Tragic Taylor and the Tea Time Tussle

The second part of this episode knocked my little plastic pumps off.  Oh the revelations!  With emotions running high we finally get what we were waiting for since the season began, and that my friends is a desperate woman who is unable to make recognizable facial expressions and can barely get her lips to make words dramatically sobbing the line “If you can’t be my friend, then please don’t be my enemy.”  I can still feel the drama running through my veins like bitchy tar heroin.  Let’s get started…

We open where we left off which is at Kim’s ranch out in the middle of fucking nowhere according to Kyle, far far far away from civilization and most importantly her family.  After revealing her secret to Kyle that she’s been seeing a man for a year, Kim says, “And guess what, he’s here and I want you to meet him!”  Kyle tries to hide her tears behind ginormous sunglasses ($25,000, didja know?) but to no avail.  She walks into the house and, against everything she believes in, is introduced to Spike the Boyfriend and Handyman Jim (Spike the Boyfriend’s friend and handyman).  Kyle literally cannot even pretend to be a nice person.  When she is introduced to the poor guy she looks like she’s getting an enema while eating a lemon, and still crying by the way.  The first thing she asks is not “What do you do?” or “Are you originally from LA?” but instead, “Is that a wedding band?”  Yep, Spike is sporting a wedding band looking ring and Kyle’s inner negativity radar starts sounding the alarm.  Her eyes get big and rolly and her tongue gets sharp as Lorena Bobbit’s knife collection.  But Spike has a reasonable explanation for this band.  Little Foot gave it to him when Sarah, Ducky and Petri were out trying to find Tree Stars to eat so that the great…ok sorry, I couldn’t resist another Land Before Time reference.  Actually Kim gave it to him as a “promise ring”.  Yeah, no I swear.  What’s that you ask?  Oh, they’re in their late forties/early fifties.  Why are they exchanging promise rings like a couple of love-struck thirteen year olds?  That I do not know.  Maybe they’re promising to retire together in ten years.  Maybe they’re promising not to use the housekeeper as a therapist anymore, or maybe it’s a promise to actually escape to witch mountain.  I know it’s not a promise to stay a virgin until they move in together because they both have a litter of kids.  I really have no idea why a grown woman would give a grown man a promise ring but who am I, right?  Just an iconic doll that’s been popular for over fifty years and has held upwards of two thousand high paying jobs I suppose…

Let’s take a break from this weird family dynamic and talk about Paul Nassif’s birthday dinner.  Oh those two.  They just luuuurve to bicker, don’t they?  You guys know I dig Adrienne, but listening to her order food could be equated in many cultures to water boarding.  She doesn’t like anything.  She doesn’t like turkey or potatoes, shrimp or French fries, roast beef or macaroni and cheese.  She only likes cappuccinos and milkshakes.  Camille-Jebus Paul, you should know this by now, especially if I do.  They chat a bit around the bickering about feeling bad for Taylor who is beyond a hot mess at this point.  Mostly they just set up what’s coming later on.  And bicker.

Next we have Kyle and Mmmmmauricio talking about Kim’s love life which is totes their business.  Kyle keeps saying through whispy tears, “I know it’s her life, I know it’s her life.  It’s not my business,” but then she just keeps on a’gettin’in it.  I have a theory you guys, pull up a chair.  I think that Mama Richards was like the Kris Kardashian of the 1960’s.  Between Kim’s alcoholism, her comments about having to “work to support the entire family” throughout her childhood, the fact that all three girls went into acting as children, and also the fact that their family dynamics are totally loco all lead me to this theory.  Factor in Mama Richards attempt to control them from the grave (leaving her homes to all three of them equally…oh please, like that’s gonna work out) and that everything they do or say has something to do with whether or not the matriarch of the family would approve.  I think we have ourselves a bona fide “No more wire hangers” situation. 

To add to my theory, Kyle tells the camera that when she doesn’t like someone she just doesn’t acknowledge them which she learned from mommy dearest.  Or you could just pretend and be cordial Kyle, I don’t know, don’t get too crazy.

Wounded animal Taylor has been nominated for some sort of award and has invited all the ladies to attend the luncheon at which she is being honored.  Well, all but one that is.  Yes, Taylor invited everyone but Lisa because Lisa’s back-handed compliments stab Taylor’s self esteem (just kidding, she has none) like a thousand arrows through her broken, pitiful little heart.  Lisa phoned Kyle while she was looking for the others so Kyle inadvertently spilled the beans about Lisa’s lack of invite.  Lisa is not happy, Kyle is once again ruining happy moments, and Taylor doesn’t win the award.

Adrienne says that Taylor is being “passive aggressive” by not inviting Lisa to the event.  Actually Adrienne, I’m pretty sure that’s just plain old aggressive. 

Ahhhhh the tea party.  Lisa decided to invite everyone including Taylor to her home for tea the next day (now that’s passive aggressive) and all the ladies show.  It looks like Divine overdosed on Pepto Bismol and then exploded in Lisa’s home.  I mean you all know I am the color pink’s number one fan but this woman really takes it to another level.  The ladies settle in and at first it’s all la dee da, but then Lisa says, “So Taylor, why didn’t you invite me to your luncheon?  I was actually really hurt by that,” and Taylor’s like, “STOP SAYING YOUR NOT MY FRIEND!”

Ok. Ok ok ok.  First of all, there is a HUGE difference between saying “I’m not masquerading as your best friend” and “I’m not your friend.”  There also happens to be a difference between saying that once and saying it before every sentence.  Taylor is pulling a ‘cray betch’ just like Camille did last season.  When you’re going through a rough time and you are feeling insecure and basically completely losing your shit, you may have a tendency to interpret things differently than their true meaning.  Bottom line: Give it up Taylor, you are too insecure and emotionally unstable to be friends with a Brit.

Taylor goes “Oklahoma on her ass” and starts throwing around accusations of shit talking by the other ladies and they’re all like, woah.  Hold the phone Country Love.  There is a strong difference between venting to one friend about another and “shit-talking’.  Taylor busts out with her argument that Lisa’s ego has become bigger than Dolly Parton’s cup size.  She puts Kyle on the spot and Kyle has to sheepishly admit she’s made maybe a comment or two about Lisa’s ego growth.  Taylor’s specific example is SUCH a gem. 

“Lisa, you’re your own screen saver on your iPad!” 

a.       I see absolutely nothing wrong with this.

b.      I am my own screensaver on every piece of technology I own.

