Tuesday, August 2, 2011

The Finale, and I’m Not Talking about Menopause

OH my lovelies!  Are you happy?  Sad?  Relieved?  Confused?  It is the end of another monstrosity so let us begin…
Thank GAWD this is the end because if I have to hear the Countess’s rendition of singing one more time I’m going to vom.  Aaron Carter and the lead singer of Rascal Flatts had a love child and he is LuAnn’s producer.  Together they murdered art in the form of music-genocide by creating “Chic c’est La Vie” and “Money Can’t Buy you Class (Or Vocal Chords)”.  It’s basically a rich lady rap which is so, so many different kinds of wrong.  Anywhoo, here we have them synching up on the project blowing smoke back and forth, forth and back.  Until in walks Natalie Cole!  What on Jim-God’s sweet beautiful green Earth is Natalie Cole doing in this joke?  Is she the punch line??  I thought LuAnn was the punch line!  Or the producer who looks like someone Audrina Patridge would date, but Natalie??  Oh Natalie.  Some where there’s a Nat King rolling over in his grave crying beautifully on pitch.
LuAnn is excited about Natalie being there and knowing who she is.  I have the exact opposite reaction; I’m disillusioned and disappointed that Natalie knows who she is.  LuAnn is so excited she asks Natalie if she might attend her one year DATING anniversary party, like tomorrow night, and Natalie actually accepts!  Then she says she’ll SING at it!  Then she says she’ll sing with LuAnn!!!  I smell a script here folks…something is not authentic about this scene.
Ramona and Mario throw a dinner party and invite Alex, Simon, Sonja, and Shirtless Brian.  Alex and Simon arrive first and somehow the two couples get on the subject of having more kids, or at least Ramona having more kids.  That’s right, the fifty-four year old Pinot-loving Ramonacoaster wants another child.  Hmm.  Well it makes sense really because apparently Avery has wanted a little sister or brother since she was like two so it took Ramona only fourteen years to consider it.  But now she really wants one.  Mario…not so much. 
To make an awkward conversation more awkward, Avery joins in and starts talking about how Ramona still gets her period.  In fact, Ramona says that the reason she looks so young and wrinkleless is because she still gets a monthly visit from Aunt Flo.  Thank you for that Avery, if I wake up screaming I’ll know what it was I was reliving.  As will Simon.
Sonja and Brian get there and Brian’s wearing a shirt.  Not cool Brian.  They all sit down for a lovely meal.  Alex’s phone rings and she excuses herself from the table to take the call with a thousand apologies.  You know, the way you should excuse yourself from a meal when your phone rings.  You wouldn’t take the call and blabber on and then shhh the person who had invited you over unless you were Cindy.  It was LuAnn inviting Alex to her anniversary soiree regardless of their recent past.  Alex has never met an invite she didn’t like.
Alrighty, so after all the dinner talk about Ramona having not had another baby and wishing she did and wondering and hoping and thinking she visits Sonja’s house with a bit of a bomb.  She’s late and her boobs are enormous.  Now you ladies out there know that when your boobs grow two cup sizes and you’re checking every bathroom break wondering, “Where are youuuuuu?” it’s a sign.  Whether or not it’s a good sign differs with each case.  Ramona tells Sonja she could be pregnant and Sonja, being the logical matter-of-fact person that she is, decides that this is definitely the case because the dog is sniffing Ramona’s lady parts.  Pretty sure that happens sometimes without merit Sonja, but we appreciate your enthusiasm.
Alex is a model now, remember?  It’s those damn lucky genes, try not to be jeal-y.  She’s doing an editorial for some magazine no one has heard of (by no one I mean me but I’m pretty sure none of you have heard of it either, please correct me if I’m wrong).  As she’s getting hurr did, make-up did, nails did, Simon comes in and isn’t his usual spritely self when around make-up and clothing.  He’s Grouchy Pants McGee actually.  If I were that photographer I would have kicked him off the set just so I could say, “Get off of my set!”  I’ve always wanted to say that.
One more note on this:  US Weekly voted Alex among the top three worst dressers, along with Lady Gaga and Rihanna.  This just in:  Lady Gaga and Rihanna hung themselves by their fugly pantyhose.  The note read simply “Would rather be Dead than D Listed.” 
Oh Sweet Baby Jebus, Sonja and Cindy are giving friendship another go.  What are they, masochists?  Have they not had enough of each other’s antics?  This time around Sonja allows Cindy to join her for her weekly flower shopping trip.  Cindy obviously wants to justify to Sonja why she took that conference call in the middle of breakfast.  Look, it was rude to take the call, rude to bring the assistant, rude to shhh Sonja in her own damn house.  Period.  Bottom line.  No excuses.  If this was normal life, Cindy would have sincerely apologized, Sonja would have accepted, and then they could do like the rest of us and forever on out only be nice to each other’s faces.  But no.  No no no.  This is housewives.  So let’s twalk about it…
