nope, sure wouldn’t, but if I were in your place I would have been more understanding of my guest as YOU too had a hissy fit about the whole ridiculous matter.  I wonder what makes you so snarky and defensive.  It seems to me that you are not as happy as you want people to think.  I commend you on your success though.  I hope you get more accustomed to being around your offspring soon.  I hope your brother broke up with that man-chick who gives out her dead boyfriend’s stuff.  I’d like to say more nice stuff, but I have to take this really important conference call.  Shhhhh…
Kelly:  You are so cray.  Like, you’re certifiable.  Who’s going to make you realize you’re nutso, Santa?  You seem like you could be a nice person when all your meds are lined up properly, but evidently that never happens.  It’s interesting that Cosmo voted you one of the top 5 nicest people in the world.  I wonder who else was on that list.  I picture it goes something like:
1.       Kim Kardashian
2.       Casey Anthony
3.       Mike Tyson
4.       Charlie Sheen
5.       Kelly Killoren Bensimon

I really liked your teal pumps, those were hot.  But mostly you just make my little plastic head want to explode.  Close your eyes.  Open them.  Now close them again.  Now stop breathing.
Alex:  Honey, please calm down.  You have an issue with getting your point across efficiently when you’re flustered, though I understand with all the clucking it’s hard to get a word in edgewise.  It’s really not ok for your husband to yell at your friends.  If Ken yelled at one of my friends in her face I would be on him like Mattel on copyright laws.  I agree with you that LuAnn is condescending.  I agree with you that Jill is not to be trusted.  Other than that, you need to regain your control and sense of humor.  SO WHAT if someone says your Louis Vuitton shoes are “Herman Munster” shoes??  Embrace your questionable fashion sense and consider a spray tan to hide the hives (that’s my secret).
Sidebar:  These women are ALL trying to be snarky and funny and make little jokes here and there because it’s TV and if they didn’t they’d be out of a job (which apparently they all need real bad).  That’s what I couldn’t understand about this reunion.  The things they were getting mad about were the pettiest, knit-pickiest things.  WHO CAYES if someone wanted a drink when they got to your party???  WHO CAYES if someone is saving a seat when someone asked them to??  WHO CAYES if someone doesn’t want to have a goddamn one-on-one meeting with your husband to talk about feelings (again, WTF)???  Television has obviously ruined these women.  They have to have these conflicts to remain relevant.  Their egos have to prove their wealth and status (what’s with Jill saying Alex is at a party with people above her????  WHO THE FUCK ARE YOU JILL ZARIN?  YOUR HUSBAND OWNS A FABRIC STORE!!!!)  But I digress…
LuAnn:  OH LuAnn, you upset me deeply.  I used to adore you.  I actually liked you in the reunion; you were a part of the mess, but not as bad as some.  This season you were bossy, tried to call the shots, you blindly followed Jill as per the usge, you acted haughty and then denied it, and you kept making these horrible music videos.  But you did laugh at yourself, you did admit when one of your clique was in the wrong (Cindy, in what realm of reality would it be appropriate to take that conference call at Sonja’s breakfast table and then “shh” her in her own home???).  Also, Ramona shouldn’t have outed your daughter about changing schools four times.  Avery has never had to go through her parents divorcing, and as you said you would never wish that one anyone.  You have your French man to make you feel all sophisticated and luurvy-duurvy now so that’s great.  You were still a raging bitch in most episodes.  But whatever, you’re not as bad as Jill.  Now please stop saying Yahabeebee before one of us offs ourselves.
Ramona:  Ramona, Ramona, Ramona.  Queen of Pinot Grigio, Duchess of Word Vomit.  Your eyes tell the story of your soul.  So you like to have some fun, so what?  I’m going to let you in on a little factoid:  The second “A” in “AA” stands for “Anonymous”.  Now, that being said, I agree that the Brunettes tried to make it look like your beloved Mario is cheating on you after eighteen (count ‘em folks) years of marriage.  And LuAnn saying she was not trying to insinuate that is a classy load of bullshit.  Hell, Jill came out and said Mario’s cheating on you and she thinks you have a drinking problem!  Them’s fightin’ words, I agree.  I’d like to say that you and Sonja were the only silver lining on what was, let’s face it, a cold and blinding rainstorm of shit of a season.  May your pinot sell and your skin stay taught, and may you insist upon late-in-life pregnancy instead of menopause until your death at age one hundred and ten.
Sonja:  What were you on in the beginning of the season, and how much does it cost per pill?  In all seriousness, you were missing clothes, missing phones that you found in the toilet, and rambling incoherently.  But gawd love ya.  Shirtless Brian?  We all need a little more Shirtless Brian in our lives.  And your positive attitude is contagious.  You don’t have any real beef with anyone on the cast except Cindy, and she doesn’t count because she’s a mean wax-nazi.  So you flashed your vagae at Kelly, somebody had to do it!  So you cook in a toaster oven and shot a book cover for a book that doesn’t exist, you like having pictures taken of yourself.  So you showed us your bare naked nearly fifty year old bootay at least three times this season, you love to laugh!  Don’t worry about that bankruptcy stuff, we’re not judging you.  You keep making your toaster oven dinners for King Charles of Monacco and tell Chris Martin I said heyyyyy gurl.
Jill:  I saved you for last.  Your behavior is repulsive.  You sit there and call people effing bitches, yet have the audacity to be offended that they don’t trust you after you’ve attacked them and their families in the press?  You said that people were at parties with people who were “above them”.  You said that someone’s husband is cheating on them but you couldn’t believe that person called you a liar.  You accuse others of lying and demand proof of their claims even though you don’t hold yourself to the same standard.  You say, “I’m done,” but you never are.  You severed your relationship with Bethenny for the show and then tried to blame other people for your actions (your actions we witnessed ourselves).  You clearly cannot take responsibility for your words or actions though you love to claim that you do.  You’re nice!  You’re sweet!  You’re kind!  You must be on the same nice list as Kelly.  TV has clearly ruined you.  Good thing you’re done.  No really, this time you’re done.
If this blog depressed you all, I apologize.  I was depressed writing it.  This whole season was depressing and pathetic.  I have good news though.  I don’t know if you have read this yet, but the people spoke and Andy Cohen heard.  There are zero contracts out to any of the NY housewives at this point.  Fans are demanding a recast or threatening to boycott.  Next season of NY should have a whole new crop of gals, and I for one am excited to meet them.
In much more fabulous news, the RH of Beverly Hills Trailer is out!  Watch it, it’s amazing.  The season starts on September 5th, ahhh be still my heart.  Until then, I’ll revisit New Jersey to keep you up to speed on the Garden State.  Now let’s all take a deep relaxing inhale and exhale and a sip of our pinot grigio as we bid farewell to the hot mess that was Real Housewives of New York Season 4.

No comments:

Post a Comment