Lisa shows us the picture on her iPad of her in black lingerie holding Giggy and I just lapped it up like a kitten does a bowl of full fat milk. 

Taylor won’t let it go.  She’s bound and determined to get this all out in the open.  All the other ladies are bound and determined NOT to go there, and slowly curl into the fetal position right there on Lisa’s pink couch.  Lisa tried to defend herself saying that she has only ever been concerned and what she meant was not that Taylor wasn’t her friend but just that as they were not close and, despite that, she was there if Taylor needed help.  She even apologized.  Oh Taylor would not take that, no she wouldn’t. 

“I’ve been kissing your ass this whole time and I only ever wanted to be your friend!”

At this point, we’re all starting to wonder if Taylor is going to get all Beaver Creek on us, crawl into a suitcase and start baby-talking nonsense phrases.  Lisa tries to apologize again, but mostly you can tell she’s totally confused as to why Taylor is reacting this way.

“This is breaking my heart, I can’t live like this!” Taylor cries.

Then get off the reality show Cray!  WTF??  Why did this woman think this was going to turn out well?  Evidently they don’t do the psychiatric evaluations on these cast members like they do on The Bachelor, not that that outcome turns out any better. 

Without the support of the other women in the attack against Lisa in her own home, Taylor makes a dramatic exit declaring that the rest of the women are chicken.  Yeah, you’re the brave and strong one Taylor.  Sweet Jebus this woman is delusional.  Unfortunately for Adrienne’s husband Paul, he’s randomly standing at the entrance gate and runs into Taylor.  Apparently the gate doesn’t open for just anyone and she’s stuck inside while Paul is stuck outside.  Through the gate, Taylor unleashes on Paul a whirlwind of cray trying to explain what just went on.  Taylor, you obviously have no clue what goes on in a man’s head.  Men cannot comprehend drama, they just don’t get it.  I’m talking only about straight men here, obvi.  So while Taylor is spilling her heart through the gate, Paul is hearing the Charlie Brown teacher voice and wondering why Taylor’s fillers look like someone punched her in the face (too soon?). 

After Paul massages Taylor’s botched face trying to get the nubbins out, Taylor comes back to Lisa’s to tell Adrienne to call Paul.  THIS BITCH IS SO CRAY!  Taylor, you NEVER return to the scene of the crime!  Well, she learned her lesson because here’s what happened next…

While Taylor was laying it all on Paul at the gate, the other women started talking about how this whole Lisa thing was just smoke and mirrors to hide what’s really going on with Taylor.  Taylor had told all the women individually that Russell was actually physically abusing her, but then her actions would tell a different story.  She told Camille that he was leaving her or she was leaving him and right afterwards told her she was getting on a G4 with him with that signature fake giant smile on her filler canvas.

It was a G4, but was it like a G6?...Couldn’t resist.



The giggy is up.  The women confront Taylor about her mixed messages and the secrets they’ve been keeping to protect her.  Taylor pretty much keeps quiet as they tell her how they’re feeling about what’s going on with her.  As she tries to deflect from the major issues at hand, Camille loses it.  Clearly out of frustration Camille exclaims,

“We’ve all been protecting YOU because we don’t say that he hits you!  But we’re saying it now!”  And Taylor’s jaw drops (watch out belowwww!) and our jaws drop, and Kyle’s face falls in her hands, and Adrienne makes a run for the gate but the gate doesn’t open…

Actually they all sit there stunned and we don’t get to see the end of this mess until next week’s episode.  Also next week, something happens with a Planet Hollywood that Adrienne’s not happy about and Taylor wants Camille to shovel shit at Kennedy’s Ranch Time birthday party (this one only cost $40,000) for outing her as a battered wife.  Also, if you had told me this time last season that Camille would end up being my favorite housewife of all time, I would have told you you were bat-shit cray.

Until next week friends…

XO,

Barbs

Suctions, Psychics, and Shockers

If you were like me this past Monday, you kept waiting and waiting and drinking and waiting for something to go horrifically wrong in this week’s episode, given that we knew Kyle was throwing another psychic dinner party.  But alas, tragedy never struck, weaves were left in place, and no one was on meth.  Disappointing?  Yes.  A lead-in episode?  Likely.  So will we have more to talk about next week? Almost certainly.  But let’s get started anyway, shall we?

This week opened with -SURPRISE!- a plastic surgery party!!  Boy if I had a dollar for every time one of these broads got their faces injected with poison (not judging) on national television I would have enough money to throw lavish plastic surgery parties myself, and don’t think I wouldn’t.  They don’t call me plastic for nothing my friends.

Lisa is flawless and needs nothing done a’tohl, obvi. 

Kyle’s got a muffin top, a little junk in her bunk if you will, so she’s gonna get that shit rubbed out.  It really works you guys!  You rub the fat, well you pay someone $3,000 to rub it with a laser, then the fat is forced out of the cells in which it lives (poor homeless fat) and then you have to actually exercise (the horror!) and drink a lot of water, AND THEN after twelve of these treatments at $3,000 a pop and four months of exercising you actually appear skinnier!!  I know, IT’S LIKE MAGIC!  What’s even better is that Kyle says in her blog she got too busy to do the follow-up treatments so she could have just flushed that $3,000 right down the toilet and she would have had the same result.  Oh Kyle.  You cray.

Taylor skipped out on having anything done because she already looks like one of those cartoon portraits semi-homeless people draw of tourists on Fisherman’s Wharf.  JUST KIDDING, she got face fillers.

Camille couldn’t make it because Kelsey’s lawyers had just informed her that she officially married the biggest douche on the planet so she wasn’t in a pouty lip mood.  Brandi couldn’t make it because she was afraid Kyle would stab her with a needle full of Restylane and she’s still working with only one good leg.  Pam wasn’t there because no one cares.

Kim did actually show up though, late of course.  She’s never late though, except all the time.  She wanted some sort of facelift because she has the skin of a lizard from the east district of Death Valley who has been injecting vodka for the last thirty years.  During her consultation with Dr. Paul, he asks what medications she’s on.  This seems standard enough, but I know he really just wanted to know what in gawds green earth this beezy was on.  Drum roll please……Trazodone, Topamax, and Lexipro!!  MYSTERY SOLVED MY FRIENDS!!!!!

Let me educate you all on these scrips.  While on one of more depressants, one should not do anything requiring mental awareness or coordination of any kind.  One must be monitored to insure one does not become addicted to one or more of these drugs.  One must not jump on a trampoline while one is on these drugs, nor should one attend a Game Night Party while under the influence of one or more of these drugs.  Also, one may expect to experience blurry vision or what drinkers call “beer goggles” so one must take caution when looking for a mate, and one should seek a second opinion when necessary....