Cindy says Sonja could have learned a thing or two from her BUSINESS call because Cindy is a BUSINESS woman who does BUSINESS, you got it?  She waxes hoohaws ok!  It’s a very prestigious line of work right up there with brain surgeons and nunnery!  She’s basically like your vagina’s Mother Teresa really.  Now Sonja, she prides herself on her hostessing skills.  She takes her toaster oven cuisine very seriously.  She takes wearing her pajamas to the table seriously.  She does not take kindly to someone conducting vagina business at her breakfast nook.  So you see, these two very different ladies do not see eye to eye on this.  Cindy thinks she was in the right because she warned Sonja ahead of time of this now infamous fucking conference call and had to WORK (Oh Hey Vicki Gunvalson, what up?) and HAD to bring her assistant because she can’t do limo-work in the limo on the way to Sonja’s without her assistant.  Her babies, well she left those in the car.  Sonja thinks she was in the right because she invited Cindy to her home and made her breakfast with her own two hands (not her servant’s) and got up early at 10am to do all of this.  Barbie’s take?  Cindy, if you’re too busy to enjoy breakfast at a person’s home when they invite you DO NOT ACCEPT THE INVITATION. 
I don’t know what these women feel they need to prove.  Lots of women are “business women.”  Lots of women work and also have a family.  These housewives act as though they are just soooooo unique and special and above because they have a successful career.  Cindy, I get it.  You started your own business.  That’s awesome.  You had twins with a sperm donor to solidify your rogueness, ok that’s cool too.  But let’s get real, you’re not saving lives.  There are thousands of women out there who are single mothers WITHOUT two nannies per child who work harder (yes harder) than you and never mention it to anybody and they’re a lot more commendable and frankly likeable than you.  It wouldn’t kill you to enjoy a breakfast with a batty lady hopped up on Valium and caffeine in her P.J.s at her breakfast nook!!  But then I’m biased.
Anyway, the whole meeting goes haywire and Cindy ends up storming out.  Sonja wouldn’t let her get a word in edgewise so she pulled a LuAnn/Jill/Kelly and hit the road.  Don’t let the door hit you on your perfectly waxed ass on the way out Mother Teresa.
Sonja’s lipstick color at the flower shop was TERRIBLE!  She looked like she had drowned.  She made up for it with her moose hat though.
Ok so….what else.  OH YEAH.  The big anniversary of dating extravaganza.  LuAnn has a lovely boat taking everyone around the Statue of Liberty in style.  All the ladies are there.  Sonja and Ramona wore matching dead animals which was cray.  Sonja- a full length animal print gown?  Pretty sure that’s a “don’t”.  If this was Glamour magazine your eyes would be blacked out right now.
Time out:  Can I pleeeeeeeease have Ramona’s body when I’m 54?  Thanks.
Ok so either LuAnn doesn’t like to kiss on camera or LuAnn is positively the worst kisser on the planet.
Sonja came armed and dangerous with a pee stick.  She and Ramona are going to find out if it’s pregnancy or menopause if it gets them both kicked off of this yacht.  Oh and they’re very discreet about it too.  They run back and forth giggling like two roommates in their twenties at Studio 54.  And in matching leopard print of all things holy. 
Of course Jill has to know what’s going on so she follows them to the bathroom, listens through the doors, makes passive aggressive comments through the bathroom doors, and tells everybody of the other ladies bathroom festivities.  Meanwhile, Ramona’s so nervous she can’t even pee. 
Ramona comes out and tells Mario and he laughs so he doesn’t cry.  There they are, the happy couple, laughing and laughing and then looking at each other to see if it’s genuine laughter or a decoy while they figure out their escape route.  Mario’s trying to decide if he is strong enough to release the lifeboat into the Atlantic and row himself over to Europe where he could change his identity and live the rest of his life out quietly as he’d hoped.  Ramona was doing the math in her head to figure out how many hours are in nine months so she could create a construction paper chain link to help her count down until her next glass of pinot grigio. 
Bravo never told us whether or not Ramona’s boobs ever went down to their normal size but judging by her figure on the reunion videos it’s safe to say she’s not with child.
Ohhh and the big moment everyone’s been waiting for but no one can believe.  LuAnn has her (handsome, eh? Oh shit he’s fourteen?  Jk. Not handsome, who said that anyway?...) son escort Natalie Cole down the stairs and into the arms of her adoring audience.  LuAnn and Natalie then coo a very scaled back version of “L.O.V.E.” for Jacques.  LuAnn actually carries a tune in a bucket until the end when Natalie gets all “singer” on her and starts going off of the two note version LuAnn had practiced.  Natalie does a little harmony and LuAnn starts rich lady rapping the Frank Sinatra hit.  Or I should say Nat King Cole hit in this case I suppose, shouldn’t I?  Either way, Natalie sounds beautiful and LuAnn sounds like an old smoker in a vintage karaoke bar but it was a crowd pleaser nonetheless.
LuAnn and Jacques have awkward yucky kisses and everyone cheers.  Natalie gave every housewife a Tiffany’s necklace with their initials!  I found that out through one of those bitches’ blogs, lucky bitches.  I wanna be friends with you Natalie!  I can harmonize!!
The epilogues were so stupid weren’t they?  Since when are they posed as questions and all riddle-y?  They’re always cheeky but never riddle-y.  As Krazy Kelly would say, “It’s WEIRD.”  Anywhoo, no information of any value but the reunion looks AMAZEballs.  I am so stoked.  It’s no secret I’m Team Blondes, and not just because I am blonde, but more because I can stand not one of the brunettes.  I have nothing against brunettes otherwise, know that.  So yes friends, I may just blog about the reunion so that if nothing else I can unleash my humble opinion on you all and hope that the favor is reciprocated.  I don’t have a water cooler at my office so we must embrace our virtual one, mustn’t we?
Have a great weekend my friends, and I’ll see you back here soon for “Hair color vs. Other Hair Color: Round One.”

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