The ladies all congregate in the waiting room to munch on appetizers and discuss their treatments and such.  Lisa told Kyle earlier about how she received an email from Russell telling Lisa that his marriage with Taylor was all rainbows and puppy dogs and gee, isn’t it wonderful?  Of course Lisa has no clue why he’s emailing her with this, so when Taylor comes in she asks her.  Taylor gets all flustered (she was already irritated because Lisa tried to make her eat again, damn her) and says she’s late so she can’t discuss it and, why don’t you ask Russell yourself?!?  Hmmm… I seem to remember Lisa making the same point to Taylor in a limo while traveling through snowy banks and being questioned about her husband Ken’s thoughts on therapy being only for the weak….but I could be wrong (I’m not).

Anywhoo, Taylor slides out, right under the door because she can fit through the crack and doesn't have the strength needed to open it.  Kyle asks Kim if she’s attending the séance she’s holding at her home for the ladies (ANOTHER PSYCHIC DINNER PARTY DUN DUN DUNNNNNNNNNN).  Kim first says she can’t because she’s busy, then she’s too scared of the ghosts because she has too many around her all the time trying to drink her wine and steal her pillows, then it’s because it’s against her religion.  Kyle lets us in on the secret that Kim’s only religion is downers so we’re all pretty sure she’s got plans to do the hibbity bibbity with Spike that night and THAT’S the real reason she can’t make it.

Lisa does an award-winning impression of Kim.  Seriously, she should take home an Emmy.

Ohhhh also, Lisa tried to say that Camille isn’t friends with Taylor but Kyle’s like, “Yes they are,” and it’s random but you need to know for next week so I included it here.  You’re welcome.

We end this soiree with Kim getting cray painful injections all up and down her face, her eyes positioned permanently open, and a padded lip bra.  Kyle shhhhes her while she’s getting this done (You know who needs to seriously shut the fuck up??  YOU KYLE!) and Adrienne tells Paul how to do his job.  Where was she when he was making phone calls to Marky Mark during a facelift?...

Kyle invites Brandi to the séance while painting her daughter’s toe nails.  Good for you extending the olive branch Kyle.  You go Glenn Coco.  Taylor arrives to Kyle’s house early so she can talk shit about Lisa.  Apparently Lisa is “going around town” telling “everyone” that Taylor doesn’t have any “friends”.   If you are confused allow me to translate:  “Everyone” means the cast of this show, “around town” means in the waiting room at Paul Nassif’s office, and “friends” means Camille.  Taylor, we all want to feel sorry for you but you make it so hard.  Then Taylor says this which is just so yummy I want to wrap it in a slice of bacon and serve it as an hors d'oeuvre at my next plastic surgery party:

“This insult really hurts me because I really do have friends!”

Sweet Lips, if you really did have friends then this insult WOULD NOT HURT YOU.  Cray.

Yayyyy the new psychic is here!  Doesn’t this psychic have way more maternal psychicness about her than last season’s Looney Town psychic?  She even had the little meter thingy that detects ghost presence, unlike Allison Dubois who used her faux cigarette to detect bitch presence.  Beep. Beep. Beep beep beep beep beep beeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep.

Commercial break blurp:  Kim’s housekeepers have the WORST job on the planet.

The séance party begins!  Guess who is making the appetizers…it’s everyone’s favorite grumpy old chef Bernie!!!  He’s still making under his breath comments about Lisa, thank gawd.  Oh Bernie.  Always crying in his crème fraiche, our Bernie.  We start by gathering around the candle-lit table which is just so cliché.  Who decided that ghosts are attracted to candles??  If I were a ghost I would be attracted to mini corn dogs, like the ones the Schwann man delivers.  When I die, if you need to get a hold of me, just deep fry a dozen mini corndogs and a platter of pigs in a blanket.  I will haunt your ass all day.

Some of the ladies had relatives visit them.  Adrienne’s dad came out to say hello.  Lisa’s grandmother told her she really made her last twenty years by letting her stay in the manseeon and also that her poor granny tried to get a hold of her during the Dinner Party from Hell but that Devil Psychic wouldn’t let her get a word in edgewise.  Brandi had some angels around her protecting her from the Richards sisters, and Kyle was Kim’s mom in a past life, duh.  The two best readings were for Taylor and Camille but for very different reasons.  Camille’s grandparents, bless their hearts, wanted to tell Camille to rejoice in her divorce and that a hot Greek guy is headed her direction and he “swings the right way”.  Bravo Camille! 

Taylor’s was good because it was straight-up the truth which is that her marriage has dark spots, very dark spots, in fact the whole gawddamn thing is dark as hell.  And her husband is obsessed with money.  And he beats her.  And that he might be in the mafia.

Onto to the Richards Sisters Saga: Volume 102.  Kim invites Kyle over so she can tell her something important.  Of course Kyle is cray frazzled because she always thinks the worst.  She comes in demanding, “What is it?  What are you going to tell me??  WHAT IS IT?!?!?!” and Kim’s like, “K-Dawg, have a Lexipro and chill the hell out.”  On the balcony Kim finally purges her secret.

“I’m in love with a guy I met at the mailbox who looks just like Spike from “The Land Before Time” and I’m moving in with him and I’m happy!”

Kyle’s like, “Is it the guy you brought to Paris’s premiere?”  Do you feel better now that you got to say that Kyle?  Then Bravo shows us a picture of Spike and Kim together at Paris’s premiere (PREMIERE OF WHAT EXACTLY?? “Night Two in Paris”?) and we all go, “Yup yup yup, that’s him.”  And then Kyle bursts into tears (haha).

Poor Kim, honestly you guys, here she is almost lucid and seems genuinely happy and Kyle will not take happy for an answer!  She’s like, “I just don’t believe you’re happy.  I just don’t believe you’re happy,” and Kim’s like, “I’m happy!  I’m happy!” and Kyle’s like, “Mmmm no, I don’t think you are.”  Kyle doesn’t understand why Kim would keep a secret for a year about something that makes her happy.  I mean, I have no idea why she wouldn’t want to tell you Kyle, look at your reaction.  Tears of sorrow and insistent diminishing of Kim’s own feelings should make Kim feel VERY comfortable telling you stuff!  Kyle says, “We don’t even know him!” 

Dear Kyle,

In the real world, many adults have year-long relationships without introducing their significant other to their family.  Many people wait longer than that, and many never introduce them at all!  Some do it after three months, some after three years even, but the world goes ‘round and ‘round Kyle, it really does.  Please feel free to contact me with any other questions you may have about how the real world works.

Yours Truly,

Barbie Ken

Ok next week looks much more eventful.  Kyle meets Spike and has to explain why she’s crying at the news that he’s dating her sister, and Taylor confronts Lisa on the playground during second recess about her talking crap behind her back.

Until next week my luuuuurves…

XO,

Barbs

Mermaids, Marky Mark and Merry Millionaires

In the spirit of that inspiring flopping mermaid performance at Mohammad’s engagement extravaganza, I will be introducing each section of my blog with song quotes from my favorite mermaid movie ever, “The Little Mermaid”.  Let’s dive right in…

“I don’t know when, I don’t know how, but I know something’s starting right now”

We open with Lisa Vandercamel driving in her terrifyingly apathetic style while dialing the people of Beverly Hills to see if they will or will not be attending Pandora’s engagement party at Mohammad the Great’s manseeon.  Vanderwonder is slightly irritated as “no one in Beverly Hills answers their phone” but makes a slightly self-deprecating remark that maybe they don’t answer because it’s her name on the caller ID.  Kyle does pick up and chats just long enough to mock Adrienne’s use of hand soap on a chicken carcass and to inquire about the dress code for the party.

“I really don’t know dahling,” Lisa lies.

“I would assume at Mohammad’s nothing less than an evening gown would do,” coos Kyle.

Yep, evening gowns it is.  Lisa, you sneaky little devil, you don’t know the dress code- Ha!  My sparkly pink vanderpumps you don’t…

Next she reaches Taylor.  Here’s an interesting convo.  Apparently Mohammad and the late Russell Armstrong had a falling out over what one could only assume to be a business endeavor gone awry.  Here’s how the conversation went (I wish I could act it out for you because it’s way better in my exaggerated fake British accent, but here’s the script version in my best written exaggerated fake British accent):

Lisa:  This is raaather uaakward dahling, but becaaause Mohaaamaaad and Russell had a faawwwling out of sohrts, he is not welcome in Mohaaaamaaadland.  But you told me I should ahhlways just invite you anyway so….”

Wow.  Lisa cannot fake sincerity, she just can’t! 

Taylor: Oh yeah!  I’ll still come, I love parties with a bunch of rich people cause it makes me feel rich too even though I come from a troubled home in Texas so I’ll still come, I don’t even like that fuddy duddy Russell anyhow so it’s cool, I’ll be there!”

Lisa:  Oh.  Reeeally.  I was not expecting you to accept… Alright Dahling, if you insist you must come then so be it.  But be sure to wear an evening gown and for goooodness sakes, please get through this one night without bloody crying.”

“There you see her, sittin’ there across the way, she don’t got a lot to say but there’s something about her…”

Mmmmmmauricio’s mom FINALLY decides to get that facelift Paul told her she so desperately needed last season.  Remind me never to have any surgery done by Paul Nassif.  While hacking away at poor whateverhernameis’s face, Paul calls Mark Wahlberg to let him know that his lookalike dongglehopper or whateverthefuck is his anesthesiologist!  Wow, could it have waited??  I mean, not to be a prude but honestly.  Kyle walks into post-op to find the scariest mummified hamburglar scarface on Earth just in time for Halloween.  Kyle is having a minor freak-out over the appearance of her dearest mother-in-law, while Mmmmmauricio couldn’t be more relaxed about the whole thing.  I would make fun of Kyle but I too am crazy and have actually been diagnosed by a therapist as having a condition titled “Worst Case Scenario Syndrome” so I’m not going to give her a hard time, about this anyway.



“The men up there don't like a lot of blabber, they think a girl who gossips is a bore!”

Kyle and Mmmmaurico are having dinner with the ever-smiling or ever-crying Taylor and her husband who, and I hate to speak ill of the dead, has the absolute creepiest smile I have ever seen.  Speaking of creepy, how awkward was this dinner you guys?  Would you rather have been sitting on a bed of hot coals listening to Rascal Flatts (just because you can fake a horrid country accent doesn’t mean you are country so please get off of my Garth Brooks Pandora station you Lance Bass lookalike reject) while knitting a sweater made of porcupine needles than at this dinner??  Me too.  Taylor brings to the table (Really Taylor?  REALLY??) the actual tabloid magazine with the story of Taylor and Russell’s tumultuous marriage which was, according to Russell, planted by Lisa because she is friends with that particular magazine’s editor.  Oh he’s convinced you guys.  And you see, Russell has never squandered millions of dollars from hard-earning millionaires or beaten his wife or anything so he’s totally in a position to jump to conclusions and start regulating on some bitches.  Oh and regulate he plans on doing.  He tells Kyle, who he knows to be Lisa’s friend, that he is going to serve the magazine with a lawsuit so that they are forced to give up the source’s name.  I don’t think Kyle got this, I think she thought he was trying to sue Lisa.  No Kyle, you adorable bumpkin.  Not correct.  Kyle of course does not believe Lisa could do such a thing, I mean “everyone around town” knows.  Well, everyone around town plus millions of viewers who tuned in to season one.  The worst part was when Kyle and Mmmmauricio were being all affectionate and Taylor and Russell just stared at them like they were the two headed monster from Willow (if you haven’t seen Willow, go rent it: vintage Val Kilmer). 

“The seaweed is always greener in somebody else's lake, You dream about going up there but that is a big mistake”

Meanwhile at the Vandermanseeon, Pandora joins Lisa in getting ready for the ball, I mean engagement ball.  I cannot take Pandora seriously now after I heard from a reputable source that she’s faking the accent.  Lisa is running all around her pink bathroom in her pink bathrobe, “Where is Max?  Where is Max?  Max is part of this family too, he better not be out having a good time or with his girlfriend, he coming to thing whether he likes it or not!”  Calm down Pinky.  When poor Max finally does come in it’s, “Why are you wearing a backpack?  You smell bad!”  Can this poor kid catch a break?  Meanwhile, the golden child tried on her dress and woozie mazoowzie- BUBBIES!!!  Oh hey bubbies, congrats on your engagement to that lovely young gay gentleman bubbies, your dress makes me want to buy a motorboat bubbies, can I get your some champagne for your bubbies???  I also heard from a reputable source (who attended the wedding at the Vanderpumps, I know I know, I hope you’re sitting down) that Lisa has self-portraits all over the house of her topless.  And it made things a bit awkward.  So like mother like daughter I guess.  Anywhoo, Lisa decides to give her clear favorite her special engagement gift before the party.  The family, and that pesky Max, all sit down on the couch in one of twelve living rooms for the giving of the gifts.  Lisa had turned a diamond bracelet that Ken gave her into a unsurprisingly pink heart necklace with an inscription which was actually quite lovely that read “Always Remember One Thing” because Lisa would say to Pandora  -I MEAN- both her children “Always remember one thing: Mummy loves you.”  Ok I have to admit, that kind of melted my plastic little heart.

Sidenote:  What is Jason’s deal?  Is he an android?  He constantly sounds like he’s reading from a script, for the first time.  Plus he’s just kind of a pussy, no?

“Out of the sea, wish I could be, part of your world”

The moment we’ve all been waiting for!  The gem of the episode, the coup de gras if you will.  Mohammad’s vast entrance to his mighty city is guarded by two belly dancers holding very large boa constrictors, a butler/doorman of sorts, and a biggest camel I’ve ever seen (on TV).  Lisa’s limo arrives carrying the fam, and Lisa oohs and ahhs excitedly at the grandeur of it all.  Mohammad and his girlfriend who I’m pretty sure is a robot but let’s be honest, who doesn’t want a robot like that, greet their guests with the air of real money.  Actual money, not Dana money.  Old money, even though I don’t believe he’s actually from old money.

Camille arrives, and here’s something I absolutely luuurve about Camille.  She has this way of just always looking exhausted, am I right?  Like, she just ran a marathon but still has perfect hair, make-up and wardrobe.  She like, “*sigh* This is just goooooorgeous Lisa wow *sigh* oh my a camel *sigh*” and you’re like, “Wow that lady looks good for how damn exhausted she is.  I luuuurve it, and I’m stealing it.  *sigh* “Ohhhhh a camel, let me rest my head upon your nose for a moment, I’m just so tired” *sigh*   

Taylor’s next and of course she’s afraid of snakes.  Snakes and life.

Obviously the best part of the whole shenanigans was when Mohammad’s girlfriend, Dream Angel, and Camille walked out to the pool and the cray mermaid was literally flopping around out of the water.  Mermaid Lady!!  There is a REASON that mermaids live IN the water, you are going to shatter your hip bones you nut!  And all the while chanting, “I’m a mermaid, I’m a mermaid” how weird is that??  I don’t go around chanting “I’m a Barbie, I’m a Barbie” and you all don’t run around saying, “I’m a normal person, I’m a normal person.”  It was cray, and I dedicate this blog to her.

Camille, who is quickly becoming my new favorite, actually says, “Wow, she’s really flapping around out there.”  I LOL’ed.

Of course there was an awkward exchange between Lisa and Taylor, Lisa not actually wanting her to come and all, where Lisa asked in her faux-concerned voice, “How arh you doing dahling,” and Taylor says, “I’m good.  I’m reeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeally good.”  Now we’re convinced.

There was also an awesome moment between the men-folk where Mmmmmauricio asks if Paul is nervous and when Paul asks why Mmmmmauricio says, “Because you’re not wearing a tie.”  Oh you.

Ok so next thing I know the mermaid is sliding down the staircase and Kyle is doing the splits with a side of fish lips.  Kyle hates attention you guys, she just loathes it really.  I wonder what she would say if Brandi joined the hired dancers, got up on a table and lifted her leg all the way up to her ear….in a dress…

And then Taylor got hammered off of one glass of wine because she weighs the same as a large mosquito and showed her boom boom to everyone in the room.  It’s fine, she’s so skinny no one could tell what it actually was (too bitchy?).  Did I have one too many martinis or was it explicit enough that Bravo had to fuzz it out??  I feel like I remember that they did…

“And you don’t know why you’re just dying to try you gotta kiss the girl”

Enough of that nonsense, onto the good part!  The reveal!  The crème de la crème of RH scenes!  In an act that even we weren’t expecting, Kim chose a suitor who closely resembles Spike from “The Land Before Time”.  Seriously, were any of you expecting to see what you saw when the camera circled around to his front?  I mean bless his heart.  Regardless of his mug, there is no sensible reason why a grown woman would hide the man she was dating from EVERYONE she knew for an entire year.  What’s this guy’s story?  Is he her drug dealer/inhalant provider turned lover?  Is he a convicted felon who all the time only wanted to be luuuurved??  Hmmm, I have no idea why Kim doesn’t think Kyle would approve of this affair…can you imagine?  I seriously cannot wait for them to show that.  And they met at the mailbox?  You can’t write this shit folks, you can’t!  And his name is Ken!  Another Ken, it’s brilliant.

Next week we have Kim wanting a facelift, to keep up with her prince charming obvi, Camille has a non-violent psychic dinner to make up for last season’s atrocity, and maybe JUST MAYBE Kim reveals her secret (Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!).

Until next week Friends…

XO,

Barbs

Treatments, not Truces

We’re back again friends to discuss the happenings, the going-ons of the blinged out broads of Beverly Hills.  I have a lot to say about this episode so let’s get started…

We open with Lisa strolling across the street to assist her neighbor Adrienne in Cooking 101.  Lisa is going to help Queen Maloof build a bird, yes that’s right folks, they’re going to get cray and cook a chicken.  Julia Childs would be so proud.  The best part of the entire scene was how Adrienne’s regular private chef Bernie was giving Lisa death stares from around the corner during the entire lesson.  Bernie HATES Lisa, and her little dog too.  The whole time he was thinking, “Why wouldn’t Adrienne want me to teach her how to cook a chicken??  I’m professionally trained in chicken cooking, I cook all of her chickens, and the British can’t even cook chicken!”  Oh Bernie, crawl back around the corner, it is not your moment…yet.



After we see Adrienne wash her chicken with soap and water and stand him up like a headless cartoon in the baking pan, it’s fair to say that she will probably stick with Mad-Dog Bernie as the family chef.  I think it’s a good idea since she mentioned several times she has contracted salmonella in the past from her own chicken.

Dana and Kyle meet at Taylor’s house for a play date with the kids.  Of course they’re contractually obligated to discuss the now infamous Game Night while their innocent children color on the table.  No, not on paper on the table, just on the table.  They don’t need paper in Beverly Hills, they just buy a new damn table. 

Kyle asks the ladies, “How do you come up with crystal meth?”  I’ll tell you Kyle.  Your sister was definitely hopped up on uppers of some sort.  Brandi seemingly has knowledge on uppers, and went straight to crystal meth.  This would not have been my strategy.  If I were Brandi it would have come out as, “Your sister’s snorted enough coke tonight to kill Charlie Sheen!!” or “Your sister’s consumed enough Adderall in there to choke a donkey!!” but only because I watch “Intervention” on A&E enough to know that if Kim was on meth she would have a better complexion.  I’m sorry, that was so mean.  I was going to say that if Kim was on meth she would be as paranoid as Lindsay Lohan during a court ordered drug test.  She would have thought the random unnecessary bartender was vice (he may have been) and the drivers in the limos outside were waiting to take her to the place with the white padded walls.  No no no.  Kim wasn’t methed out.  She was something’d out, but she wasn’t methed out.  But I’m going to say again that Kyle denying she’s ever even heard of meth is highly suspect.  And Kim was definitely on something so Brandi’s point, though slightly off-based, was at best valid and at worst arguable. 

Can we talk about Brandi saying “I will f***ing kill you?”  Yes Kyle, let’s talk about that.  If one word about my Chihuahua escaped your quippy little mouth that night I would have killed you.  Had you said, “Well at least my sister doesn’t pee on the grass like your little dog!” I would have flown across that hideous table and you’d be wearing all of those full glasses of bubbly.  So though I’m not taking sides here, you’re lucky you weren’t killed.  And I think that’s only due to the woman having only the one good leg.

Taylor, ever the surface diplomat/closet shit-stirrer, does give a perspective of Brandi not yet explored by Kyle.  The day she made that nasty comment to Dana about her fiancée having a woman in every city, the same day that she said the word COCK and didn’t shoot to kill when her four-year-old dropped trou’ at a kids pool party, was the SAME DAY her ex-husband was getting married to his side-piece.  Oh, and the same dude is giving her shit about her parenting lately so she’s a bit sensitive.  Kyle does acknowledge that maybe she could stand to give her a little slack.  We soon see if she does… (she doesn’t)…

Let’s change the pace a little.  Let’s take in a deep breath, let it all out, and do a little transcendental meditation shall we?  It’s Tuesday after all.  Let’s close our eyes and imagine that we live in Mohammad’s mansion.  Yes, close them and picture yourself walking through the hallways like you live at the Met.  Picture for a moment that your mansion has special secret mansion rooms with giant beds in them “just in case”.  Now picture for a moment that your girlfriend is a Victoria Secret model half your age (girls, you too) who wears evening gowns every day and follows you around in case your Cialis kicks in and you have a need for one of those secret beds.  Ah yes, welcome to Mohammad’s home, a modest 60,000 square foot cottage where dreams come true and the floors are actually made of gold.  Mohammad is going to throw a modest little engagement vanderparty for Lisa’s daughter Pandora (who I’ve heard from a reliable source is faking her British accent) with just a few amenities; camels, belly dancers, secret rooms, no biggie.  Ah yes, it will be an Arabian Nights theme, because isn’t that just the sexiest?  There’s nothing sexier than a camel, I’ll tell you that right now (it’s the spitting that does it for me).

Onto a much more modest setting:  The Maloof/Nassif mansion, where Adrienne is preparing to host a Spa Day Event for her lovely lovelies.  You guys, I would seriously give both of my plastic, perfectly sculpted legs to be at this party.  Here’s Bernie’s moment, back where he belongs, making tiny delectable treats dusted with edible gold powder (be still my heart) and other fancy finger foods.  Kyle wondered aloud where the edible diamonds are…they’re at Mohammad’s.  Adrienne spouted off that she has hired two “nestiticians,” three masseuses, and a stream of other help that can work a mean face-laser while knocking back the champs.

***Sidenote: I would literally kill someone to have a spray tan booth in my house so watch out Kyle, I told you it doesn’t take much.

The ladies enter one by one.  They change into robes and adorable wedge slippers for the day of rest and relaxation.  Four hours later, in bee-bops Kim, geetered as ever, never knowing what time any party ever starts.

“They must have given me the wrong time for the party…or else my Mickey Mouse watch stopped working back in 1988…or maybe it’s because coke always makes me lose my sense of time…or that mysterious power outage that keeps plaguing me…bouncy bouncy bouncy…”

Oh Kim.  Come down from Witch Mountain, it’s good down here.

Alrighty so Kim comes in and Kyle’s like, shit, because now she has to pay full-on attention to her cray-ass sister.  I do feel bad for Kyle in this regard.  You can tell she gets so nervous and frazzled when Kim comes in.  She clearly feels responsible for the jibberings and the willy nillies and gets embarrassed by her.  Kim takes a good look at all the amazing spa treatments that Adrienne is offering and says, “Let’s go bouncy on the trampoline!!” and so Kyle of course has to go with her to make sure she doesn’t bounce so hard that her heart bursts, having nothing to do with the ephedrine pumping through Kim’s visible blood veins of course.  Kyle’s a bit apprehensive as her bladder’s just not been the same since birthing Portia but at this point she will support her sister in all she does and says blindly because after last season’s limo fiasco, she’s got some major kiss-assing to do.   

Ok so Kim just luuuuuuuuuurves to bounce.  She describes her love for bouncing in her one-on-one interview where she’s wearing a wedding present.  The bow is trying to eat her and I’m scared.  I think Kim is making every effort to have a childhood in her late forties, bless her heart.  Wearing silly frillies and jumping and giggling and making no sense, and shaking and using the bathroom thirty times in two hours (if it ain’t drugs, it must be potty training).  Just being young, or trying her best anyway.

At some point, Brandi has arrived in an ADORABLE pink romper.  I want this romper folks.  Ok so Brandi decides to get some treatments done that require her to not mingle because she’d rather “break her other leg” than hang out with these women again.  While she’s hiding under the laser, Adrienne tries to convince her to apologize to Kyle and Kim.  Brandi says she’s not comfortable apologizing to Kim because she’s cray because she hardly knows her.  She says she’s pretty sure Kim doesn’t even know what went down, and she’s right.

Cut to Kyle doing the VERY SAME THING she did at Game Night.  She goes over to Kim who’s getting a nice, relaxing massage, and says, “Brandi’s here, did you see Brandi?  OMG Brandi’s here, did you see her??” and Kim’s like, “I don’t even want to acknowledge someone who I can’t remember why I don’t like or recall the precise day in which I ever even met them…but…I was defending you and she was mean!”  Ummm….I think it was actually Kyle who was defending Kim.  Yeah, pretty sure that’s what it was.  But that’s ok.

Kim rejects even the thought of hearing Brandi out but Kyle’s interested in what she has to say.  This works out because Brandi’s finally been convinced by the peanut gallery that now is a great time to hash this all out so she’s going to apologize to Kyle.

Here’s where I think this goes a bit downhill.  Brandi and Taylor are sitting outside together and Kyle saunters up, gifting them with her esteemed presence.  Taylor awkwardly asks if she would like to sit down or stand.  Kyle never even acknowledges Brandi, which is the point at which if I were Brandi I would have gotten up and crutched away.  Here come Adrienne, and Lisa and eventually at some point Camille and Pam.  The cast is standing square on their marks.

Brandi actually gives an apology that I could really get behind.  I know it sounds like I’m siding with Brandi, but you guys, seriously.  I’m actually an expert on apologies, as a communications major with a B.A. in communications (Communication BarbieTM) but it’s no big deal, no applause needed.  What was I talking about again? 

Oh yeah.  Brandi says, “Look, my trigger is my kids and yours is obviously your sister, and I’m sorry I completely lost it on you both.”  Ok, as apologies go, that one was actually pretty good.  She took responsibility for her actions as well as tried to show she understood Kyle’s perspective in relation to her sister.  Kyle could have responded with, “Well thank you, I appreciate that.”  BUT NO.  She instead opted to list the rules and regulations which will allow them to be cordial in the future (“Don’t ever talk about my sister again”) and defended her position in PottyGate (“I was attacking your parenting on an isolated incident NOT your parenting as a whole, gawwwd”) and then all the other women jumped in including Adrienne and Lisa who were not even there to say that Brandi should just suck it up and take it all in in front of all of them.  And while she’s at it, stop her damn fake belly-aching and put the crocodile tears back in her handbag.

I wanted to jump through the TV and protect Brandi Mufasa-style when he protects Simba from all the hyenas at the elephant graveyard.  Again you guys, I’m not siding with Brandi.  This is basic maternal instinct kicking in.  The woman was crying, she was surrounded, clearly defeated, only had one good leg.  Someone get Brandi the hell out of this Spa Day paradise!!

Meanwhile, back in Crazytown, Kim is mad at Kyle for even hearing Brandi out.  She thinks she was just protecting Kyle and Kyle is not being loyal.  What party were you at Kim?  I want to see Kim’s inside-head version of this story.  Needless to say, Kim and Brandi didn’t kiss and make up and gab about boys and movies in their PJs while munching on popcorn that evening.  Adrienne said goodbye to Brandi privately in her bedroom before Brandi hobbled out the door still in silent tears while the Witchard sisters whispered and Lisa noted in that famous British sarcastic tone that she hoped the door didn’t hit her on the way out.

Wow, I’m so pissed you guys.  This was supposed to be a relaxing evening of me living vicariously through these freakin’ chicks so that I could attend and enjoy what is sure to be the only in-home Spa Relaxation Paradise Massage Laser Botox Day party that I will ever get to attend.  But no.  Instead I’m sitting here having to feel sorry for Brandi, being icked out by Mohammad, and worrying about whether or not Kim’s wedding present blouse bow is going to eat her face!  This was not relaxing at all.

Next week we have Pandora’s Arabian Nights engagement party complete with dancers, snakes, camels, and their toes.  We also find out that Kim has a new drug dealer -I MEAN- boyfriend that we get to meet which as you know is totally cray.

I’m deciding whether or not to blog on Atlanta.  Let me know if you have opinions on the matter/watch Atlanta/think Phaedra is cray.  Until next week my pets…same time, same place.

XO,

Barbs

Game Night Nightmares: The Second Installment

Greetings fellow housewives fans!  Look at me all on schedule!!  I know, so cray.  I can’t wait to get started so let us begin…

We return to the exact sun spot in time where we left off.  Brandi, Kyle and Kim are screaming like banshees, “You’re a Slut Pig!!” (I’m going to use that ALL the time now, know that) and “I will kill you!”  Really forty-something year old women who have children???  REALLY??  Brandi actually tried to call a “time-out” to which Kim responded by blubbering, “Oh so you’re our mom now?”  This reminds me of an argument I witnessed once on the playground when I was eight.  It was horrific.

So Kyle’s schooling Brandi on how to parent her four-year old because the whole Grass-Pee scandal was just too much for Kyle to take.  Brandi says she doesn’t think it’s even a bad thing and Kyle says, “I bet where you come from it isn’t.”  Oh no she di’n’t.  OK so at some point Brandi starts crying and I’m yelling, “Stop the madness!!” at my TV because as much as I thrive on watching other people’s drama, this was just too much.  I mean for Jim-God’s sake, the woman’s crying now and she’s on crutches.  Shouldn’t we all calm down??  Kim Richards says NO!  Brandi, in all her defensive glory, throws caution to the wind and says, “Well your sister’s been doing crystal meth in the bathroom all night!!!”  The hair extensions just officially hit the fan folks.

As if a strong gust of wind blasted them up and out of their seats, the Richards sisters were on their feet pointing, howling, screeching like hyenas.  Brandi stands up to them, one-footed, and tells them to “bring it”.  And they do.  Kim tells Brandi she’s a “goddamn bitch” and gets all up in her shiznatch, pointing her shaky little finger right in Brandi’s shaking little face.  Taylor jumps up and gets in between them (as if she could stop either one of those women, yeah right) and yells her signature “Enough!” but not before Brandi slaps Kim’s finger right out of her face, like whoa.  Brandi, if you actually think the woman’s on meth, do you really want to go up against her in a brawl with one foot?  The fact that she even stood up makes me more afraid of Brandi than any of them.

Once Taylor breaks it up kind of, Dana FINALLY gets up and says to Brandi, “I’m sorry you had a bad night.”  WHAT DANA?  I’m sorry, WHO?  WHERE?  No seriously, where in the holy realms of housewife hell were you this whole time?? 

“I’m sorry I threw the worst party in the history of party-throwing and then didn’t mediate when you grown women starting verbally punching each other in the faces and then actually made it worse by making snide little remarks while burying my face like a toddler in my friend who weights all of thirty-five pounds and is super emotionally unstable.”

Thanks Dana, you really are such a gem.  She actually says these words to Kyle (get your barf-bag ready): “Let’s go.  Let’s go on this journey, we’re together forever.”  Kyle’s like, “And this is the one I chose to like?  Yikes.”

Alright, so not really much closure at the end of this scene.  The ladies all disperse and leave and we’re all left with shocked looks on our faces and the phrase “Slut Pig” running through our minds.  What is a “Slut Pig”?  A pig that whores herself around in the mud like the hoe that she is I suppose.  Brandi strikes me more as a slut rabbit or a slut mongoose.  She’s a resourceful and stealthy slut with a dirty little mouth on her.

Alright, let’s get out of Dana’s house for the love of Jim-God.  Over at the Vandermansion (prounouced Van-der-man-seeon) Adrienne, Lisa and Kyle convene to discuss the night’s tramatic events.  As expected, Kyle’s version was just a tad bias and Adrienne was diplomatic.  Lisa of course sided with Kyle and Adrienne pondered whether or not Kyle may be in denial about some things.  Adrienne is always the voice of reason, an interesting dichotomy because her clothing choices rarely make any sense.  Adrienne, blondes should never wear fluorescent green.  It makes us look fluorescent green.

Taylor and Brandi meet for lunch at some Joe Schmo café.  Alrighty Andy Cohen my dearest, we tune in to Beverly Hills to see the glitz, the glam, the sparkle.  Not a bunch of harpies throwing swings and a freakin’ lunch date at Max’s Diner!  But I digress…

Taylor and Brandi talk about stuff I can’t remember and don’t solve anything.  I remember Taylor complimented Brandi’s hair and Brandi responded, “Thanks, it’s called dirty.”  Brandi, that’s my line you line-stealing Slut Pig.  Taylor says, “Maybe you should speak to Kyle,” cause Kyle is so level-headed and easy-going.  Brandi says that she may just be over it, but you know she is not.  We’ll see how this one plays out.

The Richards witches -I MEAN- sisters go on a little family vacay with their murder of daughters (like murder of crows, get it?).  Kim tries to explain to Kyle how she mistook air freshener as breath freshener and has been spritzing it in her mouth before, after and during meals, morning, noon and night.  WE KNOW WHAT KIM IS ON NOW YOU GUYS!!!!!!  Holy Slut Pig.  You have GOT to be kidding me!!!  This whole time Kim’s drug-o-choice has been available in any supermarket chain and none of us knew!  The random ramblings, the sliding liquid liner, the stumbling through darkness of made-up power outages:  ALL due to spraying chemicals in her mouth from a bottle that clearly states on the back that once ingested one should contact poison control immediately.  Just the other day, Kim was “working” in her office (looking at old kids photos and crying) and used some of that “breath freshener” which can also be used to clean dust off the keyboard.  And right before the trip to Sacramento with the Maloof/Nassifs she thought her breath smelled stanky so she just sprayed a little 409 in there to clean in right up!  By sprayed I mean drank.  Ahhh, mystery solved.  It wasn’t crystal meth, it was lemon pledge.  I can now sleep soundly at night.

Kim and Kyle, Kyle and Kim.  They visit their mother’s former home in Palm Desert, and, ANOTHER REVELATION!  You guys remember the infamous limo attack on last season’s finale where Kyle called Kim a “liar and an alcoholic” (only she can say it folks, nobody else) and Kim called her, I don’t know, a Slut Pig or something.  And then Kim yelled, “YOU STOLE MY GODDAMN HOUSE!”  and we were all like Whaaaaaa?  Ok here’s the skinny.  Momma Richards left her Palm Desert home to all the sisters and Kyle bought the other two out for a price that seems, at least to Kim, unreasonable.  Here’s where I think this got hairy:  Kyle bought Kim out for a ridiculously low price ($20,000, didja know?) when Kim was down on her luck and needed the cash for household cleaning products/her chase of the dragon.  Then when Kim got on her feet again (sort of, not really) she was like “Waiiiiit a tick, my share was 1/3 and Kyle paid me like 1/8 so that’s not right….” And so here we are.  In the desert.  Deserted with the two witches that escaped the mountain.

Meanwhile, back at the Vandermansion (prounouced Van-der-man-see-on) Lisa and Pandora met with… something.  It looks like if a man and a rhino beetle had sex, and the result of their union mated with an Avatar from the James Cameron blockbuster.  His name was Franc, or France, or Francois, or maybe none of those.  Who gives a Vanderpump?  Anyway, this creature has chosen “wedding planner” as his Earthly career.  Apparently he’s all the rage.  Lisa, Pandora, and Creature take a walk around the Vandergrounds.  There are like, I don’t know, fifty places to hold a 150 person wedding in the backyard, but Lisa would prefer that her little angel get married in a church in front Jim-God and Camille-Jebus because that’s just what angels do.  Ohhhh unless they’re living with they’re soon-to-be betrothed in sin.  I guess garden wedding it is! 

The creature was unhappy with Pandora’s request to have pink hearts and bows and rhinestones on her wedding dress and décor (as was I, and I’m Barbie for crying out loud) and Lisa was equally unhappy at the notion that this wedding should have a one million dollar budget.  You guys, a ONE MILLION DOLLAR BUDGET.  For one day.  And it’s at their OWN FUCKING HOUSE.  Cray.

Kim and Kyle again.  Ugh.  Someone pass me a bottle of Febreeze so I can get through this.  Ok they go out to lunch.  Kim wants to move AGAIN.  AGAIN, she wants to move to a place that makes no sense for her and AGAIN Kyle tries to tell her she’s wrong.  According to Kim, Kyle has this problem where she thinks she’s always right.  Kim has this problem where she thinks she’s always in a video game tripping on mushrooms.  So anywhoo, they go back and forth, and Bravo reminds us again that –Oop!- sometimes sisters don’t get along but they will bash your skull in with your crutch if you try to go against them.

That’s it folks!  Another week down.  Next week looks juicy as Adrienne hosts a relaxing spa day that seems to turn into anything but!  I love a little jujutsu with my Juvederm, a little raging with my Restylane, and little boxing with my Botox.  Until next week friends…

XO,

Barbs

UPDATE!  I forgot to talk about Camille's charity event.  Mostly it was boring in that 'actual' classy, lovely event where nothing goes wrong kind of way, but I must say one thing.  Dana.  Dana, Dana, Dana.  She buys a hideous fur coat with the most tacky rhinestone accents and then (of course!) brags about it to everyone.  THEN tells the world how it's real fur.  I wear real fur, but I don't tell people when it's real because people will throw shit at you.  And did you hear?  $25,000.